Hatemadness: Crystle. Here's your list, bitch! (1242 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-05-17 17:52:18 EDT
What the fuck, Crystle?! Did you really think I wasn't going body slam you into the mud considering all the bullshit you've pulled on me?
Well guess what, bitch, I'm going to out you.
Yup, right here.
Right now.
See, all of you on Uber think Crystle is Lil' Miss Sweety-Sweet. I can see how you have been fooled. Crystle rarely curses, fights, and usually only says pleasant things. And of course, there is the ever present "sigh...another list I didn't make."
Yeah, poor overlooked Crystle.
You want on a list? Fine, how about being #1 on the Psycho Whack Job from Hell list because that's where you belong!
I made the mistake of actually becoming friends with this oversexed lunatic shortly after coming to Uber. It started off normal enough. We'd have long AOL chat sessions about life, we'd gossip, compare moisturizers, you know, just typical female yapping.
Then the real Crystle reared her head.
I've classified Crystle's behaviors into 3 areas; Drunkenness, Criminality, and Sluttery.
Drunkenness
My phone would ring in the middle of the night and a very intoxicated Crystle would slur unintelligibly until she tired, or in most cases, passed out. She would deny doing it the next day. I told her I had phone records from her drunk-dialing me at 3 am that I could show to prove it. She then started crying and telling me tales of woe and pleaded with me not to tell everyone that she was a blackout drunk. Feeling sorry for her, I assured her that her secret was safe with me. Then she started getting abusive.
She started picking fights. She'd work herself up and start cursing. I would hear breakables shatter in the background, like she was throwing things against the wall. Other times she'd drop the phone and I'd hear puking and retching and a lot of beer farting. Really gross there, Crystle.
"Why are you being such a bitch, Crystle?" I'd ask.
"I'M NOT A BITCH! YOU'RE THE BITCH, YOU BITCH!"
I would just hang up on her which would send her into an absolute rage. She'd call right back and scream she was going to send crackheads over to sodomize my cat.
Crystle is one mean drunk!
THERE'S ONE OF YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE SECRETS OUT IN THE OPEN YOU CRAZY HEIFER! WHADDA YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, HUH?! NOTHING BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO DAMN DRUNK TO GET UP OUT OF THAT PUDDLE OF URINE YOU'RE LYING IN! DRY UP, BITCH!
Criminality
Crystle also has an extensive criminal record. I only found this out when I retained the services of a private investigator. See, I had to file a restraining order against her because she wouldn't stop calling me (see previous section) or harassing me online. I changed my phone number numerous times but she'd always get the new number. I know now that she was getting my numbers by giving an AT&T guy hummers in exchange for information.
My favorite one was when Crystle was arrested for dispensing alcohol and tobacco to minors. Here's the lowdown on that. A few years ago, Crystle threw her daughter a birthday party. After the kids had their cake and punch, Crystle had the kids play a special game called "how many cigarettes can you smoke before you puke?" She passed out packs of Marlboro Reds and Bic lighters and the kids had to chain smoke as many cigarettes as they could and as fast as they could (she made them inhale even). The first kid to puke had to slam a shot of McCormick vodka then a new round started. Several angry parents called the cops on her when their children arrived home drunk and reeking of smoke.
She sent me pics. Poor little kids, green in the face from too much sugar, booze, and nicotine.
THAT'S FUCKED UP CRYSTLE!
I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that she has also been arrested for lewd behavior in public. Hey Crystle, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that showing your tits in public if you're anywhere other than New Orleans, on Bourbon St., during Marti Gras, can be considered inappropriate. Also, getting loud and rowdy and cold cocking the cop when he tells you to cease and desist, will earn you some steel bracelets and a trip downtown in the back of the cruiser.
Oh yes, Crystle loves showing her tits. She also is a terrible, wanton slut, which brings me to....
Sluttery
I will say this for Ms. Bicth, she has the body of a pin-up girl. I know this because she's been slamming my boyfriend's e-mail inbox, Myspace, and "pix message" on his cellphone with pornographic pictures of herself.
Now, I'm not insecure or anything but....
WHAT THE FUCK, CRYSTLE?! QUIT TRYING TO TEMPT HIM WITH YOUR 'BIGGER THAN MINE' BOOBS! YOU'RE ACTUALLY BEGINNING TO SCARE HIM, CRYSTLE!
I figured out what was up when Chris logged into his Myspace one day. I heard him cough a little. I glanced over and right there was a picture of a buck naked Crystle, legs up in the air, pointing at her coochie, and deep throating a banana.
"Isn't that your "friend?" he asked?
"What the hell?!" I grabbed my phone and called her. "WHAT THE FUCK, CRYSTLE?!"
All Crystle said was "I'm on the internets stealin' ur menz. Ello L, bitch!"
A few days later, she sent another picture to him. It was a close up of Crystle's vajayjay. I mean, you could just about see her kidneys. The message that went with it read, "When you're tired of 'granny pussy,' you know where to find me!"
I have to assume that she was referring to me with 'granny pussy.' Real cute there, Crystle. Don't think I'm going to let that one go. I'M NOT THAT DAMN OLD, BITCH!
I did some more digging into Crystle's slutty secret life. Here's what I found.
Crystle's picture is lovingly displayed in many truck stop mens' bathroom.
She mows her lawn in the nude because she likes the fact that her 75 year old neighbor, Mr. Simkins, watches her even though he's not supposed to get excited. Angina, you see.
Moid.org loves her. In fact, where do you think they get most of their material?
I bought stock in GlaxoSmithKlein (pharmaceutical company that markets Valtrex). Because of Crystle, the stock went through the roof. Herpes; the gift that keeps on giving.
The '7 wonders of the world association' is seriously considering putting Crystle's vagina on the list simply because it receives more traffic than any other freeway on Earth.
She taught Paris Hilton everything she knows.
So, as you can see, Ms. I Love Being a Dirty, Dirty Bitch Crystle isn't as sweet and wholesome as she appears.
My advice to any of you, if you get an e-mail or AOL instant message from her, log off, shut down, and run.
As
Fast
As
You
Can
Anfry Jelus Bicth indeed.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-26 11:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another day at work and I am bored...so YOU shall be my victim today... :)
This is still funny as hell.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-18 16:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you two are so fucking funny.
this was maybe the best match up of all.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-18 10:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm on the internets stealin' ur menz!"...and "When you're tired of 'granny pussy', you'll know where to find me"...
Gold.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-05-18 09:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All Crystle said was "I'm on the internets stealin' ur menz. Ello L, bitch!"
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This was seriously good. Creative and original, with some actual flow.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-05-18 08:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-18 08:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for creativity. Not like you had a lot of scathing stuff on her.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-05-18 05:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just barely. I thought it was too......... forced.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-18 04:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-05-17 23:30:13 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle just sounds more and more perfect each and every day.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-18 03:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-18 02:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Crystle?
The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-18 01:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hey...almost didn't see you down there.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-17 23:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-17 22:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All Crystle said was "I'm on the internets stealin' ur menz. Ello L, bitch!"
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-17 22:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-17 21:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Serious HATE!!11!!!one!!!
:D
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-05-17 20:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hate to ruin the streak but I will agree with you that Crystal's was better. Sorry hun/
Submitted by Despina (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don unnerstand y u guys are always anfry at each other u shuld be freidns this isnt very nice +2 so that mebbe u 2 will sto
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You to, Fg... I was Lolling!
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Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW, good show girl!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha... yeah, you're just jelous.
bicth.
Now I know you're gonna be anfry... but go ahead and read this :http://www.ubersite.com/m/108429
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-05-17 19:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: ) now that was hate !
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crystle just sounds more and more perfect each and every day.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is getting my 'awesome' label.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I was "oversexed"
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Forensic FTW!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you. Just reading her described as "this oversexed lunatic" made me laugh and I couldn't stop after that. Very creative.
Anfry Jelus Bicth indeed.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhhh, did you save those pictures by any chance...and can I have them now, please?
You haven't emailed me anything good in forever.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-17 18:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the fuck, Crystle?"
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE BEHIND TOOTIE, AREN'T YOU?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just barely. I thought it was too......... forced.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very creative!
"QUIT TRYING TO TEMPT HIM WITH YOUR 'BIGGER THAN MINE' BOOBS!"
Sweetie, EVERYBODY has bigger boobs that you. Especially me. Which reminds me, we ned to go lingerie shopping...
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-17 17:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...send crackheads over to sodomize my cat.
+2 alone, the rest was just as funny