UBER, HELP! I'm In Grave Danger and I Fear For My Life! (656 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.52 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UNBAN S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2007-06-25 08:38:07 EDT
I'm being followed by some non-English speaking mercenary and his cronies and they have been paid to kill me! $50K to be exact and that's no small fries. What's more frightening is what they have been watching me do for the past 2 weeks while I was under surveillance. I drove slightly intoxicated once, I'm sorry. I've had sex with more than one girl, I'm sorry. I skipped church, I'm sorry, and even though I haven't been in over 7 years I'll start going again. I've taken too many poos and again, I'm sorry. I didn't floss two of those days, I'm sorry.
As I sit here typing this, I fear for my life because I have been warned not to involve anyone else, but as a last resort I'm relying on you, Uber, to help me stay safe. If anyone has a house, barn, garage, vagina that I can hide out in it would be greatly appreciated. Also, as I'm typing this, I'm moving around like Neo in the matrix to ensure that I don't get shot by a sniper bullet.
I tried to think over the last two weeks about something odd, out of place, something that would make the news of me being ready to be killed as truth. Aha! I was at the local bar, "The Shack" in the buzzing metropolis of Slatington. Okay, so it's a tiny town and the bar is known to be a staple to the toothless, the young up-and-coming drinkers, and the drunks. I bought a round for the entire bar the other night when I noticed him.
He was midnight black, so dark that all of the white men sitting around him looked like they were made from freon. Truth was, he had to be Nigerian. A Nigerian Knight, mercenary to some Sheik, surely it must be true. I know I'm doomed.
And then on a whim I checked my e-mail this morning and foudn this:
From : UNKOWNMISSION <nanremlap.at.mchsi.com>
Sent : Saturday, June 23, 2007 10:29 AM
Subject : WE ARE ALREADY PAID TO KILL YOU
Good day,
I want you to read this message very carefully, and keep the secret with you
till further notice, You have no need of knowing who I am or neither where am
from, till I make out a space for us to see, I have being paid $50,000.00 in
advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employers, its
one I believe you call a friend, I and two of my boys have followed you
closely for one week and three days now and have seen that you are innocent of
the accusation, Do not contact the police or F.B.I. or try to send a copy of
this to them, because if you do I will know, and might be pushed to do what I
have being paid to do, beside, this is the first time I turned out to be a
betrayer in my job.
please if you have not known God try and go closer to him because one of my
boy nearly gun you down two days ago if not for the misunderstanding that
befall the whole plans.
I am presently been accused by my employer of not carry out the mission as the
time given to us as just elapse. You don't need my phone contact for now till
am assured you are ready to comply with this notice. Do send your response to
me through this email address dixsonmission.at.yahoo.com.hk for further details.
Lucky You.
NB: LISTEN CAREFULLY ONCE AGAIN PLEASE, YOU WILL MAKE THING WORSEN
FOR YOUR SELF IF YOU DECIDE INVOLVE ANY THIRD PARTY INTO THIS.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do these assholes even try anymore? Help me spam this asshole or sign him up for some great christian reading material. Maybe a gay newsletter or 8 will help him shut the fuck up. dixsonmission.at.yahoo.com.hk
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-25 22:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU WILL MAKE THING WORSEN
FOR YOUR SELF IF YOU DECIDE INVOLVE ANY THIRD PARTY INTO THIS.
...is my new Uber catchphrase.
Hope you don't die.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-06-25 22:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that you? Please let that be you.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-25 21:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-25 17:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I
thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie `Spaceballs.' But
instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie `Police
Academy.
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-06-25 16:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks.. I feel all... warm and fuzzy inside...
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tavo, it's okay. You can be accepted into my trusty Legionnaires club dedicated to the strict hate for S.I. Co. Semen. There's already about a dozen to 16 members in there.
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that was harsh....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's what happens when you piss off Oathmeal - HE SENDS GIANT NEGROES TO CRUMPLE YOU
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/u/zimm0r
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha, +2 Apollo. I bet I could drink you under the table, you helium headed piece of rubbish.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stfu n00b
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would really appreciate it if you could send me the contact information of your assasins.... If theyre not gonna get the job done someone has to step in... but seriously... I'll do it for free if you post something like this again...
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And you would be?
A pussy alter, that's right. Quit being a faggot and shut the fuck up until I tell you that you are allowed to speak.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a stupid post.
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You would know the difference, would ya?
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would really appreciate it if you could send me the contact information of your assasins.... If theyre not gonna get the job done someone has to step in... but seriously... I'll do it for free if you post something like this again...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a stupid post.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well there goes what little faith I still had in the interwebs.....
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had sex with more than one girl, I'm sorry.
----
definately fiction
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 haircut and fucked up christians
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about gwenwyvar
User id: 10263
Registered on or around: 2004-07-13 18:36:05 EDT
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 61
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 35
# Hits: 824
Average rating of all messages: -1.35
Everything you ever wanted to know about Dirty_Girl
User id: 12750
Registered on or around: 2004-10-06 11:39:44 EDT
# Messages posted: 1
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Average rating of all messages: -1.18
Everything you ever wanted to know about Sydney
User id: 10970
Registered on or around: 2004-08-05 12:54:03 EDT
# Messages posted: 2
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# Hits: 512
Average rating of all messages: -1.62
Everything you ever wanted to know about sweetkisses
User id: 23451
Registered on or around: 2005-11-20 15:39:24 EST
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 66
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# Hits: 3260
Average rating of all messages: -1.18
Oh please call off your army of alters, oh mighty basement-dwelling faggot. I promise not to -2 you until your next post.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
<yawn>
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Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Was this supposed to be funny or a poorly executed Jeff Foxworthy episode?
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Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
---------------
It took you 20 minutes to log out of sweetkisses and into Sydney, eh?
What a 1337 h4x0rz you are.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
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No, it wasn't, but nice retal, faggot.
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Keep the alters coming, redneck.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm always being stalked, too, but fortunately for me, it's usually by hot broads.
Oh, and professorfuckface.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
cut&paste
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Took real sack to post this. They'll probably carry out the threat, though you've managed to warn the rest of us. Above and beyond, right there.
I salute you.
<salutes>
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn, now youo've involved someone else. i'm going to have to carry out my employers plan for you.
Submitted by muhahaha (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i asked them to put 3 sugars in my fucking coffee and i take the first sip AND THERE ISN'T ANY FUCKING SUGAR IN IT!!
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Sugar???? You are in soo much trouble.
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOOO! THEY CAN'T KILL SIMON! WHAT WILL HAPPEN OF BEEHIVES?! AND FANNYPACKS?! AND THE BUTTTTTTTTSECKSSSSSSSS
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't quite understand what the fuck your little Psycho wants you to do. weird
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I get onto your good side, just wondering!
have a +2!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i asked them to put 3 sugars in my fucking coffee and i take the first sip AND THERE ISN'T ANY FUCKING SUGAR IN IT!!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-25 08:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha! That's a new one.
Apparently all those Nigerian heirs finally got their inheritances and are now seeking revenge against all those who didn't help.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 08:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christian reading material and/or gay porn (they amount to the same thing) are on their way.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 08:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Found.