10 things (940 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.28 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <andy.barnard.at.us.army.mil> (View user info) at 2007-06-08 21:51:28 EDT
You meet funny people in bars. Some of them are true individuals, and some of them you meet everywhere you go. There is at least one of the following ten in every bar in America.
1. The Dressed-Up Drunk Chick-She just came from a wedding, or a funeral, or some college shindig with a dress code. She's hammered and pointing out every couple minutes how GORGEOUS her dress is. She sits down too hard and laughs until she snorts. Her drink of choice is either really low-rent and therefore ironic, or very complicated. Why is the sloshed blonde in the frilly dress with the train always nursing the warm Lone Star?
2. The Depressing Businessman With An Opinion-This guy is invariably elbows-down into the bar, yelling at whatever team of his is losing on the TV, telling the bartender how his wife doesn't understand or how we should just nuke Iraq. He's keen on gin, vodka, and girls half his age. He has a money clip and a cell phone hanging from his belt in one of those little leather cases. He'll give you his card and try to buy you whatever he's drinking.
3. The Reeeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy Old Man-Beers just keep magically appearing in front of him, he was there when you showed up, he'll stay until after you leave. He asks for cigarettes and talks about how much stuff used to cost. Every now and then a song will come on the juke that he knows and he'll slap you on the back and say,"Heh, this one's before your time!" His hat is sitting on the bar. Old pros always wear hats to the bar.
4. The Off-Duty Bartender-He/She will sit next to the waiter's swinging door and talk to whatever coworker is slinging booze. He/She will go behind the bar to use the phone, pour their own drinks, change the channel, etc. They'll ask you if you know every type of shot in the world and try to get you to sample them all. Inside jokes and name-dropping hazards ahead.
5. The Dude Who Needs A Ride-Pretty self-explanatory. The interesting thing is, it's never "Take me to my house," it's "Take me to the store and then to this other dude's house and wait outside, and then to this other house, and there's 'something' in it for you when we get there."
6. The Dancing Chick-Every song on the Jukebox is this girl's all-time favorite jam, because it reminds her of her boyfriend/best friend/pet/car/rando she's going home with. Her trademark move is raising her appletini in the air, scowling and shaking her head in passion, and wobbling around waiting for someone to grab her and take her home. She might have jean shorts on, but it's not mandatory. Jean skirts are also appropriate.
7. The Writer In The Corner-Converse low-tops, corduroy pants, a cardigan, black-rimmed glasses, and a man-purse. He's smoking cloves or bidis at the end of the bar and drinking the micro-brewery stuff, or whiskey, the most literary of boozes. He'll be really quiet for hours, and then all of a sudden he'll throw his two cents into a conversation as if we've been waiting for his opinion all night. Always on his way somewhere else, for some reason.
8. The Self-Promoting Guitarist-He's in a band, here's his email and myspace band page. Here's a flyer. Here's a demo cd, three bucks, go to the show for the good cd. There aren't enough hyphens or "posts" in the world to categorize his band's sound. He just changed bassists, maybe you know some of his friends, check him out, PLEASE!!
9. The Sleeper-Just let him sleep, it might be me.
10. Me-Frequent bathroom breaks. Marlboro lights to mark my territory. I put my head down on the bar a lot, I don't initiate conversation. I like sports on TV to avoid eye contact. I'm a jukebox nazi, and will often sacrifice tip money to play Hank Williams. Whiskey and dark ales. My go-to drink is Southern Comfort on the rocks with a slice of lemon. I will let you know I'm in the army within the first ten minutes of conversation, in order to try and score free drinks. I'll hit on you, lose my nerve, drink too much, fall down, and drive to whatever couch I'm crashing on that night.
User Reviews
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-13 21:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's it gonna take to put the average review of this thing in the negative numbers? I gotta write a story about raping Christ, or what?!
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-13 21:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't bother with anything. Read a book.
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-13 16:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
that's because you're boring and useless
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-10 21:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm.... I'm none of these.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-06-10 13:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-06-09 06:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
listen here, Private!
Never, ever use your AKO email address here.
EVER!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-10 12:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-10 04:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the motherfucking truth sir.
I just served 'em all tonite.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-09 23:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-09 22:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
9. The Sleeper-Just let him sleep, it might be me.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-09 21:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing I've read in a while.
Thank you.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-09 12:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The bar I go to back home has usually has Number 1,2,3,4,6, & 8. The old dudes are pretty fucking cool becuase most of them were in (insert major war here) and they have some fucking badass stories.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-09 10:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I strive to become number 3. Nearly there.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-09 09:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think at one time I have been every male in this post
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-06-09 09:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i have seen a good many of those people at the bar!
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-06-09 06:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, SGT.
How's Fort Campbell?
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-06-09 06:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
listen here, Private!
Never, ever use your AKO email address here.
EVER!
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-06-09 05:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to equalize beeltee
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-06-09 05:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 just got back from a bar!!!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-09 05:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
by the way, this is really bad. Generally I drop -2's for fun and eat house-cats for breakfast; but this post was truly awful. Had to come out of the working of wood to that did say.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-09 05:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
awful. And you missed about 15 others; or perhaps you were just willfully ignorant. In that case, I will up your score to a -2.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-09 01:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm the Reeeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy opinionated drunk chick who is friends with the bartender, occasionally dances in the least predictable situations and will gladly accept a ride home since she lives right down the street and wouldn't have any good reason to actually drive there, but sure as hell doesn't want to drive home if there's an alternative.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-09 00:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd love to be that asshole guy who'd sign you up for gay porn spam and whatnot, but since you're new and this didn't totally suck, I'm just going to laugh.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-09 00:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You've Got Mail!
#1 10 yards of concrete
#2 Penis enlargement kit
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-06-08 23:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Few things are more annoying than those self promoting guitarists. He recorded most of his demos in his attic with a makeshift phonograph but they've got a gig in some obscure club that will sound MUCH better. Really.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-08 23:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny, but yeah, repost without your email. Someone with a grudge against life is guaranteed to use it against you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-06-08 22:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to get drunk together sometime.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-06-08 21:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh. Change your external name to something not your email address and repost this - May God have mercy on you.