strippers are dead inside (694 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.02 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by briokid666.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2007-06-14 12:09:35 EDT
"Strippers are people too, naked people who are willing perform sexual favors for a price to be negotiated behind the curtain of the VIP."-Peter Griffin
The Exotic Dancer.
I've been to my share of skin bars, mostly against my will. When I was in my strip joint phase I was almost always broke, so I got a bad impression of them. After earning some decent throw-away money and visiting a couple, I realized that strip clubs a an endless form of entertainment, but only if you have the cash to keep the dancers paying attention to you. Not for the sexual favors, but for the constant barrage of extreme personalities. Strippers are great fun. Some of them do hard drugs, some of them are drunk at work, some of them are pregnant, and some of them are going to school to be engineers. They are human beings in transit, so they all have a story to tell. Even the rare lifer has seen some shit in her time. Either way, great conversation is right around the corner at your local titty bar. Just make sure you bring money, and look out for these types-
The Meth-Head : Characterized by deep dark eye sockets, fidgeting, and desperately laughing at jokes that aren't funny. These are the girls you ask,"You don't look so good, you okay?" and she cackles loudly and almost starts to cry. They tend not to practice good hygeine, but are willing to knock off that extra ten bucks for the VIP visit. The biggest problem with a crackhead stripper is the inherent guilt you will feel for getting a bargain blowjob because she needs to score a rock. Plus, she might actually begin to cry at some point, and who needs that? Remember, you came to see body parts being flaunted openly, not a case study. DO NOT take this one home, she'll end up using your cell phone to call her dealer/boyfriend/pimp, trying to steal your stuff, or the worst-she might OD in your bathroom. Cops, hospitals, and strippers are three entities that need never meet.
The Overweight Stripper : Every creature on God's green earth serves its purpose. The fatty stripper is no different. Something that women don't seem to get is that men don't want them to be skinny and tall and blonde. I mean, some do, but the vast majority crave variety. Having your table danced upon by The Overweight Stripper is like eating pancakes for dinner-there's something so fundamentally skewed about it that it becomes extremely desirable. Big girls tend not to be junkies either, so you can rest assured that any afterhours partying won't be ruined by a big sack of heroin or a visit from the police. The stripper is a natural enemy of the police, since their profession is dangerously close to prostitution. Another thing I've noticed about BBW strippers is that they can manhandle a bottle of parrot bay in minutes, so you gotta make sure you have some mean hooch at the house if you want the party to last more than an hour.
The Preggo : Pregnant strippers should be avoided at all costs, inside the club and out. Don't encourage them, that shit's just sad. I feel bad just bringing it up here. C'mon, man, she's fucking PREGNANT.
The Lifer : You can pick these out of a stadium crowd. They're the 40-something with the sequined purse that's too small for a pack of cigarettes and the sparkly pink shirt that says "Slut" in rhinestones. She still wears that jean jacket her boyfriend bought her after the Poison concert in '87, and her makeup looks like she had a seizure halfway through its application. Plastic surgery and fake tanning have transformed her face into a brown paper bag with a layer of varnish on it. She'll chain smoke while giving you a lapdance, and her music of choice for her stage dance is invariably AC/DC. She had a coke problem a while back, but she'll swear she's been clean for years. The major advantage of chilling with a lifer inside the club is that the bartender got her knocked up a few years ago, so he owes her. Cheap to free drinks almost always ensue with the lifer. Plus, the Lifer never seems to keep up with inflation rates, so you can tip her less. Bringing the Lifer home is a gamble. A good hint is to find out how old her daughter is. If her offspring is a dancer in the same club, you've hit after-party paydirt.
The Cute Barely Legal Blonde With Pigtails and She Dances to a Killer Song and She Doesn't Have a Drug Problem : Be very careful. These are prime candidates for dormant STDs.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2008-01-29 00:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-06-15 06:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I now want to go to a srip club.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-06-15 05:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love.
It had been a while.
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.
I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."
Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern,
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask
as I do my little kooky dance.
And then she told me to shush.
I guess she could sense my desperation.
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-06-15 00:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strippers are dead inside... my trunk.
Now I'm going to read this. Excuse me.
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-14 20:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, not completely hated, nice.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you get a +2 solely for pissing off all thos eother pussies
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-14 19:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure about all the hate.
Guess you must have pissed some people off...
Not me however, and I chuckled a couple of times at this.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-14 18:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm confused as to why you are so hated.
This was better than a photo of a teen bitch who wants attention.
Surely?
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-06-14 17:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is worse than utter shit.
You do anything other than lists, Letterman?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-06-14 13:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTyw6cq86kY
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-14 13:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
pithy, unique observations.
well done!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-14 13:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Strippers are often surprisingly disappointing in the sack-I got a bad case of the scorch from one named "Destiny" when I was 21, which isn't funny at all. -2 for being mediocre instead of terrible.
----------
IN SOVIET STRIP CLUB, YOU DON'T FUCK DESTINY; DESTINY FUCKS YOU!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Man this dude is a twat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What part of "you fucking stink" aren't you comprehending, Pedro?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You broke the one post per day rule.... so that should get you -2, however I laughed my fuckin ass off over this.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
strippers like pp;s
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Strippers are often surprisingly disappointing in the sack-I got a bad case of the scorch from one named "Destiny" when I was 21, which isn't funny at all. -2 for being mediocre instead of terrible.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One per day you fucking prick.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucked a stripper once. It was a big let-down.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One per day you fucking prick.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to send this to my ex, who coincidentally was a stripper. This wasn't great or bad.
A solid 0, worth reading.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One per day you fucking prick.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-14 12:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109232
Apparently you don't.