Pocahontas, Playboy, and Mormons (1028 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dacin Adams <Dacin0828.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-05-21 20:41:26 EDT
I went to Barnes and Noble today to secure a late Mother's Day gift that was a specific request. A copy of Disney's Pocahontas. The fact that my mother loves these Disney jewels even though all her children are grown and have left home remains a mystery to me, but isn't really relevant to the events at all. Since she was the designated life-giver and I was a week late in getting her anything at all, like the lazy bastard son she always assumed deep down I was, I was at the DVD counter of the bookstore promptly after it opened at 9am.
The DVD section of the store has its own little register and I found myself in the sole company of a girl named Megan who rang up my purchase. She was cute, slim, and had very expressive and happy looking blue eyes. Feeling the need to defend my masculinity after she asked how my day was, I proceeded to tell her that the DVD was for my mother.
"Getting a jump on Mother's day next year huh?" She asked teasingly, looking me straight in the eye and implying that I was actually more than just a customer to her and a real human being. Which almost always puts me in a better mood.
"Yeah, I'm a bad son," I replied, smiling along with her and pleasantly enjoying the banter going on between us. "In fact, I'm such a great kid that when my mom sits down with all of us to watch it, I'll loudly proclaim that Pocahontas was modeled after a playboy model. It'll be awesome." Her blue eyes dimmed a little and her smile left her face in a heartbeat.
"Is that true?" She asked. I told her it was and she looked down at the movie in her hand as if it had suddenly taken a shit in her palm. Then she looked back up at me and her entire face had changed. It was pretty amazing to see how hard and cold it had become. And after living in Utah for 3 years, it was a familiar look. So familiar that you can pick it out of a crowd. I had just offended a Mormon.
There are two kinds of Mormons. The ones here in Utah and maybe Idaho, and the ones everywhere else. Excusing the fact that they are a strange lot already, at least the ones everywhere else can get along with other religions and groups of people for the most part. Not the Utah breed. As with my new enemy Megan here, it's as if an iron curtain has literally sheltered their minds from bad influences, possible future bad influences, and anything perceived as a bad influence. If it isn't happy and Mormon, it isn't Christlike and therefore of the devil. The state with the most supporters for George W. Bush is in Utah because that same spirit of delusion overflows into politics like a virus.
She literally used only two fingers to put my movie into a bag. "Well, that's definitely a movie I won't be showing to my little sister ever again." and handed it to me. My jaw dropped a little and I looked at her without speaking for about 20 seconds. I then spoke very slowly as if communicating with a child.
"The fact that they used models as an outline for the figure of the animated individuals doesn't actually influence the way that character behaves you know." I said, coming to grips with the fact that this twenty-something girl could be this insanely naïve and stupid. "Lots of animated women are based on real life models." And Megan's eyes switched from the Iron Curtain of the Sheltered to the Iron Curtain of I-Don't-Listen-to-Reason-Self-Righteousness. If she had literally stuck her nose up at me, it couldn't have sent a better signal. I had demoted myself from pleasant equal to a sinner beneath her attention because I had presented a solid contending point of view in two sentences.
"Well, I just don't believe in that sort of thing." She replied in a lofty tone, effectively closing the argument in her mind. In her sheltered world, I had lost the argument to her rock solid beliefs and she had scored another hit in the ongoing war against of evil. There was nothing I could say against that defense, and therefore, I MUST accept the Mormon faith as being right and pure and unassailable. I looked at her for another 10 full seconds and slowly slid my movie back across the counter toward her and looked straight in her eyes.
"I hate you fucking people."
Her eyes widened in shock and she stepped back. I gleefully noted the way my barbed words had pierced the wall she had erected in her deluded mind. I left the store and went to Borders instead. I was helped by another girl named Christina who completed my transaction in less time than it took most of you to read this post.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was delightful.
Mean... but perfect.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only thing worse is the Jehovah's Witnesses
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-05-23 16:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to think that the better response is to rise above, to lead by example and show the mindless masses just how ugly their reflection is in the face of REAL goodness...
but every now and then, you just gotta verbally bitch slap the cunts.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I've ever encountered one. At least not one like that.
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-05-22 16:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get this all the time here in Idaho. do you know why Idaho is so windy? because Utah sucks so hard!!! ZING!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-22 15:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so, they're gullible AND stupid?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-22 15:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would think that living beside Mormons would be moderately more interesting than living beside Rednecks.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-05-22 15:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glad to know it's not just me that thinks mormons are weird and utah is an alien land.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-05-22 14:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Religion sure does make some people as dumb as dog shit.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-05-22 14:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-21 22:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mormons....
the only things worse is those damn scientologists.
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damn, beat me to it.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-05-22 14:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mormonism...just slightly less retarded than Scientology.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-22 09:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate fanatics, of any religion
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-22 08:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops, I meant for this to be a 1. My bad.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-22 07:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done, lad.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-22 06:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way back, when I still wore Green, some of the most solid soldiers I ever served with were Mormons. Of course, when they fall, they fall Hard. Some of the craziest, freakiest cats I knew were of the ex-mormon persuasion.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-22 03:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-22 03:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two redeeming things for the mormons.
1) that big bright splotchy building on the left? the very best luthiers on this side of the mississippi have their shop right to the south of it.
2) grid streets.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-05-22 02:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-21 22:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too, have witnessed the amazing She-Mormon transformation and it's scary scary shit.
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hahaha, also funny post!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-05-22 02:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disney hoied lemmings off cliffs - the cowardly fuck
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-22 00:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was kind of expecting a photo of said model you know?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only (arguably) good thing Mormons ever gave to society was "Napoleon Dynamite."
There are plenty of Mormons in Atlanta if you know where to look - like the Atlanta chapter of the Georgia State Bar Association or Cobb County public schools.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly little Mormons, the devil is gonna get you.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in Atlanta. I've never met a Mormon in my life.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Religion sure does make some people as dumb/ignorant as dog shit.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-21 23:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oui.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-21 19:52:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mormons....
the only things worse is those damn scientologists.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-21 22:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mormons....
the only things worse is those damn scientologists.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-21 22:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too, have witnessed the amazing She-Mormon transformation and it's scary scary shit.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-21 21:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now if we could just reject all religion and be fucking sensible about the whole thing stupid shit like this wouldn't happen. Probably.
No in fact, forget that, people are stupid enough with or without some higher power so...we are fucked whatever. Now lets all get drunk and have sex.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-05-21 21:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When my brother came home from college one winter break, he brought his ex-girlfriend and her friend back to our house. I was sitting watching South Park while they were playing Billiards at the other side of the room. It was the mormon episode and i started making wise-cracks. Honestly, I didn't know his ex-girlfriend's friend was a mormon.
I know the exact same stare you're talking about.
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2007-05-21 21:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
www.rude.com
Free porn. It takes all my free time to burn the images into my mind so I can have a prefect recollection of what I saw when I petition congress to stop underage masturbation.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-05-21 20:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dacin! Where have you been? You went into the park didn't you? I warned you about going into that park, dude.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-21 20:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I just wanted to be your friend, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't see past my religion and just be my friend back. You gotta lotta growing up to do buddy. Suck my balls."