Living a lie...? (659 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.71 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rusty Shackleford (View user info) at 2007-05-15 22:30:52 EDT
***Disclaimer: may include Anglo-English***
Imagine waking up one morning only to realise that your whole life has been a lie.
A lie to your friends
A lie to your family
But more importantly, a lie to yourself
Do you always felt uncomfortable dressing in your 'normal' clothes to conform to a narrow-minded society? Do you only listened to the music you truly loved in the privacy of your own home, with doors locked and the volume low. Do you look through the jewellery sections of Argos, but pretend that you are looking at necklaces, rings or earrings for your wife?
If this sounds like you the first step is to accept yourself for who you are.
That's right, you're a chav! Say it loud; say it proud.
Here's some advice to help you get in touch with your inner chav
1. First things first, quit your job. No 'propa' chav would consider working for money when they can sign on the dole and get paid to do nothing by those chumps who actually contribute to society. Now you can watch daytime TV.
The Jeremy Kyle Show and Trisha have been designed with you in mind
2. Next step, lets have a Trinny-and-Susannah at your wardrobe...
Nope
Nope
Nope
You'll never be a chav by wearing stylish clothes. Throw them all out. When you are out shopping for replacement clothes here is a checklist of what to look for:
Tracksuits - white if you're a bloke, pink if you're of female persuasion
Trainers, white
Baseball cap, preferably white
Remember Kappa, Burberry, Adidas and the like are good. Go with horizontally stripped shirts. Looking good
3. OK girls, lets have a look at your make-up. Remember, the 'in' colour to looks for chavs is orange. You can never be too orange. Plastering yourself in 2-inch thick fake tan should do the trick. Try for Dulux's African Adventure 3 coloration. ( http://www.dulux.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/DuluxColourDetailCmd?langId=-1&storeId=10752&colourNumber=14242)
4. What are your current hobbies? Uh-huh. Rite. Ok. Well, none of those are 'chav-friendly'. Try to develop some new hobbies, such as;
Happy-slapping
Granny-mugging
Teenage-pregnancies
Getting an ASBO
Starting unprovoked fights
5. Now that we're well on our way to becoming 'propa' chavs, lets move onto music. While music is a wide and varied art that everyone can enjoy, as a chav you will be restricted to the following genres:
a. Gansta rap
b. Electronic dance
So throw out your Barber CDs and replace them with DJ Tiësto and your Trivium albums with Snoopy snoop dog dog (or whoever)
6. Now to make you irresistible to the opposite sex - jewellery. There is no bigger turn on than wearing more metal around your neck than what a small African country can output in a year. Remember, your aim is to wear more than Jimmy Saville, but slightly less than Mr T.
7. Finally, chavs are an incestuous breed - in that they only find other chavs attractive. Once you find a nice chav girl who hasn't too many illegitimate kids (preferably below 4) its time to make your move. Don't worry about dating, a carryout of a 3L Olde English and a couple of bottles of Smirnoff Ice should win her over
Now that you're both horned up, its time to chose a location to 'do the deed'. Nowhere is more romantic to a chav than an alleyway or bus terminus. You can tell how popular, and thus romantic, a location is by the number of used condoms littering the street.
Well my friend, you're on your own from here. Congratulations. Not only are you a fully-fledged chav, but also, you now have a wee sprog on the way in 9 months
User Reviews
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-05-16 08:43:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one... But you're gonna get pwnd by all teh chavs =P
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Fortunately for me, chavs have the reading proficiency of a 5 year old turd
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So true, so so true.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-16 16:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COUNCIL HOUSED AND VERBOSE
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-05-16 11:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha... chavs pretty much wigger white trash right?
Da Ali G Show Rocks
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-16 11:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Could have been much better.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. Similar to content found all over the internet. Here's an example of a funny chav post, which made B@W.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83511
Enjoy.
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was simply describing/exaggerating a stereotype. Generally speaking stereotypes are rarely 100% accurate.
e.g.
Do you sit about all day sipping tea from fine china in a suit and bowler hat calling everyone 'Guvna'?
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This whole chav genre has just been done to death, the word never existed before the Sun newspaper decided to invent it, its just a load of shite, there are so-many different variations that to group them all together by 1 word is ridiculous, especially when the whole era has been around longer than the word itself.
Go to Romford in Essex, then to Hackney in London, to the untrained eye these people may look the same and one may wish to describe them as Chavs, but they are very different people i assure you.
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-05-16 08:43:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one... But you're gonna get pwnd by all teh chavs =P
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Fortunately for me, chavs have the reading proficiency of a 5 year old turd
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-16 10:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-16 03:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the yanks will never get this in a million.
too bad, quite funny.
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Untrue. I'm yank through and through. (un)Lucky for me, I've lived in England for 6 years and have experienced the chav phenomenon for far too long!
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-05-16 09:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i have some freinds like this.
thinking about it, i need some new friends.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-05-16 08:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-16 07:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Trainers, white
===============
Wrong, Rockports. For fighting better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95938
Shameless chavwhore above.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-16 03:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the yanks will never get this in a million.
too bad, quite funny.
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-05-16 03:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one... But you're gonna get pwnd by all teh chavs =P
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-16 00:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guns don't kill people... wappers do. From Bristol Zoo to B&Q.
Also, your mother's got a penis.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-15 23:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The accepted etymology for "chav" is that it derives from the Romani word "chavi", meaning a child. Related words derived from the same source include "charva" (used in northern England in a similar sense) and perhaps the obsolescent "young shaver" (meaning a boy). In modern Spanish "chaval" means "lad".
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-15 23:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2007-05-15 23:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-15 22:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeremy kyle for those yet to experience him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P3jyMNVqhc