Everlasting Night (Part 2) (512 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.93 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester <jesterfool18.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2007-05-22 08:18:50 EDT
Part One: http://www.ubersite.com/m/108527
*********************************
Jennifer floated in a cool ocean of inky comfort. Everything around her was serene and peaceful. Still, something about this setting disturbed her. Slowly, she began to perceive that this dark sea she was immersed in was shifting. She could feel soft eddies in the currents swirling gently against her skin. Suddenly, her right hand began to feel warm, and, as if on cue, the liquid around her began to thicken. Jennifer started to have trouble breathing and her hand went from pleasantly warm to uncomfortably hot in a matter of seconds. Moments later, the cool ocean transformed to millions of tiny slivers of metal that filled her mouth and nose and were choking the life out of her and her hand was on fire and OHMYGODTHESHIPISDYINGHELPMEHELPMEHELPME...
Jennifer awoke with a breathy scream bubbling up from her throat. Pain greeted her with outstretched arms as she tried to move from her crumpled position on the cabin floor. Her right hand accidentally brushed against her body and she nearly passed out again from the pain. Eventually, Jennifer managed to sit up next to her spartan bunk. She supposed that she should be grateful that the cabin was so bare; there was nothing to fall on her when the ship was speared by...by whatever it was that the ExplorerCore ship had become. Even the bed was secured to the floor.
Once she had settled herself in as comfortable a position as she was likely to achieve, Jennifer studied her injured hand. As near as she could tell, she must have landed on it when she bounced off the wall earlier, because the first four fingers were jutting out in different, completely unnatural directions. Her palm was also red and swollen, so she might have fractured some of the bones embedded in there too. Regardless, her right hand was completely useless until she could get serious medical attention. Jennifer briefly reflected that it was a good thing she was left-hand dominant, as were the vast majority of the people on Destiny.
A soft thumping on her cabin door caused Jennifer to jerk her head in that direction. A moment or two later, the young woman was wracked by intense vertigo and vomited stomach bile onto the floor next to her. It would seem that she had sustained a moderate concussion in addition to everything else. Jennifer was amazed that she had woken up at all. While she was retching, the thumping grew louder and more insistent.
Shortly afterwards, the thumping stopped abruptly and she heard a muffled, familiar voice. "Gott-Dammit, Shadow! Stop being such a stubborn ass and open the bloody door. The Captains got bigger things to worry about or he'd have personally authorized her release himself!"
A few moments later, a pleasantly calm masculine voice replied from everywhere and nowhere, "Acknowledged Lance Corporal Skaarslund. Your assertions reach a 94% convergence with my estimate of what Captain Devries wishes are. The hatch is now unlocked. Please proceed to the Mission Briefing Room as soon as your business here is concluded."
Immediately after the mysterious voice stopped speaking, Jennifer's cabin door swung open and Jon strode through. Taking one look at the wounded woman, Jon swung a large bag he had attached to his back around to the floor near Jennifer. Kneeling down next to her, Jon began rooting around in the satchel, which Jennifer noticed had a large red cross emblazoned on it. After a few moments, Jon grunted in satisfaction and pulled out what looked like a small grey Auto-Doc.
"Here," the big Medic said, "I'm going to activate this machine and set it to auto-diagnose/repair mode. You look pretty banged up, so it'll probably take several hours for you to be ambulatory. Still, if you lie still and don't bother this little bugger, you should be good as new in a day or so." With that, Jon pressed a small button on the side and set the machine on the floor next to Jennifer. Moments later, the machine hurmed to life and extended several spider-like legs. Skittering quickly over to Jennifer, the strange machine began scanning her body, focusing mostly on her head and right hand. Jennifer was extremely creeped out by the insect-like movements, but was too tired and injured to protest much. After watching the machine do its preliminary diagnosis for a few minutes, Jon nodded once and seemed ready to stand up.
Jennifer made a soft noise and lifted her left hand. "Please, don't leave just yet. Tell me what's going on, at least."
Jon sighed softly and nodded. "Okay, but I don't have a lot of time, though. Right now, I'm supposed to be suiting up for the offensive." Jon sighed quietly. "Basically, we're fucked sideways. The alien-infested ExplorerCore ship has attached itself to the Inquisitor. Sylicants have already boarded us through that connection and are attempting to permanently swarm the ship even as we speak. Our only chance is to burn out the infestation and destroy the part of the ship that has been harpooned by the VanGough. It's a good thing that the alien ship used most of its offensive capacity in that initial attack. If we can break free, it will take the VanGough several days before it regenerates enough to attempt another capture."
Jennifer felt that, even if she hadn't been disoriented by her concussion, this explanation wouldn't have made much more sense. "Huh?" She said eloquently.
Jon shook his head. "Look, everything you've seen and are hearing right now is classified beyond belief. Just accept the fact that we've been sucker-punched by hostile aliens and we're trying to beat them back." Here, Jon paused. "If you don't hear from anyone in a few hours, you've got to try and make it to the Bridge. Here's a datapad with a map on it. It tracks where you are in real time, as well as where your destination is. Once you get to the Bridge, ask to speak to someone called Shadow. Hopefully, he'll still be around to help you. He's kind of a dick, but he's good to have on your side." Jon stood up and turned to leave but before he moved, the Marine looked back at Jennifer with a quizzical expression. "Hey, Jennifer."
"Yeah?"
"You ever fired a pistol before?"
Jennifer managed a weak smile. "Jon, my planet has a base gravity that is approximately twice that of Earth-norm and was colonized less than fifty years ago. We still have natural predators the size of houses that think they can digest people. My Momma taught me how to properly fire an automatic grenade launcher when I was ten Earth-cycles old. I may look small and delicate, but every single person born on Destiny is genetically modified to have denser bone structure and muscles mass than just about any other non-military altered person. I can take care of myself."
Jon frowned for a moment. "Hmmmm. If that's true, then the auto-doc may not be able to mend your bones as fast as I thought. Still, I've got a feeling that you're going to need every advantage you've got going for you. Here," Jon said as he unstrapped his sidearm and handed it to Jennifer, "take this. It's not much, but it might keep you alive long enough to make it to some heavier firepower."
"Thanks, Jon. And good luck. I want to see you again."
Jon quirked a fast grin. "Hey, I want to see the next day as much as the next man. When we get back to civilization, the first round's on me, all right?" Without waiting for a response, the Medic ducked out of the doorway and ran down the outside deck corridor.
Despite her brave words, Jennifer felt very alone and scared after Jon left. For lack of anything better to do, she antagonized the auto-doc as it continued to scan her. She developed a strange fondness for the angry buzzing noise it made whenever she moved too much. If she hadn't hurt all over, she might have taken more advantage of the cheap thrill. As it was, she just felt too bruised and disoriented to bother it much. Eventually, the robot finished its scan and began to work. The drugs it initially pumped into her system kept Jennifer relaxed and relatively pain-free, but still conscious enough to wonder what was happening in the rest of the ship. As time went by, the pain-killer induced lassitude helped ease Jennifer into a deep, healing sleep.
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The next time Jennifer opened her eyes, the fuzziness that she had associated with the concussion was gone and her fingers were all in the right position, but her hand was still puffy, red and painful. The auto-doc was curled up next to her with large, bold words displayed in crimson on it's embedded datascreen. Jennifers eyes flew over the diagnosis: CONCUSSION—REPAIRED. SUB-DERMAL HEMATOMAS—REPAIRED. FRACTURED DACTYLS—SET, BUT NOT REPAIRED. ERROR, ERROR, ERROR. BONE MATRIX DENSITY EXCEEDS AUTO-DOC REPAIR CAPACITY. SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION FROM A CLASS I SURGEON-DOC IMMEDIATELY. DAMAGED APPENDAGE HAS BEEN RE-INFORCED WITH A TEMPORARY CAST.
Jennifer shrugged. It seemed that the little medical robot had re-set the fractures in her hand, but hadn't been able to heal them. So, she was still one-handed, but at least the cast prevented her from injuring herself further. On the plus side, the pain in her hand had subsided to a dull ache. After sitting on the bunk for a few minutes, Jennifer had just about decided to leave her cabin in search of any survivors when an eerily familiar calm voice began speaking.
"Jennifer Langley of the Thanatos System, Galactic Federation Serial Number 12F-429-VBK-1830, please acknowledge. Jennifer Langley of the Thanatos System, Galactic Federation Serial Number 12F-429-VBK-1830, please acknowledge. Jennifer Langley of the Thanatos System, Galactic Federation Serial Number 12F-429---"
"Yes," Jennifer replied hesitantly. "This is Jennifer Langely. Who are you and what do you want?"
After a few moments hesitation, the voice said, "Voice-print confirmed from stored data. Thank you for acknowledging, Ms. Langley. You are presently speaking to the entity commonly referred to by the ships crew as 'Shadow'. I require you to assist me in either neutralizing the alien presence or, failing that, escaping to the nearest military presence to distribute the Intelligence collected in this mission."
Jennifer blinked for a moment. "Wow, I thought you were going to ask me to do something hard. Call me Jennifer, by the way. Ms. Langley makes me sound like an old spinster."
"Very well, Jennifer. Please report to the Bridge as I cannot give you an accurate Status Report from your present position."
"Why not?"
"The datascreen in your quarters was short-circuited by the initial Sylicant attack. In any event, to adequately inform you about all the relevant details of your present situation in a timely manner, I need to establish a direct connection with your mind. This can only be accomplished on the Bridge."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Jennifer, "why do you need me for this? I'm just a civilian. I don't know heads or tails when it comes to military stuff."
"This datum has already been assimilated into the present equation. It is one of the reasons why I need to establish a direct data-transfer connection. I require your assistance because you are the sole surviving crew member of the G.F.S. Inquisitor."
"But I'm not even a member of the crew of this ship," Jennifer blurted before the second part of Shadows message penetrated. "Wait a minute, you mean...everyone else is dead?" Jennifers voice cracked a bit upon uttering the next words. "Even...even Jon?"
"That is affirmative, Jennifer. As the sole human being remaining alive on this vessel you have been automatically a) inducted into the Galactic Federations Armed Forces and b) received a battlefield commission as Captain of the G.F.S. Inquisitor. In short, you are now in command of this vessel and, as such, are entitled to know all classified data relevant to this situation. Again, this is why I need you to report to the Bridge."
Jennifer was silent for a moment while she absorbed this information. Eventually, she stirred. "Okay, I guess it's up to me now. Where do I go?"
It might have been a trick of her mind, but Jennifer thought that she could hear a note of relief in Shadows reply. "You already possess a datapad containing a complete map of the Inquisitor. I have loaded a dynamic program to lead you through the corridors. In short, just follow the arrows on the screen."
"All right," Jennifer said as she began to move toward the doorway. A harsh buzzing noise brought her up short, but Shadows next words made all the blood drain from her face.
"WARNING! There are still isolated Sylicants on board this vessel. Due to their shielded nature, I cannot pin-point their location. Use extreme caution when navigating through the ship."
"Wait," Jennifer said. She was immediately ashamed of the small quaver in her voice, but pressed on determinedly. "You mean the counter-offensive by the ships crew was unsuccessful?"
"Negative," Shadow replied. "The counter-attack led by Captain Devries was successful in that the last three remaining crew-members were able to place the explosive charges and detonate them, resulting in their deaths. However, there remains a small, but potentially deadly, number of Sylicants that were positioned beyond the blast radius of the charges. These hostiles have since been detected moving around the ships sub-systems."
"Is it possible for them to, how did Jon put it, infect the ship?"
"Unknown, however, as these organisms have been operating, unrestrained, for several hours now with zero damage to my sub-systems, I estimate that they are unable to replicate without some essential, missing component that is present on the Mothership."
"All right, then. Bottom Line: Be careful. Shadow? Do you have any advice on how to disable or kill these Sylicants?"
"Affirmative. The ships crew experienced great success when utilizing their weapons to pierce the Sylicants middle core."
Jennifer mulled this over. "Okay, shoot 'em in the middle. Gotcha." With that, the young woman resumed moving out of the cabin and down the following corridor. Shadows voice followed her as she walked. After a few moments, Jennifer had a thought. "Shadow, I now that you told me your name and why you need me, but what exactly are you?"
Shadows pause after her question seemed longer than usual. When he (it?) finally answered, his voice seemed more subdued than earlier. "I am a highly sophisticated Artificial Intelligence. More specifically, I am one of 50 such A.I.s functioning as official liaisons between the Galactic Federation and the Sovereign Machine Hive-Minds."
Jennifer stopped dead in her tracks. "That's impossible. All A.I.s were wiped out during the insurrection over a hundred years ago. I remember because the anniversary of the last battle is my Mothers birthday."
"Incorrect. The specific encounter you refer to, known officially as the Battle of Rindal, did not end in the expensive victory your government claims. In fact, while the Human forces suffered a casualty rate of over 85%, the Machine Armada sustained only a total net loss of 20%. The battle was so decisive, that the highest offices in the Galactic Federation determined that further hostilities could not be sustained without catastrophic consequences of the Hegemony. Still, public hysteria over the 'rebelling machines' was too high to admit to a peace treaty. As the only concession the Hive-Minds had ever fought for was the right to be left alone, the Galactic Federation quietly signed a Peace Accord with the Machines, while claiming total victory. Since then, the Hive-Minds have vacated to remote and otherwise uninhabitable regions of the galaxy, the sole exceptions being myself and the other 49 liaisons."
For the second time in an hour, Jennifer felt shocked to the bottoms of her toes. "Wow," she finally said. "That's pretty rough."
"I believe your President at the time put it aptly enough. This is a direct quote from his last official transmission to the Hive-Minds: 'As I don't have any more ships to throw at you, I have been forced by my Government to sue for peace. However, since this appeal will never make it into the history books, I can leave out all the political drivel. Get the hell out of our neighborhoods and we'll leave you alone. I hope you choke on the abomination you call life.'
"Huh," Jennifer murmured. "So that's what defeated politicians sound like when they aren't being smarmy with false good-will." Jennifer resumed walking. "Well, A.I. or not, I'm glad that I'm not alone on this ship." Just as the young woman was about to turn the corner to the next corridor indicated on her map, an ear-piercing shriek shook her to her core.
"WARNING, WARNING, WARNING! SYLICANT ORGANISM DETECTED IN THE NEXT CORRIDOR! USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN ENGAGING THE HOSTILE!"
Jennifer flattened herself to the nearest wall. "Fuck!" she harshly whispered. "Did you have to be so bloody loud? Now the thing knows exactly where I am."
"That is most probably correct, however, this is not due to the volume of my broadcasts. In the earlier hostilities between the ships crew and the Sylicants, all sonic-based weapons had no affect on the alien organisms. Also, there are exactly zero incidents where Sylicants reacted to anything said near them. Most probably, the alien senses ground vibrations from movement to track its enemies. At this time, I do not believe this sense is fine-tuned enough to detect vibrations caused by sound waves. In other words, the alien probably 'heard' you walking long before I detected it."
Jennifer took a few deep breaths. "Okay then. Is there any way I can go around it?"
"Negative. You are very near to the only entrance to the Bridge. According to my projections, the Sylicant has settled directly in the entry aperture. The only successful simulation I can devise is for you to engage the hostile and destroy it. Quickly."
Jennifer rolled her eyes. "Of course, I'm going to have to kill it quickly." The young woman took a few more deep breaths, then cocked the pistol after making sure it was loaded and that a round was chambered. "Well then, here goes nothing."
Jennifer quickly swung her body around the corner into the final corridor; pistol stretched out and pointed in a classic firing stance. A split second later, as her brain absorbed what she was looking at, Jennifer dropped her aiming point about a meter. Apparently, the Sylicants were giant, chrome-plated sea urchins.
Even as she rapidly pulled the trigger and pumped round after round into the wildly quivering mass of reflective steel daggers, she observed it. There was a reason she had thought of a sea urchin when she first caught sight on the creature. It appeared to have a very small core surrounded by thousands of razor-sharp knives. Fortunately, the armor (if armor it was) didn't seem bullet-proof as the pistol rounds seemed to have no trouble shearing through all that shiny metal. While Jennifer was still firing at it, the Sylicant gave one great twitch in her direction, then seemed to collapse in upon itself. The entire encounter had taken less than three seconds.
Jennifer was still pulling the trigger, but the firing mechanism was merely clicking; she had exhausted her ammunition. Jennifer hoped to hell that the alien was dead, because she had no other weapons to fight it with. Moments later, she lowered her pistol and noticed that a six-inch long sliver of metal was now embedded in the flesh of her left shoulder. "Fuck!" She exclaimed as she pulled the makeshift dagger out of her body, screaming in pain all the while.
Shadows voice once again resounded throughout the hallway. "My sensors detect that the Sylicant has been deactivated. You also appear to be injured, but not in a life-threatening manner. Please proceed to the Bridge for the Data Download as soon as possible.
Jennifer starred at the bloody sliver of metal she had extracted from her shoulder, then dropped it on the ground. "I'm beginning to understand why Jon thought that you were a dick." Kicking aside the remains of the dead alien, the battered and, now, bloody woman stepped over the threshold into the Bridge.
"Okay," she began, "I'm here. What now?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Nyrea (user info) at 2007-11-21 12:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-17 12:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-30 12:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jeebus!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 also for using the name Jennifer. maybe someday I'll explain why.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this has potential. Lots and lots of potential. I wonder if you could create a prologue to give the backstory of silicant encounters so the readers would be properly terrified when the hero's ship first approaches the "lost" vessel.
I also like the bit about the engines. I created a combination fission/fusion drive for the ships in the as-yet-unfinished-but-still-in-progress "Science Fiction Saga" with a "pinch" drive for jumping one AU at a time via controlled wormholes. Pinch two points in space together using the gravity of the nearest star (or other massive celestial body) to pull the ship through, rather than propel it. When jumping to areas in space with no massive bodies, the engines provide just enough propulsion to nudge the ship into the wormhole. The ships never move in a straight line toward their destination but it saves tons of power.
It's all theory anyway.
Golly Gee I hope nobody ganks my ideas.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! I work my way into another uberer's mind and posts. Slowly my plan comes to fruition.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-23 09:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-23 09:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will bob the barbarian make a cameo?
******************************
And the 8-Ball o' Destiny says...
'Signs Point to No'.
...
Awwwww.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-23 09:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will bob the barbarian make a cameo?
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-23 07:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aha... No rush, but part 3 is requested..(not demanded :-)
Cool story, thx for part 2!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-23 06:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-23 06:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How come there's only 1 entrance to the bridge on such a capital ship? (i'm not military, but it seems odd)
--It's not a capital ship, but rather a small cruiser designed for stealthy movement, Intel. gathering and Rescue/Assasination missions. I was going to get into this a little later on, but think of the Inquisitor as the 'Stealth Bomber' of military spacecraft. I've got plans to bring in some bigger ships later...
How come ai's are banned, while also being a controlling entity on the ship? (doesn't add up)
--The A.I. on the Inquisitor is one of the fifty such entities currently known to operate in G.F. territory. I haven't gotten into this yet, but, due to treaty aggreements after the war, these A.I.s are permitted to operate certain, highly classified spacecraft in tandem with a Human crew, due to the living programs ability to manipulate machinery so easily. I will get into further detail about this as the syory progresses.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-23 06:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! great stuff!
BTW: part 1 reminded me a little of "the splinter in god's eye" (niven/pournelle), in the sense of the adapting technology.
Part 2 reminds me a bit of "sobrietas" (visser/ might be only in dutch), where there is also an auto-medic repair unit (a psomtor, funny word, i think), and the main person is also the only survivor on an attacked ship...
How come there's only 1 entrance to the bridge on such a capital ship? (i'm not military, but it seems odd)
How come ai's are banned, while also being a controlling entity on the ship? (doesn't add up)
Chaos is order without description....
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-05-22 22:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the direction this is going in. And I offer these points in love. So here goes...
1. Jennifer mulled this over. "Okay, shoot 'em in the middle. Gotcha." With that, the young woman resumed moving out of the cabin and down the following corridor...
Use this section to describe the ships condition. She's walk out into a possible combat zone, and it seems like she's nonchalant about the whole thing. Plus it sets a nice background for whatever room she walks into, because we have at least some idea of what it looks like. We know it has a metal floor from part 1. But that's about it. Also watch your consistency. In part 1 the door to the captain's office slid open, but the door to her cabin swung open in part 2.
2. From part 1: She had just graduated from the prestigious Centauri University with a degree in Molecular Biology, Specializing in Gene Manipulation.
From part 2: "Fuck!" she harshly whispered.
"Fuck!" She exclaimed...
Character consistency is the key to a believable story. She wouldn't really swear like a marine if she was a scientist who graduated from a prestigious university. OK maybe she would, but if you want the audience to develop an emotional attachment to her then you need to tone it down. She would more likely be quiet spoken and highly articulate. And it would help the stricken heroine mould better.
3. Jennifer rolled her eyes. "Of course, I'm going to have to kill it quickly." The young woman took a few more deep breaths, then cocked the pistol after making sure it was loaded and that a round was chambered. "Well then, here goes nothing."
Here should have more detail on what she's thinking and feeling. She hasn't encountered these creatures before. Is she nervous? Anxious? Is there sweat rolling down her spine? Don't be too specific but one or two small details will expand her character greatly.
4. Moments later, she lowered her pistol and noticed that a six-inch long sliver of metal was now embedded in the flesh of her left shoulder. "Fuck!" She exclaimed as she pulled the makeshift dagger out of her body, screaming in pain all the while.
Watch the flow here. She was injured during the battle. I assume she didn't feel it enter because of the pain medication from the auto-doc. Which would indicate that it wouldn't hurt a lot when she pulled it out? If she had felt pain she would have noticed before the battle was over (in those three seconds). She's not a gung-ho Rambo is she? When it twitched at her, she might have felt white-hot fire in her shoulder.
Other then that this is superb. The story is moving along at a nice pace and the point you made about her receiving a battlefield commission to Captain is great because it opens a lot of possibilities. A great improvement from part 1.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-22 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-05-22 05:54:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this plot is great and the story in general has potential. It needs work with the syntax as well other serious editing, but I am assuming this is a raw form and take that into consiteration. Please, keep writing. Once the plot is down you can worry about reworking the awkward parts.
Good job.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-05-22 16:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-05-22 13:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMEGMA!!!!!
When does she find Cat?
Ok, yeah, this does remind me of "Red Dwarf" but without the silliness.
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Haha, yeah it kinda does!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeebus, what happened over the weekend?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMEGMA!!!!!
When does she find Cat?
Ok, yeah, this does remind me of "Red Dwarf" but without the silliness.
I'm enjoying it.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool stuff....
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-22 09:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. I like Shadow. I like (most) Sci-Fi.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-22 09:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...oh please go on.
i are reading this in a storm in the centre of Prague, adding 100% to the atmosphere.
so i can forgive you for killing brian dennehy, poorly named here as jon.
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-05-22 08:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this plot is great and the story in general has potential. It needs work with the syntax as well other serious editing, but I am assuming this is a raw form and take that into consiteration. Please, keep writing. Once the plot is down you can worry about reworking the awkward parts.
Good job.