If This Is What It's Like Being Old, Then Bring On The Senile Dementia (1270 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.92 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-05-17 10:22:29 EDT
Once you get past the stench of TCP, there is something strangely attractive about elderly care homes.
I'm not sure if it's being waited on by young women, or the fact you get liquidized meals that break down easily with no risk of acid indigestion.
I last visited one about 5 years ago, before my Gran died. I was 21, just bought my first house, and everything seemed great.
I remember being taken to visit her when I was about 13. I used to hate it back then, because of her rapidly declining memory.
"Why, hello Joey! Haven't you grown!?"
"Gran, you've seen me every day for the past week."
"How's school?"
"It's the summer holidays, Gran. I told you that yesterday."
"Oh. Well, um, how are the driving lessons?"
"Gran, I'm 13."
"But my, haven't you grown since the last time I saw you!?"
It was hard work, but my Mum would give me hell if I didn't go and see her.
Every summer, Easter and Christmas, I made as much of an effort to visit her, until she got sick of me, and would ask me when I was leaving so she could go and play Bridge with her friends.
I left school at 16, and found work. By the time I was 21, I had enough saved, and had a decent enough job to get my own place. One day I got a call from my Mum.
"Joey, your Gran's not well. You should make an effort to go and see her. You never know how long she might have left."
That was fair enough, so I took a day off work to go and see her. Not that I thought she would recognize me, but she was my Gran and I should at least try.
She was in a different care home, down on the coast, after the doc had said the sea air might do her some good.
Yeah, because a salty breeze can really knock 80 years worth of tar and nicotine off the lungs.....
I drove down and parked up. From the outside, the place looked like a Victorian town house. There were gargoyles everywhere, and it was in serious need of renovation.
I pushed open the front door and walked into the reception area.
Despite the look from the outside, inside it seemed more like a grand hotel. The reception area was set in a large foyer, and various art works hung on the walls.
The usual sour smell hung in the place, but it was much nicer than the home she had been in before. I walked up to a young woman who was standing behind a desk, going through some papers.
I stood there for a few minutes, hoping for a response. I coughed a few times, but still the woman refused to look up from her papers.
I spied a little brass bell on the counter, and gave it an irritated whack. Finally, she looked up and smiled.
"Hello. Can I help?"
"Sure... I'm here to see my Gran."
"Ok... what's her name?"
I gave the woman my Gran's first and last names, and she leafed through a few pages in her books.
"I'm sorry, there isn't anyone here with that name."
"Are you sure?"
The woman sighed, as if this encounter was a major inconvenience to her daily routine. "I'll go and check the computer files. Wait here."
She snapped these last words, before turning around and heading through a set of double doors.
I took a seat on a comfy sofa, and waited.
5 minutes passed. Ten, fifteen, twenty. After half an hour I was getting pissed off.
Where the fuck is she?
I looked around the room, taking in little details to keep myself amused. The carpet, the thick, expensive wallpaper, the long staircase leading up to the floors above....... the stair lift....
In the thirty minutes I had been waiting, I hadn't seen another soul. Maybe there was something I could do to keep myself amused. Once more I looked over to the stair lift.
I've always been a kid at heart, and the lift beckoned to me. There had been one at the old home, but I had never been allowed on it. And this one was newer, sleeker.....
Go on......just one little go won't hurt!
No. This is a care home. Act responsibly.
But you know you want to!
Aww, fuck it..... Bitch face on reception doesn't look like she's gonna be back any time this year, so why not?
I walked over to the stairs, and made sure the coast was clear. Satisfied, I hopped on and thumbed the 'up' button. The lift started up with a smooth humming noise and began to ascend the long staircase.
How fucking cool was this?
I sat back and wondered how much it would cost to get one of these in my house. Those days of sleeping on the stairs because I had been to drunk to make it to the top would be over! And besides, I'm a lazy fucker.
I reached the top, and hit the 'down' arrow. Back at the bottom, I jumped off and sat back on the sofa. Another 5 minutes passed, and I was still alone.
One more go, and then that's it.
Once again, I climbed onto the stair lift and made my way to the top. At the peak, I admired the view for a second, and then pressed the 'down' button.
Then pressed it again.
And again.
Nothing happened. I furiously stabbed away at the button that was supposed to take me back down the rail. After a while I just decided to hold it down for a while.
After 5 seconds, there was a loud grinding noise, and a burning smell rose up from the motor.
Fuck.........
I jumped off onto the landing and looked around to make sure nobody had witnessed my crime. I began to walk back down the stairs whistling innocently to myself, when a voice from behind made me jump.
"What the fuck are you doing up here, ya little jackass?"
I looked back, and an old gentleman in a dressing gown was shuffling after me. Instinct took over, and I fled down the stairs, before realising I needn't rush. I reached the bottom and looked back to see that the old guy had managed to travel about three steps. He reached the top of the stairs and leaned on his walking stick.
"You little fuckers keep coming here and stealing our shit! I know what you're up to! Well, I'm a-comin' for ya!"
I looked back up at him and shook my head.
"Looks like those stairs are giving you a little trouble there, you mean old bastard!"
"Yeah? That's what you think!"
He hopped up onto the lift that was still at the top of its rail, and hit the 'down' button. Once again, there was that harsh grinding noise, accompanied by smoke coming from the motor.
I couldn't help but laugh at his predicament.
"Why, you little prick, I'll get ya!" As he waved his stick at me, another voice made me jump for the second time in less than a minute.
"What the hell is going on here?" I spun around and faced the woman from reception.
"This little punk called me an old bastard!" cried the old guy.
The woman looked at me sternly. "Is that true?" she asked.
"Um... well ... well.... THAT guy broke the stair lift!" I pointed up the stairs as I drastically changed the subject. The woman quickly switched her glare from me to him.
"Oh, Henry, not again! How many god damn times have I told you to stay off that thing without supervision? Do you know how much they are to replace? Do I need to give you some more medication?"
"But....but...."
The woman went up the steps and practically pulled the guy off the chair. As she did, he pulled her skirt up and slapped her ass. She had been going commando, and the old guy cackled his head off as his hand ricocheted off the bare flesh.
I left before I could incriminate myself further. On the drive home, I vowed to make my children put me in a home as soon as possible.
After all, where else do you get rewarded with free drugs for helping yourself to a nurses ass?
User Reviews
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-07 04:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-28 00:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I kinda love fey.
and you.
I really do.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-28 00:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Chelsea.
+ u love me <3
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-23 03:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Oh, and the post, too.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-23 00:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if old ladies are better at anal because their knots are already loosened by age, or if it makes them worse because it'd be like sticking your penos into a tube sock.
Man, where's Bubba when you need an age question answered??
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GROSS
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-05-20 21:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was your Gran there?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-20 21:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-21 06:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 I'm selling my muthafucking house biyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacthes.
And Chelsea won the FA cup.
Life is sweet right now.
BLUE IS THE FUCKING COLOUR, BABY!!!!!!!
Are you out there Stagger_Lee????
I can hear you breathing.
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Haha congrats.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I do have that effect on people....
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I left you a comment accidentally on RAYG's post of the same name. D'OH!
:)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-18 09:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate old people.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 23:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 21:51:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
You managed to honestly rate 5 posts in 5 mins! That's gotta be a record!
*
Normally, I read the entire front page from bottom to top and then go back and rate from top to bottom. Sometimes I skip around, but if I rate something you can be sure I read it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-17 20:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if old ladies are better at anal because their knots are already loosened by age, or if it makes them worse because it'd be like sticking your penos into a tube sock.
Man, where's Bubba when you need an age question answered??
***
Bubba's right here, ya fuckin' poetical asswipe. You want an age question answered? Well, blow me. I ain't tellin'.
OK, dipstick, old ladies are NO GOOD at anal. They will poop on your penos and turn around and snicker. Beware.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O, I'd be more worried about incontinence than it "feeling good".
Then again....
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if old ladies are better at anal because their knots are already loosened by age, or if it makes them worse because it'd be like sticking your penos into a tube sock.
Man, where's Bubba when you need an age question answered??
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He even rated yours Twice!
Lucky you.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 21:51:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 21:51:26 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Dude, wow.
You managed to honestly rate 5 posts in 5 mins! That's gotta be a record!
I've always admired your deep and critical analysis of these posts, but your super human reading powers know no bounds. To provide such testimony is a feat beyond even the most imaginative alters.
Please enlighten us.........
TELL US TEH MAGICAL POWERS OF READING AT 2000 WORDS A MINUTE!!!!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 16:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 16:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-17 16:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, awesome. The local library in my hometown had one, I was always so tempted to try it out.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-05-17 15:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-05-17 15:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only will I +2 this, but I will -2 every other post on the front page to make this one stand out more.
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-05-17 14:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-05-17 14:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-17 14:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 14:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:08:15 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62121
read that.
it involves a stairlift.
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Carlsberg don't do linkwhores.
But if they did, they'd probably be the best linkwhores in the world.
That was a fucking great post. cheers
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-05-17 13:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-05-17 13:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about this prepared me for a horror story. I'm still confused about how it turned out.
..............................
Ditto. I was expecting one outcome, but got another. That's not a bad thing, just took me by surprise.
On a side note, my grandmother, who basically raised me, was her happiest when she finally went into a 'home.' She was waist deep in dementia and couldn't remember what a shitty life she had. I had guardianship of her and would speak with the nurse on a weekly basis. She'd say, "Oh, she's such a LOVELY woman." It took me weeks to figure out she was really talking about Grams. She slowly floated into that world of unknown happiness and died more happy than she had ever been in her life. Sometimes it's not bad to be crazy.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-17 13:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-17 13:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62121
read that.
it involves a stairlift.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meh
forced.
won't ruin the streak though.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blaming old people for shit is a right, not a privilege. ^_^
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh jebus, that's grand.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-17 12:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about this prepared me for a horror story. I'm still confused about how it turned out.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Id sooner blow myself up in a blood tornado than go into a care home, they are places for the living dead.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-17 16:06:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Google is YOUR friend.
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Actually, we're more like gay lovers.
-----------------
butthole surfing the net?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-17 16:06:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Google is YOUR friend.
-------------
Actually, we're more like gay lovers.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Google is YOUR friend.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 11:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-17 15:58:31 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cornelius Talmage.
(nobody will get that reference)
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Do you mean the Cornelius Talmage character from the Simpsons old folk's home with kidney disease, based on the real life canadian stand up comic?
Because otherwise, no, I dont think they will.........
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cornelius Talmage.
(nobody will get that reference)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sico - I remember that little beauty from a while ago!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Semi-relevant link trick: http://www.ubersite.com/m/95104
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun reading. Specially this bit...
"Yeah, because a salty breeze can really knock 80 years worth of tar and nicotine off the lungs....."
Pissed myself.
Good work old chap.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah, because a salty breeze can really knock 80 years worth of tar and nicotine off the lungs....."
Well I'm off to the seaside then!
My Gran had one of those stair lifts in her house; for a staircase that consisted of dun dun duuun 6 Steps. I was continually playing with the thing when she wasnt looking and managed to clock up an Impressive 10 Engineer call outs! My Gran hated me so I got great pleasure watching her weeze her way up and down the massive Mountainanous steps.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thing i like about yer stories is that they are for real.
or i'm that naive.
no matter.
more.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a wonderful atmosphere an old-folks home must be.
Great stuff, as per usual.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-05-17 10:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yes.