Life Lessons: Women and 'Being the Nice Guy' (895 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.56 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2007-06-17 20:54:55 EDT
We've all heard the saying, you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. you teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime.
I did some thinking randomly while I was shooting pool the other day, and I made a version for women.
you give a woman a fish, she'll come to you the next day asking for another one. the next day, she'll act all innocent, but you'll give her one anyway, because you feel bad because she's a woman and women can't catch fish. she'll continue to come back, each time demanding more and more fish. soon, you'll have to go way out of your way to catch all these fuckin' fish, because you're like "jesus, she's pretty cute and i'm like 43% sure she likes me, but that's enough of a chance because i won 20$ on a lottery ticket last week and that had lower odds than 43%".
so you keep giving this chick fish, and eventually she decides that she wants to be with you. you know what you need now? you've gotta come up with some butter and herbs and shit and make that fish damn tasty. keep in mind now that all of your efforts are futile, because the fuckin' fish will NEVER EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER, and you could literally hijack the fucking titanic filled with fish and she'd reply, "well, great.. but do you have enough herbs to make all that fish perfect for me because i'm a female and i crave sucking the life out of you?", and of course, you thought ahead and you're already managing a farm that grows herbs in louisiana, so you reply 'yes, of course honey. you'll get the fish and it will be tasty as ever.' at this point there's a good chance you also haven't had sex in a long time, but this isn't true in all cases.
years later of giving this chick like, a fuck load of fish, you'll get pretty comfortable with this lass [assuming you dig chicks who constantly reek of fish], so you'll figure she can appreciate you enough for who you are and not just because you are a man of great skill, so you start to slack ass a bit and maybe you don't sprinkle pepper on this fish. then when you go to give her the fish she'll look at you kinda weird like, "oh my god, what's his problem? i better tell all of my overly interested girlfriends about how i'm underappreciated and treated poorly, and pronto".
well now she starts getting tense every time you give her the fish and keeps bitching at you cause you're not trying hard enough. naturally, you'll be a big fag about it because hey, you're a guy trying to impress a fine lady, and to be realistic, the connection between your crotch and your testicles have already been severed for a good amount of time.
some time later, every time you give her the fish, she'll turn it down and have like, spaghetti instead because it's not good enough for her. you'll do everything you possibly can to make the most juicy, flavorful, amazing fish. you'll travel all the lands and the most quality spots to fish to make her as happy as you can, but it will never be good enough.
at this point, take a moment to reflect back to the point in your life [where you weren't fishing 24/7 and actually enjoyed life and had at least a respectable amount of sanity left] when you only had to fish when you were hungry, and you only had to take care of yourself.
now you should make an important decision. a life of torture, or the easy way out.
is it that hard of a decision?
pick up the gun, and pull the trigger.
while you're aiming it at that fucking bitch.
and that's just my way of venting.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-10-26 09:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-06-18 14:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Based on this post, my guess is you've never given any woman your fish.
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im rofling
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-10-26 09:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-18 15:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is where the fish-slapping dance comes in handy
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-18 14:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Terrible.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-06-18 14:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Based on this post, my guess is you've never given any woman your fish.
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im rofling
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe eventually you'll actually advance to the point of actually walking up to one of these females you've heard about and striking up a conversation. Until then just keep over on the boys side of the junior high sock hop pretending that you're too cool for all that dating stuff anyway.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Clearly, I have, because if I hadn't, my post would have been blank.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Based on this post, my guess is you've never given any woman your fish.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-18 13:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Brafumbler.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-06-18 11:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
are you 12?
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-06-18 10:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Women are fucking impossible to please.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-18 06:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-17 20:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You better get to bed slugger, or you're gonna miss the school bus in the morning.
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Given the content of your last post and the obvious inexperience of this one, it's clear you're not in a position to pass on knowledge. Welcome to Uber, now go read a while.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-18 06:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell her to eat her own damn fish (which she undoubtably has from eating all of your fish).
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-18 05:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Simple.
Just dont give her the stinking fish in the first place. Let her fend for herself, and she'll become a skilled hunter.
Then, you go and shoot deer together.
You can then enjoy fancy home cooked venison recipes (whichshe cooks) or venison steaks on the bbq (which you cook)
Everyone's a winner.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2007-06-18 04:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your namesake, the only good thing to come out of canada, nice.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-18 04:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good rant.
But REAL women aren't like that at all.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-18 01:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a loser. Bitch can get her own fish, but why bother when some loser will give them to her for a shot at her cooch? Bitch wanna man eatin his own fish, n lookin damn fine doin it. Lift some weights n you wont be tradin fish for poon no mo.
I'm in a good mood though, cuz I got laid a few days ago, and I got a hotter lay comin tomorrow. So +2 yo pathetic ass.
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2007-06-18 01:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think, maybe, if everyone who's +2'd you so far pooled our cash, we might be able to afford your therapy.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-06-18 01:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109325#2445098
Lol... Good old Scott. We don't talk much anymore, which is a shame 'cause he's a huge Rand fan like me now. Damn you Neil Peart!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-18 01:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Geddy, i'm gonna come see you in july. It'll be tubular.
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Meeee toooooooo
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dislike Rush imensly.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I rememberish you. You're that guy from that one time. Yea!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
schools out for summer, numbnuts
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ONE A DAY
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality. Take note, bitches. You're on notice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is it that anyone who names themselves after a member of Rush seems slightly retarded?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-17 22:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Geddy, i'm gonna come see you in july. It'll be tubular.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The analogy is a little strained, my dear, but not entirely inconceivable.
I impart to you the wisdom of a certain sage: "Bitches ain't nothing but hoes and tricks, lick on these balls and suck the dick."
Also, LOL @ the "chicks who constantly reek of fish" line. Clever stuff.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol, hey, aren't you supossed to be on tour?
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was giggling the whole way through this.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-06-17 21:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, there was a flatfish/flounder episode of 'good eats' on the food network the other day...check it out and serve that shit to your ho. im sure she'll like it
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-17 20:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You better get to bed slugger, or you're gonna miss the school bus in the morning.