I fucking hate mosquitoes... (329 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.18 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Buttplug (View user info) at 2007-05-30 08:23:47 EDT
Who invented them anyway? I would like to know exactly what illegal psychotropic substance nature was abusing when she poured out this mind dump...
*puff* *puff* Hey maaan, let's make these really tiny little insects that like fly around making this really annoying sound, you know like when Father Time farted while having that straw up his ass...yeah man, that'll be sweet! And they'll sting and leave really itchy bumps on your skin, man that'll be so cool, hey give me another toke, shit...
Now mosquito hunting is one of the most tedious things in the world (yes, it's my fault i dont have any of those mosquito tablets that you heat up, but no one should of made mosquitoes in the first place. I mean, for the sake of cheese, even spelling the word m-o-s-q-u-i-t-o is annoying!!!)
Here are the steps of hunting for those of you in my situation:
1. Get into bed, get warm and comfy
2. Fall half halfway into the sweet bliss of a good night's slumber
BUZZZZ!!!!
3. FUCK! quickly stumble over everything on your night stand, trying to reach the lamp to turn it on
4. Go blind for just enough time for the fucker to hide
5. Get up real quick, start looking around
6. Now at this point, you miserable idiot, the blood should have rushed from your head because you got up too fast
7. Oooooh, psychedelic sparkles
8. Vision ok? good, start looking
9. HA! There he is! on the wall/ceiling/some inaccessible place
Now this is where the decisive move is made. Grab your pillow. You look like an idiot, in your jams, with your fluffy weapon in your hand, but fuck that, you're on a mission. Carefully aproach your arthropod victim (some mosquitoes are smart as hell, they'll fly away as soon as you get near). These are two outcomes here:
1. You nab him. Good job, you can either rip his wings off if he's still alive, or you can just go to bed already..
2. You either miss, or he flies away before you hit, in which case, you have to start over from step 1. Loser...
I hope this either halps, or makes me a complete dolt. Or both. aah fuck you, what do you know...
by the way, hello Uber, first post...be gentle, use lube...
User Reviews
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-05-31 07:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice - for a 1st post.
Mozzies hate fire. Light a lighter (with buggy, winged target in sight) and spray a fucking deodorant can into the bug via the flame. That'll get the fucker. Or at least immobilize it.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-05-30 21:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok -1 because this wasn't that great.
But +1 because you made me picture father time farting with a straw up his arse.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-30 09:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're really scared of mosquitos. Do you live somewhere where they carry horrible diseases?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-30 09:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-30 09:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I did this much better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72369
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-30 09:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I did this much better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72369
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*Should have
Submitted by Geophillyx (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
noisy as hell. more -2 and cowbell please
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who invented them anyway...........
I stopped reading then.
I wish there was a -4 option.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
mosquitoes are noisy?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, no, not so much, no.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just wish you would kill yourself so that some unexpecting person doesn't have to say they committed murder... *SIGH*
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-30 08:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I pity you.