Regarding Redneck Neighbors (3697 hits)
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Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2007-06-24 14:49:43 EDT
Some random observations I would like to make after spending two years among the rednecks:
Rednecks are Structured Beasts
Like many of us, rednecks enjoy the structured comforts of order and hierarchy. To that end, they give every person they meet a handle that they believe to be indicative of the person's true nature. A well-endowed female, for example, might be hailed as "sweet-tits" or "hay thar sweet-tits", whereas a male who watched Seinfeld may be dubbed "City-boy". Anyone who has graduated past the fourth grade will automatically be christened "Einstein" and secluded from the social structure.
Cylinders Make Everything Better
Overkill is a sign of virility here. Say a redneck only owns a quarter-acre lot; he can still ride his diesel-powered '61 John Deere 3010 along his 18" of frontage sod twice a week, taking an hour afterwards to ride it up and down the block, leaving the motor running while he tells any neighbor who will listen about all the weekend he spent overhauling the engine.
Adding cylinders to things that did not originally have (and never needed) them is a true mark of redneck achievement. Rest assured the 4-cylinder, diesel-powered salad tongs with dual exhaust and 12" subwoofers will get priority in the garage over the family car (which, given its status as 'something that should have had cylinders' can usually be found on blocks on the front lawn).
It Doesn't Matter WHAT Side of the Mason-Dixon Line You're on. Southern Accents are THE Shit.
Every redneck must endeavor to speak with as thick of a southern drawl as his toothless maw can muster. It doesn't matter if no one can understand you. The goal here is not to communicate thoughts or ideas, but to make incomprehensible posturing noises that clearly mark you as part of the redneck subculture.
This posturing principle also holds true for décor (Rebel flags in the backyard), or music (90% of redneck music is an explanation of how to be a proper redneck (see Garth Brooks, Gretchen Wilson et all)). This is one of the many attributes rednecks share with wiggers, and may explain why the two groups have such an easy time melding.
Redneck: I dun toe th'boi t' stup fungeren hah cu'un, bout he'em downt lessun.
Wigger: You thinkin' bout shittin' on fitty... sabe it.
Redneck: Geeter'DOH!
Wigger: AIYOOOOOO!!!!!!
Redneck: Yeeh HAW!
Wigger: WUT!
Society's Stereotypes Mean Nothing to Rednecks
Two days ago, I observed an alpha male in his driveway wearing a baseball cap, shorts, and tee-shirt that were all tie-dyed rainbow colors. As rednecks ordinarily shun any indication of homosexuality, I was confused as be brazenly continued to display alpha behavior; sipping a third-rate beer from his folding throne and hailing "baldy" (an elder male) as he rode his John Deere down the block.
After doing some research, I found that rednecks don't share the Western World's stereotypes regarding homosexuals. They consider rainbow colors to be bright and cheery, and lisps to be the sign of proper tooth loss. Their homosexual stereotypes encompass anyone who:
* Watches Frasier, Friends, or the History Channel
* Drives an automatic
* Does not laugh when others repeat Larry the Cable Guy's jokes.
For Rednecks, Bars are the Internet and CNN all Rolled into One
Because if you can't rely on a pack of blue collar drunks for journalistic integrity, who can you rely on? An actual conversation heard last week:
Gus: I heard Pawlenty was lookin' t' take our taxes agin.
Shirtless Dan: Where'd yew hear that?
Gus: Down 't the bar.
Shirtless Dan: <Sips Schlitz> That lib'rul Jew.
Rednecks do NOT Approve of Hoisting the Union Jack and Dressing up as Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson on July 4th
I know this from practical experience.
Fuck 'em.
I would like to conclude these observations with a psuedo-random image of a redneck cat.
User Reviews
Submitted by mnbvc2007 (user info) at 2008-04-09 02:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-30 20:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya this is great
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-30 19:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of the best posts ever.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-30 18:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like my hometown.
i like rednecks accent. it's a lot like mine only in english. :-)
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2008-03-30 18:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite a compelling ethnographic monograph.
yes!
indeed...
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-04 22:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this post.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-04 22:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-26 08:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rednecks do NOT Approve of Hoisting the Union Jack and Dressing up as Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson on July 4th"
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good tip for redneck neighbors: "If you must share a tooth, be sure to clean it off with a rag first before passing it on."
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I wanna hear more about your July 4th experiment as well.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geeter'DOH!
I am likely going to stab someone over THAT whole social phenomenon. I really think I'd take the rednecks over wiggers though. (Funny though that rednecks seem to breed and the result IS wiggers...WTF?) Crackheads too. My time amongst the subhumans was a growing experience, I'll admit, but now I'm all done growing.
You need to move, my friend.
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The odd thing about rednecks in our area is that they're completely unexpected. It's a secluded neighborhood, nice mid-range homes in good repair, nearest trailer park 5 miles away.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To counter the jackassery going on below. And for "and as such will be the leaky anus of the Western World's jokes for a long time to come." And because this was an interesting study of the subjects in your neighbourhood. Please let me know the results of your July 4th experiment, I expect your report on my desk first thing on the 7th.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
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Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny or a poorly executed Jeff Foxworthy episode?
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Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
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It took you 20 minutes to log out of sweetkisses and into Sydney, eh?
What a 1337 h4x0rz you are.
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Hahaha, jeebus christ, you are paranoid. Get over yourself. These same people you are claiming are me are the same ones that spammed me, douche. Quit crying already.
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Pfft. That's not an excuse; it just shows that deep down you have taste.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geeter'DOH!
I am likely going to stab someone over THAT whole social phenomenon. I really think I'd take the rednecks over wiggers though. (Funny though that rednecks seem to breed and the result IS wiggers...WTF?) Crackheads too. My time amongst the subhumans was a growing experience, I'll admit, but now I'm all done growing.
You need to move, my friend.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is fucked, I'm being set up. Whatev...
Submitted by andkon (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hehehe, great post.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/108886#uber_reviews
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
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Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny or a poorly executed Jeff Foxworthy episode?
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Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
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It took you 20 minutes to log out of sweetkisses and into Sydney, eh?
What a 1337 h4x0rz you are.
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Hahaha, jeebus christ, you are paranoid. Get over yourself. These same people you are claiming are me are the same ones that spammed me, douche. Quit crying already.
Submitted by gwenwyvar (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't like rednecks but this post was STOOPID!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
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Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny or a poorly executed Jeff Foxworthy episode?
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Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
---------------
It took you 20 minutes to log out of sweetkisses and into Sydney, eh?
What a 1337 h4x0rz you are.
Submitted by Dirty_Girl (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOLZ
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
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Keep the alters coming, redneck.
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You're really convinced. I guess that's the life of trailer trash. Not me, try again.
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny or a poorly executed Jeff Foxworthy episode?
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Heh. So you live in a trailer park. Classy.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Its sugar-tits, and rednecks cook the best barbecue
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-25 07:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-06-25 06:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how do you casterate a redneck.....
...kick his sister in the jaw
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-06-25 06:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2007-06-25 05:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Adding cylinders to things that did not originally have (and never needed) them is a true mark of redneck achievement. Rest assured the 4-cylinder, diesel-powered salad tongs with dual exhaust and 12" subwoofers will get priority in the garage over the family car (which, given its status as 'something that should have had cylinders' can usually be found on blocks on the front lawn).
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How does one add cylinders?
I never considered Garth Brooks redneck. Gretchen, yes...but Garth was always the pretty-boy type (Fancy shirts and all) and was more of the rodeo cowboy type. Rednecks and cowboys are 2 different species.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-25 05:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rednecks do NOT Approve of Hoisting the Union Jack and Dressing up as Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson on July 4th
I know this from practical experience."
....Ok I need to here this story.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-25 03:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
just a query.
can blacks be rednecks?
or chinese rednecks?
no?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-06-25 00:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spot on.
also, on rednecks and homosexuality- as per a redneck i worked with in Baghdad, you're not gay unless you've tried it more than 5 times. originally he had claimed 3 times, but paused after he said it and looked upwards as if deep in thought and then decided 5 was the proper number.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-24 23:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-06-24 23:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Levity (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by camarilla (user info) at 2007-06-24 21:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I live in the south but thank GOD not THAT neighborhood.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-24 21:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Sinistral/l/awesome
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-24 18:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-24 16:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny :D Nice how people can still make fun of rednecks without getting any death threats. Eventually a redneck is going to sue, and then you won't be able to make fun of anyone without making somebody cry and somebody pay.
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The thing of it is that rednecks are a LOT like "gangstas". They're both in your face with their whole identity. They both create and encourage their own stereotypes. They both pride themselves on being retards. The only real difference between rednecks and gangstas is that gangstas can fall back on the pathetic "my granfather's grandfather's grandfather was a slave" excuse. Unlike pretty much any other subgroup, rednecks have no race card to play, and as such will be the leaky anus of the Western World's jokes for a long time to come.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-24 18:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2007-06-24 16:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
- Ah liyke yur ak-cent. Whur yoo from?
- England.
- Oh! Ah loves me some of 'em shews, liyke that wun.....wuts his name.....yoo know......crocodile dundee.
- Yes. We're very proud.
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BAHAHAHA! You know, you wouldn't think the rednecks would recognize a figure like Nelson. With the missing arm and the eyepatch, they probably mistook him for Hitler who, according to redneck history, fought against the US in every war. Especially the Revolutionary (on the side of the Brits) and Civil (with the Union).
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Redneck: I dun toe th'boi t' stup fungeren hah cu'un, bout he'em downt lessun.
Wigger: You thinkin' bout shittin' on fitty... sabe it.
Redneck: Geeter'DOH!
Wigger: AIYOOOOOO!!!!!!
Redneck: Yeeh HAW!
Wigger: WUT!
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Oh dear God +3.
Submitted by shmack92 (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They get the cylinders from the cars which should have them, but no longer do.
The other 10% of country is an explanation of why the artist is a redneck, thus justifying their instructions in the other 90%.
The history channel reminds them that the south lost the war.
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if they actually watched the history channel.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-24 16:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Country folk. Good people.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-24 16:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny :D Nice how people can still make fun of rednecks without getting any death threats. Eventually a redneck is going to sue, and then you won't be able to make fun of anyone without making somebody cry and somebody pay.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2007-06-24 16:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
- Ah liyke yur ak-cent. Whur yoo from?
- England.
- Oh! Ah loves me some of 'em shews, liyke that wun.....wuts his name.....yoo know......crocodile dundee.
- Yes. We're very proud.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Redneck: <belches>
Wigger: <makes approximation of gang sign>
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-24 20:30:32 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bud light is so gay that even that cat isn't pissed
===
There is nothing at all gay about Bud Light. I don't know one gay person who'd be caught dead drinking Bud Light.
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I love this woman. She is cool.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bud light is so gay that even that cat isn't pissed
===
There is nothing at all gay about Bud Light. I don't know one gay person who'd be caught dead drinking Bud Light.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They get the cylinders from the cars which should have them, but no longer do.
The other 10% of country is an explanation of why the artist is a redneck, thus justifying their instructions in the other 90%.
The history channel reminds them that the south lost the war.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rednecks are misunderstood. Or, really, the term is often applied to folks who are not really rednecks. You\'ve got some rednecks, though.
Nice post.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bud light is so gay that even that cat isn't pissed
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-06-24 15:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause that cat's drinking Bud Light (THATS RIGHT JAKE)
and also I know people, around here, who have all kinds of farm machines on their lawn and they make me giggle, cause they live right in th middle of my village
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-06-24 14:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96642
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-24 14:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...or the History Channel"
ACES