An open letter to the united states government and its affiliates (300 hits)
Category: SportsRating: -1.09 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by briokid666.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2007-06-18 21:33:37 EDT
An open letter to the united states government and its affiliates
Dear Sirs (as you are regretfully mostly dying white men),
I would like to thank you for the following:
Thank you for computers, which insure that I will never have to know
how to spell or interact in real life situations.
Thank you for laws, especially the ones that keep skateboarders off the
streets and safely in the clutches of boredom.
Thank you for drugs, I could not be bored without them.
Thank you for funding the war against drugs, your hypocrisy is
awe-inspiring.
Thank you for a beautifully tacky flag.
Thank you for killing the following people-Buddy Holly, JFK, Martin
Luther King, Gandhi, Roberto Clemente, Brad Nowell, Superman, and the
Dodo. Their unique visions were too beautiful for me to grasp.
Thank you for not killing the following people- Ronald
McDonald, Micheal Jackson, George Bush and his offspring, Carrot Top,
Micheal Eisner, Bill Gates, and all the other great warriors who
protect our right to be as mediocre as we want to be.
Thank you for professional sports, I did not realize how important
stadiums could be for a city's survival.
Thanks also for taking away the stadiums called "Astrodome" and "The Great American Ballpark,"
And replacing them with monstrosities named after tampons and tire companies.
Thank you for Television, and the distraction it provides.
Thank you for making a basic-cable, half-hour, mock news program more trustworthy than thirty-year veterans of broadcasting and journalism.
Thank you for not telling me what you are up to-as an American, I want
the truth to be filtered through spin doctors and prime-time, Emmy
Award-winning shows about your doings.
Thank you for the pride you have infused in me, I couldn't feel weird
about homosexuals without it.
Thank you for homosexuals, and the other scapegoats that come a dime a
dozen.
Thank you for telling my grandmother not to trust her immigrant
housekeeper.
Thank you for not letting the Mexicans cross my border, unless they are
working on your lawn.
Thank you for the ATF, who taught me that I can smoke and drink and
kill all I want, as long as I am old enough to know when to start destroying
everything.
Thank you for the FBI, whose incompetence constantly reminds me how tiny
my fuck-ups are.
Thank you for the CIA, and for the souls they have secretly released
into the void thus far.
Thank you for The United States military, which will always insure that those of us in the lowest tax brackets have a last resort.
Also, may I suggest a draft which only affects those in the higher brackets? They seem bored to me.
Thank you for the illusion of democracy, I sleep better at night
knowing I can vote, but don't have to.
Thank you for selling me constantly, and for letting me sell myself if I choose.
Thank you for not caring about me, I'm sure you have more important
things to do.
Thank you for raping my forests, blackening my waters, and laying down
Wal-marts on my open fields.
Thank you for convincing me that a nation's strength is proven by it's
dollar value, and for subsequently ruining the job market until all I have left is the last resort mentioned earlier.
Thank you for your police, who are too corrupt to bother with me
anymore.
Thank you for my mother's pain, for giving her a job in a criminal
justice system in which justice doesn't need to be served. It makes her
job simpler.
Thank you for feeding my father the correct assortment of chemicals so
that he won't have to feel the pain.
Thank you for not paying my sister enough, and for making her work so
hard.
Thank you for regret
Thank you for decency.
Thank you for repression.
Thank you for hygiene
Thank you for Parental advisory stickers.
Thank you for telling me what to think.
Thanks for nothing.
Sincerely,
A gainfully employed soldier ant.
User Reviews
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-19 01:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're right, I've never been out of the country, never spent a year in downtown Baghdad or nothin'. I'm just a fucking kid.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-06-19 01:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should thank God for all these things.
From the little snippets of this shit that I read, I notice you didn't even give "it" a mention.
How un-American of you.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-06-19 00:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aide: Excuse me sir, but word is coming in that we've received an open letter.
President: Who is it from?
Aide: It appears to be from a ... briokid666.at.hotmail.com.
President: Good Lord, bring it here immediately! Johnson, cancel my appointment with the ambassador, I must attend to this at once!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-06-18 23:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2007-06-18 23:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A few good points, but I can't, in all honesty, give a rant as uncreative as this one a +2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I have an answer for you. You need a specific job.
You'll be working directly with the prisioner exchange program. That's the one where we exchange current POW's who were captured, for those like yourself.
You'd love it. You'll get to travel and see the world. You'll be exposed to new cultures and people, along with the customs which go along with it.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Some good points, some bad. +2 + (-2) = 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
chill out kid, this country fucking rules
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
See? LisaD has it right.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some good points.
Submitted by LisaD (user info) at 2007-06-18 22:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-06-18 21:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank you for laws, especially the ones that keep skateboarders off the
streets and safely in the clutches of boredom
---
This -2 is for your teen, angsty cliche shit.
You are an embarassment to Americans and skaters everywhere.
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-18 21:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
will do, boss.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-18 21:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you don't like the planet as it is, change it or leave. Complaining solves nothing.