Black Widow - Flash(esque), Ghola(esque) Fiction (651 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mockidol (View user info) at 2007-05-27 00:26:45 EDT
When I'm bored I look for odd ball things to take out to the bar, something unexpected to give my friends.
Today I look two sea shells from work and right now I'm coloring one red with a sharpie. My hands are covered in bright red lines.
My shoulder has red lines too but they're from a knife. Not evidence of a trinket for a friend.
In my buddies car I pick a superball out of his cup holder. It's sticky from Gatorade I spilled in a drunken mishap.
"You still have this superball?"
Taking it from my hand he says, "Yeah, you gave it to me like a year ago when we went to the bar."
When we get to the bar I give him the white shell and he laughs.
I hand him a beer and declare, "Tis I, legendary drunk, Peter O'Toole!"
The blonde girl I had sex with last week looks confused but laughs when I do. Appreciating her attempt to please I reach in my pocket and hand her the red shell.
"What's this? I mean... what for?"
"Why not?" I reply and put my drink to my face to keep my mouth from saying more.
She looks confused a few minutes later when I tell her that black widow venom will give an infected person a massive boner. She tells me that I don't need the help and I accept it: her little bar gift to me.
We all sit around drinking for a while and the beers turn into shots. I'm mumbling something about phone calls and Blonds says something about the fag who's been calling me every night.
"It's okay pat. You can admit you were curious."
I take my shot and she switches over to mentioning my ex.
Reaching across the table I grab the red shell I gave her and put it back in my pocket.
"Indian giver." she says as I walk out the door, dropping an empty Dixie Cup shot glass in the trash as I go.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-05-28 15:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2007-05-28 02:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're better than ghola
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-28 00:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-27 21:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Peter O'Toole about sums up this post.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-27 21:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The store next to where I sell t-shirts sells hermit crabs and they eat out of sea shells. eating of the pretty calcium carbonate want-to-be dishes helps supplement their diet with extra calcium.
The fag is a guy named "Antonio" I meet through some friends and I exchanged phone numbers with him so I could look into a tech job. I found out later he was also a coke addict/ dealer/ homosexual and he spent a month calling me almoost three times every night. He finally listened to my threats and stopped.
Yes, there is interesting stories behing all of this. I'm just lazy and I was drunk when I wrote this, have been a lot lately so I just didn't give a shit about making it all that compelling. Just hoped to get out a few interesting sentences.
I liked this one:
Why not?" I reply and put my drink to my face to keep my mouth from saying more.
It starts off a bit clunky but I like the way implies more then tells.
Anyway, where did I leave that damn pair of headphones?...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-27 21:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is not much of a story here, and not nearly enough information to make a compelling character study.
There were elements that might have engaged if they had been developed.
For example, when you say you took a shell from work, that makes me, as the reader, curious about your place of employment, which could have been relayed in a single sentence and possibly made your central character more interesting.
And what about the 'fag' who has been calling him? What's that about? Another sentence might have been helpful there.
If this is from your life (I think you commented on a previous post that you often wrote about real experiences) then that might be the problem.
I live in LA, and almost everybody I meet thinks their life, their job, their whatever would make a great sitcom, film, etc. But most people's everyday lives are not that interesting.
This was not that interesting.
But it probably could have been.
Flash fiction is difficult to write well and needs to be more carefully crafted than longer pieces precisely because the elements of story are still required.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-05-27 20:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-27 14:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Matin Morte? That is my old alter... Who has it now? wtf...
Submitted by Matin_Morte (user info) at 2007-05-27 14:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-05-27 04:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-27 00:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, the way she writes mirrors what I normally write/ read. Hence the fact I like her shit so much.
Or something like that.
Too much rum...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-27 00:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is gholaesque in a way, though.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-05-27 00:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not that I''m trying to write like ghola, eveeryone just says that when I write short or say "Flash Fiction"