Tourette's Post Saturday/Pig's in Zen (1481 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2007-06-02 06:10:14 EDT
April might be the cruelest month, but this May sucked balls. Sucked 'em hard. Bad four weeks.
Just a rant, here. Hold with me.
What I would say to family and friends if I were a flaming asshole and there were no social mores and I did not fear retribution and had balls of my own to fondle and worship.
I'm going to Hell.
To my daughter: Jesus Christ. You're fuckin' six years old. How 'bout you wipe your own damned ass? Fuckin' hell. I'm pretty sure I was wiping my ass by the age of three. Of course, I didn't have your mother's genes in me. Therefore, I'm sorry...for you.
To my wife: Hey woman, I didn't marry your lazy, lame ass just so I could have another person to cook for. So how 'bout the occasional blowjob? You know...like before. God. Damn. It.
To Mary, a chick at work: You know, I really want to fuck the shit out of you.
To Mom: You know I love you and all, but please, just shut the fuck up already.
To Dad: You know I love you and all, but hey...remember that time when you left the family and never came back? I was 12 and little brother was 10. Yeah...that was fucked up, dickhead. No, I still don't have my PhD, but guess what...I still haven't left my kid without a daddy either. Fuckin' selfish prick. It takes me two hours to swap out an alternator because of your leaving us. Ass.
To my oldest brother: You know I love you and all, but I'm watching you. Actually I'm monitoring you. When you get fucking cancer, I'm gonna finally fucking quit fucking cigarettes. Republican asshole.
To Dawn, a chick at work: You know, I really want to fuck the shit out of you.
To my second-oldest brother: You know I love you and all, but hey genius, if you ever dare to bring your girlfriend of yours back to the States, I want you to know that there's a good chance that I'm going to fuck the shit out of her. Just thought you should know. She's pretty sweet. Swedish, right? Like Britt Eckland. Yummy. Fucker.
To my sister: (I have nothing bad to say to my sister. She's perfect. She introduced me to The Beatles when I was five or so. And she recently sent me "Othello" starring Orson Welles. Fuck the reader. I love my sister.)
To Monica, a chick at work: You know, I really want to fuck the shit out of you.
To my little brother: You know I love you and all, but hey numbnuts, you don't make any money. Ever hear of a fuckin' condom? You can barely feed the kids you have, fool. Just stop already. Numb-fucking-nuts.
To my friend Mark: Fuck you, Bush-loving asshole! Chickenshit piece of dirt. Nice going with the white-flight and all. Fuckin' pussy yuppie-wannabe. "Oooooooo...I'm so scared of black people. Hell, I'm not sending my kids to that school. Too many black people." Grow some fucking balls you pansy. What a piece of shit. Yeah...piece of spineless shit.
To my friend Dave: Airline security. Sweet. Well, you did get your fucking degree in fucking Philosophy. What did you fucking expect, Einstein? Jesus Christ, what a loser. Enjoy the Ramen. And have a few more drinks while you're at it.
To Ellie, a chick at work: You know, I really want to fuck the shit out of you.
To my undergraduate advisor/professor/drinking buddy: Holy fucking hell! I heard about your recent student completely ripping off my work. I actually read the product. What the fuck, buddy? If somebody's going to fucking plagiarize my considerable efforts under your guidance, please make sure they produce something readable, meaningful, and not so willfully plagiaristic. Or at least make sure she blows you...or me. Jesus. You're losing you're steam, Daltry. Way to go, cock.
To my afraid-to-admit-he's-gay cousin: Hey. We know you're gay. Give it up already. You joined a quilting circle for God's sake. Just come out. We really don't care. But this ruse is unseemly. And your wife's a bitch anyway. Fuck her. Besides that, I'm going to kick the shit out of you for completely unrelated reasons. You know it's coming.
To my ex-wife: Fuck you. That is all.
To the engineer who recently tried to fuck me over: Haha! I win. You lose. Ninety bucks says you lose the contract. Fifty bucks says you get fined. Ten bucks says you lose your job. Five bucks says you do some jail time. Fucking dick. And I mean it. You're a fucking dick and you lost. Fuckin' loser. You'll be lucky if I don't flatten your tires.
To Darla, a chick at work: Fuck you, you vain, vapid cunt. I wouldn't fuck you with my gay cousin's dick.
Inspiration (I don't know why...something to do with alcohol):
pig's in the mud
when he tires
pig's in zen
pig's in zen
pig is nude
unashamed
pig's in zen
pig's in zen
talkin' bout the pig
the pig
the pig - uh
pa-pa-pa-pa-pig
goddamn pig!
pig mounts sow
when he's wound
pig's in zen
pig's in zen
pig eats shit
but only when he hungers
pig's in zen
pig's in zen
talkin' bout the pig
the pig
the pig - uh
pa-pa-pa-pa-pig
goddamn pig
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-18 04:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-06-18 03:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay, what's with the backslashes?
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-06-17 02:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-13 15:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
upcoming will be a rare occasion when i actually root for the arizona diamondbacks.
LET'S GO D'BACKS!!!!!!
actually i hope the stadium collapses.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-08 01:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought your use of vapid was extraordinary.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-04 22:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I take it back. And I won't use "vapid" again as long as you don't use "sullied" again.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2007-06-04 21:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Auto Jane's +2
That being said, I consider Perry as a prophet second only to Jesus Christ His very own self and this post has sullied Perry's words.
Take it back.
Undo what you have done.
And after that, take a solemn vow to never, ever, ever use the word "vapid" again. It is one of the most time-tested and reliable tells of someone trying to sound more intelligent than they actually are in all of the English language.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-04 21:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-06-04 12:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this cinched it.
To Darla, a chick at work: Fuck you, you vain, vapid cunt. I wouldn't fuck you with my gay cousin's dick.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-06-04 10:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-04 10:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot diggity I want to work where you do.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-04 10:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 18:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, I would like to keep FG and LM on the side. You can keep O-tron, if you feels it's necessary.
---
Please. I'm part of a package deal, tendernipples.
If Lishy's coming, I'm coming too.
In the sexy style.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-02 08:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH SO ROSES ARE RED I MADE UP THE REST
IF YOU'VE GOT SOME BIG FUCKIN' SECRET
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SING ME SOMETHIN'?
-------------------
...leave a message, i'll call you back.
leave it by the bed.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops
raise that stake to +2 for the jane tune.
(rated before reading the whole, long, thing)
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
To Dad: You know I love you and all, but hey...remember that time when you left the family and never came back? I was 12 and little brother was 10. Yeah...that was fucked up, dickhead. No, I still don't have my PhD, but guess what...I still haven't left my kid without a daddy either. Fuckin' selfish prick. It takes me two hours to swap out an alternator because of your leaving us. Ass.
--------------
yer dotter's only six, give it time...
fucking alternators.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-03 19:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Is Fat Elvis a deal breaker? Because I'll be honest- I'm indifferent at best.
I have the rest down, though.
We'll have an open relationship. And O is a necessity, as is wifey ghola. Deal?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 18:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's nearly settled, then. But first: Do you love, or can you learn to love, Portly Elvis? My current wife does, and that's why I married her.
That, and the really good sex, and the fact that she's pretty good people.
Also, I would like to keep FG and LM on the side. You can keep O-tron, if you feels it's necessary.
I've been drinking again.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-03 18:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 17:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Despite my professed faux love for a couple others in this place, I think I would marry Lishy first of all. Lots in common. Music-wise, anyway. And that's a start.
===
*bats eyelashes*
I agree, lf, we're definitely suited for each other in at least a few ways, I believe.
I know that sharing an interest in the same music shouldn't be necessary, theoretically, but I love the music I love so much that when someone else understands, I tend to believe we'd have a head start on understanding each other in general.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 17:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Despite my professed faux love for a couple others in this place, I think I would marry Lishy first of all. Lots in common. Music-wise, anyway. And that's a start.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-03 17:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-03 16:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this until the poetry.
===
That's not (conventional) poetry- that's Jane's Addiction. Off one of the best albums of all time, at that.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-03 16:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this until the poetry.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-06-03 14:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, me
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-06-03 13:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-06-03 12:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a couple of chilled beers and a cigarette, you deserve it!!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-03 06:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-02 21:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your so angry.
---
C'mon. Even Randy Johnson knows his pronouns.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-06-03 02:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pigs, zen, yes
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-03 01:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In fact... I'd even pick up all the beer the next day.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-03 01:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks! - yup, end of September.
You know... if you DO happen to be in town, I can honestly say that would make me one happy fellow.
Free beer for you. All night.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 01:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Congrats on the impending marriage, Rob. September, eh? I'd like to say I'm gonna crash it, but you're too far away. And I haven't crashed a wedding in about 20 years.
Free beer tastes better than anything you can imagine.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-03 01:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a smile on my face the whole time:
'To Darla, a chick at work: Fuck you, you vain, vapid cunt. I wouldn't fuck you with my gay cousin's dick.'
Caused that whole laughing out loud thing the kids do these days.
Out fucking standing.
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-06-03 01:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just reread this at the end of the day and have to give it another +2.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-03 00:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A conversation I just had with my daughter, as she was going to bed:
Girl: My friend Kiley told me that she knew somebody who was smoking, and they died.
Me: Yup. Smoking can kill you. I'm really going to try to quit when I turn forty in a few months.
Girl: [hugs me] Daddy, even if you do die, you'll always be my favorite baseball player.
It just doesn't get any better than that.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-02 21:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your so angry.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-06-02 21:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have the makings of a serial killer I think. Solid anger fueled post.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-02 17:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-02 16:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D'backs got spanked.
I'm going to spend the rest of this lovely day with my beautiful family at the water park.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-02 15:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:36:06 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To Lungfish: you rock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:07:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' excellent. One of the few posts I've really enjoyed reading as of late.
--------------------------------
Agreed. Have another.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-02 15:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-02 05:38:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH SO ROSES ARE RED I MADE UP THE REST
IF YOU'VE GOT SOME BIG FUCKIN' SECRET
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SING ME SOMETHIN'?
=====================
I think I'm in love with Sacrilicious now.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-02 14:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To Lungfish: you rock
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-06-02 14:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' excellent. One of the few posts I've really enjoyed reading as of late.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-06-02 13:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa man...that's some serious yang there...
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-06-02 13:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahah...good stuff man. Have a good weekend lungfish.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-02 13:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL read this
http://www.doubleviking.com/hi-5-five-women-with-expiration-dates-5645-p.html
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-02 13:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now pitching for the Binghamton Mets... Jorge Sosa!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-02 13:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you enjoy your victory over the Brooklyn Cyclones and a 48 year old man yesterday?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt?
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse
Always having dirt to play around in
Have you seen the bigger piggies
In their starched white shirts?
You will find the bigger piggies
Stirring up the dirt
Always have clean shirts to play around in
In their styes with all their backing
They don't care what goes on around
In their eyes there's something lacking
What they need's a damn good whacking
Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon
[One more time...]
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What if your mom worked there too?
Seems your dad's the winner.
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Savage truths torn out of an angry soul... gooooood stuff, Lungy.
Damn. Now I want to sing that Pigs song, make a video of it, and post it on youtube.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-02 11:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have renewed my love for you.
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-06-02 10:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT was a bitch-ass rant. I'm in that mood right now.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-06-02 10:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.tourettesguy.com/videos/bobsaget/
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-06-02 10:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-02 08:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-02 08:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH SO ROSES ARE RED I MADE UP THE REST
IF YOU'VE GOT SOME BIG FUCKIN' SECRET
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SING ME SOMETHIN'?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-06-02 08:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate everyone with more money or happiness than me.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like anger in a post.
I'll be sailing all this next week in the northeast. No computer access. It'll be great.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
now go make a post about what these people would say to you.
-------
That's a very good idea. And since I'm obviously short on ideas...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, im just a redneck living in the american southwest
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
now go make a post about what these people would say to you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What I would say to family and friends IF I were a flaming asshole and there were no social mores and I did not fear retribution and had balls of my own to fondle and worship.
-------
Thanks sweetie. I'm just venting.
And thanks, Rad. Jesus, I don't think there's anything racist here. Anti-racist, maybe.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish darling, this is not the person I built in my head.
Loose the anger. I will still marry you, just without the hate.
This got made into a 2+ because it did make me laugh
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I failed to see any racism
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you know Id really quite like to rant as well but since people I know actually read my stuff on uber I really cant.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-02 07:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Understood. It's simply a rant.
95 percent of the people in this country are racist.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-02 06:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You sound a little rednecky here actually.
It seems strange to hear you lose your rag - even for comedic purposes.
p.s. stop being friends with so many racists