"$10/hr is not enough for this job"; or "every other day enemas and my left breast" (1724 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.86 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by coley (View user info) at 2007-05-19 02:07:58 EDT
So, I've been MIA. Missing in Action, not necessarily missed here per se but you get the idea.
I lost my job, as you know, then I got two more...waiting tables at the local redneck bar/diner/gas station (you might be a redneck if your favorite restaurant has gas pumps out front) and another "gig" at a caregiving agency. I only did about five days at the diner, and have 2 caregiving jobs. Today, I am here to tell you about one of them.
So, three days a week, the shittiest possible three days (Friday, Saturday and Sunday), I drive a ridiculous distance (35 minutes) at a crappily early hour (start at 8), take a stupidly long forced "lunch break" (from 1:30 pm to 4 pm, when I live too far out of town to go home that's a lot of time to kill three days in a row every week) and stay until 9 pm. I make next to nothing, and so I guess what I'm saying here is that my job is totally glamorous. Glamorous like Fergie but with less ex-tweaker-whore vibe about it.
I technically take care of one gentleman, but his elderly Italian wife also needs help with various things. She's a friggin kick in the pants. She walks with a cane, and knighted me with it on my first day. Conversely, if I mess anything up (like forget to make her bed), she raises it over her head and swears at me in Italian. With love.
Anyhow, her husband, who I will call "Lester" is about 88 years old and rocks the motorized wheelchair at around 250 lbs, is mentally completely with it but suffers from CMT (a neuromuscular disease that renders him basically a paraplegic. He also is gifted with a catheter, which I get to irrigate every day for an hour with an antimicrobial agent to prevent bladder and urinary tract infections.
Man, I gotta tell you, I never thought it was possible to get desensitized to seeing "too much" penis, but it IS possible. I'm lookin' at you, Lish. Just kidding!! I never get tired of penis.
So anyway, along with the daily Renacidin catheter irrigations, I'm also lucky enough to administer enemas every other day. Good thing I'm only there three days a week, or the awesomeness of it all might be too much. Once a week I also give him a shower (bed baths the rest of the days).
Old men seem harmless. Especially ones that are paralyzed and in wheelchairs. I mean, they can't come after you, right? Well technically, but the five-dot speed level is not quite as fast as you can run, so they're not a real threat. So of course, I thought it was cute when "Lester" started greeting me in the mornings with "Good morning, how's my beautiful caregiver?"
AWW how nice, old man.
Then I gave him a shower, and he says to the coworker training me: "Next week, I give Nee-cole a shower."
AWW that's kind of creepy, yet pretty funny
Then I give him another shower and after I take his shirt off of him, he says: "Now you take your shirt off."
EWW OKAY THIS IS GETTING DISTURBING, yet still funny enough that I can tell other people about it so they can laugh at my expense.
Last week I was sitting at the desk, doing my paperwork, when I heard the WHIRRR of his motorized wheelchair as he approached way too close behind me. Then he starts stroking my hair. "Do you mind?" he says. "ummmm" I said, got up and made an excuse to leave.
Later in the week, I go to give him a hug and say goodnight and he says "Hold me." HAHA. Do people really say that? I guess so. He says, "Give me a kiss." I say "No can do!", and I told him, "you're all tucked in your bed now, sleep well, have a good night!" He says, "It would be better if you were in here with me!"
OKAY SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT SO CUTE ANYMORE
(but you are still laughing at my expense, right? God I hope so...)
Finally today I think I reached the creep-out point.
"Lester" says to me, "Give me a hug." I go to give him the shoulder-hug, seeing as how his wheelchair puts him smack at boob level, and he starts pulling on me! He says.. get this...
"Just let me put my head on your left breast. It's so soft."
APPARENTLY PERSISTENCE IS THE KEY TO OLD AGE
When I got to work this morning, there was a note from my coworker (who is supposed to do his shower on my day off). It said, "Nicole: (Lester) wants you do give him his shower this week. Lucky you!"
I think I'll pass on that one.
God I hope this new job I interviewed for yesterday pans out....
------
Check out this creepy video:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=1725015206
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-21 16:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that muthafucka tries to get you in the back seat of a car, I will personally inject 50 CCs of KCl into his weakass veins...
==========
BWAHAHAHAHA
awesome.
Yes, H_E. It was GodChicken. He even left me an ominous voicemail pleading to let him play "just the tip", and then called me a naughty orc.
:'(
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-05-22 14:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-05-22 09:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-20 23:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up and let the old man have a piece, you fucking tease.
Seriously, I don't see what the big deal is.
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i fucking love jeanneee..
oh and PS you bitches need to get back on gabbly STAT
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-05-21 17:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could pretend to be Anna-Nicole Smith.... she would have been all over his old balls.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-21 16:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that muthafucka tries to get you in the back seat of a car, I will personally inject 50 CCs of KCl into his weakass veins...
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-21 11:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-05-19 06:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
come on coley. just the tip.. you're so soft and warm...
-------------
"Lester" was really GodChicken, wasn't he, coley? I know he was.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enemas and a left breast???
How can I decline?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't you just slip him some of that shit that gives you a cardiac?..
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-21 08:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-20 23:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up and let the old man have a piece, you fucking tease.
Seriously, I don't see what the big deal is.
--------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That review bumped this post from a +1 to a +2.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-21 07:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wank him off and you'll go to heaven
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-05-21 06:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, poor ol' boy. Perhaps the humanitarian thing to do is to see him off with a bang?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeannee: I will TOTALLY let you do the honors.
And by "honors" I mean "paralyzed old man".
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-05-21 00:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just for the catheter.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-21 00:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why I love Jeanneee below.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-20 23:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up and let the old man have a piece, you fucking tease.
Seriously, I don't see what the big deal is.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-05-20 22:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah, good follow up video for the story
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-20 20:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-20 15:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-20 14:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...yes?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-20 04:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to insure future Coley lovin'. Later on, I mean.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-05-20 00:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That video was awesome.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-05-19 19:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Coleyoleyo!
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-05-19 17:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but auto +2 coley.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
$10 an hour for that work? I hope you get good tips.
See what I did there? Tips! BWAAAAHAHAHAA! Hee... hoo...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way those statistics.....completely made up.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just described the mental picture I have of myself at 80.
Seriously though, once you get to 75, everything is bonus time and you gotta make the most of it. 9 out of 10 old men and women aren't helpless, but they feign it in order to get a cute 20-something of the opposite sex to visit them and grope every once in a while, and they get away with it too because "hey...they're old."
It's the american dream...
I can't wait to get old and irrigated.
Great story.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
boo bad jobs...yea people bitching about them?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 13:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
APPARENTLY PERSISTENCE IS THE KEY TO OLD AGE
****
Fuckin-A....
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-05-19 15:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very meh, but i'm about 9 posts down the front page and this is the only post I've come across so far that is remotely intresting.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-05-19 14:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-19 04:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The next time I hug a girl I'm totally telling her "Just let me put my head on your left breast. It's so soft."
--
Ditto.
---------
*Nods in agreement.*
-Dave
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-19 13:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
APPARENTLY PERSISTENCE IS THE KEY TO OLD AGE
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-19 12:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-written and funny.
With all your experience, what are the chances of getting a job in a hospital or nursing home?
Those places pay insurance, vacation, etc. I appreciate people like you who help others.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-19 10:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA OK SRY still laughing. But not at your expense, so much as all the humor you managed to fit into a not-so-funny situation.
I'm sorry about the pervy old man, and I wish you luck on the job thing. I cared for a *3 year old* one summer, and he copped a feel. When I asked him why, he said "Because I wike breasts. I WUV THEM!" Some things never change.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-19 10:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could use a little scrub down right about now myself...how much do you charge?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-19 10:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No trust me, it's friggin creepy. I'm pretty sure I forgot to include the part where he had his arm around me and would not let me get away. Seriously, there was struggle-age involved.
I have to go to work now...
:'(
PS NO IT DID NOT WORK AND YES THEY ARE SOFT
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-19 09:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i DIDN'T FIND IT CREEPY, HE JUST SEEMS lonely and old/
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-19 09:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-05-19 06:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
come on coley. just the tip.. you're so soft and warm...
===
GODCHICKEN! WOO!
And I've missed you, Coles. I'm going to make some tea and then read this right.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-05-19 09:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can't be that inappropriate if he hasn't groped your bum yet.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-19 09:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Just let me put my head on your left breast. It's so soft."
------------
So uh...did that line work? *takes notes*
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-19 08:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-05-19 07:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
well is it soft?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-05-19 06:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
come on coley. just the tip.. you're so soft and warm...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-19 04:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with your new job x
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-19 04:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The next time I hug a girl I'm totally telling her "Just let me put my head on your left breast. It's so soft."
--
Ditto.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-19 03:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2--geriatric lovin'
I'm *really* looking forward to being a dirty old man someday.
My dream is to become the senile guy from the movie 'Waiting'.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The next time I hug a girl I'm totally telling her "Just let me put my head on your left breast. It's so soft."
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You KNOW I like EVERYTHING about this.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck. Thanks for helping miss the one TV show I like to watch every week.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
I'm going to bed now.
God I hope I get that new job....
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*heavy breathing*
Hi Nicole.
*resume heavy breathing*
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*heavy breathing*
Hi Nicole.
*resume heavy breathing*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually look forward to infirmity on account of the presumed sponge baths.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BWAHAHA
okay, at least quote me if it gets you spongebaths....
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lot a good lines in here that I fully intend to use next month...whether or not you are my home care provider.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I"M SERIOUSLY CREEPED OUT ABOUT THIS
I'm drinking a MICHELOB ULTRA...WARM..to cope...
I need counseling :(
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*stares*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-19 02:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next month, when I'm too old to take care of myself, and I have you taking care of my catheter and wiping me and giving me sponge baths, I'm going to leer at you and say: Next week, I give Nee-cole a sponge bath.
Okay?
Hi Coley.
You folks aren't letting me watch Bill Maher.
I'm serious about the sponge bath thing, if the old lady lets me, which is a definite "no" by the way.