Dog Walking... Is NOT for Bitches (1218 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.62 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2007-05-23 17:35:40 EDT
I am not a dog person. Flea-ridden, drooling mongrels are not my forte. I can appreciate the odd puppy - but, secure in the knowledge that it will grow up to be a mindlessly obedient leg rest, I can pass by the pet store without stopping, 'cooing' and tapping the window until some squinty-eyed wrinkled thing bumps its head against the glass... four or five times in a desperate attempt to escape its brethren that are franticly engaged in what appears to be a canine homage to the Donner party
Just call me a cat person.
Either way, this fine day in early summer found me meeting my friend on the corner of 9th and 58th to return a favor. He had scored me decent tickets to the last game of the Yankees-Red Sox series and after watching Manny (whose hair has now become a living organism that is sporadically shedding its own skin & possibly giving him the ability to run) hit that fateful 3-run homer, I was looking forward to adding my voice to the Bronx faithful on behalf of my beleaguered team.
I should point out at this point, that Jeff had not mentioned to me what this favor was.
I got to the corner first. I'm fairly punctual, and my head was stuck in Palahniuk's new book - so I didn't notice the dervish of destruction heading my way until I was almost bowled over by a large golden retriever.
Its fur glistening in the sun, droplets of saliva dripping from its mouth, it panted stupidly at me. At least it was on a leash.
One of what looked like several hundred that were attached to the waist of some idio-
"Hey Mike!" You know that chipper, I-know-you-are-going-to-be-pissed-at-me voice? That's what sound emerged from me friend's throat as beads of sweat slid down his temples.
"Fuck you." I am nothing if not blunt.
"Haaaa," the sound was somewhat muffled by the various sounds of the six dogs attached to his waist.
"Fuuuuuck you." There was definitely desperation in my voice now.
"Sorry man," he replied as he began to unbuckle his harness, "You remember that cute girl I was telling you about?"
"The middle-age one with the tattoo of a sailor on her chest?"
"The one who works at Starbucks." The girl he had been obsessed with for almost six months now, since he began his dog walking job.
"I fucking hate you, you know that?"
He nodded as he wrapped some weird combination of a weight-belt punctuated with D-rings around my stomach. Sliding some straps over my shoulders he stepped back - free and unencumbered.
"You look like a natural!"
"I feel like a reject from 8mm."
"Hey, bestiality, bondage... turn it into a snuff film and you've got a point."
"Ha." I was still not amused as my friend smiled, whispered something I couldn't make out and stepped into Starbucks. I don't know whether the hair on my arms was standing up do to the shot of air-conditioning that leaked out or the fact I now had six dogs attached to my waist.
I looked down and they looked back up. The aforementioned golden, some little dog that looked like it had run face first into a wall, a husky, a lab and two other things that I'll just guess were mutts.
As the door banged shut behind my cruel hoax of a friend, the dogs started dragging me across the street; apparently none of them were Seeing Eye dogs as the flat-faced beast came within a foot of being run over by a speeding taxi.
I think it was at that moment, with that small dog's yelp of outrage as I jerked it out of harms way, it was at that moment they decided to turn on me.
The light clicked green, the street quieted, and I entered my own personal soled Iditarod.
Caught unaware, and trying to catch my friend's eye through the window with a desperate face, I was jerked sideways and across the street. Tripping over myself and a variety of leashes I managed, with nimbleness unbeknownst to me, to maintain my feet. Looking I'm sure like a cross between a paraplegic and a penguin I half-waddled/stumbled to the opposite curb, to the sidewalk, to the smorgasbord of junk a person had spread across a blanket with a sign indicating it was "for sale."
It was there the husky decided it needed to pee.
As the water ran down the wall, wetting the blanket which was quickly absorbed the urine I felt a strong hand land upon my shoulder. I spun to find an unhappy, smelly man.
I shrugged apologetically.
$30 later I moved further down the block, propelled by the six four-legged mammals before me.
I don't understand who designed this dog harness, but they deserve to be scrapped along the road for a good ten blocks or so. My hands grabbing with futility at the variety of leashes at my stomach I would succeeded in bringing one dog to heel just to let another shoot forward with all the delightful whiplash that entailed.
After half-a-dozen mini car accidents I had succeeded!
I had six leashes in hand and was walking on my on volition! I was proud! Strong. I was man. I had come and conquered. Enslaving these beasts of burden under my forceful, but fair, hand. The sun broke through the clouds, and I basked in the glorious moment.
Hallelujah!
Then a woman emerged from the front of an apartment, leash in hand. At the other end of that neon pink trestle was a small white mop of a dog, snug in its little pink sweater.
As one the heads of my motley crew jerked into the air, and there was a collective inhalation.
What happened next probably scarred the little girl across the street for the rest of her life.
Before I knew what happened I'm on the ground, underneath an undulating, gyrating pile of canine flesh. I shut my eyes to block out the stubs of dog penises that seem to be everywhere at once, thrusting.
Thrusting.
Faintly I hear screaming, but my hands were over my ears in an effort to block off my senses for what I can only imagine is occurring on top of me.
Slowly it subsides, and I hesitantly crack on eye - only to find a golden retriever, tongue hanging to the left, staring back at me. There is a lot of panting and I push myself up with one hand, the woman and her mop are gone... vanished into thin air.
But there are faces all around me, disgust apparent on each and everyone. Some small part of me hears the little girl crying. My shirt is wet and I only hope to god it is my own tears or some dog's slobber.
Dejected, humiliated, my face burning red (a mixture of sidewalk and shame) I walk the four blocks back to Starbucks only to run into my friend emerging with his long coveted date.
He stares at me for only a second before trying to walk past as if he doesn't know me, but his plan is thwarted by his 'date,' who has the generosity to inquire if I am alright.
I look at her, at him, and I slowly start shake my head, no.
NO. I want to scream, I was just used as a canine sex toy! I was at the bottom of a canine sex orgy and possibly the dumping ground of their merriment. Am I OKAY?! AM I OKAY?! I am USED. I am dirty! I need a shower, a lake, and ocean. I need to be purified, sanctified, and consecrated!
But I just shake my head, and take a moment to look at my friend's pleading eyes. I imagine those two Yankees tickets in my back pocket and I manage to take a deep breath.
I wipe something slimy off my cheek, and I smile weakly I answer, "I'm fine."
Turning down the block the dogs follow me perfectly, obediently... and all of us head off... spent.
User Reviews
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-06 15:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for canine homage to the Donner party
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-06 15:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-21 02:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2007-11-21 00:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-23 19:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You sound like a pain in the ass.
He knows what ass pain is all about.
---
indeed...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111642
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2007-11-21 00:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-23 19:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You sound like a pain in the ass.
He knows what ass pain is all about.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-24 08:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed my ass off. Good to see ya back.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-24 08:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to write 'dogs rule [somethings] drool' in here, but I could think of nothing that drools more than a dog
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-24 04:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMURFS!!!!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Further proof that there is no excuse for the existence of dogs.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My POS little dog once tried to hump on my rottweiler. Just once.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-23 19:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You sound like a pain in the ass.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um. yuck.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
Submitted by Cricketer (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I said yeah yeah. Go Queensland.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh, my ratings don't count at all.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2007-05-23 18:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read it.
Same character as every other book. He kinda lost me in the end though - like he couldn't figure out how to finish it. Still a thumbs up though.
Damn you people and your reposts with +0
I see bart still hasn't made only the first rating of a person in a post count.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you are reading Rant ?
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, only 110k?
Not bad for almost a 2 year hiatus!
Good to see you're still around though darko.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
look how far away you are from the MVA :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SMURFS!!!!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-05-23 17:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed all the way