Poseur with a U (1061 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-06-04 00:06:25 EDT
Imagine that you are a pirate. A real pirate. You don't have to have a peg leg or a parrot on your shoulder or one of those black eye patches. I mean, you can have that if you want, but you don't have to.
And imagine that your mother is prostitute. A sloppy pirate-bearing prostitute. This probably makes you unhappy. All the other pirates make fun of you. They call you "pirate whose mother is a whore." They're not very creative pirates, but it hurts anyway.
So you decide not to be a pirate anymore. You research other lifestyles. You use the internet because you're a tech-savvy pirate.
You quickly discard Ninja, Zombie, and Horseshoe-maker as being either too complicated or requiring too much effort. As a pirate, you're used to drinking and sometimes beating your whore-mother.
You decide to be a truck driver, which is really a fancy word for "Redneck Pirate." You're only 22 and realize that no company is going to hire you without experience. You're told that you'll have to drive a dump truck for a few years, at least until you're 25. You'll also be allowed to drive a cab at 25, but you think that's probably too dangerous.
So at 5:00 A.M. on Monday morning, you quit drinking, take off your fancy pirate hat and head to work. Your shift will last until 11:30 A.M. All you have to do is drive. There's another guy that operates the arm that lifts each trashcan up and dumps its contents into the back of the truck. That guy is an ex-pirate too. You can tell, because he still has on black eyeliner.
"You see that Johnny Depp Pirate movie?" he asks.
"No," you tell him. "He's a pirate-poseur."
The ex-pirate guy seems offended and doesn't talk to you after that.
The morning is fairly uneventful. You hit three wiener dogs and an old lady with a walker. The wiener dogs seem okay after you hit them. They sort of pull themselves up and waddle away the way wiener dogs do. The old lady seems less okay. You watch stray cats lapping at her blood as you pull away.
You're late finishing your run. Your boss tells you that he's not going to pay you overtime and that you'll have to start working quicker. You break a glass bottle over his head and stab him in the throat. That's how pirates settle things. Redneck truck drivers too.
You feel kind of lonely now that you're off work. All your pirate buddies are out on the ship singing swashbuckling songs and drinking pirate drinks. (Like pina coladas). You decide to find friend.
Knocking door to door doesn't really work. Apparently pirate types are intimidating. After trying 18 houses, you find a decent friend. An old lady with too much green eye shadow, so that her eyes look like moldy bread, answers the door.
"Tea?" she asks you.
You're thirsty, so you say, "Sure."
Her house is a wreck. It smells like sour milk and rotting fruit, so you feel pretty much at home. You sit on the edge of her coffee stained sofa and cross your ankles. (To be polite. Polite people cross their ankles).
"Do you take sugar or milk?" she asks.
"No, plain is fine," you tell her.
She brings you the tea and sits next to you on the sofa. She flips the television on and Dr. Phil is talking about kids who abuse their parents.
"It's awful," she says. "That anyone would do something like that to their mom."
You dump your hot tea on her head. She is obviously a spy sent by your whore mother to make you feel guilty.
You storm out while the woman screams, "MY EYES, MY EYES."
You imagine that she'll have to wear an eye patch for a few days. You've never worn an eye patch. They're for pirate-poseurs.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-27 21:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ikari_shinji (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2DIE FUCKING BITCH
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-06-05 18:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-05 05:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-06-04 20:59:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too ADD at the moment to read this, but I saw THIS:
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm opening for MC Chris on July 3rd in Eugene, OR. It's a pirate themed show. That's pretty much all I have to say about this.
===
Does Coley know?
====
WHAT? PIRATES in my BACKYARD?
Fatterrific: email me! rockfishrock.at.gmail.com
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Aight. I'm doing so right now.
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Hmph, to think..the first uberer I'll probably ever have a drink with is going to be someone I've never really talked to.
YALL DONT BE HATIN
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-05 09:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-05 05:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-06-04 20:59:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too ADD at the moment to read this, but I saw THIS:
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm opening for MC Chris on July 3rd in Eugene, OR. It's a pirate themed show. That's pretty much all I have to say about this.
===
Does Coley know?
====
WHAT? PIRATES in my BACKYARD?
Fatterrific: email me! rockfishrock.at.gmail.com
------------------------------------------------
Aight. I'm doing so right now.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-05 04:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you are actually a pretty funny girl
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-06-04 23:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too ADD at the moment to read this, but I saw THIS:
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm opening for MC Chris on July 3rd in Eugene, OR. It's a pirate themed show. That's pretty much all I have to say about this.
===
Does Coley know?
====
WHAT? PIRATES in my BACKYARD?
Fatterrific: email me! rockfishrock.at.gmail.com
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-04 18:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-04 18:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucked for no reason at all.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-04 16:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ghoula
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-06-04 14:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaarggghhh
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-04 13:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was cute.
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2007-06-04 12:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nifty
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-04 12:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 12:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i love you loki.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-06-04 12:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to help plan a baby shower - or at least I did until I insisted on it being a pirate themed baby shower. Now I'm just supposed to stop by the bakery on the way to work to pick up the cake. They apparently even called the bakery and told them not to let me make any alterations to the cake.
People are the sux.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-04 11:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-04 11:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You sure are writing a lot these days.
You need to get out of the house more often.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-06-04 11:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
everything you post gets on most heated
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-06-04 11:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2007-06-04 10:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Californiaaaaaa
Supercool to the homeless
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like anything that has me imagining being a pirate. PARTICULARLY this.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-04 09:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm opening for MC Chris on July 3rd in Eugene, OR. It's a pirate themed show. That's pretty much all I have to say about this.
===
Does Coley know?
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-04 08:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vikings pwn pirates AND ninjas.
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much funkier wardrobe.
seconded
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-04 05:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm opening for MC Chris on July 3rd in Eugene, OR. It's a pirate themed show. That's pretty much all I have to say about this.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-04 04:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would prefer to be a viking, vikings can beat pirates up.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-04 03:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh, so +2 for you.
I wish I could be funny.
Mmmmmmm...pirate lovin'.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:42:49 EDT (#)
rock on
i always thought that only a poser would spell poseur with a U
-=-=-=-=-
It's so Meta.
Eat your heart out, Douglas Hofstadter. Or your liver. Whichever is tastier.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rock on
i always thought that only a poser would spell poseur with a U
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I always thought my mother was the only person pretentious enough to spell poser with a u.
Then I realized she was just English, and so she has to spell everything the French way, like colour. Tossin' in the extra U's like McDonald's employees hock a few extra loogies into the Big Macs. And centre.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with English people? Do they pronounce centre "sahn-truh"? No? Then why the fuck spell it that way? Because they're secretly french, that's why. If you've got a secret fetish for weird glottalized r's just go whole hog and be Scottish, roll those bastards right out.
I'm going to start spelling gopher "gopheur". It adds a certain je ne sais rien.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sometimes i wear a viking hat. just when i'm in the mood.
________________
You have no idea how hot that is...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sometimes i wear a viking hat. just when i'm in the mood.
________________
You have no idea how hot that is...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sometimes i wear a viking hat. just when i'm in the mood.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vikings pwn pirates AND ninjas.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagine that you are a pirate.
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Now ^^that^^ sentence got me into the second person. Well done.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
liked it
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-06-04 00:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaarggghhh