I Met Her at Alcoholics Anonymous (2421 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 96 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by charminglybeef (View user info) at 2007-06-20 01:27:13 EDT
I met her at Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was rough, but in a handsome way I like to think. And of course charming. For I had been drinking Wolf Blass Yellow Label Cab and not eating dinner.
"Nothing like a good meal to kill a good buzz," I told the group, to a mixture of laughter and scowl.
I wore a black dress shirt with the collar popped and ripped jeans. It made me look wealthy and aloof. Or so I thought. And it matched my dirty black hair that spiked and hung all at once -- which matched the dirty black circles beneath my green eyes.
She -- she wore slick black heels and a skirt with the belt in a place a belt should never be and I knew her wardrobe not only looked expensive, but it was.
To me, and to anyone else with a testicle of taste, we were the only two cadavers in the room.
"Nothing like a little posturing to get us all sitting up straight," she said, and slid with a grin down the back of her chair.
I glared. And wanted sorely to fuck the shit out of her, while alternating glubs of scotch between my lips and our genitalia. I wanted to violate her with liquor as the lube. Both figuratively and literally.
And I was in an AA meeting.
"Holy shit I belong here," I mused aloud.
"And what do you mean by that, Jason?" inquired the sponsor.
I looked at the source of the voice; snapped from my dream for but a moment. "Because I was just dreaming of covering my dick with whiskey and sticking it in that fine piece of ace right there," and I raised an eyebrow to the girl I would momentarily fuck with my dick covered in whiskey. The group recoiled in lust and horror.
She stood up and grabbed my hand and we got in her Jag and drove to the liquour store.
"So why do you go?" she asked -- head heavy on my chest and breathing similar. She smelled fantastic. The way women smell when they're drunk.
"Because I find myself far too fond of getting loser drunk."
She dug her nails into my ribs. I wanted to squeal.
"And why do you go?" I asked.
"Because if I didn't I'd just keep doing this."
"And what's so bad about this?" I asked, digging my fingers into her armpits.
"You don't mean that!" she squealed.
"Nope." And we both exhaled, at the same time tightening our arms around the other.
"So are you serious about stopping?" she asked.
"Yes," I said in earnest. "And you?"
"Yes," she said.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Elisabeth," she said.
"Elisabeth--"
"Yes?"
I paused dramatically. "I love you."
"I love you too, Jason," she said without hesitation.
"Shall we marry then?" I said, pushing my thigh between her legs and pressing it hard to her crotch.
"I think we'd be foolish not to," and she writhed against it, kissing me softly, but deep and heavy.
Two months later, her having met my brother and friends and met their approval and me having met no one... we were married. Elisabeth dressed elegantly and on her dollar, and me similarly.
She was rich. And by association, so was I.
The wedding was as uneventful and as without in-laws as anyone could have ever hoped, the exception being a middle-aged man running in and pulling my new wife by the elbow into a doorway and then making her cry and then being chased out by me.
"What was that all about?" I asked, having heard something that may or may not have been: 'the police make me pee'.
She dismissed it all with the wave of a hand and I was mollified -- she was drunk and adamant it was nothing and I was drunk and sometimes people cry and do foolish things when they're drunk, like my mom and dad did for years before they finally killed themselves, and I thought very little of it and Elisabeth seemed to think very little of it too because soon afterwards we were making powerful love over and over again, drunk for what was supposed to be the last time, in an extravagant bedroom below a dancing dance floor.
The reception was on an enormous yacht that floated aimlessly around English Bay and the Burrard Inlet. I don't think we were topside more than thirty seconds after she threw the garter...
Until there came a stern rapping on the cabin door and a man I never knew told me that my brother was overboard.
"We saw someone from the party floating face down in the water," he explained, "and your brother took off his jacket and dove off the boat and then they both disappeared."
"Where's his jacket?" I asked, and he handed it to me. "Have you called the police?"
"No," he said.
"So you're dumb and you're fucking stupid then," and I stumbled to the foot of the bed and gathered my pants and drew my phone and dialed 911 and thrust it into his hand.
He looked at the display and saw what I had done and became calm again and stepped out into the hallway. I followed, leaning heavily against the wall.
"I think we need the coast guard," he said, "we have two men overboard."
"You don't need the coast guard," I interjected -- "you need the coast guard and the fucking army and the police and Mayor Sam Sullivan, you dumb piece of shit!"
Elisabeth wrapped her arms and legs around me in an attempt to calm and I paced the narrow hallway with her breasts and belly against my naked back and her lips against my neck and the probing lights of helicopters and cutters shining and reflecting through the portholes and stabbing at my eyes.
"Get off me," I said coldly.
Two weeks later and it was back to work and the rest and still no sign of my brother or even the asshole he had died trying to save and it was all very difficult I think, because we were sober.
And so it all remained, until it was three weeks later and it was Tuesday and I was out having a smoke and my cell phone rang and the display said 'Private caller' and I answered it and the voice on the other end, monotone and morose, asked me:
"Is this Jason Edwards?"
"Yes."
"Brother of Scott Edwards?"
"yes"
And thirty some-odd minutes later I was in a cold room at the cop shop staring at the bloated and fish-worn corpse of my brother, salty tears bulging at the corners of my eyes.
"Yeah, that's him," I heard myself say.
"And you're the last remaining kin?" he asked.
"Yes," and I stood a long while, not really thinking anything, just chewing the dead skin off of my lower lip.
"And you found the other guy too?" I asked at length.
"Yeah," he said. "Found him yesterday. James Keegan was his name. We've notified his parents in Calgary. Was he a friend of yours?"
"Never heard of him," I said.
"He was wearing a tuxedo," the cop said. "We thought he was a wedding guest, but the autopsy showed he died of internal trauma, which we were thinking was kinda odd until we realized he was wanted in Alberta for insurance fraud and he wasn't on your guest list. We think he jumped off the Lions Gate bridge. Still can't figure out why he was in a tuxedo though."
I nodded slowly and walked out of the room. To the street where I had two smokes, and then to the nearest internet cafe, where I looked up all the listings for 'Keegan' in Calgary, Alberta.
"Hello, Mr. Keegan?" I would say.
"Yes?" he would respond.
"Father of James Keegan?" I would ask, hoping for that sinking tone.
And when I did finally find the right Mr. Keegan I said: "I just wanted to offer my condolences. My name is Jason Edwards and I was a close friend of your son. He was a good person." And I accepted the goodwill and closed my phone and noted the address and drove home to get my shotgun and then stopped off at a gas station and then two liquor stores and then began the long and lonely and angry drunken drive to Calgary, Alberta, to visit the Keegans.
Where I knocked politely on the front door and promptly shot Mrs. Keegan in the guts. She moaned weakly and Mr. Keegan shuffled into the front hallway, and he too was shot in the guts and made similar noises -- and ultimately the barking dog did as well. And then, dropping my weapon and walking calmly from their simple home, I shut the door and began the long and lonely and guilty drunken drive home.
Where my phone must have rang thirty-five times.
Each time the same number: my number.
It was the wife. She was worried, no doubt, and rightfully so. But talking to people after you've just slain two old-folks and their lapdog is a hard thing to do, and so I didn't answer until I was ten minutes from the front door.
"Hello?"
"Jason!"
"You're drunk," I said immediately -- happy with having something to accuse someone else of.
She ignored it. "Where are you!?" Her voice was thin and high and soaked in liquor-soaked tears.
"Almost home mum -- not to worry," I tried to say, but in reality, I said nothing.
She gasped on the other end. And then began a desperate sobbing. Her distress crept inside of me and made me sick at her and the conversation and what I had done. "Look, I'll be home in two minutes, okay? I'm coming down Bonavista right now."
"He's not the one who's supposed to be dead," she sobbed, "but he's the one who's dead," and I shook my head and shut the phone and grimaced like if I didn't it would destroy me. What the fuck was she on about? She was on about my brother being dead was what it seemed, but it also seemed like she was on about someone else being dead because she didn't give a fuck about my brother enough to cry about it, let alone sob about it.
I turned the thought like shit on the end of a rusty pitchfork. It stunk. It steamed. What the fuck was she on about?
"What the fuck were you on about, he's dead?" I said, stepping through the door. She didn't answer. I walked into the kitchen. No one. "Elisabeth?"
"Elisabeth!?" I shouted, the stale booze coming out of me -- warm and saturated in my breath.
I found her in the living room, drunk and disheveled and silent. She lay on the couch, and hanging over the cushion in her thin arm was a bottle of white wine. She opened her eyes and stared up and through me and then gestured feebly about the room with her bottled hand.
"All of this," she said. "Built on dirty death money."
She hiccuped.
"You're a fucking mess," I said, irritated and wrecked by her behaviour and the drink and stuck in this awful moment but still unable to forget about mine. I took the bottle from her.
"My brother's dead," she said stupidly.
"You don't have a brother."
"I do have a brother! I do have a brother and he's dead," she exclaimed, eyes closed, mouth open even after she was finished talking.
"You don't have a brother and you're drunk," I said, disgusted. I collapsed onto the sofa. Something awful rose within me and I found myself choking it back and breathing deeply through my nose to make sure it didn't all come rushing out of me.
"You don't understand, Jason," she mumbled. "All of this is a lie and now it's all over."
"Uh huh," I said, uncaring and unbelieving and frankly, busy enough with my own thoughts.
"They're coming soon and they're gonna to take all of this away and they're gonna take me away too."
"Uh huh."
"It was my brother at the wedding, Jason," she said thickly, turning over on the couch and steering to me her bloodshot eyes. "He was telling me that the insurance company found out and that it was all over soon and that he told mom and dad I was still alive and had just changed my name and that I was marrying you."
"Uh huh."
"And they called me yesterday, Jason -- mom and dad -- and they told me John had jumped off the Lions Gate Bridge and the cops had found him and they begged me to turn myself in because they were just gonna come and find me and I needed you and you weren't here."
And then the door knocked. She laughed uproariously. I narrowed my eyes. And then the doorbell went. She just kept laughing. I stood up. Walked upstairs. Got the pistol from the bedside table. She laughed and laughed. The doorbell rang again.
"Hello?" I asked, peering through the chained crack in the door. It was two uniformed policeman.
"Mr. Edwards," said the one.
"Yes."
"We're looking for Anita Keegan."
"There's no Anita Keegan here," I said, just as the epiphany screeched up my backside.
"In here!" screamed the woman in the other room. "In here!"
I stood a moment. Dirty. Filthy. I unlatched the chain and the door swung open slowly and on its own. They saw me standing there with the gun and one drew his pistol and shot me through the shoulder and spun me to the floor.
I lay panting and crunching my face and trying not to bleed and Anita or Elisabeth or whoever or whatever the fuck she was sobbed and screamed and ran down the hallway and the last I saw of her was her skinny tanned legs and her flapping nightshirt and holy shit, I realized, I met her at alcoholics anonymous.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-05 02:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-26 10:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-23 16:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqd: I agree, CP is indeed a one-trick pony. I do think that choke was worth reading, though, even if it wasn't as good as FC. rant seemed desperate, as if he knows his pony status and fears it will get out. the others were rehashes.
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2007-06-23 15:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough. You\'d be surprised at how much I like you, or your internet persona.
Nerd.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not being defensive (which is a bullshit call, cos if you answer it youre being defensive.) i just like to argue...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-22 22:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Really Good Stuff.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-22 22:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is not the game I was looking for. Fucking three errors in less than two innings. What the hell?
Anyway, I\'m drunk, and haven\'t really been following this drama, because it\'s lame. Not that I don\'t like lame. I do. I almost posted lame tonight. Very close, actually. But I decided that too lame is just too lame. So I didn\'t.
iddqddqddqgddqg: Your ratings/reviews are honest. I respect that. But you\'re being awfully defensive. Looks bad. Chill. I have nothing against you, despite our recent whatever spat (euphemism for you wanting to have sex with me). That\'s a joke. Lame. Nevertheless, a joke. Please...no diatribes. Unseemly.
Honestly, I respect somebody who reviews honestly. Honestly. One more time: honestly. There aren\'t many. HOnestly.
Drunky. Forgot where i was goind. I think you\'re alright. Just shut the fuck up, video-game-playing dork. Video games. Jesus christ. Come on.
nurr...(referring to my drunk review, not you playing video games, which also deserves a nurr...)
d
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-22 20:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"It's all relative. How can you be creative with a shitload of rules to follow anyway? "
and the winner for self-contradiction in the shortest possible space goes to... director!
yes, it is all relative, so relative that some people need rules to follow in order to manage their particular creative spark, just as others are more comfortable with no constraints upon them, and - guess what: theres also some people who are a lttle bit in between!. i guess we can surmise that you havent the lightest fucking clue of what youre saying, despite whatever experience or education you may have attained. though im sure you were very good at your poorly edited professional writing - you just gave it away to follow up on that teaching career, like you always wanted to, didnt you?
so you liked this piece, good for you, i liked it also, i just offered some sort of feedback to aid the writer (if possible) in future writings. no matter what you say from here on out, what i said is FAR more useful than than a 'i <3 u! +2'. and unliked dickhead that i am these days, the vast majority will agree with that sentiment (if not the execution).
dont bother replying youre just gonna look stupid.
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-06-22 19:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't give out +1 very easily.excellent job.best thing i've seen on Uber in along time.
and those who don't agree eat monkey dick!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-06-22 19:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. I've been a bit desensitized lately, so I almost gave it a zero, but I applaud the effort.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-22 19:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, cos you dont want to ever give any criticism that the writer can read and maybe learn something from, do you? no, you just want to suck their dick and be their bestest internet buddy.
=================================================
What a lame assed comeback. I've never even talked to, or (as far as I know) been reviewed by this author. I just happen to like the work.
Now, writing is like art. You either like it or you don't. I like it (this particular piece). That's me. If you don't, that's you. But you're just wrong. hahaha.
I used to write for a living, and almost everything I wrote, I wrote quickly. I write as if I'm talking to someone. Naturally I would go back and edit it over for typos and run ons and simple things like that, but as long as I liked the way it read back to me, that's how I left it. In fact, I'm writing a book now, and that's how I'm writing it.
Usually people liked/like my writing and I NEVER think of technical styling or prose or anything like they might teach you in a creative writing piece.
It's all relative. How can you be creative with a shitload of rules to follow anyway?
Jackasshole.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-22 09:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats cos youre in your early 20s.
bukowski is pretty good, but he wishes he was eliot.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-22 03:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me bukowski any day.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-22 03:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
chuck palahniuk is a one trick pony. fight club was tops, but theres only so many times you can read the same damn story
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-21 13:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-21 02:56:46 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a 1.5 because this reminds me of "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk.
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that's one of Palahniuk's best in my opinion. that's a great compliment.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-06-21 08:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-06-21 06:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god, i need a drink....
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-06-21 06:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of the greatest things i've ever read on this site and i've been coming here for a little over 5 years.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-21 05:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a 1.5 because this reminds me of "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-21 05:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-21 05:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to be on best ever
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-06-21 02:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tempted to give this a zero bomb just because of all of the apologists on this piece, but the +2 was genuine and my ratings are infallible and completely free of outside influence. But I do find it annoying that on all the best pieces on this site (Bickerstaff's, especially) there are always a few people who feel compelled to point out that anybody who thinks it's not the greatest piece of prose ever written is a degenerate fuckup and deserves to die by drowning in a vat of piss. Meanwhile the author wont even tell you who he is.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-06-21 02:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What made this even better for me was the fact that I read this while my ex-girlfriend wrote me all about her current relationship troubles at the same time on aim. I found it funny, that the path this story took and her story started on parallel points, diverged, and reunited harmoniously. Not the plot concepts, of course, but the themes and tensions.
Excellent work, Mister Beef.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-06-21 00:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No complaints here.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-21 00:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"And iddqd, just so you know, this is not in any way an attempt to be serious. "
of course it isnt. thats not the point. i originally expalined why i gave it (gasp!) a +1 and people misunderstand that, also. further, some criticism is always handy.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-06-20 23:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the setup, but this would function better in a longer form, it felt all too rushed at the end.
Though even writing it this long risked losing readers on here so yeah, good job either way.
---
I thought it was a little rushed too, but I made that sacrifice for the sake of pacing, and you're absolutely right -- any slower and no one would have made it even half way through.
Many, many holes, but I didn't feel the opening lines to be unbelievable. They were consistent with the rest of the story in my opinion.
And iddqd, just so you know, this is not in any way an attempt to be serious.
Zebra's got it -- it's an experiment in style over content.
Love the feedback though. Cheers everyone.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 23:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in my previous comment, i said i 'read most'. so i probably missed that inconsistency...
though id disagree. id lean towards giving more 'credit' to the readers for not seeing an inconsistency, rather than clever misdirection from the writer (and i use 'the writer' in a generic sense).
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-06-20 23:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will read this later.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's funny, iddqd, is not that you didn't buy that dialogue (which I understand but with which I disagree) because you found it unbelievable, but that there is a glaring inconsistency and a credulity-straining coincidence that is pretty outrageous that no one has mentioned.
This is a testament to beef's way with words. The style took over for the substance, but in a positive way.
I didn't mind the heightened reality of the dialogue and the situation of the 'meet cute.'
And I thought his style made up for holes in the story.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the setup, but this would function better in a longer form, it felt all too rushed at the end.
Though even writing it this long risked losing readers on here so yeah, good job either way.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"
Everybody's a fucking critic. This was a fine piece of writing called "fiction." In this thing we call "fiction," things happen that aren't...hold on to your seat..."real." In "fiction," it's all or mostly make believe. Because this is "fiction," it's not likely that any response or dialog is meant to be "believeable." Because...uh...it's "fiction." Weird, strange things happen in "fiction." That's kinda what makes "fiction" really cool to read, if it's done well, like this particular piece of "fiction" was.
Fucking jackasshole. "
yeah, cos you dont want to ever give any criticism that the writer can read and maybe learn something from, do you? no, you just want to suck their dick and be their bestest internet buddy.
weird, strange thngs happen in 'certain' types of fiction. this is supposed to be realistic, and the language and response i highlighted are NOT realistic, which is detrimental to the rest of the story. its a funny line, but this is not a funny story. NOONE is ever going to say what that character said, to do so would be sociopathic of that character, to ignore social mores and expectations, and say and do what they like without regard for anyone or anything else. for her to respond so positively to it would also mean she is of the same mental state. while the two characters ARE of the same sort of mind , hence them hooking up, they aer NOT sociopathic. anyway, whatever, im happy to accept i may be entirely wrong, but at least i offered something more to the writer than my mouth on his cock.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-06-20 20:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
eh
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-20 19:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sledgehammer
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-20 18:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh! ooh!, it's my turn to be the center of attention...below
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2007-06-20 18:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm, pretty cool.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-06-20 17:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. First time ever. I am honoured.
And by the way, the only one who was right was iddqd ;)
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-20 17:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't read this, but let me throw a B@W out there.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-20 17:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well look who is on Most Heated.
Whore.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-20 17:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really easy to read, loved it.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-06-20 16:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite a bit unpredictable in a most predictable manner, but ultimately better than most of the short stories you read on the internet.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2007-06-20 16:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And then the door knocked".........
Submitted by brownee (user info) at 2007-06-20 16:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-20 14:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-20 13:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, just wow
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-20 13:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now who's a bastard?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-06-20 13:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-20 13:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't help but picture Elisabeth/Anita as Helena Bonham-Carter in Fight Club. Ultimately, I liked this very much.
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Same here.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-06-20 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking gold
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-20 11:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 11:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oh for the love of god you fucking whiny bitches. its a +1, not the end of the world. i gave it a 1 because its melodramatic and jsut fucking trite. reasonably well written, with clear, well presented prose, however, the things that are said, like the 'pour some whisky on my dick and fuck her' (or whatever) fits in with some drunken shenangigans post, but in a piece of 'serious' fiction, it is just incongruous and a poor choice of dialogue. it is not believable for someone to say that, and nor is it for someone to respond how she did (regardless of how 'desperate' she is or whatever.) and beleivability is paramount for a story like this.
for the writer, if i was to offer some constructive suggestions, i would say to think of a less trite denouement than 'oh i did it for the insurance money'. i cant think of anything offhand to replace it, but im positive you could. there were some nice passages, though why would they jsut shoot the guy straight away? did he have the pistol pointed at them? (because it didnt seem so from the description) yorue clearly someone who can string together a few words, i would suggest you take a little more time thinking about your stories to give them the justice they deserve.
=======================================================
Everybody's a fucking critic. This was a fine piece of writing called "fiction." In this thing we call "fiction," things happen that aren't...hold on to your seat..."real." In "fiction," it's all or mostly make believe. Because this is "fiction," it's not likely that any response or dialog is meant to be "believeable." Because...uh...it's "fiction." Weird, strange things happen in "fiction." That's kinda what makes "fiction" really cool to read, if it's done well, like this particular piece of "fiction" was.
Fucking jackasshole.
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-06-20 11:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't help but picture Elisabeth/Anita as Helena Bonham-Carter in Fight Club. Ultimately, I liked this very much.
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My thoughts exactly. Well done.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 11:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oh for the love of god you fucking whiny bitches. its a +1, not the end of the world. i gave it a 1 because its melodramatic and jsut fucking trite. reasonably well written, with clear, well presented prose, however, the things that are said, like the 'pour some whisky on my dick and fuck her' (or whatever) fits in with some drunken shenangigans post, but in a piece of 'serious' fiction, it is just incongruous and a poor choice of dialogue. it is not believable for someone to say that, and nor is it for someone to respond how she did (regardless of how 'desperate' she is or whatever.) and beleivability is paramount for a story like this.
however, i read most of it, which is way more than i usually do, so that gave it a +1.
ps, none of you fools have the slightest clue what a good piece of writing is. you see someone write more than a page without a shitload of errors or use of 'lol' and fall all over yourselves to suck their dick. i shudder to think about the spooge-fest that would currently be going on if a female (read: ghola) wrote this.
for the writer, if i was to offer some constructive suggestions, i would say to think of a less trite denouement than 'oh i did it for the insurance money'. i cant think of anything offhand to replace it, but im positive you could. there were some nice passages, though why would they jsut shoot the guy straight away? did he have the pistol pointed at them? (because it didnt seem so from the description) yorue clearly someone who can string together a few words, i would suggest you take a little more time thinking about your stories to give them the justice they deserve.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-20 11:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very good.
While I loved the quirkiness of the story, your most excellent style and sensibility almost, but not quite, overtook it.
If you developed some of the details just a tiny bit more I'm sure it would catch up nicely because you really know how to craft a tale.
Lovely work.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't help but picture Elisabeth/Anita as Helena Bonham-Carter in Fight Club. Ultimately, I liked this very much.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow!
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have this just in case you DO care about ratings
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now who's a bastard?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqd thought it was a 1. if he offered up an explanation, he would likely be accused of excuse making. why wail and gnash teeth about it? i'm sure beef cares ever so much about the rating...
this WAS very good, but I have liked some of your previous stuff a good sight more. you didn't wax as lyrical as you sometimes do. i like it when you go for broke and use everything available to you. this had a simpler feel to it.
either way, a well deserved 2
fuck fuckity fuck
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
iddqd thought it was a 1. if he offered up an explanation, he would likely be accused of excuse making. why wail and gnash teeth about it? i'm sure beef cares ever so much about the rating...
this WAS very good, but I have liked some of your previous stuff a good sight more. you didn't wax as lyrical as you sometimes do. i like it when you go for broke and use everything available to you. this had a simpler feel to it.
either way, a well deserved 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cooool
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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Class act.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
______________
With over twenty +2's before this, you would think this guy would at least give some reasoning behind the +1.
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I believe jealousy would account for it.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
________________
With over twenty +2's before this, you would think this guy would at least give some reasoning behind the +1.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Style.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Groovy. I actually did meet a chick at AA once. And it actually did turn into a nightmare. But not THAT big of a nightmare.
Sweet baby jebus this was cool.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-06-20 09:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top stuff
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-20 08:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2007-06-20 08:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. condensed thriller.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-20 08:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god...
This was brilliant.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-06-20 08:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck is the +3.
This was 110% awesome. It read quickly and kept me engaged. Please do more of this as often as possible.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2007-06-20 08:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was pretty great
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-20 07:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-06-20 07:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!!
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2007-06-20 06:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-20 05:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply Awesome.
Will certainly be looking through your other stuff.
Submitted by blonde (user info) at 2007-06-20 04:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-06-20 04:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It feels like it wooshed by.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-20 04:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-06-20 04:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a different and well constructed vignette
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-20 04:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-20 07:00:24 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
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say no more.
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheer Brilliance
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow.
Fuck yeah!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I'm sorta drunk
___
.. (And it's a friggin Monday night....)
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It's wednesday morning.
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2007-06-20 03:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I'm sorta drunk
___
.. (And it's a friggin Monday night....)
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is ONLY so darko's will count. This is in no way an endorsement of my approval of this post.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I'm sorta drunk
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-20 02:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-20 01:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit.... holy fuckin shit!!
That was freakin awesome!!!!!