Fun in a shitty bar in southern Kentucky (789 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by briokid666.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2007-06-24 16:48:30 EDT
If you're ever in southern Kentucky (God forbid) and you're forced to drink at a bar anywhere near the Fort Campbell area, here are a few tips for enjoying yourself.
Find the biggest, most army-looking dude in the bar. A good indication is a flat-top, to-the-skin haircut, tribal tattoos, and khaki cargo shorts that he bought already frayed at the bottoms. Watch him like a hawk. As soon as he goes to take a piss, follow him into the men's room and use the urinal right next to him. Mid-piss, lean over and whisper, "Nice watch, man." They hate that shit. Bonus points if you complement his class ring.
Hit the jukebox. See if there's any Meatloaf on it. If so, play "I Would Do Anything for Love" five times in a row. Other favorites include any ridiculously drawn-out Pink Floyd songs, Wham!, and Air Supply. If there's karaoke, sing a really poluar newish country song with all the wrong lyrics in a lounge-singer drawl.
Bring an orange in with you. Sit in the corner by the pool tables. Order 10 shots of whatever and sit there glaring at the dudes playing pool. Stay completely silent and continue staring at the games going on while you slowly and methodically peel and eat the orange. After the orange is finished, take all 10 shots in a row and then get up. Yell, "None of you are worth my time!"
Walk in with a newspaper under your arm. Order a beer at the bar and take it straight to the shitter. Take a dump with the stall door open, drinking your beer and reading the classified section. Bring a marker and circle job opportunities. When people come in, ask if they're hiring.
Try to finagle some kind of work uniform from a friend, like a walmart shirt and nametag, or a movie theatre usher's monkey suit. Sit at the bar and get hammered as quickly as possible. Anytime somebody tries to initiate conversation, get pissed off and bark, "I'm on my fuckin' break, man." The later at night it is, the better.
Wear tattered clothing and don't bathe for a couple days. Walk all around the bar area and gather up all the little dishes of peanuts. Find a seat and eat the peanuts and order water until they kick you out. Try to beg for money. Maybe bring a cardboard sign with "disabled vet" written on it.
Find any light switch you can. Flip it on and off and yell for last call. Try this one before 9 PM.
Lastly, never, EVER leave a shitty bar of your own admission. If you hate this bar, TRY to get kicked out. If a band is playing, it's almost too easy. Just holler at them or request songs nobody would know but yourself. Trust me, when you start screaming Anal Cunt songs at a Toby Keith tribute band in Oak Grove, KY, you won't have to be there for long.
User Reviews
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-26 18:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm getting +2 without even reading it? Jack. Pot.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-26 14:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read it.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-06-26 12:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wrote this.
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I hope so. I got a good laugh out of a couple of these.
Submitted by BRKNDREAMZ (user info) at 2007-06-26 12:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just because i'm from louisville,. simple and plain .. go cards !!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-06-26 09:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 worthy
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-25 07:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 06:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-25 04:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was some really funny shit.
On a side note, I'm pretty sure doing almost anything on that list in any bar south of the Mason Dixon Line would result in a severe and brutal thrashing by no less and 7 Good ole' Boys.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-06-25 00:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-24 23:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
And Kentucky kicks ass.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-24 23:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Levity (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
n00b below
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why do you think I didn't write this?
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've lived in this town for too long now. I wrote this. I'm sick of waffle house...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-24 22:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This would get you a good time just about anywhere, wouldn't it?
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-06-24 21:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I also have a sneaking suspicion that this is an e-mail you received.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-24 20:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny, but...
I reckon this was an email sent out regarding this town...
or did you REALLY write this yourself?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-24 19:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it bad that at least 50% of my fondest memories happened in a Waffle House?
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The only time I was in a Waffle house was in Kentucky.
Submitted by muhahaha (user info) at 2007-06-24 18:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it bad that at least 50% of my fondest memories happened in a Waffle House?
________________
Yes.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-06-24 18:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heyyyyy.... That last one might get me in trouble.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to ask a grunge band to play Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.
Submitted by billiam5billion (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My formal edjucation ended in the fifth grade, so I welcome any and all grammar corrections.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time my friend Geoff and I were at a Waffle House full of gangbangers and Geoff decided to put "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys on the jukebox ten times in a row. We left midway through the second repeat.
Is it bad that at least 50% of my fondest memories happened in a Waffle House?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aw, thanks ALMT!
:)
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Supercute grammar mistress below.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty cute.
ps: "of your own volition."
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-06-24 17:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lulz.