Working Together - The Ultimate Way To Destroy Morale And Crush Team Spirit (1242 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-06-14 05:36:04 EDT
"You've gotta be fucking kidding. Can't I just stay here?"
"Sorry, this isn't optional."
"But what's the point? We do this every year, and it's always the same old shit."
"It's good for morale."
"Morale? We deal with dead people. We couldn't be happier."
"It brings people closer together."
"So did the showers at Auschwitz, but people weren't exactly fucking chirpy about them."
"You're going. That's the final word."
Bollocks.
Every. Fucking. Year.
The annual 'Team Building Motivational Away Day'. The biggest crock of bullshit to have ever been churned out of the corporate slave machine - and that's saying something, coming from the people who brought you such innovations as 'feel-good grouping', 'dynamic demographics' and 'Intellexcersise - A Healthy Mind Is a Happy Mind.'
For some God forsaken reason, senior management feel the need to put their employees through a serious of tasks and activities designed to make us all work better as a team. Personally, I've got as close to my colleagues as I can stand, particularly Nasty Linda with her flaky scalp and scent of sloppy dog shit. But that isn't enough for the powers that be.
They want to see us working together in a field, in the middle of nowhere, trying to solve a puzzle involving three brown cows and a pile of horse crap, or pushing each other's asses up the side of a muddy slope.
Every. Fucking. Year......
We were told that transport would be provided, and we should come 'aiming for action, primed for performance and ready for adventure!!!'
I dug deep, and somehow managed to contain my enthusiasm.
Teams were made of people from different work areas, in order to 'maximise the potential for increased inter-departmental relations'. I wasn't quite sure what this meant, other than I would be spending the day with Blind Pete from Servicing; Anna, the alcoholic witch from Actuarials; and, surprise surprise, Nasty fucking Linda.
Once again, I had been screwed by the powers that be. I had been stuck with people who have bigger shoe sizes than I.Q's, and all the personality of a drowning hedgehog.
A special bus service had been put on for us - 'special' being the key word. When the coach pulled up, it was a bright blue monstrosity, with 'The Wigglybus!' written on the side in large, yellow letters.
I boarded the bus with my 'team' and covered my face up like an accused paedophile hiding his face from the media circus.
After an hours drive, we arrived at an outdoor activity centre. Each team was given a map, a compass, and a set of grid co-ordinates. The activity is explained.
Orienteering. Great.
I can't think of anything more pointless, or anything I would want to do less. Maybe sticking paperclips down my uretha until it bleeds.....maybe.
The teams set off in different directions. This was gonna be a long day.
Pete: "Don't worry guys, I've got this sorted. I figure we're right about here....."
I look at the map in my hands, and realise Pete is trying to read the list of grid co-ordinates like a map. I decide to leave him to it.
Linda: "Well, isn't this nice!"
Me: "What do you mean, 'nice'?"
Linda: "All of this!"
She waves her arms about, indicating the area around us.
Linda: "All this fresh air! Don't you just love being in the countryside?"
I didn't dignify the question with a response.
Anna: "Can we just fucking well get on with this? I'm fucking well supposed to be going out for a fucking drink tonight."
Finally, a practical suggestion.........
We pressed on, and by some sort of miracle, located two of the points on the map. It was only when we were half way to the third one that things got a little interesting.
Anna: "There's fucking sheep over there."
Linda: "What's wrong with sheep?"
Anna: "I fucking hate sheep. And they fucking well know it, the bastards. Look at all this shit everywhere. Let's just try and stay away from them. I fucking hate sheep."
Me: "Will you shut up. We gotta go over that fence. There should be a stream, we can use it to find our way. There's a stile over there."
Myself, Pete and Linda climbed over the stile with no problem. Anna, however had not really dressed for the occasion. A small summery dress may have been light and airy considering the heat, but not really the best option when you need to swing your leg over a fence.
Me: "For fuck's sake, hurry up."
Anna: "Turn around."
Me: "What are you on about? Just get over."
Anna: "I aint got no knickers on. Turn around you pervy fucker."
Me: "Don't worry. Pete can't see a thing anyway, and I've already seen your hen party photos...... baldy."
Anna: "You cheeky fucker! You fucking wait....."
She swung her leg high over the stile, baring her Kojak crutch for all to see.
Linda: "Anna, look out!"
Anna: "What?"
Sheep: "BAAAAAAAA!"
Anna: "Fuck!"
Several sheep had wandered up behind her while she had been putting off getting over the stile, and now one was bleating less than three feet behind her. The resulting shock caused her to lose her balance, and fall backward. As she did, the upright of the stile caught her dress, and completely ripped it up the side, as she fell to the ground, straight into a semi-fresh pile of droppings.
Three sheep crowded around her head as she opened her eyes.
Sheep: "BAAAAAAAA!"
Anna: "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"
As she lay there, screaming for help, more and more of the flock came over to see what the fuss was about. By the time she managed to get to her feet, there were at least dozen sheep surrounding her, and they seemed to be herding her back into the field.
Anna: "Don't just stand there, fucking help me!"
Me: "Just a sec."
Linda: "Put that phone away!"
Me: "Spoilsport. Just one pic..."
Not that there was anything particularly alluring about a naked woman covered in shit surrounded by sheep......... it's just you never know when you might get to see it again.
Anna: "Help me!"
Me: "Running all the way."
I casually stepped back over the stile and walked over to the sheep, who appeared to be trying to kidnap the strange screaming lady.
I managed to disperse a few of the larger sheep, and clear a path for Anna's escape.
You know that fantasy, where you're in a meadow, and a naked lady is bounding towards you through the lush, green pasture?
Well, it kinda loses its appeal when said naked lady is running at you, arms outstretched, screeching obscenities and has a big streak of sheep shit smeared up the side of her waist.
Anna: "You fucking bastard, I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fucking bastard!"
She grabbed me by the neck and began to shake.
Anna: "Get me the fuck out of this field, now!"
I led her back to the stile where she picked up the remains of her dress and wrapped it around herself.
Linda: "Are you alright?"
Anna: "Fuck. Off."
Pete: "Why don't you wash off in the stream? I'll hold your dress for you."
She gave him look that could sedate a hippo at a hundred yards. But as she didn't really have much choice she made her way down to the stream.
Anna: "You two turn the fuck around, now."
Me: "It's a bit late for - "
I decided to turn around and not finish the sentence.
Anna: "And if I hear you laugh again, I'll rip your fucking balls off. And if either of you breathe a fucking word to anyone........"
I bit my tongue and managed to hold back a chuckle at the irony of it all.
Well, they did say it would bring us closer together......and my morale couldn't get any better.
Maybe the day wasn't a complete waste after all.......
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-19 14:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2007-06-18 04:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-15 16:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You write some pretty funny stuff.
For a foreigner.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-15 16:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another for this...
Country loving at its best. There is no equal, no greater celebration of nature and the wonder of love. An arched back upon bent and flattened flowers, the tickle of grass blades between your bum as you move above her. The summer sun warming your shoulders and hitting her eyes to turn them an impossible shade of green. The wet touch of something on your balls and sliding up to your starfish. The chuff of hot breath. The realization that a stray dog is sniffing out your hole and there's not much you can do about it. Turning around to find it has an owner attached to the leash around its neck. The awkwardness of having him say "no go on, I'm enjoying myself."
O afternoon delight. O shameful and sniff-ass'd delight.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-15 16:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-06-15 07:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't make us do shit like this either. I think it's solely because they know that if they left us in a field with a map they'd never see us again. We'd either fuck off home or would make a bonfire and just stay where we started with the booze we snuck along.
Submitted by we_die_young (user info) at 2007-06-15 01:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just awesome.. haha.
Keep up the good work!
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-06-14 20:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this was a true story, than this my friends is what awesome is made of.
Is the drunk hot at all? Because frankly you could probably blackmail her into letting you tag it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tut tut Joey, i'm not seeing the proper spirit from you, you'd best smarten up, lest you get the sack.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chav.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-14 14:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAAAAAAAA
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-14 14:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just cracked one off to this.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-14 14:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
feel-good grouping?
Sounds kinky.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-14 13:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the "all ass" department, you are clearly one of the very best "kickers of".
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Country loving at its best. There is no equal, no greater celebration of nature and the wonder of love. An arched back upon bent and flattened flowers, the tickle of grass blades between your bum as you move above her. The summer sun warming your shoulders and hitting her eyes to turn them an impossible shade of green. The wet touch of something on your balls and sliding up to your starfish. The chuff of hot breath. The realization that a stray dog is sniffing out your hole and there's not much you can do about it. Turning around to find it has an owner attached to the leash around its neck. The awkwardness of having him say "no go on, I'm enjoying myself."
O afternoon delight. O shameful and sniff-ass'd delight.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good.
Well constructed, good use of dialogue, terrific imagery, and very funny.
It might be interesting if you took this protagonist of yours and gave him more detail and background so that you could string his adventures together in a longer fashion.
I know this is you, but I mean a more detailed representation of your alter-ego.
If you went back through some of these and added a few things and polished them a bit, it could almost be the chapters of a book.
Adventures in Actuarial Accounting, or something like that, if that's even what you do.
That's really what you need to put them together. More information on the protagonist so the reader can root for him.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-14 16:43:31 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have just shagged her in the muck and the mire while the sheep watched on.
The bleating, the moans, the smell of dirt and the wet-slop-grit fingernails streaking your back.
Country loving at its best
-------------
Beautiful imagery, right there.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have just shagged her in the muck and the mire while the sheep watched on.
The bleating, the moans, the smell of dirt and the wet-slop-grit fingernails streaking your back.
Country loving at its best.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i <3 u
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna see the picture of this chick....
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We got a bus painted with psychedelic patterns appropriately named "The Magic Bus". I couldn't get that song out of my head for the rest of the day.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-14 11:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5 years ago, we started this dept and there were 5 of us. Now we're over a hundred, and an occasional group lunch has turned into TWO DAYS of offsite meetings (last week, actually) PLUS a day of hula-hooping, shuttle running, jump roping team building.
Note to self: Always pay attention when you're the leader in the blind walk so that lady doesn't fall down some steps again.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sleep deprived below
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, JG!
glad you made time to write this, ya busy B :)
baaaaaaaaaaaa!*
*that's a sheep
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhhh...
Good stuff.
I wish I worked so close to a bar.
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-14 09:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So did the showers at Auschwitz, but people weren't exactly fucking chirpy about them."
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-14 09:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-06-14 08:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-06-14 08:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-14 08:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Elephant walking proprietor of sperm gargling, below('s the bell end).
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-06-14 08:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alcoholic mansniffer below.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-14 08:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny enough. Series vs. serious.
Oh, and Hilarity made an impromptu sexual advance...
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-14 07:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-06-14 07:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She swung her leg high over the stile, baring her Kojak crutch for all to see.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-14 07:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would think im the hardest person to motivate in the universe. Money, success do not appeal to me greatly.
It really just depends how I feel.
That makes me sad doesn't it....
To be honest I value my family far more than anything in the world. I have often thought if I would sacrifice myself for my a member of my family, of course I would.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-14 06:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too muuuuuch for the wigglybus!
you kill me, man
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-06-14 06:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anything coroprate makes me want to vomit. Its sad when you realise Dilbert is just facts rather than humour.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-14 06:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-14 10:56:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
My company has never sent me on one of these 'Motivational' days; they seem to be much more pragmatic and just send us all down the pub
-------
If we were to go to the pub it wouldn't be so much a 'motivational' day, but more of a 'normal' day. It's their own fault for choosing an office location less than 30 yards from the nearest bar.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-14 06:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She gave him look that could sedate a hippo at a hundred yards."
Oh, that's good...
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My company has never sent me on one of these 'Motivational' days; they seem to be much more pragmatic and just send us all down the pub.
I am trying to figure out which method I prefer. I mean I feel pretty motivated at the moment; or it could just be pissed.
Mind you for a motivated person I am spending a wee bit too much time on Uber; so maybe, just maybe, I'm not motivated at all.
Christ I'm hungry.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure there is some fetish about Naked women covered in shit; but I don't really want to find it.
I love the way the sheep gets to add to the conversation. Baaaaaa
Submitted by pobz (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here's one more, for good measure
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry that was supposed to be a plus 2
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-06-14 05:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment