At the Side of the Road. (825 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.83 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Hitcher (View user info) at 2007-06-06 06:16:08 EDT
Some say I've got the worst job in the world; you know what I say to those people boy?
I say, 'Have you ever tried to scrub the encrusted waste of a drunken Cockney off a toilet seat using only your toothbrush, have you, you slag?'
They usually get the picture after that.
What's that, what's my job? Interest you does it? Maybe not, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
I'm The Hitcher, destined to travel round the world with only my gigantic thumb for company. My gigantic thumb, you've probably guessed, is an incredible boon in my line of work. It sticks out there like a gigantic green cucumber flagging all manner of vehicles to aid me on my trip. It doubles as a pretty lethal weapon as well.
Why, only last week I was being incredibly annoyed by a small insect. Buzzing around me he was, like a tiny Messerschmitt; after about half an hour of this malarky I decided to kill the little bastard. I studied him, followed his every move, and just when he came to rest on a nearby leaf, I squished his brains out. Right before I hit him, he started buzzing furiously. I imagine he was saying something like,
'Don't do that! I'm merely an insect! Without us, you'd be doomed!'
I like to think that, but in reality, he was probably just swearing his little wings off.
As I was saying, the thumb is an incredible boon to the professional hitch-hiker. It got me where I am today. Well, it got me this far, but now I'm bloody stuck at the side of a road, with only an internet ready BT phonebox, me thumb and the stale smell of sweat for company.
Problem was, you see, the guy who was giving me a lift, well, he was a bit, touchy-feely you know? Kept asking about my thumb, asking if he could have a go. I wasn't having none of that, being as how precious my thumb is, so I fucking twatted the slag with it, shouting at him all along.
Screaming I was about how nobody could touch my thumb, how it was dearer to me that life itself. Most importantly, as I pointed out to the unfortunate who'd picked me up, it's the only thing left of my family heritage. I come from a long line of hitch-hikers, and I'm the last.
Some ask me if it's lonely. I say,
'No, it's marvellous you slag! Be on your way before I do you a mischief.'
User Reviews
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know why.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-06 17:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-06 17:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ozymandias (user info) at 2007-06-06 16:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The movie was based on a novel by Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. He's also the author of Another Roadside Attraction, Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates, Jitterbug Pefume, Half-Asleep in Frog Pajamas, and Still Life With Woodpecker, among others I can't think of off the top of my head. His novels are all based in modern day, give or take a few years. His writing style has some extremely vivid and image-evoking metaphors. He is a humorist, although he definitely has much to say that is serious as well, and I believe many of the Ubersite readers and contributors would enjoy his work. I'd recommend Still Life With Woodpecker or Even Cowgirls Get the Blues for a first-time reader. Here's a couple of quotes, blatantly stolen from quotationspage.com or other sources, for the hook:
"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature."
"...to emphasize the afterlife is to deny life. To concentrate on Heaven is to create hell. In their desperate longing to transcend the disorderliness, friction, and unpredictability that pesters life; in their desire for a fresh start in a tidy habitat, germ-free and secured by angels, religious multitudes are gambling the only life they may ever have on a dark horse in a race that has no finish line."
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."
"Now tequila may be the favoured beverage of outlaws but that doesn't mean it gives them preferential treatment. In fact, tequila probably has betrayed as many outlaws as has the central nervous system and dissatisfied wives. Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the doglands, essence of Aztec, crema de cacti; tequila, oily and thermal like the sun in solution; tequila, liquid geometry of passion; Tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins; tequila, firebug in the house of good taste; O tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate!"
"Ideas are mallable and unstable; they not only can be misused, they invite misuse---and the better the idea the more volatile it is. That's because only the better ideas turn into dogma, and it is by this process whereby a fresh, stimulating, humanly helpful idea is changed into robot dogma that is deadly. The problem starts at the secondary level, not with the originator or developer of the idea, but with the people who are attracted to it, until the last nail breaks, and who invariably lack the overview, flexibility, imagination, and, most importantly, sense of humor to maintain it in the spirit in which it was hatched. Ideas are made by masters, dogmas by disciples, and the Buddha is always killed on the road."
I can't find any of his humorous quotes on the 'net, but the one that springs to mind is something along the lines of "home to a breed of men who knew more about the carburetor than the clitoris." I'll post more if anyone is interested.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 11:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who said I was trying to boy? Watch it. Buttmonkey is already against me, the slag.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-06-06 11:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 coz i love the boosh. just don't try and pass it off as ur own creation or i will get angry
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 14:52:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
well i'm not saying the whole thing. i said partially stolen. like the travela round the world with only my gigantic thumb for company bit.
==========================
Clarify next time, damn you!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well i'm not saying the whole thing. i said partially stolen. like the travela round the world with only my gigantic thumb for company bit.
touchy feely driver. that stuff.
that i think was stolen.
this requires more research than i care about.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 14:33:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
but it's about a girl with a gigantic thumb.
that's a big coincidence.
and think about it, the more wretched the movie is the fewer people who have seen it the less likely someone will be to identify it. so why not steal from that?
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I dunno, you could be right. I will e-mail the Boosh people later on and see what they've got to say for themselves. I still don't think that the Boosh Hitcher is based on that film though. Apparently it's all about lesbians.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here boy, are you trying to say that I, most evil hitch-hiker in the world, am based on some slag with two large thumbs? I've only one! And it's very evil at that!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but it's about a girl with a gigantic thumb.
that's a big coincidence.
and think about it, the more wretched the movie is the fewer people who have seen it the less likely someone will be to identify it. so why not steal from that?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got nothing to do with that awful movie you slaaags.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Final verdict? Well, if that's what he's cited as inspiration for 'The Hitcher', then I doubt he's seen what looks to be a god-awful movie. Coincidence maybe?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
final verdict then?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 09:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Based on a grandfather am I Hurt? Is that what you think boy? I'll have your guts for garters you slag.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Noonie:
Noel Fielding has said that The Hitcher is based on a lot of people that he knew in his childhood (probably the Cockney aspect, rather than the evil) including his grandfather. He also references Fagin from Oliver Twist as inspiration. The lines "have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea" sung by the Hitcher in the series, plus elements of his physical appearance and top hat are possibly a reference to singer, songwriter Daevid Allen from the psychadelic rock band Gong, a band who frequently implore the listener to have a cup of tea, referring to the bands intake of hallucinogenic mushroom tea.
From Wiki.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 13:37:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
says based on a book by tom robbins. we need an uberer that works in a library.
=======================
Or at the very least someone literate.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
says based on a book by tom robbins. we need an uberer that works in a library.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hell. I wonder if that's where Barratt and Fielding got the idea. That film looks rank though. The Hitcher is a great character.
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the film is rank. and i'm not renting it or stealing it just to find out if this guy jacked half the story from her introduction. it just sounds like he did to me. too familiar.
===========
If they have, I'm fast losing faith in messrs Barratt and Fielding. Fielding is currently shagging a child, which just makes matters worse.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 13:21:26 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106834/
i can't tell if it's half plagiarized or not but for some reason i think it is. but since i can't actually actually tell i'll just 0 it.
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Fucking hell. I wonder if that's where Barratt and Fielding got the idea. That film looks rank though. The Hitcher is a great character.
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the film is rank. and i'm not renting it or stealing it just to find out if this guy jacked half the story from her introduction. it just sounds like he did to me. too familiar.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Buttmonkey you slag, you've made a powerful enemy today. I could have the council killed in minutes boy. Tony Harrison is a close personal friend.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's no good, I've got to go. I'm bumping this rating up a bit too much anyway.
Angel my dear, you may hump my leg all you want but I'd better get a meal out of it or some flowers or something. Plus I think it might change our relationship.
Hitcher, even though you once kicked the face off a raccoon and onto Jesus' face, I've got the entire Shaman Council behind me you slaaaag.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 13:21:26 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106834/
i can't tell if it's half plagiarized or not but for some reason i think it is. but since i can't actually actually tell i'll just 0 it.
==============
Fucking hell. I wonder if that's where Barratt and Fielding got the idea. That film looks rank though. The Hitcher is a great character.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Inion you Onion! This is my life story, not some bollocks about cowboys! Some people...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106834/
i can't tell if it's half plagiarized or not but for some reason i think it is. but since i can't actually actually tell i'll just 0 it.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Was that supposed to threaten me eh boy? I've more power in my piss than you've got in any daft turban you slag.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
F_B, when I come visited that God forsaken island you're on, imo hug you and hump your leg. You make this adopted American smile.
:) <--- See?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ding ding ding ding diddle ding diddle ding ding ding ding ding
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
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.
.
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ding ding ding ding diddle ding din din.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd love to see you try you slag. I know what you look like boy! I know where you live!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to shaman school for a while, I sit on the council with Curtis (the sexual deviant) Saboo and Tony Harrison. I am fully entitled to - and trained in the ways of - correctly turning my back on people. I got a BTec National and everything.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who do you think you are Buttmonkey? You can't go nicking insults from that slag Naboo.
Seriously boy, I'll taught Jack the Ripper everything he knows.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Angel it's not so much the homeless people as the company's internet policy. THEY ARE WATCHING.
Hitcher you better shut your noise or I'll have to turn my back on you, boy.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Camping? I was in the forest for some time and came across a wild bushman.
Kodiak Jack:he kept trying to sex me up. I told him I only liked marine wildlife.
I put him in the picture with my thumb.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit right here is funny shit, and slaaaag who thinks otherwise is a... well... ermm... slag basically.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
F_B, why not? Those homeless aren't gonna get and homelesser. It's nice outside, send them to panhandle for awhile. Purdy peeeeeez?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am gifted. I can talk to the animals. I'm like mowgli in flares. I lived in the forest with Brian Ferry.
I could camp on here all afternoon. Unfortunately I can't.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Boosh +2.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww F_B, it's so nice your social worker still calls you a 'gifted child'.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're no ragamuffin, you're a French duke.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha. I don't fear you, I'm a gifted child. A ragamuffin from the streets. I come from a family of boxers, everyone in my family are boxers, even my auntie, she loves it. My uncle once hit some bloke so hard his legs turned into trombones.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 08:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PRISON? Don't make me laugh. I'm a free man now, actively seeking sea creatures to fuck.
Prison is a distant memory for this old traveller. Besides boy, you wouldn't make it past my thumb.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll shank you like a bitch in prison, chav.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Buttmonkey you'd better stop telling every slag here my life story. Don't make me put a dolphin suit on you.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Internet threats mean nothing to me you slag! I'm a Cockney geeza, watch me bleed ya!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'd imagine there'd be some difficulty in the man-are after 100 years in a box, put away for crimes against humanity. You shouldn't have fucked that dolphin.
(Well technically it was a porpoise but one blowhole's the same as the next, boy)
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boy o boy do you say boy a lot. This 'boy' has a jiner, not a penos. GET IT RIGHT OR I'LL INTERNET THREATEN YOU.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Drooling are you boy? You want to watch that. Saliva is a precious commodity in some of the places I've been.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I... I... don't know what to think, especially after reading the reviews.
Have a +2 on the premise that I am now drooling like a mongoloid. Thanks F_B.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep it up? Are you trying to insult me boy?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha. Fucking brilliant. +2s for life if you can keep this up.
Driving along on the plastic dream
Heart beats fast like a tiny machine
I am electro boy
I am electro girl
Skating along on the perspex scene
Crystal moccasins, bionic cheese
I am electro boy
I am electro girl
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That jazz slag, always tryin' to steal my glory. I'll hear nothing more about him alright boy?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They call me the Spirit of Jazz. Let me come inside you boy, nestle all up in you like a warm kitten. Mmmmm.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut your noise Buttmonkey, they'll love it! Out of context I'm a unique thinker and a man of genius, as well as being frighteningly good at bass.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trapped in a box by a cockney nut job
Ave a cuppa tea
Ave a cuppa tea
Im the hitcher
let me put you in the picture
creeping in your room in the dead of night
with my solo polo vision (thats right)
Im a cockney geeza
watch me bleed ya
I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper
taught him how to slice
I cut him up a treat
Pound your banana(two pound your pear)
Pound your banana,(two pound your pear)
Pound your banana,(two pound your pear)
14 shillings for your melons
(Oh yeah)
(Were the piper twins, Jim and Jackie Piper
cutting through the night like a windscreen
wiping you away like rain drops
dont mess with the boys)
Shut your noise
Coming in strong like a freak show nightmare
dancing skeletons,white,blue and yellow ones
moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat
and if you cross us
we'l cut ya
(you aint gona like that)
I'm bad julu
I use voodoo if i choose to
I harness the power of evil to abuse you
A power, a polo, an evil magnet
were sucking up your soul
(You aint gona like that)
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't really understand this, but it's better than anything my ass has ever put on here.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I get the feeling only The Mighty Boosh fans will get ANY of this.
And by 'get the feeling' I mean 'I'm pretty fucking sure'.
Or they'll think you came up with all of this by yourself, in which case I'm telling Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt on you.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 07:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me grin.
---------------
At least your not trying to pity me like some poor saps have done.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me grin.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stagger old boy, I appreciate yer support, these moronic slags have just missed the point.
Perhaps it's worse being the last hitcher ever. Excuse me, I need to go and urinate like a powerful horse.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How are you cunts not amused by this?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
erf...
Didn't much care for this, for too many reasons to list on this brief review.
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At least yer honest boy, unlike that illiterate goon Likwid.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
erf...
Didn't much care for this, for too many reasons to list on this brief review.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's wrong with you Likwid boy? Not enough schooling to learn how to spell?
Submitted by LikwidFlux (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ta, Stagger, you slag.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-06 06:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome, slag.