When the Cat’s Away, the Mouse will be as Lame as Ever, but will, Nevertheless, Continue to Have Fun (1447 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2007-06-22 22:57:31 EDT
I know better than posting this, but I am quite happy (code).
Earlier today, I dropped the wife and kid off at the airport. I bought them a ten-day vacation in the Catskills. I can't go. Situations at work won't allow it at this time.
Still, in a way, it's a vacation for me as well. Amazingly (to me, as I look back), I have never been alone for any extended period of time in my own house as long as I've been married to the woman (which is about 7 and ½ long-ass years now). Not for any appreciable amount of time, anyway. And my camping trips "to get away for awhile" are becoming more infrequent, as the realities of responsible life set in.
Anyway, I'm quite excited about the next ten days. Alone. At last.
I consider this time an opportunity to do things a little out of the ordinary. I've worked out a schedule:
Friday, 22 June: (Nothing out of the ordinary here. It's just the first day)
Evening: Get drunk. Watch baseball. Fuck around on the Internet. (Probably Uber. Bart Cilfone is a god. Anytime he'd like to unblock my IP address would be okay with me.) I miss the wife already. I've already masturbated.
Saturday, 23 June:
Morning: Naked yard work. The yard work needs to be done, and I have a privacy wall. My ass is fucking white. The rest is tan. I look like a two-tone tan-and-white 1977 Chevy Cordoba. I'm not sure there ever was such a car, but it sounds good.
Afternoon: Nap. Watch baseball (naked).
Evening: Gonna make dinner, which will consist of bacon. Nothing else. Fucking bacon. Bacon is the best. I'm going to wash it down with lots of beer and whiskey. Fuckin' hell, I love bacon. I'll probably fuck around on the Internet, too. Masturbation is in there somewhere.
Sunday, 24 June:
All day: Must work. I have a deadline. I might take a break to masturbate, though.
Monday, 25 June:
Morning/Afternoon: Work.
Evening: Gonna make me some linguine with white clam sauce. The wife can't eat garlic, and I love garlic. Plus, I love clams, and tend to buy a can every time I go to the grocery. And because I don't know what to do with clams without using garlic, I've got 10 or 15 cans of clams in the cupboard. Gonna eat me some clams. Gonna masturbate, too.
Tuesday, 26 June:
Morning/Afternoon: Work.
Evening: Gonna make some clam chowder (New England-style), with plenty of garlic. I'm thinking I'll go to bed early this night (after I masturbate), as I have a big day planned for tomorrow.
Wednesday, 27 June:
Morning/Afternoon: Work.
Evening: Hookers.
Thursday, 28 June:
Morning/Afternoon: Work.
Evening: Treat my sores. Might have to work all night to make my deadline. There's a good chance that I will not masturbate on this night.
Friday, 29 June:
Morning: Work, but I'm going to leave early, having met my deadline.
Afternoon: Upon my arrival at home, I will start drinking heavily. At 5 p.m., I figure, I'll start masturbating. I will probably start fucking around on the Internet sometime between 5:05 p.m. and 5:10 p.m.
Saturday, 30 June:
Morning: Naked yard work.
Afternoon: Watch baseball (naked).
Evening: I don't know. Get drunk? Baseball? I haven't really gotten this far. There's probably some masturbation involved.
Sunday, 1 July:
I pick up the family on this day. There's a slim chance that I will have sex with a real human being on this day, but I'm not counting on it. There may be some masturbation occurring on this day.
=========
The game's about to start, and Brandon Webb is pitching tonight.
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Disclaimer: "Hookers," above, refers to an extended bout of solitary masturbation. Also, the author has been drinking.
Here's a random fucking camwhore:
User Reviews
Submitted by UA_MARINE (user info) at 2007-08-25 03:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead animals taste great.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read about that landslide in the Catskills. Hope everyone's okay.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awwwwwwwww.. I remember your first post!! LOOK how much you've ..err.. grown?
Anyhoo - you're easily one of the better more consistently entertaining uberers these days.
glad you're here!
That is all
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chrysler cordoba
you masturbate a lot
+2 for baseball and beer
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-25 07:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
gross
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-06-25 06:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nowwwwww I know who you remind me of: Michael Madsen in Kill Bill 2.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-06-25 05:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're old and by the several mentions of watching baseball I take it you're just really really bored waiting for some of the 4 1/2 minutes of action to pull on your weiner and are also watching terrible Girls Gone Wild infomercials.
I'm so glad I'm young and attractive.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-25 03:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
look like a two-tone tan-and-white 1977 Chevy Cordoba. I'm not sure there ever was such a car, but it sounds good
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dad had a 77 cordoba. it was a chrysler. it had a metallic green paint job, white vinyl roof and fake metallic green leather interior that stuck to your sweaty ass on hot days (wearing shorts of course, the family didnt drive naked until we were much older).
then an average car, today, niggers are paying premium dollars to do their carz like that.
pimp my ride, goofballs.
oh, informative post.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-25 02:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish, what is a proxy, and would it help me get on uber at work? I'm blocked now.
I hope that doesnt make me seem retarded, but i'm not exactly up to date on Internet Tech.
Proxy = ?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 14:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-06-24 13:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don\'t you have any friends?
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I do, but they suck. I also have two dogs, four cats, and two fish that demand my attention. I also have a deadline. I also like to masturbate. We don\'t have a frog or the turtles anymore, thank god. Frog died (was eaten by one of the fish...or maybe jumped out and was eaten my a cat) and we found a nice home for the turtles. The turtles were a bad idea. Not my idea, though.
Sac -- All I know is that I can\'t access Uber without using a proxy. I like to blame Bart.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-24 13:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-06-24 13:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't you have any friends?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-24 08:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're kidding, right? I can't imagine you've ever done anything close to a bannable offense, and even if you did, he'd ban your account, not your IP address (unless you went Maltese or something.) Did you ask Bart?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-24 08:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can I get a 'hell yeah'?
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 06:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, he must be enjoying watching your handicapped posts - I\'m sure...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 06:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I said \"Ubering\" is vain and pointless. I had a bad month.
Don\'t ever say that.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am surprised you were banned, or whatever. What could you have said? I bet if you grovel you will get him to change is mind. He seems like a reasonable guy...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck I know it\'s annoying. Blame Bart, goddamit. My IP is blocked. Bart really hates Elvis, apparently*. I\'m using a proxy. I could use other ones, but the one I\'m using is fast.
*Actually, I spake bad about Uber, and got this partial banning for it...I guess.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-06-24 05:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
\"Lungfish\", why are you putting \ in front of all your " or 's?
It\'s getting quite annoying.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
During the Gulf War, he told a Colonel to \"Fuck off.\" Some kind of suicide mission. Almost got court-martialed. Damn I love that guy.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like a hippy and a cowboy..
so is it hipboy or cowby? You tell me..
A friend of mine just volunteered to masturbate me. :-)
------
I am neither. Not even close.
Hippies smell bad.
I know lots a hippies and a few real cowboys (emphasis on *real*).
I can only call one cowboy a close friend, however. A total badass. A former working cowboy, a Marine (once a Marine, always a Marine, eh?), a genuinely nice guy, and a fuckin\' liberal (God love him). He fought in two wars: Vietnam and the first Gulf war. Love that guy. Should post about his bad ass.
He got busted stealing a car in Flagstaff when he was 18. The judge gave him a choice: Vietnam or jail. He chose Vietnam.
He hates George Bush. This guy is pretty much my hero. Besides, his son is a drinking buddy of mine.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-06-24 03:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like a hippy and a cowboy..
so is it hipboy or cowby? You tell me..
A friend of mine just volunteered to masturbate me. :-)
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 01:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-23 21:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then he can ride me a while.
---------
Lucky bastard
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-06-23 23:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and I would get along famously I believe.
Have a rip roarin' good time man.
But I have to say....
Bacon?!?
Jim Beam?
Cheap Beer that tastes like the can it came in?
Fuck man...
You couldn't find a more awesome and honest expression of perfection.
That and a little masturbation after.
LIVE IT UP!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-23 21:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been reviewing fucking psych journals about successful weight loss predictors, attrition predictors, correlated demographic variables for weight loss, restrained vs. unrestrained eating behavior and weight loss, JAMA weight loss articles, effects of chronic dieting and frustration indexes, and about a million other things related to weight loss.
ALL day today.
Study we're doing, you see.
My eyes hurt. Why the fuck would you send me a .pdf file of a copied journal that IS SO FUCKING SMALL AND BLURED THAT YOU HAVE TO READ IT WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?!?!?!
There are 100 journal articles in piles around my living room. The cat will come along every so often and sit on one of the piles.
I'm done for tonight. Approx 8:50 pm Central.
The man is on his way. We're going on a late evening/night motorcycle ride. Then he can ride me a while.
Tomorrow, I have to write a review section on what all the previous predictive studies have found.
Wambulance.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-23 20:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
btw, it might look like I have been lurking...waiting for a review. I have not. Shear coincidence.
Fuckers.
Not really. But you know what I mean.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-23 20:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It\'s 110 degrees here today. The bum got a little burned.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-23 20:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ears are ugly
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-06-23 20:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
naked yard work?? hmmmm tried it but its way too cold here even in summer
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-23 15:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you beyond reason....
The weddings back on
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-23 14:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gonna eat me some clams. Gonna masturbate, too.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-23 11:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could love that ponytail. I hate ponytails.
However, it seems to work on you. God damn you for being so fucking awesome.
Lungfish for CHRIST
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-23 10:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-23 10:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn you. Canned clams?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-23 09:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fantastic
+2 for cowboy killers and pony tails
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-23 07:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your writing, it's so friendly.
Thats a nice compliment I promise!!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-06-23 06:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're Jean Reno?
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-06-23 03:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto "planning ahead" +2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-23 03:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
G'night!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-06-23 02:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this earlier and clicked off of it, and i just decided it was the only thing i've read tonight worth reading at all and it deserved a rating from me before i signed off. so now, here's a +1 for your vacation, a +1 for whiskey and beer and baseball, a +1 for naked lawnwork, and a +1 for me going to bed.
my sunburnt chest is peeling. gross.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-23 02:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless you, sir.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-23 02:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never figured you'd have a pony tail....
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-23 01:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pandora --
Are you a chick? If so, I might stay awake for a while.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-06-23 01:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or something....
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-06-23 01:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The only place I require manscaping is around the butthole. When you're screaming, I want to be sure it isn't because I'm accidentally pulling your hair.
Just kidding, I enjoy peforming analingus.
I hope you enjoy your personal time getting drunk naked. If not for the grace of work, there go I....
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-06-23 01:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to do yard work, I hope my yard dies, but for the hookers and I to party outside.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-06-23 01:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a wall...
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-23 00:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you. I manscape too, #2 guard on a trimmer is perfect.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-23 00:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 manscaper
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-23 00:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there was a boob post?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The wife has never said a word. But I\'m always mindful. I know what I like. If I were a chick, I\'m guessing I would not appreciate an overly hairy nether-region. Then again, I\'ve had no problem with those overly hairy female nether-regions with which I have had close contact.
There was a post about boobs today. Some small, some big, some hairy, and whatnot. I can only say that I am drunk, and while I have never had a problem with ...
of shit..lost my thought. funny how those shots hit you all of a sudden.
the hairy boobs were weird but she was lovely.. that might have been whaat aI was goind for. ahhhh boobs.
actually, those boobs with a few hairs were lovely...
oh... just shut up idiot
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Manscaping
A term used to define male grooming below the belt. A male can use both an electric razor or a regular razor. A Mach 3 is preferable with the ladies on the testicular area. No female likes to deal with hairy balls, so men must education themselves on proper manscaping and maintenance techniques.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Manscaping
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot to mention that I am goind to manscape a day or so before the wife comes home.
Look it upl
shit i\'m drunk. d\'bachs are getting killed
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rememberish you. You're that guy from that place that one time.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you've got all the angles covered.
Oh yeah, nearly forgot...
DAMN HIPPIE!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry - I didn\'t know the picture was so big. You might pick out some ear hairs. Sac - you\'re always on the agenda (you did see something about masturbation, I hope).
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah, I even boithered to clean that up. Anyways, glad webb's not on my team.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IP H R ER BB K HR Season ERA
B. Webb 5.0 6 7 3 2 7 1 3.24
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm nowhere on this agenda?
What the hell man. I love garlic.
(meow)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-22 23:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish = AUTO +2