The Un-Hold Up (815 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ballare (View user info) at 2007-06-07 20:01:45 EDT
I can't remember what I was doing when the little old Chinese lady pulled her gun on me.
I think I was staring at the cigarettes behind the counter, wondering what brand the girl was smoking this week. It didn't matter - cancer sticks were cancer sticks. And they all made the couch stink, and no matter how often I'd ask her to smoke outside, she didn't, and like a stubborn little kid, she'd sit on the couch and light one up and look at me with her big green eyes.
So maybe I was thinking, maybe I won't buy her any at all. She can buy her own smelly little white tubes please and thank you.
Anyway, I'd dumped my armload of Doritos and Wonderbread and Twinkies and Pepsi and one lone can of Whiskas on to the grimy countertop, I know that for sure, because when the gun came out, out my arms went up, instinctively, like I was in some sort of movie and if my hands were up in the air it would stop this crazy little immigrant from shooting me.
"Give me all you money!" She demanded, in broken English.
I might have laughed, just a little, because when a trembling Chinese lady in a green and yellow gas-station uniform pulls a gun on you, the situation is understandably ridiculous. What are you supposed to do in an un-hold up? Give the cashier the beef jerky back? I don't know - not even countless late night marathons of Cops prepared me for this.
I think her hands shook, just a little, because I saw the barrel of the gun wiggle uncertainly through the air. I followed it with my eyes, thinking, if she shoots me, who will bring the girl her cigarettes?
And I think I was terrified - just a little. I didn't have much to look forward to, but being known as 'that guy that got shot down at the 7-11 when the cashier went fucking insane' wasn't on the top of my list of things to do.
She repeated it, louder, as though I hadn't heard her the first time.
You loony old hag, you've got a gun on me, think I'm ignoring you?
I'm sure I said this out loud because she screeched indignantly, like some twisted rewrite of Big Bird who had too-baggy skin and too-slanty eyes and was considerably less kiddy-friendly. Too many jugs of sour milk, too many cups of slimy coffee, too many dirty convenience store washrooms - this is what I get for wasting my time.
"I shoot you if you no give me you money." She said this coolly, but her voice lifted a little at the end, as if she were making it into a question.
I shoot you if you no give me you money?
Slowly, with my palms turned towards her to show that I wasn't going to pull any heroics like jump over the counter and wrestle the gun from her veiny, boney skinny fingers, I let my hands drift down to my pocket. I dug around for as much change as I had and pulled out a fistful of coins.
"Here," I said, dropping the jingling pile on to the counter. "It's all I got."
She eyed me suspiciously, her narrow eyes even narrower over her beaky nose. With one hand she pawed through the loose change, pushing it around - I figure it was only about sixteen bucks or so, but it seemed to satisfy her. She nodded curtly.
I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding, and reached out for the few things on the counter.
"No!" She barked, smacking the back of my hand with the butt of her gun. I snatched my hand back, but whined, "lady, what will my cat eat?"
She thought about this for a long while as I stood awkwardly, shoulders hunched upward and my arms tight by my sides - my pathetic try at looking both angry and meek (she still, after all, held the gun) - and finally nodded again.
"Cat can eat."
What do you do? Thank her? Try to pay for the rest of the stuff? Just turn tail and run?
"Uh, thanks?"
I decided on a sort of half-bob, and I took the cat food and stuffed it in my pocket. I stared at her. She stared at me. I blinked.
She stared at me.
"Can I, uh, leave now?"
She grunted, an agreement I guess, and I gradually backed away, step by step. As I turned to go, I saw her lean down and tuck the gun away under the counter out of the corner of my eye.
"Oh," I paused.
I turned around, digging around in my jeans for the bill the girl had given me before I'd left.
"Can you gimme a pack of Luckies?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-05 12:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-06-30 05:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed like three of your posts somehow. I really like this, too.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-30 00:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will look out for your posts in the future
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-06-09 19:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that bad. I kinda liked this.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-06-09 14:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this, it was great!!
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-06-09 11:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-08 11:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-08 11:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-06-08 08:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-08 07:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good, couple of slack English mistakes but still an enjoyable read.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-08 04:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Works for me...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-08 02:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very very good!
Just what I was looking for.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-08 02:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rather enjoyed this.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-08 02:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Movies and movie refrences come from life and not the other way around.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-06-07 22:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-07 22:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title makes me think of "The Big Payback"
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-07 22:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead to me below.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-07 22:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worth it.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha last two reviews....
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, no, it's cool, I didn't mean to be snotty or anything. I know where you're coming from, I'm just saying I don't really need to justify what he did.
Plus I really didn't want to have to shoot an old Chinese lady in the face.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I stand corrected. Boney is not wrong.
I don't like it when people don't take guns away from old Chinese ladies and shoot them in their faces, that's all I was saying. And really, none of this made any sense. But that's okay... I was trying to be supportive of the writing style.
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Very enjoyable. I like your style, it's clean and easy to follow.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up. I like.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-07 21:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PukingDog- yes. He is. So?
And it's spelt either way, actually.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-07 20:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your subject is a complete pussy. And it's "bony", not "boney." But I applaud this sort of post. Not bad.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-06-07 20:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-07 20:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was awesome.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-07 20:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-07 20:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.