Okay, New Rule: Eight Movie Sub Genres That Can Shrivel and Die For All I Care (705 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.78 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Little More Time (View user info) at 2007-06-21 10:40:40 EDT
Some of you might know from my B@W post (linkwhorage: http://www.ubersite.com/m/108639 ) that, when I'm not actively learning how to climb into other people's heads and rummage around, I while away my hours working as a service peon at Hollywood Video. Schlepping video rentals, it turns out, gives one plenty of time to muse about all kinds of things: my direction in life, the future, how many fifteen year old girls wearing shorty-shorts are going to come sauntering in that day.
Oh, yeah, and movies. Can't forget those.
It's technically company policy for each of us to be undocumented cinema experts; this makes no sense, seeing as how the most frequent question we answer is, overwhelmingly, "Hey, is (insert New Release title here) any good?" So long as one of us can say SOMEthing about, say, Bridge to Terabithia [OMG TEH GRIL DYES SPOILERZ LAWL], it really doesn't matter how familiar we are with American movie history. At the same time, though, we're expected to be able to recommend flicks when called upon, so myself and my staff are fairly proficient. The upside to this is that we all look very impressive and knowledgeable when asked, but the other edge to this sword is that some of us are FAR too familiar with some of the more common patterns that surface in movies today. Some of these need to end. Quickly.
So, for your convenience, approval, and input, I've compiled a list of eight movie sub genres that have been so fully explored as to have been beaten to death, or are otherwise so vile that they should only be approached by trained professional in HAZMAT suits:
1. THE ANIMATED SEND-UP OF SOME FAIRY TALE:
Although this one seems to be on the way out, it's far too late for it; the market is glutted with CGI characters satirizing children's stories. After all, why not? The source material is huge; all a hack screenwriter has to do is run on down to Border's Books & Music and pick up a copy of a Brothers Grimm collection and they're set to go. Or, if they're really feeling adventurous, they can take on the Disney movies; everyone's familiar with them, so you're guaranteed some lawlz and a decent audience. But that's the very problem, isn't it? These movies are too easy to make; anyone and their brother can do computer animation these days, and the voice acting cast can just be any B-list actors that are hanging around the studio lot come recording day. Easy, right?
Now, I'm not saying that a good flick needs to be difficult to put together, but these are made on the cheap and they pull in a good profit every time. There is a pretty obvious pattern in this list, if you pay attention: all of these movies are made easily, with little original material or thought involved, and all are still successful because they depend on an audience that likes what is familiar to them. That said, let's continue on...
2. ANY MOVIE IN WHICH EDDIE MURPHY OR MIKE MYERS PLAYS MULTIPLE ROLES:
These are absolute bullshit for one major reason: they're nothing but justifications for inflated paychecks; if the studio only needs to cast one major star for a movie, they can pay that one actor more cash, or otherwise pocket more profit for themselves. Norbit just came out a few weeks ago, and guess who's headlining BOTH leading actor/actress slots on the front DVD cover? That's right; Eddie Fucking Murphy. Now, Thandie Newton's in the movie too, but you'd never know it unless you read the back. I'm not saying she's Oscar material; hell, she might not win an award in her lifetime, but she's IN the goddamn movie, too, and she apparently doesn't rate next to Murphy and his king-sized ego.
That brings me to my next point; these movies don't need to be made for another reason: every character portrayed by these actors are the same in them. Eddie Murphy will always be some douche in a fat suit, and Mike Meyers is always some quirky dude with an accent. I'm not sure that the fact they're in one of the most successful franchises of all time (see #1) is an accident; they're both masters of a specific character, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but when it's overused in lieu of decent screenwriting, there's a problem.
3. THE INNER-CITY DRAMA IN WHICH A CORN FED WHITE WOMAN TEACHES A GROUP OF GHETTOFABULOUS YOUTHS COURAGE/DISCIPLINE/SELF-ESTEEM/MACRAMÉ/WHATEVER IT IS THEY APPARENTLY NEED:
I hate these movies; it seems like there's another one made every few years and, once again, they're all so similar that they almost write themselves. The teacher is always fragile-looking but tough as nails (Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank, etc.), she encounters resistance from her students, their parents, and her fellow faculty, there's always one "lost cause" that may or may not actually be, and they always have some kind of generally uplifting message ("we will persevere", blah blah blah). These flicks mainly become vehicles for the newest hot hip-hop/rap single; if I remember correctly, Freedom Writers was produced by MTV Films, which might explain why its soundtrack was so widely acclaimed.
Another reason why I can't stand them is, despite their formulaic nature, they consistently win awards. I'm aware that most of them are "based on a true story" (a term that makes me cringe every time it is announced during a trailer), but it makes me wonder if that alone is enough to warrant all the attention these cookie-cutters receive. Don't get me wrong; the leading ladies do fine jobs, but nothing on par with the older Academy Award winners. Katherine Hepbun could act the pants off of Ms. Swank any day of the week. I can only guess that the reason they do so well is that they're held back until a dry spell of "serious" cinema raises its head, then released so everyone rants on and on about how wonderful it is compared to all the other trash out there.
4. THE SHITTY C- OR D-LEVEL HORROR FLICK:
This is really one that you can't escape, mainly because a mass of these movies are released directly to DVD and never see the light of the big screen, so they clog the shelves of video rental and retail stores. If you've ever perused the Horror section of your local Blockbuster, you know the kind; they're made for peanuts, feature actors and actresses you've never heard of before (and never will again) and shitty CGI monsters or some fella in a suit. The acting is terrible, the plot incomprehensible, and the action predictable, but here's the thing: PEOPLE STILL SHELL OUT MONEY FOR THEM. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't for the fact that every one of them mimic a more well-known (and better-produced) movie. This means that every element that composes them is unoriginal, and the fact that folk still pitch cash at them for more is what keeps them in Wal-Marts and the other superstores and other, better movies out.
5. THE ROMANTIC COMEDY ABOUT THE HILARIOUSLY MISMATCHED COUPLE:
Now this is one dead horse that Hollywood flat-out refuses to stop beating. America loves to laugh and see others fall in love, and that's great, but to keep profits high, every studio needs to crank out a few each year, and we all know how that pesky creative process slows that down, so originality, once again, goes out the window. Every romantic comedy in which the two central characters have trouble from the beginning have the same two personalities: one is a straight-laced neurotic and the other is a free-spirit neurotic (see: Along Came Polly). There is always either a baby/infant, a wacky animal, or an off-the-wall neighbor/roommate, and often a combination of the above three (see: Meet the Parents/Fockers). The same gimmicks are used again and again to get laughs, and the conflict between the two lovers is often resolved in a stereotypical or overly-simple and glib way. Roll credits, applause, lather, rinse, repeat. Money in the bank.
6. THE MINORITY-IN-A-STICKY-SITUATION ACTION-COMEDY:
Goddamn if these don't piss me off; if I never see another young black actor/comedian running from an explosion yelling "Oh snap!" or "Ah'm goin' die!" it'll be too fucking soon. This is another sub genre that gets made every few years when the public forgets that racial/cultural stereotypes, pop culture references and annoying catch phrases can be FUNNY! Again, lots of cheap laughs which are often bolstered by the presence of a buddy, who is almost always of a different race than the protagonist, thereby enhancing the miscommunication and hilarious panic inherent in the situation. Because, you know, it makes perfect fucking sense that two people who speak the same damn language would experience that much misunderstanding, particularly while running from Russian drug dealers/the FBI/Chinese Triad thugs. UGH.
7. ANY MOVIE BY PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL AND WEEPY EMO BOY WES ANDERSON:
I did my best to try and not single out any specific director or actor/actress for this list, but this one was too strong to resist; I fucking HATE Wes Anderson and his repeated failed attempts to pass off mopey protagonists who spout polysyllabic expressions when discussing their lot in life as "existentialist" and, therefore, full of artistic integrity. No. Wrong. Sorry, please try again, thank you for fucking playing. You are not deep because you found a way to say, "Damn, life sucks, but I'll get over it and get better soon" with very large words for ninety minutes. The emotions his characters portray are not in any way complex; they simply waffle so much that it seems that way. Also, I am sick to death of his prostituting his roles to Luke and Owen Wilson; one plays off being a soft, artistic soul, and the other is Ben Stiller's man whore. I have no respect for writers and directors who reserve specific characters for particular actors; it shows a lack of imagination during the creative process, and there's no validity to the whole "Only (so-and-so) could play this role". Bullshit; if new players are being discovered every day, then people like Anderson and Tim Burton can find others to play their leading men.
8. ANY MOVIE ABOUT A NATURAL CATACLYSMIC EVENT OR EXTREME SPORT:
Nothing too deep to say about these, just that another one doesn't need to be made, period. Flicks have been made featuring fires, floods, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, diseases, and meteor strikes. Hell, now they're making ones with MAN-MADE disasters; Casper Van Dien's in one about (get this) global fucking warming. And extreme sports? Enough, already; we've had skateboarding, surfing, BMX, motocross, inline AND old school skating, skydiving, snow boarding, skiing, speed skating, mountain climbing, scuba diving, spelunking, rafting/kayaking, and cheer leading/acrobatics. We don't need another one. So stop it, please.
And there it is. I'm interested in what other Uberlings think; I don't have a degree in film, but I've seen a whole mess of movies, so if I've missed any or you disagree, I'd like to hear what and why.
But, in the meantime, I leave you with a much better critic than I. One who once said the only non-fruity, non-foreign film he ever liked was Citizen Kane.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-22 05:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you you can't take away my shitty horror.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-06-22 04:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<3
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-06-22 04:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I LOVED Royal Tenenbaums.
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you are also a pseudo-intellectual weepy emoboy
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-06-22 04:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-21 23:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeanneee below.
<3
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-21 21:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a very enjoyable post.
For my money, the most entertaining kind of movie is the "Unintentional Camp Masterpiece," in which the film's actors don't let the wretchedness of the script stop them from chewing the scenery to shreds. "Showgirls," "Varsity Blues," "Face/Off," "Con Air," and "The Devil's Advocate" are all exemplary Camp Masterpieces.
Also, call me a sucker but I love Tarantino. "Jackie Brown" is probably the best linear crime movie ever made.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-21 21:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't necessarily agree though...
:)
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-21 21:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, ALMT!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-21 16:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As well you should hate that, most of us that appreciate a good and decent film do! I was actually thiking more along the lines of examples. What would you consider an action movie that qualifies? I would have to say that a movie like "the matrix" (which I know falls under the genre of sci fi) could be qualified as an "action movie" in some circles. I guess the subject itself is too subjective to be really laid down in a concrete manner. Dont get me wrong, I completely agree with you as far as 1-8 being the poison of the film industry these days, but it is a business, and unfortunately people dont want to have to think about a movie at all. All they want are their basest instincts satisfied. This is why Music, Movies and Television have all crossed the into hell and damnation these days. No one wants to put the time in to appreciate anything anymore, they are too "busy."
all around good rant though.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-06-21 15:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-21 14:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just a question, this is by no means sarcastic, what kind of movies would you consider acceptable?
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Action movies with a budget and a non-cringeworthy script, horror flicks with competant acting, unpretentious dramas with a relevant point...hell, take your pick. I'll even swallow a summer blockbuster every once in a while. I'm just sick of Hollywood making the same ten damn movies over and over again and watching them win accolades and gross $100 million plus. It's pandering, pure and simple. It's saying, "Here. You people are too fucking stupid to appreciate anything you haven't seen a thousand times before, so here's some regurgitated garbage. Watch it and love it, idiots." I hate that.
Submitted by icanbecool (user info) at 2007-06-21 15:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So basically they should have quit making movies 15 years ago.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-21 14:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just a question, this is by no means sarcastic, what kind of movies would you consider acceptable?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-21 14:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-21 13:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3. THE INNER-CITY DRAMA IN WHICH A CORN FED WHITE WOMAN TEACHES A GROUP OF GHETTOFABULOUS YOUTHS COURAGE/DISCIPLINE/SELF-ESTEEM/MACRAMÉ/WHATEVER IT IS THEY APPARENTLY NEED:
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I think there should be a 3A involving RememberTheTitansequels.
Which is any movie where a coach brings a bunch of misfits/racially divided/underachievers together and teaches them the value of sportsmanship, teamwork and their humanity.
See also: Coach Carter, Gridiron Gang, That Dippy Basketball Movie That Was Basically Remember the Titans on Hardwood, etc
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-21 13:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You seem like a total NOOB asshead and I don't like you, for no reason at all, but I agree with most of this post.
PS. Go fuck yourself.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-06-21 13:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I LOVED Royal Tenenbaums.
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yeah that did rock...
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-06-21 13:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't +2 this because Austin Powers 1 + 2 were good. 3, however, never existed.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-06-21 12:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-06-21 12:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I LOVED Royal Tenenbaums.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-06-21 12:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
3. THE INNER-CITY DRAMA IN WHICH A CORN FED WHITE WOMAN TEACHES A GROUP OF GHETTOFABULOUS YOUTHS COURAGE/DISCIPLINE/SELF-ESTEEM/MACRAMÉ/WHATEVER IT IS THEY APPARENTLY NEED:
I don't think this is isolated to white women.
Mexican men - Antonio Banderas - Shall we Dance
White men - sean Connery - Finding Forrester
Basically any movie in the ghetto where dirtballs learn one skill and all of the sudden become upright citizens.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S. Black Snake Moan was all right.
Chained Christina Ricci in undies flying backward through the air FTW
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you and your documentaries about apes flinging poo at one another will have just a smashing time then?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot minority athletes/coaches overcoming racial stereotypes by having success on some sort of athletic field/court/pool.
I loved Royal Tenanbaums too.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I LOVED Royal Tenenbaums.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
have fun staring at the wall, douchebag
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitty Horror flicks are so bad they're good.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2. Go see So I married an Axe Murderer.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a girls number at harper's last night. This marks the only time where I have gone to harper's and not regretted it.