My Zoo (917 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.49 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Hitcher <youwontseepennyonefromme.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-06-11 07:57:44 EDT
Alright you slags?
When I'm not travelling around the world, happily depending on the kindness of strangers, I run a zoo. Not just any old zoo mind boy, an evil zoo! I'm a man of bony charm so I'm going to tell you about it, whether you like it or no!
You see, squires and squiresses... What's that? NO, I don't bleedin' well care if 'squiresses' ain't a word boy, I'm a Cockney nutjob and I'll speak how I please.
As I was saying before that twat in the cheap seats, yes you sir, interrupted, I run a very special kind of zoo. I carry it in a box around the world with me, and anyone who doesn't get the message from my massive green thumb, usually gets it when I chuck 'em in my box to see my zoo.
I run a Zoo for Animal Offenders. I've collected the most evil creatures in the world to display here boy and they usually scare the shit out of all and sundry. It's a great secondary line of work for one such as myself Uber, since I'm the very essence of evil.
I've got all manner of garb in my zoo boy, all manner of creatures to mystify and horrify, to amaze the eyes and make your spine bleed with the very anticipation of it all.
In this corner I've got The Nazi Turtle. Descended straight from Hitler and his terrible union with a shell-fish, this evil little bugger bit me when I was fishing in Morocco. So I caught him, and stuck him in my zoo as a freshwater fascist for all the family.
Moving on you slags. Over here, I've got the Ku Klux Goose. He's so evil that he has a 'Parental Advisory: Explicit Goose' tattoo somewhere on his racist body. Only problem is, I've never managed to get close enough to shave him and find out where. Feel free to try boy, but I warn you, he's not gonna like that.
My finest exhibit, however, is a true terror to behold. Why, he's so evil I won't even sleep in the same room as him. Word has it that he killed his own mother using nothing but the power of his mind, the slag!
Feast your eyes, on Trevor Robinson: The Shirehorse with over 37 parking tickets. All unpaid mind, and he's no intention of paying them anytime soon, I can tell you. Evil hooves, that horse friends.
Interpret my creatures how you will boy, but don't judge them lest ye be judged. And by judged I mean slashed with my Cockney knife of evil and fed to my menagerie.
That'll be all you slags.
User Reviews
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know why.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-13 12:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's one thing to take on the persona of someone or something fictional and write about their life/lives, but to blatantly use a personae from a TV show, A GOOD TV SHOW DAMMIT, and claim it as your own, is, well, shite.
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Are you reading some part of The Hitcher posts that I'm missing? He's not claiming it as his own. Fuck sake dude.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-13 03:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My issue?
It's one thing to take on the persona of someone or something fictional and write about their life/lives, but to blatantly use a personae from a TV show, A GOOD TV SHOW DAMMIT, and claim it as your own, is, well, shite.
So back off ya onion, or I'll come at ya like a wet flannel.
Take you out for dinner with Mr & Mrs Pain. Order you up some violent Quiche.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-12 07:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-12 05:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and Buttmonkey, I'd tread carefully if I was you boy.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-12 05:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Progr3ss you fucking slag, what's your issue? You've made the list.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-12 04:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And I suppose you got your big thumb from squashing a wasp in school?
Congratulations on the originality.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-12 04:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you spin me right round baby, right round
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-12 03:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I go away on a Shaman Retreat for three days and here he is, chucking out e-threats like Jammy Dodgers. You got nothing, boy, and that's the word on the street.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 18:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-11 22:58:17 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
You use "boy" excessively not only in your posts but also in your rating comments.
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I love it when cunts who don't post try to slag off others.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 18:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-11 16:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What in the name of HP sauce are you all gibbering about? You queer yankie oddballs.
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Yankie? I'm a Cockney bitch boy.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 18:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-11 22:58:17 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
You use "boy" excessively not only in your posts but also in your rating comments.
================
Fuck yourself, boy.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-11 17:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You use "boy" excessively not only in your posts but also in your rating comments.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-11 16:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What in the name of HP sauce are you all gibbering about? You queer yankie oddballs.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not playing that off.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is no 'Doh!' you bitches. What the hell?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DOH!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were calling me a cunt. The Hitcher speaks for himself.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good job signing out before rating.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How am I a cunt?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-11 15:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you're still a cunt
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 14:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Emission, I think the Hitcher means that he wouldn't want to associate himself with such a badly written pile of dogshit.
Cunt.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's true you slaaggggg
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here boy, why would I want credit for your post eh?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha look at you trying to get some credit for my post! OBVIOUSLY I was writing about you!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SLAG
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Squirrel, ally yourself with me against the rest of the slags on this site. You'll be richly rewarded boy.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-06-11 13:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU SLAAAAG!
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 12:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TheUniter will be the first for a stabbing. After Buttmonkey.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-11 12:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-11 12:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Merry Cocaine!
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 11:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seems like I'm going to be stabbing up quite a few of you slags.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-11 11:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cunt.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why i never visit london
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Screw your apples Beano you slag. You'll never catch a spry old geezer like me boy.
Emission, confused are you boy? Shut your noise.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Minerals?
My Niagara Falls are bigger than your Jam Jar mate, I'm going gather up my Nikki Lauder and my Drum and Fife and come to your manor and kick you in the Jackson Pollocks mate.
How do like them apples?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok that very nearly confused me
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy is right, but the Hitcher rules.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cockney rubbish.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshit, if you're not riding the white pony I'm the fucking Queen of England.
******************************************
...yes.
============
You'd better be able to back up these accusations you slags!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshit, if you're not riding the white pony I'm the fucking Queen of England.
******************************************
...yes.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bring it you slag. You haven't got the minerals.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't see jack shit.
I'll sneak up like a ninja in the night, like the man that delivers black tray.
I'm coming for that thumb of yours.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You won't stab shit Beano, you blurry bastard, I've seen your picture!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonny Rotten below.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 10:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beanos been drinking lighter fluid again....with too many spoonfuls of sugar.....
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
imma stab you in the eye.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ended? Unless you're planning on dissolving me, I very much doubt it boy.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wide boy.
You're ended. Fact.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cunt is it now? That's it, you've made the list. Expect a visit from Trevor.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quickly, as in since you have published your post.
Cunt.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quickly boy? Don't lie to me, you've been planning that for weeks because you love me so much you slag.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive just quickly written a story for you!!
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshit, if you're not riding the white pony I'm the fucking Queen of England.
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Believe me boy, I don't need that nonsense for this! Well, not on weekdays at any rate.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-11 09:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshit, if you're not riding the white pony I'm the fucking Queen of England.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Medication boy? Nope, just pure unfettered evil!
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you on any kinds of medication we should know about?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Emission, who pissed in your breakfast?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck off
only joking
fuck off
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and Emission boy, learn to punctuate you slag.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Skrap you slag, it's Boosh, not Bosh.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you talk like a penis.....this stories shit, your shit, your mums shit, your mums cats a prick, your mums cats fishes penis is a shit prick. YOU ARE A PRICK covered in shit!
only joking.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bosh. Not as bosh as Bosh, but bosh nevertheless.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-06-11 08:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't cross me boy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-11 07:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Spastic