Cocktails and Broken Hearts (1460 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-05-19 01:56:26 EDT
Inspired by the painting of the same name by Jack Vettriano
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Josie was sliding her empty martini glass in a small circle, lost in her thoughts. The murmuring of the other club patrons had become ignorable white noise. Why couldn't she forget?
"Another Gibson, Josie?"
Manny's question pulled her out of her reflections. "Please" she said and slid her empty glass across the bar top. Josie briefly thought about leaving after finishing this new martini but quickly abandoned the idea. She just wasn't ready to leave yet. She wanted to stay long enough to forget why she came here in the first place. She pulled a small bowl of peanuts towards herself but pushed them away immediately. Why couldn't she forget? A fresh martini on top of a new cocktail napkin appeared in front of her.
"Thank you, Manny."
"Are these helping?"
"Not yet, but I have hope." Josie answered with a halfhearted twitch of a smile.
"Are you trying to remember or forget? Maybe a little of both?"
"Honestly Manny, I don't know. I'm just so....I'm a little hazy right now."
"It'll come."
Josie took a sip and stood up. "Manny, I'll be right back. I'm going to freshen up a little. Watch my drink?"
She kept her head down as she made her way through the club. She didn't want to meet anyone's eyes on her way to the restrooms. Avoiding an acknowledgement nod from a man exiting the men's room, Josie ducked into the ladies'. When the door finished its slow shut, Josie sunk down on a thickly padded bench and sat her clutch purse on her lap. She leaned her back against the wall behind the bench and admired the Art Deco lighting fixtures and decorations. She was glad she found this place instead of some dank hole in the wall. The 'Stop Over' was clean, classy, and safe and she felt comfortable here. She remembered coming up on from out of the darkness of the street. She briefly had considered heading down the street a little bit further to a more empty looking bar, but the opulent double doors of the 'Stop Over' were so inviting and she had heard Billie Holliday, her favorite singer, playing on the jukebox. She was just drawn in, almost as if someone was pushing her from behind or pulling her from the front.
"It really is such a beautiful place, isn't it?"
Josie was snapped out of her private thoughts once again. A woman in her early twenties was standing in front of her. She was a pretty brunette with ruby red lips and wearing a smart garnet colored wool suit with black trim around the collar and cuffs.
"Yes. It's very nice." Josie quickly murmured and she stood and hurried towards the vanity and away from the other woman.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you, it's just......."
Josie hid her slight exasperation. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She wanted to sit on her own with her thoughts for company. Not wanting to be rude however, she turned to the woman to listen.
"Well, I was wondering.....would you like to come and maybe sit with me? I'm kind of lonely and I really would like someone to talk to. I.....this is a little embarrassing but...I really don't know what I'm doing here. I shouldn't be here."
"What's your name, hon?" Josie asked.
"Helen. My fella calls me Rosie though, on account of my cheeks."
"Isn't he here with you?"
Helen flustered. "Oh.....no, he isn't here. He......." Helen's eyes began to tear and she quickly dug a kerchief out of a jacket pocket and dabbed at them.
"Alright, don't cry, Helen. Listen, go tell Manny at the bar what you want and have him put it on 'Josie's' tab. I'll come and sit with you after a bit. Where are you at?"
Helen sniffed away her few tears and fanned her face with her hand. "I'm over at the table closest to the jukebox."
"Fine. Just give me a few minutes. Ok? Don't worry, whatever it is, we'll figure it out."
Helen gushed then hurried out of the restroom to get her drink and wait on Josie. Josie sighed heavily. This was the last thing she wanted to do, to coddle some silly girl who was having boy problems. Maybe she saw Josie as a big sister figure. Maybe she really did just need to someone to sit with her. At any rate, Josie planned to only sit and chat with her a few minutes, 15 tops. The girl was young, Josie reasoned, a little reassuring on Josie's part and Helen will be just fine. The young mend quickly and forget the pain.
Forget.
Josie glanced in the mirror. She looked sad. A forced smile looked exactly like that, forced, so she gave up putting on a mask. She suddenly remembered the way her mother's face looked when her father went away to war. The same face was looking back at Josie through the mirror. Odd she should remember that now.
Remember.
Josie returned to the bar. Manny had removed her drink when she excused herself so that it wouldn't get spilled. Now that she was back, Manny placed it back in front of her.
"That was a nice thing you did for that girl, Josie." Josie twitched another half smile at him in acknowledgement.
Her plan was to finish this drink, order another Gibson, then make an appearance over at Helen's table. She would pat her on her shoulder, tell her everything will be alright, and then remove herself from Helen's world and return to her own. Josie suddenly remembered how her best girlhood friend and she used to hide away from everyone in a tree house on a neighboring farm. They would talk for hours and giggle while they heard their families calling their names. Then, ask dusk began to approach, they would part ways and run across the fields to their respective homes. A penny landed in front of Josie.
"For your thoughts." Manny said with a lopsided grin.
"I was just thinking about..............my friend..........a tree....." Josie trailed off. Motion from the back of the club got her attention. A man had blustered in, a soaked trenchcoat and water dripping from the brim of his hat indicated he had been caught in a downpour. He made his way immediately to the bar where Manny was waiting for him.
"Gimme some whiskey, wouldja Buddy? Some good stuff." Manny busied himself preparing the new man's drink.
"It wasn't raining when I came in." Josie said. The man picked up a cocktail napkin and dabbed his face dry.
"Well, it's coming down in buckets now, Doll. Thanks Mack." The man grabbed his whiskey and made his way to an empty table where he sat and lit a cigar.
"You were saying, Josie?" Manny asked.
"I......I'm not sure. I was just thinking of the fields back home....when I was a girl. Oh...right...the girl. I'm supposed to go talk with her I think." Josie glanced around the club. She thought the girl said she was sitting at the table next to the jukebox.
"She's gone, Josie. She said to thank you but that she was going to meet her 'fella.'" Manny motioned towards the now empty table next to the club's jukebox. A glass with one last sip of white wine remained. Josie blinked at the empty seat.
"I don't understand. She seemed so upset."
"Cocktails and broken hearts." Manny offered. "She'll be fine, Josie. All she needed was a little act of kindness. There isn't too much of that to go around."
Josie took another drink from her martini glass. She thought about her roommate. Her roommate was in art school and had been working on her final, a sculpture of.....a....Josie shook her head. Why couldn't she remember? Her roommate had driven Josie crazy staying up all hours working on it and fretting. It'll be great, Josie had assured her. That damn sculpture.....what was it of? Josie rubbed her right temple.
"Jo?" Manny called her back from her mental wandering.
"That's my nickname. How did you know?"
Manny was now giving Josie all of his attention. He was looking at her with a gentle earnesty. Josie glanced at the woman sitting a few feet down the bar from her. She wore a pretty yellow summer sundress and was sniffing the mint leaf from her julep.
"Summer.........." Josie looked again at the back of the club where another person was coming in. The new woman wore a long grey overcoat and she was busy dusting off snow from her shoulders and sleeves. Josie quickly looked at the man who had come in a few minutes ago, the one wet from the rain. She looked again at the woman in the sundress.
"They come here from their own places just like you." Manny explained. "Where did you come from Jo?"
Josie looked into Manny's eyes. Suddenly, sections from her life came to her in loaded images, flashing instantly and disappearing just as fast. Her beloved dog, her 5th grade teacher and the way she used to hum while she wrote on the chalkboard, her mother hanging wet laundry on the clothesline, her father coming in from the field, when she went off to college, waiting tables to earn the rent.....the images swarmed her mind and she watched them like a movie. If she tried to pause on a certain memory, she found that it had disappeared from her mind.
"Let them come, Josie, so that they can go. You need to get to when you arrived here."
How did she get here? She remembered a train. Yes, the train...............
"There was a train I think. I was on the train going to.........but......" Josie sharply breathed in.
"It's alright, Jo, I'm here." Manny put a hand on top of hers.
"An accident.......the train was in an accident. Then....that's when I got here, I think."
A single tear ran down Josie's cheek. It was clear now. Manny wiped the tear from her cheek with a napkin.
"I can't remember anything now. Everything's gone. I should go now."
Josie looked again at Manny. He was serene and comforting. She slid her empty glass over to him.
"One more for the road?" She asked.
"One more and you won't remember who you are and I can't allow that." Manny came around from the back of the bar with one arm behind his back. With his free arm, he helped Josie down off her bar stool and gently turned her towards the doors.
As Josie looked at the doors, she quietly said, "I'll never see you again, Manny."
"I don't know. Maybe when my relief gets here and I can leave."
"When will that be?" Josie asked from a far away place in her mind. The doors were pulling her towards them.
"Whenever they're ready to get here and I'm ready to leave. Until then, I've got some work to do."
Without looking at Manny, Josie nodded and headed towards the doors. Her clutch purse lay on the bar. She didn't need it now.
"Wait." Manny walked up to Josie and handed her a bundle of delicate blue flowers.
Josie looked at the flowers in her hands. "What lovely..............."
"Forget Me Nots." He answered and tenderly kissed her on a cheek. He watched as she approached the doors at the back of the club, paused to glance one more time at him, pushed them open and walked through.
Outside, the night was still and warm. Josie glanced to the right and then the left. Dark. The street running perpendicular to the bar was brightly lit with soft white street lights. That's where she wanted to go.
Josie began walking down the street, still clutching her flowers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-18 21:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this wasn't the internet I'd probably want to have sex with you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-24 09:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff, im not going to chage out of my pj bottoms all day.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I really liked this, surprised I didn't rate it though.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Done.
Now post something, twat.
Uber needs talent, and I\'m certainly not going to provide it.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah well, yes, but you must now suck it up. You will need someone when you are old. Go read my Toothpick story.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No. Just worked around there. The pipe-laying was done with a bevy of women in Flagstaff.
I miss Flagstaff.
And being single.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've worked there - let me guess - you laid pipe there too, right? Ha ha, that is funny. Double entendre, and all that...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ash Fork. Ahahahaha. Nice.
No. It was Flagstaff. There are some old women there, too.
Ash Fork. Ah...you surprised me, I must say.
I\'ve done a lot of work around there. Oh my goodness...
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 04:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I imagine that in Ash Fork there is not a lot to choose from. Perhaps the oil supply salesman's daughter as they pass through town or something.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 04:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I\'ve always liked older women. As proof, I married a couple of them.
FG is younger than I, however.
I had a one-nighter with a woman who could have been any where from 40 to 60. I couldn\'t tell. It was fun.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 04:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, closer to OUR age and therefore even moreso (attractive).
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 02:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad someone reviewed this so I could find it and her other posts. ForensicGirl has a lot of good stuff, no?
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Yes.
I don\'t rate everything I\'ve read, as it might seem stalkerish.
She\'s quite attractive, too.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 02:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad someone reviewed this so I could find it and her other posts. ForensicGirl has a lot of good stuff, no?
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-06-24 02:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really enjoyed this.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2007-06-16 23:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this, keep it up.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-05-27 16:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a short visit to Ubersite today. I just wanted to say that you, forensic lady, have always been nice to me, and I think you are lovely. Thanks for not being repulsive. Now I must go feed my child, as my breasts feel like they have concrete sting. Have a great day.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-05-25 14:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
disgusting weak man below
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-22 19:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still sorry you hate me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-22 15:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and again
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-22 09:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The shtick is stale. I'm going back to merely writing "<swoons>" after your reviews.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-21 16:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHEN JOSIE COMES HOME, SO GOOD
SHE'S THE PRIDE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-05-21 14:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-21 09:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-20 15:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-05-20 12:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree Lung. Some of my best friends are assholes, bastards, dickheads, bitches, and mean sonofabitches.
Circe is friends with him so there must be some redeeming qualities.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was quite fun. I think I like that guy, actually.
A lot of my friends, nay, most of my friends are dickheads, and I love them dearly.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was cool, reminded me of the movie "Carnival of Souls".
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. all this for just the opening lines?
dude.
Plenty of women ride motorcycles. Some of them even have them painted girly colors and rev them with their manicured hands.
And, if you're nice to them, they might just flash their tits at you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, i encourage you to write more. dont do a creative writing course, they arent helpful - i did about 6 or 7 of them jsut to be sure.
as i said, my comments were written while drunk, and are purely about the opening lines. i didnt have the concentrative ability to go further. im a little busy now, but if you want im happy to read the entirety and offer some criticism.
it might not be nice. but im sure your tender little soul can deal with it. if not, im also sure there are a slew of internet suitors ready and more than willing to defend your honour.
failing that you can hunt me down on your chopper and strangle me with those giant, wiry, masculine hands, you fuckin dyke.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 01:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's not a dick for his helpful criticisms. That's fine. Just a dick, in general, I mean.
Okay iddqd. No rage here. Jesus. And I have no doubt that you're a swell guy in real life, despite all evidence that I've seen.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually Lung, I did appreciate his criticism. I've never taken a creative writing course. Plenty of academic writing courses (insanely boring as you well know) and most of the writing I HAVE to do is academic. I write academically fairly well (or so I've been told). I can write 5 pages without saying one goddamned thing! THAT right there is an accomplishment! :D
But yes, iddy is a pill. He prides himself on it I think.
He's sometimes amusing in his irascibility. Plus he used the word wank.
I dunno. I know this story isn't the best thing out there, nor is it the worst.
At least I'm trying.
Ima go open a vein now.
BTW Iddy, I'm fairly certain I was born with a vagina. I've put a call into my mother for verification.
I enjoy penises so I'm also fairly certain that makes me heterosexual.
Hope that clears some things up. Thanks again.
Try not to bugger any of your mates when you get pissed.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and youve misread your own words, matey. you summated your 'insults' (for lack of a better word) with a statement about how 'its just a fucking number'. you completely misunderstood my comments, and in an endearing, if impotent little defensive rage you flew off the handle at me cos i insulted your little internet dreamgirl.
im not continuing this shitpile of a conversation on forensics post. it does it a disservice. if you want to try and have another misinformed and misguided crack at me, leave a message on one of mine.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my comments about forensic being 'mannish' were a joke, minirob.
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Oh. My bad. In that case: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*wear
beat you to it bubba
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon, Lunger, didn't yo mama tell you to be "nice to fools and drunks?" Iddqd is both....
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Hey Bubba. How's tricks?
Mama never foresaw that I'd be associating with cretins. Mama was wrong.
Incidentally, my only other interaction with iddqd, or whatever the fuck, was when he went in to some detail about the reason NFL players where so much padding. Apparently, it's because they are so big and they hit each other really hard. I must say, he has a sublimely keen eye for the fucking obvious.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my comments about forensic being 'mannish' were a joke, minirob.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-19 23:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"But I'm not under any illusion that I'll ever meet her, much less make the sweet love to her...um, unless, that is...oh nevermind. And what kind of moron would believe that +2'ing a user one finds pleasant as a means of chatting that person up. (Plus, there's that whole "I'm married" thing.) Not a single +2 I've doled out on this website was done with even a remote hope of getting into somebody's pants"
you protest a little too much...
========
You conveniently left out the "humor" part, such as it was. Nice deception.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"unlike me they havent realsed that you are mannish, and have yet (as far as uber knows) to discover your lesbianism. not that theres anything wrong with that."
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Haha. What a dickhole. There's some constructive criticism for you. For someone who claims, implicitly, if not outright, to *know* writing, you've completely missed the mark on my comments to you. I simply called you a pretentious, presumptuous, miserable dickhead who needs to lighten up and get a life. All else was merely a means to frame these insults, with a little lame humor thrown in (it's what I do).
So, let me make it embarrassingly simple for you:
iddqd, you are are a pretentious, presumptuous, miserable dickhead who needs to lighten up and get a life.
That is all. Simple enough for you, numbnuts?
****
C'mon, Lunger, didn't yo mama tell you to be "nice to fools and drunks?" Iddqd is both....
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"unlike me they havent realsed that you are mannish, and have yet (as far as uber knows) to discover your lesbianism. not that theres anything wrong with that."
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Haha. What a dickhole. There's some constructive criticism for you. For someone who claims, implicitly, if not outright, to *know* writing, you've completely missed the mark on my comments to you. I simply called you a pretentious, presumptuous, miserable dickhead who needs to lighten up and get a life. All else was merely a means to frame these insults, with a little lame humor thrown in (it's what I do).
So, let me make it embarrassingly simple for you:
iddqd, you are are a pretentious, presumptuous, miserable dickhead who needs to lighten up and get a life.
That is all. Simple enough for you, numbnuts?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-19 23:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"But I'm not under any illusion that I'll ever meet her, much less make the sweet love to her...um, unless, that is...oh nevermind. And what kind of moron would believe that +2'ing a user one finds pleasant as a means of chatting that person up. (Plus, there's that whole "I'm married" thing.) Not a single +2 I've doled out on this website was done with even a remote hope of getting into somebody's pants"
you protest a little too much...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-19 23:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha lungfish is trying to pick up the slack for his little lost mate, rob.
fuck off, tool.
its not about the number, you fuckwit, its about the sentiment of people just putting down a '+2 i <3 u forensic u hav a baginer' and thats it. shes gone to a bunch of trouble writing this and doing that just makes it a big waste of time, as losers like you will give her adulation no matter what she does.
probably because youre desperate and lonely and this is as close to any action as youve gotten for years. but thats all conjecture - a word im sure youll love, minirob.
moving on, i gave her some constructive criticism and some knowledgeable help for her future writings. what did you do? sucked her figurative cock. poorly.
pretentious? i suppose. plus i was was also really drunk and dont remember typing it, though reading what i said, i would have said pretty much the same thing.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two-pump chump below.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These +2s are for you and you alone, sweetie. There are plenty more where these came from. What do you say? I'll give you a massage before AND after. I'm that kind of guy, Baby. What do you say? I'll put on some Jethro Tull. Some candlelight. Some Marvin Gaye. Oh yeah.... That's good. I know how you like it. Oooo...right there. That's how I like it. +2 Baby.
Okay I'm done. You can go home now.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this doing it for you? Do I make you hot?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got to take the kid swimming pretty soon, but I'm free this evening. Drinks? My place? The wife will be sleeping. What do you think?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Baby...I like what I see. You think I could get some sugar?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*presumptuous
Submitted by guitarjunky421 (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it was like reading someone's dream
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then she walked out.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it. I liked it. Better than 99% of the shit on here. And I did want to keep reading. The only word that tripped me up was "ignorable."
iddqd - You're an awfully pretentious and presumptive, miserable prick, eh?
Of course, FG could post a picture of a detached testicle and I would +2 it. But I'm not under any illusion that I'll ever meet her, much less make the sweet love to her...um, unless, that is...oh nevermind. And what kind of moron would believe that +2'ing a user one finds pleasant as a means of chatting that person up. (Plus, there's that whole "I'm married" thing.) Not a single +2 I've doled out on this website was done with even a remote hope of getting into somebody's pants; except when I rate Rad, of course.
Lighten up, numbnuts. It's just a fuckin' number. Try to enjoy your life a little bit more. Or don't. I don't care. At any rate, you're being a dickhead.
My daughter just walked in to tell me, "Hi Daddy. Girls rule and boys fart." Then should walked out.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-19 13:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Josie was sliding her empty martini glass in a small circle, lost in her thoughts. The murmuring of the other club patrons had become ignorable white noise. Why couldn't she forget?
"Another Gibson, Josie?"
Manny's question pulled her out of her reflections. "Please" she said and slid her empty glass across the bar top. Josie briefly thought about leaving after finishing this new martini but quickly abandoned the idea. She just wasn't ready to leave yet. She wanted to stay long enough to forget why she came here in the first place. She pulled a small bowl of peanuts towards herself but pushed them away immediately. Why couldn't she forget? A fresh martini on top of a new cocktail napkin appeared in front of her.
---
josie turned her head from the door sharply as the martini glass before her slid in a tiny neurotic circle as she stared off into the distance. sounds of voices and droning club music beat a thronging bass in her head as she stirred her drink absentmindedly.
"another drink, josie?"
josie snapped her head up for a second as Manny offered her another scotch.
"more ice, Manny"
---
ok so ill get told how shit this example is, but what ive done here is say what youve said without saying it directly, the *allusion* to tension is much more effective than the telling of it. instead of placing the blunt: "Why couldn't she forget?
" you do it with actions intead, you write her doing repetitive, inane things that display a distracted or disturbed mind. its not about dissertaion, its about allusion, make your reader do a little work.
of course, almost all of your readers are idiots that will not read what yove written, and give you +2's because they think that one day they might get to fuck you.
foolishly, unlike me they havent realsed that you are mannish, and have yet (as far as uber knows) to discover your lesbianism. not that theres anything wrong with that.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 13:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Helen gushed then hurried out of the restroom to get her drink and wait on Josie.
______
This felt clumsy. There were a couple of sentences that jarred.
But that is just cosmetics. The emotions and the story were very good.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-19 13:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i read the first sentence.
its clunky and the word selection is just atrocious. stick to science.
i mean that in a non-bitchy way. the first sentence is REALLY important. if you cant stick that, then the rest dont matter so much.
forget the +2's. i'm right.
this isn't to dissuade you from writing, not at all.
a story is more than a first sentence. im fully aware of that. however, it really is a key point of any story, and particularly with a short, short story like this, where to be perfectly honest, every phrase should be carefully thoguht, somehting as momentous as a first sentence should be bang on the money. not jsut what it says, but also what it doesnt say. and particularly, HOW it says it.
ill stop there, because it just gets even more artsy and wank-filled from there.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-19 12:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-05-19 12:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This gave me chills - I really liked it. You play with subtle context well and make the reader work to figure it out.
Good work.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-19 11:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-19 10:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whenever I read your fiction, it always makes me wish you'd post more of it. You managed to convey a lot of feeling here, without having to reveal a lot of background. Very good.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-05-19 07:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 05:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 05:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya govril po-russkiy v barye v Flagstafye. Ochen khorosho. Ya ochen kraciviy. Menya zavoot Daniil. Vodka. Cigaret. Piva. Karendash. U menya yest doch. Ya yeyo ochen lublyu. Maya doch kracivaya. Bumaga. Gdye vonnaya? Bog.
Idi D'backs woo!
-----
Translation, because I'm not tired after having taken a very long nap after work and I'm currently bored:
I spoke Russian in a bar in Flagstaff. Very well. I am very beautiful My name is Daniel. Vodka. Cigarette. Beer. Pencil. I have a daughter. I really love my daughter. My daughter is beautiful. Paper. Where is the bathroom? God.
Go D'backw woo!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 05:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya govril po-russkiy v barye v Flagstafye. Ochen khorosho. Ya ochen kraciviy. Menya zavoot Daniil. Vodka. Cigaret. Piva. Karendash. U menya yest doch. Ya yeyo ochen lublyu. Maya doch kracivaya. Bumaga. Gdye vonnaya? Bog.
Idi D'backs woo!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 05:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know Wildman. I once acted like a Russian one time in a bar because I didn't want to talk to anybody. Backfired, though, and I ended up having to talk Russian all night to all the freaks who found me a curiousity. Sucked, but I got drunk nonetheless.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-19 04:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"She didn't want to talk to anyone"...I hate this lie or premise, be it a man or woman, when the setting takes place in a bar or tavern.
Bullshit
At best, they want to experience some drama, sans participation, to make them feel better about themselves.
Good luck with that, especially if you're a woman.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-19 03:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, she died on the train wreck and the bar is the 'halfway house' between her and the afterlife, right?
If not, then Manny wants to get laid and he probably shouldn't have let the woman with a probable sever concussion wander away alone. :P
Liked it lots, please write more...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only saw two typos, which is pretty good for this place.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe the typos. Damn, I thought I proof read it better than I did.
Dang dang dang
Thanks Lung.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. I just re-read my review and can't believe a brought that up again.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. I believe this is the first piece of fiction of yours that I've read. Maybe not. You're just peachy aren't you, which is to say:
"forensicgirl3: Smart, strong, beautiful, and opinionated. In a word: sexy. Holy lord, she's sexy. And she has small breasts, to boot. These, I love. I'm talking about the boobs. Small boobs are the best. Holy lord, she's sexy. Holy lord, she's sexy. Smart, strong, beautiful, and opinionated. Holy lord, she's sexy. I hope I'm not focusing too much on the small boobs. Good lord, I love those."
Let me add talented.
I'll have you know I skipped the first 10 minutes of Bill Maher to read this. No many posters could make me do that.
Excellent. I wanted to read more.
Cheers.