Approaching the Dirty Thirty (or more useless knowledge passed off to the younger generation) (1082 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2007-06-12 15:39:41 EDT
I've got another year and a bit before I turn 30. It's still scaring the hell out of me for various reasons. I've been putting off friends asking what I'm going to do for my thirtieth by telling them I'm celebrating it quietly and out of town, preferably at a cottage in Kingston on an Adirondack chair and with a cooler full of beer to my right. Anyhow, in keeping with the small-scale bandwagon ghola started, here are a couple of things I've learned up to this point:
1. Home ownership blows. All your money goes into repair, maintenance and bills. What little is left goes to food and transportation to get you to work to pay for the goddamn house. But it sure beats renting a shoebox-sized shithole* you'll never own.
2. The prospect of going to college/university is far scarier now than at 18. I'm going to be the "old lady" in the class, younger only than the instructor. I'll be graduating at 32. And to tweak #1 a bit, any little money I have left no longer goes to food, it goes to books. Looks like it's Kraft Dinner for me for the next two years. I've no idea what the hell Ramen is, but I'd imagine it's the American equivalent to Mac and Cheese or Mr. Noodle. Luckily I live close to campus so I can ditch the car and bike it to school. In the winter, I'll have to round up the neighbourhood dogs to pull the toboggan to get me there.
3. The pressure to marry and pop out a few snot factories increases as you near your thirties. But with age comes wittier responses:
Relative: So when's the wedding? You're not getting any younger.
Me: Neither are you, when's the funeral?
Nosy Parker: So how many kids are you going to have?
Me: None. I'm doing my part for population control.
NP: Don't you want someone to call you "Mommy" and take care of you?
Me: No, I want someone to call me "Mistress" and lick my boots.
4. I'll agree with Kaos King here: you do have fewer friends than you did when you were younger. But here's where I change it a bit: Since you've now learned the difference between the words friend and acquaintance, you find that you have many acquaintances, but few friends. The quality of friend you have skyrockets as you have less tolerance for games, bullshit and other high-school shenanigans that you put up with in the past. Because you have become choosier, the friends you have now are likely to be for life.
5. The soda/fast food thing is quite true. But for some people, it goes far beyond that. The high stress lifestyle that some have adapted seems to welcome gastro-intestinal ailments. The one I have been enjoying for the past ten years has escalated to the point that I have strict dietary restrictions. I'm not allowed to have caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, chocolate, spicy or fatty foods. I don't follow all of them to the letter, but for the most part I either don't consume them or I do on rare occasion. I've changed medications three times and it doesn't show signs of stopping, I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm headed for an ulcer or five.
6. You will find yourself using the phrase "Fucking kids." whilst shaking your head at the following scenarios:
- a goofy looking rice-mobile thumping shitty music through shittier speakers
- a prostitot wandering by in a skirt that would make Christina Aguilera blush
- a lily-white upper middle class "gangsta from the 'hood" wearing pants huge enough to house a family of Pakistani refugees and gigantic sideways baseball cap. (I'm always tempted to pants these idiots)
- or on the flipside to the gangstas, some trendy emo kid wearing jeans so small that they only come halfway up his skinny ass so you see his sad little undies
7. I don't necessarily agree that artists aren't anything. I will agree that very few (if any) artists will top any Forbes list or cure any diseases. I will say this however: a few years ago I had to do a period piece for my life drawing class. I picked WWII and went to visit my grandfather to borrow his photo album from when he was in the navy. He was so looking forward to that visit that it was all he talked about for the week leading up to it. I spent the afternoon going through the album with him and listening to his stories. When the project was finished, I decided to give the drawing I had done of he and three of his shipmates to him. If you could have seen the smile on his face and the tears in his eyes (and mine), it might slightly alter your opinion. The amount of pleasure it brings, even to such a small percentage of the population, is worth it.
I can't round this list up to 10 as I've run out of points and interest. Do I wish I could go back to being 23? Sometimes, yes. It's one of those "If I knew then what I know now..." situations. But since that's not possible, I'll just keep on keeping on. Life will be re-starting soon...
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* I know all apartments aren't shoebox-sized shitholes, just the ones that people my age can afford in Toronto.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-13 03:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok Susie, sit down and listen to Grandpa......
I was 30 in January and like you I was so scared!! Then the fateful day came, 18th January..........Thing was nothing changed. I was almost disappointed. Just realised I needed to make myself happy or do things that made myself happy. Thats it, be happy, smile and love your family.
Bingo.
That's possibly the most sensible thing I have ever written on here.
+2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-13 04:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok first, I'm 24 and I've been saying "Fucking Kids" since I was about 12.
And two, it's an esky. Not a cooler. It doesn't make thing cooler. I know it doesn't eskify them either, but it's a better word. A cooler is a stubbie holder. Ah whatever...
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it's not a friggen esky! it's not even a word! it's a friggen brand name!
it's called a chilli-bin! goddamn aussies!
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Yeah, but if you say anything but esky in aus, we will ridicule you forever. And what about biro? blu-tack? velcro? etc...
and wouldn't a chilli bin be filled with chillies?
that's a hot bin.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-13 21:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-13 04:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok first, I'm 24 and I've been saying "Fucking Kids" since I was about 12.
And two, it's an esky. Not a cooler. It doesn't make thing cooler. I know it doesn't eskify them either, but it's a better word. A cooler is a stubbie holder. Ah whatever...
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it's not a friggen esky! it's not even a word! it's a friggen brand name!
it's called a chilli-bin! goddamn aussies!
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Ahahahahahah "chilli-bin."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-13 21:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-13 04:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok first, I'm 24 and I've been saying "Fucking Kids" since I was about 12.
And two, it's an esky. Not a cooler. It doesn't make thing cooler. I know it doesn't eskify them either, but it's a better word. A cooler is a stubbie holder. Ah whatever...
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it's not a friggen esky! it's not even a word! it's a friggen brand name!
it's called a chilli-bin! goddamn aussies!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-13 07:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well considering I just managed to spill sweet onion sauce all down my top I can't even fucking feed myself at 24, so I'm screwed if I'm expected to get all responsible in years to come.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-13 05:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stubby holder?
those are a thousand years old.
thats like early 80's, no?
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-13 04:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok first, I'm 24 and I've been saying "Fucking Kids" since I was about 12.
And two, it's an esky. Not a cooler. It doesn't make thing cooler. I know it doesn't eskify them either, but it's a better word. A cooler is a stubbie holder. Ah whatever...
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-13 04:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
two things.
im 37 and live in europe. when my mom visits she asks what she should bring from home.
i always reply;
10 boxes of kraft dinner, breakfast of champions.
the second thing was....?
i forget. fucking old age!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-13 03:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are all very mean for reminding me of becoming 30 earlier this year.
I was fine with it, today I shall kill myself, with marshmallows.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-13 03:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm 21 and I don't know shit about shit. I do know that I refuse to grow up, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go play some video games....
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-13 01:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Relative: So when's the wedding? You're not getting any younger.
Me: Neither are you, when's the funeral?
Nosy Parker: So how many kids are you going to have?
Me: None. I'm doing my part for population control.
NP: Don't you want someone to call you "Mommy" and take care of you?
Me: No, I want someone to call me "Mistress" and lick my boots.
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FUCKING GOLD!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-06-13 01:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll be 26 in August. time is just flying by. i'll be 30 before i know it.
and the world would be a pretty shitty place without artists. no doubt. i used to consider myself a bit of an artist back when i was really good at sketching and painting and writing music. without practice, all the talent is gone and that makes me kind of sad... one day i will stop working 80-100 hours a week and make time for those sorts of things again.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-13 01:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-06-12 17:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd call you Mommy. Hehe.
_________________
I #1 thing I agree with the most...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-13 01:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
trufs
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-06-13 00:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool. susie derkins is the fakest name in the history of fake names.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-06-12 23:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 19:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - I don't know why, I suppose it's because you seem more well spoken than most 19 year olds I've encountered.
______________________________
Ill take it as a compliment. haha.
You're Canadian? I didn't know
I don't know why, I suppose it's because you don't instantly piss me off like some other Canadians here...guess its because you're not a quebecois.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-12 22:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-06-12 20:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that adds up to +3, unfortunately that is impossible.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-06-12 20:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 text
+2 coupland
woo vancouver woo
woo vancouver > toronto woo
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-12 20:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got that friends and acquaintances thing sorted years ago.
You're still old.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 19:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MyTee - good luck to you! I imagine I'll be less tolerant of "those damn kids" when I start school again, too.
Gravitas - Mr. Noodle is a package of freeze-dried noodles with powdered flavouring that you either put in a pot of boiling water or microwave in water. It's a poor excuse for soup.
Bob - I don't know why, I suppose it's because you seem more well spoken than most 19 year olds I've encountered.
Jack - as far as I've just been told, you can claim your land taxes, possibly your mortgage interest up here BUT only if your gross income is under (I believe) $38K. In that case, I don't know how you can afford a house in the first place.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-06-12 19:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOD stuff here.
Speaking of houses...
Down in the US you can write off your mortgage interest, an incentive for home ownership. I heard you CAN'T do that in Canada. Is that true?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2007-06-12 18:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-06-12 17:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lots of interesting responses, a lot of surprises too. I pictured you all younger than you say you are for some reason. Well, except Bob, for some reason I guessed you older. But there's nothing wrong with being a grumpy old fart at 19.
_________________
Except for the fact that everyone around me around grumpy old farts. Its very frustrating watching my "peers" going through their naive youth stages and I just somehow went right by it and now complain like an old man on a rocking chair.
PS: Imagined I was older? Wow...that's a surprise after being called 12 for the past 4 years. haha.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-06-12 17:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd call you Mommy. Hehe.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-06-12 17:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the emo kid's 'sad little undies' is the funniest thing i've seen today.
ramen is about 3 slots below the worst mac&cheese. what is mr. noodle?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm about to (hopefully) go back to school as well. I use the term "Damn kids" quite often now and I have a feeling it will increase.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is it with you and your shoe/foot fetish? You're creepng me out, Derkins.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As an "old fart" who just passed 40, I couldn't agree more, especially with #6.
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The same here with only one difference, here they're called: Scheiß Kinder!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I pictured you all younger than you say you are for some reason.
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FINALLY
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The ONLY thing better about being 23 would be the insane amount of random pussy I pulled back then.
EVERYTHING else is better 20 years later.
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Speak for yourself.
My life is shit right now. However, the friends that I still have don't care about that, they care about ME, and with their help and my own hard work, things will get better, eventually.
This was a great post. I'm 39 and the only thing I know is that I don't know anything. And I want to be rich. And I don't want to die. And war sucks. And most people suck. And I like ice cream. And if you voted for George W. Bush, you're a fucking moron.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lots of interesting responses, a lot of surprises too. I pictured you all younger than you say you are for some reason. Well, except Bob, for some reason I guessed you older. But there's nothing wrong with being a grumpy old fart at 19.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
4. I'll agree with Kaos King here: you do have fewer friends than you did when you were younger. But here's where I change it a bit: Since you've now learned the difference between the words friend and acquaintance, you find that you have many acquaintances, but few friends. The quality of friend you have skyrockets as you have less tolerance for games, bullshit and other high-school shenanigans that you put up with in the past. Because you have become choosier, the friends you have now are likely to be for life.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool, let's fuck.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As an "old fart" who just passed 40, I couldn't agree more, especially with #6.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-12 12:55:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's what I know:
A.
When I was 18 I knew everything.
When I was 24 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 18.
When I was 30 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 24.
When I was 35 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 30.
Now I'm 45, and I'm beginning to see a pattern.
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true, quite true
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-06-12 16:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2. The prospect of going to college/university is far scarier now than at 18. I'm going to be the "old lady" in the class, younger only than the instructor. I'll be graduating at 32. And to tweak #1 a bit, any little money I have left no longer goes to food, it goes to books. Looks like it's Kraft Dinner for me for the next two years. I've no idea what the hell Ramen is, but I'd imagine it's the American equivalent to Mac and Cheese or Mr. Noodle. Luckily I live close to campus so I can ditch the car and bike it to school. In the winter, I'll have to round up the neighbourhood dogs to pull the toboggan to get me there.
_____________________
Awesome props for going back to school! If you think thats bad, imagine how bad it was for my father to go to med school at 40...with two kids and a job.
Back to point, dont worry about it...A lot of schools have programs now for people who are going back to school so you dont feel like that isolated older person.
3. The pressure to marry and pop out a few snot factories increases as you near your thirties. But with age comes wittier responses:
Relative: So when's the wedding? You're not getting any younger.
Me: Neither are you, when's the funeral?
Nosy Parker: So how many kids are you going to have?
Me: None. I'm doing my part for population control.
NP: Don't you want someone to call you "Mommy" and take care of you?
Me: No, I want someone to call me "Mistress" and lick my boots.
__________________________
I love you?
4. I'll agree with Kaos King here: you do have fewer friends than you did when you were younger. But here's where I change it a bit: Since you've now learned the difference between the words friend and acquaintance, you find that you have many acquaintances, but few friends. The quality of friend you have skyrockets as you have less tolerance for games, bullshit and other high-school shenanigans that you put up with in the past. Because you have become choosier, the friends you have now are likely to be for life.
_________________________
Sounds like me now...10 years younger than you...that cant be a good sign for me.
5. The soda/fast food thing is quite true. But for some people, it goes far beyond that. The high stress lifestyle that some have adapted seems to welcome gastro-intestinal ailments. The one I have been enjoying for the past ten years has escalated to the point that I have strict dietary restrictions. I'm not allowed to have caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, chocolate, spicy or fatty foods. I don't follow all of them to the letter, but for the most part I either don't consume them or I do on rare occasion. I've changed medications three times and it doesn't show signs of stopping, I have resigned myself to the fact that I'm headed for an ulcer or five.
__________________________
Smooth.
6. You will find yourself using the phrase "Fucking kids." whilst shaking your head at the following scenarios:
- a goofy looking rice-mobile thumping shitty music through shittier speakers
- a prostitot wandering by in a skirt that would make Christina Aguilera blush
- a lily-white upper middle class "gangsta from the 'hood" wearing pants huge enough to house a family of Pakistani refugees and gigantic sideways baseball cap. (I'm always tempted to pants these idiots)
- or on the flipside to the gangstas, some trendy emo kid wearing jeans so small that they only come halfway up his skinny ass so you see his sad little undies
______________________________
I say that now.
7. I don't necessarily agree that artists aren't anything. I will agree that very few (if any) artists will top any Forbes list or cure any diseases. I will say this however: a few years ago I had to do a period piece for my life drawing class. I picked WWII and went to visit my grandfather to borrow his photo album from when he was in the navy. He was so looking forward to that visit that it was all he talked about for the week leading up to it. I spent the afternoon going through the album with him and listening to his stories. When the project was finished, I decided to give the drawing I had done of he and three of his shipmates to him. If you could have seen the smile on his face and the tears in his eyes (and mine), it might slightly alter your opinion. The amount of pleasure it brings, even to such a small percentage of the population, is worth it.
______________________________
Maybe...Ive kind of equated artists with chefs...in that they bring intense pleasure for a very short period of time in people...Ive yet to answer whether I think that is good or not.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-06-12 20:48:52 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm currently 27. I don't know anything and have learned nothing.
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Ditto except I learned one thing: Getting your bones drilled fucking sucks.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm less than two years older than Skrapmetal.
Must be why I think he's making sense.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's what I know:
A.
When I was 18 I knew everything.
When I was 24 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 18.
When I was 30 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 24.
When I was 35 I knew everything, including that I didn't really know anything when I was 30.
Now I'm 45, and I'm beginning to see a pattern.
B.
I'm seeing the pattern from a very comfortable chair next to the pool at my house.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I met Douglas Coupland.
Good fella.
Enjoyable read.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of rolling balls...
Hi Lishy. Hi Susie.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just think, you can officially submit your Cougar application at 30.
It takes them 7 or so years to process it and send you your official decoder ring and Anti Tit-Sag Spray, but you can totally get the ball rolling.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My 30th birthday was the best ever. 3 years later, I don't feel much different.
I'm going to a baseball game for my BD this year. God help them if I wind up on the Phan-O-vision.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm currently 27. I don't know anything and have learned nothing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The ONLY thing better about being 23 would be the insane amount of random pussy I pulled back then.
EVERYTHING else is better 20 years later.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like Douglas Coupland.
i have trouble believing you are a day older than 18.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109169 - Kaos King's
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109158 - Scourge's
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109156 - ghola's
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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