What is the most average thing you've ever masturbated to? (1554 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.2 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Unban_Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2007-05-21 01:32:32 EDT
Last night i was watching "The Naked Gun" in bed and, because i sleep naked, acquired a random boner merely by virtue of the fact i kept rolling around and changing position.
Now, normally i'd just ignore it and keep watching but for some reason i just decided to slowly beat off instead. Let me explain that i wasnt even beating off to the sexier scenes of this movie. In fact, the most common image that i was probably seeing while shifting gears was that of Leslie Neilson's face looking slightly shocked.
Come cum time, i was so lazy i just jizzed straight off the side of my bed into (mostly) my waste paper basket) and (somewhat) my carpet.
I realised this was probably the most banal, non-sexy thing i've ever ejaculated to and was wondering what Uber could come up with on the same token.
On an unrelated note, i just bought 6 kilos (14.5 lbs) of steak for $38AUD and am going to eat nothing but steak, onions and hot mustard for about the next 3 weeks. I was wondering what spectacular lengths other Uberites had gone to in their college (or just poor) years to get by cheaply on food. And i'm not asking for stories about pot noodles, i'd rather interesting stuff.
Finally, look at the size of this boat. (Use the tanker on the far right of the image for scale)
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Over Easter i beat off in the middle of a paddock while hunting rabbits. That's pretty special.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-30 06:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the only post on the MRR at the moment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-30 05:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
courtney thorne-smith
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-22 16:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-05-22 01:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90842
____
Hahahahahhahahaha
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90842
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-05-21 21:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
50 pound bag of white rice for $18.
1 cup makes a large meal. easy to cook, good for you...perfect.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-21 17:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't think of a mundane masturbation story, but i have a slightly disturbing one...
a friend of mine (really a friend and NOT me) regaled me with a tale of the time he was eating chocolate ice cream while taking a shit and reading Big Brother magazine. the random boner magic that governs mens' actions took hold and he just started randomly stroking one out, as men are wont to do. randomly stroke one out that is, not randomly stroke one out while eating ice cream whilst pinching a loaf...that is what men are wont to do.
anywho, he was alternating between bites of ice cream, and flipping pages of his magazine with one hand while stroking the crank with the other when his brilliant idea struck him. this was to use the melted ice cream in the bottom of the bowl as a crude lube. and so it was.
it was at this point of the story that i interrupted him to say he needn't look so deeply into peoples eyes while telling this story.
after a short pause he says, 'well, it worked well enough that i finished.'
nice.
this same gentleman also tells the tale of the time he was brushing his teeth and thought Colgate might just work as a good lubrication of sorts.
i hate my friends.
and i wish they would learn about impulse control.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-05-21 16:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Hamtaro cartoon.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-05-21 16:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The curly headed woman who is second to appear in the opening credets of the origional version of dawn of the dead....just once though....but quite recently.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-21 15:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That dildo on the front of these ships make me laugh!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-05-21 14:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the title, looked at the picture, and thus thought the most average thing you've ever fwapped to was a big boat.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-21 14:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unbanned ! +2
And i like satesauce with bread or fries or noodles or chicken...Buckets of it.(e12.50 for 6 liters)
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-21 12:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-21 11:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My mom's Better Homes and Gardens magazine.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I was expecting more from the rating of this post.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Red beans and rice New Orleans style slow cooked with turkey necks and a shitload of hot sauce. It costs about $4 to make a gigantic fucking pot that will last for days.
I once jerked off to an infomercial for collector coins.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pictures of your mum.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where, where , where!!
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on being unbanned.
As for your question...
I don't think I have any weird/boring thoughts, but I've done it in a few weird places.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 unbanning. The post is a bit disturbing, but since you asked, I once...no...I just can't do it.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For me, I'd have to say Mrs. Butterworth.
But I waited until the syrup level was low so she wouldn't look as dark.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2007-05-21 10:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
idd nailed it below, ramen with extras
on weeks where you've got a little extra scratch you can throw some cheese in that egg/noodle feast
oh and drinking soju in Korea was the best as far as cost to level of drunkeness goes.
oh and I've masturbated to the KMart sales flyer, Walmart for that matter too.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-05-21 09:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know you said no pot noodles, but i got shown an awesome way to make them by a japanese due.
you get some 2 min noodles - i recommend trident spicy thai - they come with 3 flavour satchels, and arent too bad. an egg (two if yorue feeling crazy). a cup of frozen veges.
boil water put noodle in then flavour satchers and stir for a bit.
then add veges.
wait a bit
then crack egg into water and stir until egg whites become, well, white.
if yorue feeling especially crazy, fry a couple sausages before hand and add them when you put the egg in.
noodles: about .50c
egg: maybe .20c
cup of veges: maybe .20c
a hearty, tasty and filling and possibly even argualy healthy meal for under a dollar.
for a night out under $20 you go halves with a mate in the 4 litre goon bags that cost $10, drink as much as possible of that horrible stuff (its not too bad if you put ice in the glass - kind of like shitty sangria) then head to pub by about midnight and nurse 3 beers for the rest of the night.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-21 09:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First go through and post everything on this account with your proper one.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-05-21 09:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP!
Unbanned!
Awesomeness inbound tomorrow!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-05-21 08:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
At uni I shared a house with 4 clueless lads. One day there was an offer on bakewell tarts (plate sized disgusting cake with marzipan) at our local supermarket. They were Half price so one of my housemates bought 20, without checking the use by date. They had to eat the whole lot in 2 days. terrible business.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-21 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bacon Bits on white bread, and they weren't even the real bacon bits, but the fake baco kind. Wasn't 1/2 bad.
Fortunately, there was a nice $1 store near me that had sold food, so I could have luxuries like cheese, milk, and canned veggies.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-21 07:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to eat leaf lettuce on thrift-store day-old bread when I couldn't afford bologna. Maybe some black pepper, maybe some hot sauce stolen from Taco Bell. That's nutrition right there. Good times, good times.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-21 07:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How about the wall. I survived on $1 microwave meals, 40 ouncers of Highlife and bags of apples for about a month. Apple for breakfast, 2 meals for lunch, 1 meal and 3 40's for dinner.
I kept weight on and got drunk.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-05-21 06:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tinned beetroot on toast
(to wank to, i mean)
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-05-21 05:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Just shoot Me" channel 4 this morning.
Pretty fucking boring.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-21 04:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a clock
tick
tick
tick
tick
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-21 04:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once wanked whilst Barry White played in the background. Not literally, otherwise that would of been wicked.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-05-21 04:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't masturbate as I heard it makes you go blind. I walk around with a nigh on permanent hard on (Luckily it's kind of small). After about two weeks of being overly excited, but not releasing the pressure, the pain in unbearable. Finally I manage to get too sleep and I have an 'Accident' in my sleep.
Then the process begins again.
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-21 04:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've already eaten 4 steaks in the last 2 hours. Maybe it wont last after all...
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-21 03:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A blow-up doll with a leak.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-21 03:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Telemundo
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-05-21 03:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
as of now.... this post
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-21 03:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Baseball.
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a seafood guy that gave me anything I wanted for the price of fish heads. I had a deli guy that saved me countless moneys on cold cuts/pasta salads/etc. I bought things like pasta, rice, and cereal by the case out the back door of a store.
________
As i read this review my mind was on the masturbating question and i was thinking "You got people to give you discount groceries by beating off in front of them?"
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never thought I'd admit to it, but...The Goldengirls.
Shut the fuck up.
----
but....but......*pout*
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Odyssey
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My worst is a similarly banal: home shopping network.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
come the end of this last semester, we found this japanese restaurant that was BYOEverything...and so why not get a. wasted and b. great food at the same time?
so i ate japanese food for a solid 2 weeks straight. so good
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd
lessons!
-- Homer Simpson
Boy-Scoutz n the Hood
Its like they KNOW what post this is!
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post. right now.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a seafood guy that gave me anything I wanted for the price of fish heads. I had a deli guy that saved me countless moneys on cold cuts/pasta salads/etc. I bought things like pasta, rice, and cereal by the case out the back door of a store.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-21 02:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy from Quaker Oats.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You quote-streak breaking son of a bitch.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never thought I'd admit to it, but...The Goldengirls.
Shut the fuck up.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Around the house, I never lift a finger
As a husband and father I'm sub-par
I'd rather drink a beer
than win Father of the Year
I'm happy with things the way they are
-- Homer Simpson
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
-- Homer Simpson
New Kid on the Block
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror V
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, I do not know what the Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because
I'm dying to know.
-- Homer Simpson
When Flanders Failed
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-05-21 01:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
-- Homer Simpson
Selma's Choice