Fuck not with my Muffin Happiness (830 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Somebody Strange (View user info) at 2007-05-30 21:01:34 EDT
I do truly love muffins: their taste, texture, - the immediate satisfaction of dissolving food in my mouth which only carbohydrates can bring. Every day following drudgery of a register shift, I'd purchase one glorious muffin from our local bakery. If I worked over eight hours, I'd buy two.
Two muffins isn't a course to be taken by the average muffin enthusiast though, you'd risk appreciating the second less. A true connoisseur of muffin-kind knows exactly which juice necessary to cleanse the pallet following the first. If one does not, the second muffin may as well be some store-brand potato chip - senseless, meaningless, and worthless. Store-brand potato chips are as empty of merit as politicians are of soul. This is a lesson which cannot be taught, though for myself I find apple-juice to be most effective as insulation between a cinnamon-chip and blueberry muffin. Reverse the order and grape functions better. Muffinology is not an exact science, yet some constants exist.
The perfect muffin: large and full, baked goodness spilling over the edge of its wrapper as the bountiful cornucopia of our bakeries. Crown of a muffin must be firm, yet not quite crunchy - pleasantly browned, yet not burnt. The core is to be soft: baked to perfection with texture as a cake might have - yet beware those who allow too much moisture within. A saturated muffin is far worse than over-cooked: squishy abomination created by a careless oven-monkey with no respect or regard for such horrors as he has inflicted upon us all.
I do not to disparage muffins one can produce from a mix: some of these are quite delightful. Saving some money yet still getting ones fill of muffin is something I can respect, though these mixes can never compare with a true, full, and voluptuous bakery-style muffin. Buy yourself one of these beauties every now and again, far more satisfaction may be derived from one superb muffin than a coffee - or soft drink - bought on the run. Do yourself a favor and indulge in the pinnacle of baked-goods once in awhile.
Muffins of all kinds titillate our taste-buds and delight our Krebs cycles, yet I warn you of this one abomination to us all. It be not apple cinnamon, blueberry, cinnamon chip, chocolate chip, poppy seed, lemon, lemon-poppy seed, carrot, raspberry, rhubarb (I profess as this is quite delectable, if one takes the time to develop taste for it), or many more perfectly wonderful variations of which I have not the time to list, or may not even have tasted. No, my friends - the muffin I warn you against is the nefarious chocolate - chocolate chip.
Not only does this muffin defy everything Muffinesque by being chocolate (such flavors normally reserved for cupcakes, and other such ghastly contrivances), it pours CHIPS of chocolate into an already fetid morass. These are the signs of our times, when such a beast is allowed to roam freely within bakeries, even grocery stores. After leaving a late shift, this beast is all that would adorn the muffin shelves of our bakery on many days - other muffin enthusiasts and connoisseurs alike choosing (and rightly so) ANY other before such a horrendous simulacrum of muffin.
In that form of muffin, I find no redeeming value - beyond small comfort provided by thought of any option being preferable to such a thing as chocolate chocolate-chip. Due to repeated unavailability of any other kind, I eventually had no alternative but to patronize another bakery. The bakery I now frequent does not even bake chocolate chocolate-chip muffins, as no true baker would. It's a feel-good trip for the whole family to shop at bakeries which possess real moral fiber.
The unclean ones have since closed their doors for good, and so I find some pride in my cohabitants of this town. Money talks it is said - and we have stood up and spoke clearly: "Fuck not with our muffin happiness."
User Reviews
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-27 13:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed this gem. Rock on.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-26 18:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, I'm willing to say I fully approve of you and your varied writing styles
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-01 19:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-31 00:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
muffin happiness, indeed.
fuck not.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-06-01 18:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-06-01 13:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Divide Brewing Co and Avery Brewing Co are two excellent breweries out of Denver.
Great Divide's best beers are the Old Ruffian Barleywine, Oak Aged Yeti Russian Imperial Stout, and Hercules Double IPA
Avery's best are the Maharaja Double IPA and the Czar Russian Imperial Stout
If you can find any, the beers by Stone, Rogue, Dogfish Head, Deschutes, Hair of the Dog, North Coast, Lagunitas (to name a few breweries with good distribution) are very good
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That's some beer knowledge Right There!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-06-01 18:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really care about muffins, but I LOVE that there's somebody out there whoe does to this degree.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-06-01 15:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmm dogfish head
also, yeungling is pretty good
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-06-01 13:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Divide Brewing Co and Avery Brewing Co are two excellent breweries out of Denver.
Great Divide's best beers are the Old Ruffian Barleywine, Oak Aged Yeti Russian Imperial Stout, and Hercules Double IPA
Avery's best are the Maharaja Double IPA and the Czar Russian Imperial Stout
If you can find any, the beers by Stone, Rogue, Dogfish Head, Deschutes, Hair of the Dog, North Coast, Lagunitas (to name a few breweries with good distribution) are very good
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-01 04:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-06-01 03:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
popular american macro lager bullshit is the godawful watery swill you're thinking of. however the american craft beer movement that started around 20 years ago has resulted in dozens of amazing, full-bodied, awesome beers. if you don't live in the US you don't really hear about anything other than Budweiser, Miller's, and Coor's. but I urge you not to judge american beer by the mass-produced crap but rather by the smaller breweries that are interested in making good beer, not just good profit. I don't judge the UK's best by the popular mediocre stuff like Guinness and Murphy's, but rather by the good stuff like Samuel Smith, JW Lee's, and Fuller's. it's the same kind of phenomenon that has occurred with wine, californians have taken an idea originally developed by the french and refined it to a point where a lot of people prefer the californian versions.
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then i raise my glass to you. i live in the Czech Republic where more beer is drunk per capita then anywhere else on the planet. it's considered good form to have one with lunch. when i go to the UK, they have lots of good brews and gawdawful ones. its a bit of a game finding what's palatable when trying unknowns. but it kills me when some dumbass is sucking on an AB brand lager when anything the UK has to offer is better than what he's got. but i digress. please give me some names so that the next time im in the US, i know what to look for. i'll be in denver the end of this year, i hope. thanx, man.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-06-01 03:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
popular american macro lager bullshit is the godawful watery swill you're thinking of. however the american craft beer movement that started around 20 years ago has resulted in dozens of amazing, full-bodied, awesome beers. if you don't live in the US you don't really hear about anything other than Budweiser, Miller's, and Coor's. but I urge you not to judge american beer by the mass-produced crap but rather by the smaller breweries that are interested in making good beer, not just good profit. I don't judge the UK's best by the popular mediocre stuff like Guinness and Murphy's, but rather by the good stuff like Samuel Smith, JW Lee's, and Fuller's. it's the same kind of phenomenon that has occurred with wine, californians have taken an idea originally developed by the french and refined it to a point where a lot of people prefer the californian versions.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-01 02:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
american beer sites i believe.
the polish do not make beer, they make vodka.
therefore, anyone who includes polish beer in thier top 100 to me is suspect.
these beers are not mass produced and are select premium beers which are hard to get.
they are not produced for the masses except those in belgium and a few other european countries.
ive never had an american beer which has tasted anything more than watered down swamp water. but i have not drank all brands of american beers, so i guess my opinion is worthless...
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-05-31 17:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-31 09:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
chocolate is healthy too if not utilised in great quantities.
just like beer.
that is except american beer, cos that ain't beer.
it's horse piss, but i digress
breakdown of beeradvocate.com's top 100 beers in the world by country:
68 american
20 belgian
4 german
3 canadian
3 UK
1 finnish
1 polish
http://beeradvocate.com/top_beers
breakdown of ratebeer.com's top 100 beers in the world by country:
63 american
17 belgian
11 danish
a few miscellaneous shit countries
0 UK
http://www.ratebeer.com/RateBeerBest/table.asp?title=THE+BEST+BEERS+IN+THE+WORLD+OVERALL&file=overall_beer_2007.csv
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-31 13:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, I do like muff.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-31 13:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like muffins.
blueberry is favorite.
apple cinnamon crumb is favorite, too.
they're both favorite.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Muffins. I love a nice bit of muff but only as an occasional treat.
Submitted by Zerachi (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-31 10:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just having some harmless fun with you, Z. No need to be all upset about it. Calm down.
No mullet (ponytail, though), no high school grunge band (more punk, since grunge was 20 years away when I was in HS), I might still be hardcore (probably not, but I'm definitely softsided), and I don't take anyone's Uberpersona seriously (least of all my own). Go -2 one of my posts if it'll make you feel better.
============
No upset has been caused, believe you me.
Retaliatory rating would be a waste of time (more-so than it's wasted already, I mean.)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-31 10:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just having some harmless fun with you, Z. No need to be all upset about it. Calm down.
No mullet (ponytail, though), no high school grunge band (more punk, since grunge was 20 years away when I was in HS), I might still be hardcore (probably not, but I'm definitely softsided), and I don't take anyone's Uberpersona seriously (least of all my own). Go -2 one of my posts if it'll make you feel better.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-31 09:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
chocolate is healthy too if not utilised in great quantities.
just like beer.
that is except american beer, cos that ain't beer.
it's horse piss, but i digress
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-31 04:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good title, rolls straight off the tongue.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-05-31 02:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fun with muffins
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-31 00:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
muffin happiness, indeed.
fuck not.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-05-31 00:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even consider the chocolate-chocolate chip muffin a muffin (it's some sort of awful cupcake thing) and so it does not really concern me. however the regular chocolate chip muffin is nothing less than an atrocity, a flagrant violation of the boundary between healthy fruit-based flavors and cloying saccharine crap subtly imposed on innocuous-looking golden cakiness. there's nothing worse in this world than biting into a chocolate chip muffin when you thought it was blueberry or something
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-05-30 22:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's with the hate on cup cakes? A cup cake would beat the shit out of a muffin if they were to hold a gladiator type fight between themselves. I admit that the cup cake would probably use dirty tactics though, that's just the way they roll.
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2007-05-30 22:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the first time i've ever read anything that detailed on muffins...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-30 22:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love the title.
Five chords? Posh.
Submitted by Zerachi (user info) at 2007-05-30 21:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-30 21:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're not strange.
You're just a girl.
It's OK, you know.
Really.
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Yes, it is my mother's greatest shame that I couldn't have hardkore name like "skrapmetal".
I could have been in a high-school grunge band too, you know.
Except that I didn't have the mullet, or a bad-ass alias such as yourself.
Can you totally play, like, FIVE chords, man?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-30 21:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're not strange.
You're just a girl.
It's OK, you know.
Really.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-30 21:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
muffins? k.....