Being Matchstick Man (605 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.91 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matchstick Man <rarwrawrw> (View user info) at 2007-06-17 04:02:17 EDT
I wrote this in what is possibly the best insomniac trance I've had since http://www.ubersite.com/m/36907, 3 years ago. I write my best prose when I'm sleep-deprived, and this time is golden. I've been up for about 21 hours so far, last time I was only up for about 17. This one isn't as angry and sarcastic as the last one, it's more of a cynical and depressed introspective, but I think it still came out OK as far as prose goes. Hit me with +2s if you like kids with no forseeable futures.
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This is my life. It's pointless to continue talking about it, but it's also futile to try to sleep right now. Hopefully, talking about my depressing excuse for an existence will help me become tired and drive me to bed. Either that, or I'll hang myself before the sun comes up. Woo, decisions.
Maybe you're wondering why I'm so depressed. You're still a super hot female, you're saying, you've got your million dollar contract! Well, I'm not that impressive looking, and I'm a guy. Also, I never had a million dollar contract, and I'm not Gwen Stefani. I've got very little. I'm 18, and just graduated from high school. My parents decided it would probably be best if I went to a private school so that I could actually get a diploma, instead of wasting away in public school and getting a 1.1, and then being told late in my senior year that I wouldn't be getting one. I went to an all-male boarding school in Ohio, and received an honors diploma. I'm headed off to college in the fall, to Ball State University, to study Telecommunications. Not the best college, and not the best major, but it works, and that's all that matters. Stuff working. Well, I don't. I don't have a job, and the only money I have to spend on horrendously overpriced gas is my graduation stash. Depressing enough yet? Just wait. It gets worse.
I play guitar and sing for a loose association of musicians that can be referred to as a band in a loose sense. We're called Slamma Jamma, because that's how we beat Shaq. Anyhow, the clever young man who came up with that name just quit. He told me that he had other, more important things to do this summer, and that he wouldn't be able to put in nearly as much effort as he has in the past. Will was a good kid. He was clever, a good musician, an amazing singer and he was what held us together. He was the only one with any ambition. Now he's gone, and it's likely that Slamma Jamma is gone too. I won't know until the we get back together on Monday. This is a major blow to my system, because I was counting on this as a way to escape the blahs of not having any friends.
Oi, it's not as if I don't have any friends. It's just that only one of them lives in my town. His name's John, and I've known him since we were 10. He's also the only man alive that I'd trust with my life. However, he happens to have a life outside of me, so I run into a problem. Ennui. That's easy enough to explain, so I'll go on about no friendsing. I used to have friends. They used to be fun to hang out with, they used to be cool people, and they used to do stuff all the time. Now, they're frigid. They don't talk to me. They don't return my calls, they don't answer me on IM, they don't acknowledge my existence. I don't know whether it was me or them who changed, but something did, and now I'm alone. Then again, I always was.
Before I left for the penis kingdom, I had always pretended to be something I wasn't. I always tried my best to fit in somewhere, often failing. At public school, I had gone through phases as a cool kid, a not-so-cool kid, a band geek, a prep, just about everything that doesn't involve being a wigger. I never got that desperate for attention. I never quite understood who I was until I was with people who were in the exact same situation as me. At boarding school, I realized that it was OK to let down my defenses and be a person who was really me. I figured out who I was, and who I am now has followed suit. Maybe that's why my old "friends" don't like me anymore; I'm not trying nearly as hard to be exactly like them.
Now that you've heard the depressing part, how'd you like to hear the even more depressing part?
All my life I've had terrible relationships with girls because I don't have any stones when it comes to relationships. In any other area, sure. I have balls like a horse. I'm sort of an adrenaline junkie, actually. I drive my little 4-cylinder car up to the redline, going about a buck ten down tiny little country roads at 1am with my headlights off. But I've never been adjusted to a proper man-woman relationship. It's always been too fast or too slow for me (usually too fast, my two most notable girlfriends were total whores as it were) to deal with, and so the relationship fell apart based on me not wanting to do what my partner did.
So now, here I am, looking at two girls who have, at the same time, realized that maybe I'm not just chopped liver. There's the one girl, the high school sweetheart girl. I met her in 9th grade, and she's always been everything I could want in a girl. She's a cute little blonde thing, and she's funny and just as spontaneous as I am. She's a good girl, and she's been out of my life forever, and just recently come back into it. There's another one. This girl that I met because of a wrong number, who happens to be amazing. She's three years younger than me, but it's not as if I'd be jumping her bones anytime soon. She happens to be another cute little blonde thing, but she's even littler. The rub is, I haven't actually met her. She lives pretty close to me, but I was at boarding school for the first 2 or 3 months I knew her, and once I got home, she left for a trip to visit her grandparents out of state almost immediately. She gets back next week.
Essentially, there are two amazing girls in my life, and I am hopelessly in love with both, and having to choose is tearing me apart. Basically.
As time goes on, and more of this shit happens, I'm left with the grim reality of what's next for my life. Hopelessness, and inevitability. I'm destined to be just like everyone else. I'm not special, even though everyone always told me I was. I'm never going to amount to anything because I just don't have any ambition. I'm never going to get lucky because even that requires a little bit of effort. Shit, I've had the opportunity of a lifetime dropped into my lap before and not taken it. Why do I deserve another chance?
Hope you've enjoyed this. I'm going to bed.
BTW: Lesbians.
User Reviews
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are plenty of years ahead for you to unfuck your life, fuck it up again and attempt to unfuck it multiple times over.
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Pure class.
Yeah, I know I do have a lot going for me. It's just difficult for me to see past what I've never seen before. I've always been in a place where there was way too much to do and I spent all my time doing nothing, and now I'm at a spot in my life where there's absolutely nothing to do and I have no more nothing to do to fill up all my free time. THAT is the most depressing part. I feel completely useless now.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-18 14:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn youngblood, keep the chin up, it'll all work out
im not saying you're gonna be a millionaire or a rockstar cause you wont, but shit man theres better things in life then bitches and money.....
theres jack daniels
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are plenty of years ahead for you to unfuck your life, fuck it up again and attempt to unfuck it multiple times over.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2007-06-17 16:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congrats. I didn't write this for your sympathy. I'm working on my prose, and insomniac stream-of-consciousness happens to be my thing. This was what was on my mind.
Had you caught me any other night, I might have been able to write you a story about my notorious cousin Mentor, my exploits with the Pirates, or cow tipping at boarding school. Sorry you got me on a rather depressed night. Shit happens.
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Oh, I'm sorry -- you don't seem to realize that regardless of whether or not you're working on prose and this kind of post "happens to be your thing" it STILL reads like 'oh, pity me!' whining. And I'm not sure I said, anywhere, that I had any sort of sympathy for you.
Anyway, though.
Kitties. Whoo.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-18 08:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for an honest, very readable post. -1 for acting like you have a whole lot of problems, when the most terrible thing you mentioned is slightly depressing, at worst. When I was around your age (and Christ, I'm only 26 and talking like an old fucker), I was pretty fuckin' depressed too, but {hopefully) you'll eventually realize that having a roof over your head and food to eat puts you in a much better position than a LOT of people in this world. Do some thinking, figure out what it is you really want. Getting your priorities straight mentally can help a lot with this sort of thing.
Honestly, I have even worse luck with the ladies than you seem to be having, and it's pretty much the only thing I worry about, but I've learned not to let it bother me because there is so much else to experience. I'm gonna cut this off 'cause I'm probably drunk and rambling at this point.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-17 19:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
like what everyone else said. you're only 18 pfffft....
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2007-06-17 16:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-17 15:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Okay buds, I'm the same age as you, I've just graduated from that terrible beast that is public schooling, and due to circumstances I'm living in a stupid little down an hour or more away from anyone who's ever cared about me, ever.
Despite all that, this STILL reads like, 'blah blah blah i'm emo, blah blah i've got no future, blah blah the real world sucks blah blah paedophile blah blah my life is pointless because i'm so young and hopeless and my future is a bleak swirling cesspool of desvastating reality'.
Jesus. Shut up.
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Congrats. I didn't write this for your sympathy. I'm working on my prose, and insomniac stream-of-consciousness happens to be my thing. This was what was on my mind.
Had you caught me any other night, I might have been able to write you a story about my notorious cousin Mentor, my exploits with the Pirates, or cow tipping at boarding school. Sorry you got me on a rather depressed night. Shit happens.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-06-17 16:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
dude, seriously, you're 18! your problem is simple: angst. in a couple of years you'll grow out of it
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-17 15:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Okay buds, I'm the same age as you, I've just graduated from that terrible beast that is public schooling, and due to circumstances I'm living in a stupid little down an hour or more away from anyone who's ever cared about me, ever.
Despite all that, this STILL reads like, 'blah blah blah i'm emo, blah blah i've got no future, blah blah the real world sucks blah blah paedophile blah blah my life is pointless because i'm so young and hopeless and my future is a bleak swirling cesspool of desvastating reality'.
Jesus. Shut up.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-17 13:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buck ten in a 4 cyl with no headlights on at night isn't a display of balls, it's manifest stupidity. You suck with women cuz you have no confidence. Start workin out. In a few months teh chicks will be all up ons. You will feel better this way. Get some self help books, too.
Once you all buff, and teh chicks all up ons, and the books have self helped you, you won't do stupid things to prove stuff. You won't feel the need to prove stuff cuz you'll just be bad and you know it and everyone else will know this. I was in your shoes at 18. Then I started workin out. My shoes are hella better than your shoes. Try on some of my shoes, you'll dig em.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-06-17 12:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but this bit makes me think you may be the next local poster boy for MADD.
"I drive my little 4-cylinder car up to the redline, going about a buck ten down tiny little country roads at 1am with my headlights off."
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-17 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-17 11:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2007-06-17 08:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80000
Don't mean to depress you even more, but you sound awfully like me.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-17 05:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
graduation stash. I took off a point for this. You wanna know what I got for my good results at our High School equivelent?
A slap round the back of the head for not getting A* in every single subject. Apparently only getting A* in most subjects isn't good enough.
If you want money, go bloody well earn it like evryone else.
You sound like a sound enough guy, but you really need to grow up.
Meet the second girl first and then decide.
Have you concidered working away for a summer. Go meet some new people and do some new things.
I did enjoy reading your post.
Now go get me some ice cream, my hangover is peaking.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-17 04:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're only 18. I remember feeling a bit like this then. Life gets better. Without trying to sound patronising, as you get older you change SO much and you start to make decisiuons that change your life. Some for the better, some not. Either way you will probably get more right than you get wrong. Neither of these girls will likely be 'the one' - you're way to young for that. So enjoy yourself and try not to take everything so seriously.
I'm twice your age and I'm NOW extremly happy. It can take years.. but go with the flow.
I think you're an ok dude.