Looks Like I'm Stuck (933 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.96 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Hitcher <youwontseepennyonefromme.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-06-07 05:58:10 EDT
Well you slags, I've been stuck on this desolate bit of road for an age now! My feet are blistered from hopping around in fury and I've just about exhausted all the entertainment options available to me.
I thought I'd be quite good at adjusting to life outside of prison what with me being the most evil thing known to man and all, but apparently I'm not. I'm evil Uber, pure unfettered evil!
Why, I was in prison, and this is no secret boy, for fucking a dolphin. In and out of him I was, like a greasy train of love. Imagine the pleasure you can get from fucking the breathing apparatus of an aquatic creature! Smooth and perfect, I can tell you boy.
Well, what they didn't know is that it was a porpoise, but one blow-hole's much the same as the next, especially to an evil Cockney bitch like myself! Thing is though, that the penalty for fucking a dolphin is much less harsh than what you get for fucking a porpoise, so in a way, I got off lightly.
Smash the system you slags!
Anyway, that's all water under the bridge now, I would say I'm a reformed character, but I'm just not. I'm evil Uber, pure evil! There's so many things I've done with my horrible life that have made me what I am today.
You might not know it to look at me, but I'm completely blind in one eye. No, that doesn't make me disabled you slags, but what it does mean is that I've got excellent vision in the other peeper. In fact, to enhance it, I fixed a gigantic Polo over the socket. For any of you American slags out there, the Polo is 'The Mint With the Hole', and since it's a new millennium, you shouldn't have any trouble googling to find out what my beautiful solo Polo vision looks like, should you boy?
The point of all this, ladies and gentlemen, is that the thief who took my other eye is Jesus.
Some of you may have heard the story about me kicking a raccoons face, onto the face of Jesus. I can tell you it was one of my proudest moments boy, a real victory for the lower classes. As you can probably understand, the old JC was a bit miffed about this, and followed me for decades, swearing unholy (ironic really) revenge against my miserable thin body.
Eventually, he caught up with me and we had a right scrap. At one point, when I'd twisted his stupid hair like spaghetti around my hand, I thought I would be unstoppable. What I didn't realise was that I'd merely grasped his armpit hair; that left him free to pluck out my eye!
Well, I'm a fair man, so after I'd kicked him squarely in the bollocks, I was on my way, mourning my loss.
Fuck. The money is running out on this stupid internet phonebooth.
I'll be on my way you slags!
User Reviews
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know why.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was more the ambiguous adrogyny, but you might be right.
=======================
Androgyny is it boy? How dare you. I'm all cock 'n' ribs me!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was more the ambiguous adrogyny, but you might be right.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell you what it might be Buttmonkey, why we look a little similar.
That slag of a Duke copied my style. He thinks he's a ragamuffin from the streets; we all know the truth of his heritage though. He sleeps in a fuckin' hammock for the love of Christ, my sworn and mortal enemy. Well, I suppose he's immortal, but that's neither here nor there.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try it polo boy. You temporarily killed my Shaman friend, Naboo.
Naboolio, why did you have to go?
Naboolio, we really love you so.
I heard you sing you had a lovely voice
The way you danced I really had no choice
Naboolio, why did you leave us so?
Naboolio, why did you have to go?
(You and Noir do have a certain similarity, though. I can't quite put my finger on it)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woops. Hitcher +2.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bird with the stupid hair? I know her through Naboo. You two look oddly similar....
=================
He's not gonna like that.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bird with the stupid hair? I know her through Naboo. You two look oddly similar....
==================
That's the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. If I wasn't pure evil, I'd be upset you slag.
As it is, I'm just gonna slice you left, right AND on the diagonal in your sleep.
That'll put you in the picture boy.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bird with the stupid hair? I know her through Naboo. You two look oddly similar....
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a french cheese eater, and you know it slag.
====================
French? Fuckin' French? I'm a stump-fucking Cockney. That slag Noir is as French as you like though.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You won't know when it's coming. It could be now, tomorrow, in twenty minutes, next thursday. Bide your time, you slag.
=================
Bide my time is it boy? Bide my bleedin' time?
Harrison is on my side you slag. Spider can fuck himself since I've not seen penny one of the 20 Euros he owes me. And I taught the Spirit of Jazz everything he knows, the slag.
You'll never take me alive you swine, I'm the ultimate Cockney bitch.
-----
You're a french cheese eater, and you know it slag.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You won't know when it's coming. It could be now, tomorrow, in twenty minutes, next thursday. Bide your time, you slag.
=================
Bide my time is it boy? Bide my bleedin' time?
Harrison is on my side you slag. Spider can fuck himself since I've not seen penny one of the 20 Euros he owes me. And I taught the Spirit of Jazz everything he knows, the slag.
You'll never take me alive you swine, I'm the ultimate Cockney bitch.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 09:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-07 08:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you think the Hitcher and Spider hang out?
==========
'Course we don't you fuckin' slag. That retard owes me twenty Euros and I refuse to see him until he pays up.
----
I've spoken to Spider and The Spirit of Jazz on my Shamanphone and got the full collection of truthnuggets you twisted bastard. I'm onto you boy, Tony Harrison is already on a supersecret mission to start nudging those elaborately stacked fate dominoes that will lead to your terrible downfall.
You won't know when it's coming. It could be now, tomorrow, in twenty minutes, next thursday. Bide your time, you slag.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh u love it you slllaaag!!!
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't speak about my mother boy. She's dead in any case you filthy slag.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No I apologise, it was in your mother at the time.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-08 06:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment eh boy? What's wrong with you? Cat got your tongue you slag?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-08 06:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 18:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What fuckin' movie is this then squire? I'm not a part of it you slag.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-07 18:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I never liked the movie.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 18:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nutter? That what you make of me boy? I'm perfectly sane! Apart from hating Jesus, that slag!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-07 17:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-07 17:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this here fucking nutter.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 14:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SlagBoy, who's that then squire? HellBoys promiscuous brother?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-07 13:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SlagBoy.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 13:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Ash,
I'm The Hitcher you slag, not the 'hitch-hiker'; go talk to Douglas Adams about that.
Listen boy, want to see my nazi turtle?
The Hitcher.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-06-07 12:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Hitchhiker,
You rock.
Love,
Slag
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-07 10:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 10:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Another satisfied customer. Lovin' it you slags.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-07 10:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What possible comment could I leave that would do justice?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 09:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-07 08:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you think the Hitcher and Spider hang out?
==========
'Course we don't you fuckin' slag. That retard owes me twenty Euros and I refuse to see him until he pays up.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-07 08:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you think the Hitcher and Spider hang out?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-07 08:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fuckin' love me some.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You love it, don't you boy?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Okay, already"?
What's that about boy? Sick of me are you?
*****************************
Nope, just meant that I was willing to let go of the bit of dislike I was all ready an' waitin' to unleash.
...
Continue being weird and funny and you'll never have to taste it.
(yes, that's a threat.. ;P)
=========
Another threat is it boy? I've already declared war on that slag Buttmonkey, you don't wanna cross a Cockney rebel like myself boy, dangerous territory.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Okay, already"?
What's that about boy? Sick of me are you?
*****************************
Nope, just meant that I was willing to let go of the bit of dislike I was all ready an' waitin' to unleash.
...
Continue being weird and funny and you'll never have to taste it.
(yes, that's a threat.. ;P)
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Okay, already"?
What's that about boy? Sick of me are you?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-07 07:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(sigh)
Okay, already!
This was better than the last one.
Y've won me ovah, guv'nah.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-07 06:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Hitcher fucking rules.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 06:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Considering your rating, that's a bit cheeky isn't it Nelly you slag?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-06-07 06:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-07 06:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How dare you boy! I won't tolerate that kind of noise.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-06-07 05:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wipe the foam from your mouth.