The History of The Goat : Part One (549 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James Is Coming To Rob Your house (View user info) at 2007-05-23 12:44:13 EDT
A goat is an animal that lives in the mountains, eats chilli and collects road signs.
It is also the creature most directly responsible for the creation of the universe and consequently goatee beards and is hence fore more powerful than both Allah and David Hasselhoff. The Goat is also the only being in the universe with the power and wit to overthrow God.
In the beginning there was God and The Goat. Nobody knew which one came first and nobody seemed to care. Nobody spoke for a while and this suited The Goat fine - he didn't need anybody - ANYBODY - to create a universe and thus invent mothers, wives and girlfriends who always ruin comfortable silences with their inane babble and moralising.
But ever since God opened his big fat yap and said "Let's there be light!" the goat has been pretty hacked off. The Goat was about to speak first and suggest they just go down the pub and sink a few sea breezes and maybe a long island ice tea. The fact that cocktails and public houses did not exist was irrelevant - The Goat was all powerful and could do whatever the hell it wanted. Except there was God - the world's first wet blanket, who promptly ruined an eternity of binge-drinking and strip poker by creating existence and thus setting in motion a calamitous sequence of events that would result in the crusades, two world wars, a nuclear stand-off and queuing outside nightclubs in the pouring rain.
God takes credit for creating the universe but in fact it is The Goat is responsible for what most sane and amoral people hold dear because it has been cleaning up after His shit ever since He planted the first tree in the Garden of Eden (which by the way, The Goat wanted to call 'Hooters').
After God threw a hissy fit and threw Adam and Eve out of Eden it was The Goat who had to smooth things over by consoling Him by stroking his hair and making him cups of really strong tea. When The Goat suggested that God forgive Adam and Eve and let them back in God was enraged and he made Adam and Eve mortal and banned people from smoking in church. But if this staggering over-reaction wasn't enough (remember it was all over an apple) it was nothing compared to what God did to The Goat's heterosexual life-partner, The Serpent, who was made to crawl on his belly and eat flies and spiders for the rest of his life without the use of opposable thumbs or a knife and fork. The Goat was pissed because now he had nobody to play Snakes and Ladders with and quite frankly that's all there was to stave off the boredom in the Garden of Eden, where there were no liquor stores, no drug dealers and worst of all, no road signs.
So The Goat plotted. And waited.
Until the time was right to strike back at God...
Next: The Fall
User Reviews
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2007-05-25 06:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-23 19:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.dellfargus.com/Adam_Sandler_-_The_Talking_Goat.mp3
Now, write a Dano story for us.
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For "us"? Don't you mean "for me"?
Am I just a clown to you people? ;-)
Submitted by mitchmarron (user info) at 2007-05-24 10:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY underrated post.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-24 03:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 goat post!!!
WOOOO GOATS!
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-05-23 23:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh... I chuckled.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-23 19:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.dellfargus.com/Adam_Sandler_-_The_Talking_Goat.mp3
Now, write a Dano story for us.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-23 16:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of goats
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-05-23 15:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I once watched as a goat that had been tied in the middle of a field drank its own piss straight from the source. There was a stearm near by but the goat was chained to a stake in the midle of the field and was unable to reach it.
Looking back I wish I had gone and filled its water bowl from the stream but I didnt....we were playing on bikes.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-23 14:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Goats eat shit.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-23 14:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's only so much 'random' you can write before your words become an unwitting testament to what lies in your soul. You have, I think, surpassed that amount.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-05-23 13:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The first one was funny. Now you're beating a dead horse.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-23 13:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I admit it. You're funny.
Now fuck off and die...
;P
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-05-23 13:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto goat +2.
In honor of my grandma's huge balled goat.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of goats
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-23 12:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was told there'd be no "history" on today's exam...