MURDER FIGHT: Part 1 (427 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.71 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awj002 (View user info) at 2007-05-22 17:18:12 EDT
Mr. Hawkins felt the onset of a low blood sugar. His arms were heavy, his legs weak. Outside, the far-away rumble of mortar fire put everyone on edge. The children chewed their pencils. Reggie Cleveland absently flipped his lighter. Tommy opened his ancient history textbook to page 128. The spine split in half. The lunch bell rang.
Alone, Hawkins popped four glucose tablets and sank into his chair. Now all he could do was wait. It was relieving to know that he had done everything he could in his own defense, had exhausted all possibilities. He checked his watch and grinned. In forty-seven minutes the bell would bring his children back. There was so much left to teach them.
Meanwhile, the lunch line was quiet. Ricky filed slowly through, presenting his tray for a gawky spoonful of green beans, asking for a second slice of pizza. He stacked them so they looked like one. Would he get turned in? Would this kid with the pocket chains say something? Was that a knife at his waist? Ricky didn't know. New at this school. Don't look at his waist. Chains was making a green bean and mashed potato mush. He had a dirty face with a cracked mouth. Ricky wished someone would say something, the scraping of spatulas and deep boil of water unnerved him. Seemed like everyone was shaken by the death of Jeremy Winfield in second period. Or Allison Reynolds, third. Did they mourn for Jeremy or for Allison? The lunch lady stood while Ricky entered his student ID number into the punchpad, not mentioning the additional pizza slice. She stared at him with an unspecified hatred. She had a large, thick baking pan leaned against the wall behind her. Chains didn't say anything. Nobody said anything.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-25 18:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O RLY?
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-23 07:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't eve bother reading this. I'm just being trendy.
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2007-05-22 23:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hope y'all give some benefit of the doubt, and keep following the story. Criticisms like those by Falafel will definitely be addressed.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-05-22 23:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This morning, I woke up and stayed in my bed, repetedly hitting snooze for 20 min, then I got up and pissed. THEN I had breakfast and went to work. The girl with the vague description for appearance gave me a weird vibe. The lunch lady stared at her, blankly, just like everyone else. I guess everyone was really on edge about that person who got murdered this morning, yet we're all inexplicably still at school right now. -Fin-
I like to give constructive criticism if I can but that's what this was like for me. Holy DAMMIT, man!
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-05-22 22:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Like looking at a multiple broken mirrors
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-05-22 21:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude forreal...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-22 20:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Murder fight"?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-22 20:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was a difficult read and too short so it didn't make any sense. I wasn't interested enough yet to desire more.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Um
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This train (read: This story) left the station (read: captured the interest of) without (read: not a single) me (read: reader).
Perhaps you'll do better (read: something more than shite) in the next installment.
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? Im confused.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-22 17:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment