The ultimate squish (495 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.15 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <runamukus> (View user info) at 2007-06-18 09:24:41 EDT
A long time ago, when I was a feisty little shit, I actually thought I was invincible. I had my fights with the other boys and always came out on top. I guess I watched too much karate kid and war movies because I would kick the bloody snot out them. Anyhow, this is a description of my lesson learned that I was NOT invincible and that I would get the most different ass whippin' of all time.
So, my fellow opponent, was actually a chicken shit, brought his friend along to do the fighting for him. Take in mind; this is back in elementary school, when the big kids weighed around 100 lbs. I was one of those big kids, weighed in at a whopping 98 lbs. This monster that my fellow opponent brought with him was close to 300 lbs! I'm not exaggerating, I think he flunked a few grades and his momma must have fed him every form of trans fat known to man. His blubberish lard of a stomach fell outside of his shirt and hung below his beltline. And thinking of his shirt, he had the sleeves cut open so his massive jello-wobbling arms could go through the openings of the shirt. Even the neck of the shirt was cut into a V shape so his, what I was assuming was a neck, could fit through. His legs bulged out so badly that he was not wearing pants, no, he had to wear his gym shorts from school and we were outside and it was winter! I think the behemoth of a lard ass never took a shower in his life for the stench of him made me dizzy. Even my friends kept their distance because of the smell.
Me: "this is between me and that little ant shit behind you"
Monster: "he is my fwiend, if you want ta get 'em you gotsa get tru meh farst"
Now my buddies were like, "you can take him, do it, kick his fat ass"
Taking into the fact that if I actually did kick his fat ass, my foot would disappear into a portion of his ass cheek. Yes I said a PORTION of his ass cheek because he was that fat. So with the chanting of my young patrons, I thought, what the heck, I'll just drop kick him in the chest and he'll fall like a ton of bricks. I took a running start, jumped, pushed my feet out and hit a blubbery wall of fat. My feet felt like they sunk into the stay puff marshmallow man. I fell to the ground, befuddle, bewildered and thinking, that has gotta hurt him. When I got back up on my two feet, there he stood, with this huge monstrous, slimy drooling of a grin on his face. For a second there I thought he wanted to eat me for dinner and that gave me a bit of a scare.
Again I took a few steps back and did another jump kick, with the feeling that my feet just sunk into a standing waterbed. I fell to the ground, and to my astonishment, his massive blubberish dinosaur of a foot stepped on my back and pushed me right back into the ground. I lay flat on my stomach, face down in the cold dirt and grass. I couldn't move. I was pinned by the sheer weight of his jiggling leg. Then, he did something that I was not expecting at all. He swung around and sat on my back. I could feel the fat ass checks, spreading all over my back, covering my whole backside of my body, as if each ass cheek were the blob. That wasn't the bad part, remember when I said he never took a shower? Fuck. I thought I was going to die from the stench of his shit crusted ass crack. The sad part was, he didn't put all of his weight down on me, so I could breath his dingle-berry infected ass. The fumes coulda peeled paint off of walls. Right then and there I knew that my sense of smell has been dulled, today I can stand next to a sewage plant and think I smell roses. But back to me, with a huge, stench ridden, blob of a land whale sitting on top of me. The thing had its fun and decided to give me all he had. By giving me all he had, it meant that he was going to fully sit on me. I could feel the weight of his gelatin ass crushing down on my spine. I could feel, through his gym shorts, the disgusting dried up dingle-berries grinding into my skin. The worse part was, all the air in my lungs literally hissed out of my throat. I look up, with what strength I had left, over to my friends. They must have seen the terror in my eyes, or my face was turning blue because they noticed it was time for them to intervene. All three of them pushed and shove him, trying to rock his fat ass off of my back. Each time they shoved him, he would rock back and forth, as I was grinding into the earth. Finally they shoved 'stay-puff' backwards and he fell off of me and onto his back. I couldn't just spring up off the ground because my back was the now the shape of his ass crack. It was the most horrible experience I ever had in my young life. I just wanted to go home and inflate my body. While I was laying on the ground, the chicken shit that I was really supposed to fight came over and got in my face.
Chicken shit: "so that'll teach you to neva mess wit me!"
Me: "wheeeeeeze"
Chicken shit: "what's the matter? You can't breath? AHAAHAAHA!"
Me: "....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit"
Chicken shit and his walrus friend waddled off into the sunset, victorious over me, the now, not so invincible kid. My friends asked me if I was okay, keeping a tolerable distance from me because of the skid marks the fat bastard left on my back made me reek like a used toilet paper. I went home and took a two hour bath, wishing I had the sense to not fight someone a gazillion times my size.
I cried out: "MOM! Where is the wire brush!"
User Reviews
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-19 09:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice first post, break up the big chunks of text a bit and you've got yourself an uberite.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-19 09:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-19 07:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First post
But...
See how I break this up into segments.
Makes it easier to read.
Now you try.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-18 20:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit man first post, my bad
im an asshole
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-18 19:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hard to read. but I still read it and liked.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-18 16:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nope, not this time
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-18 12:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't ever do that again, or I will fnd a fat person willing to eat you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-18 11:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BRET FUCKS GOATS
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-18 11:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
MINE EYES.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-18 11:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
opps
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-18 11:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That last paragraph was great.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-18 10:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 first post that didn\'t suck too many balls
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-06-18 09:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty good story, way too much concentration on the depth of that kids fat ass. Made me want to throw up, but since I'm at work, I had to swallow it. Damn you!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-18 09:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You fought Bret? Thats more that Shlongy did.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-18 09:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny but practically unreadable. English is your friend - embrace it.