Male Bonding Is Fine, And I'm Comfortable With My Sexuality, So Why Am I Afraid To Use The Toilet? (1596 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.81 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-06-25 08:46:16 EDT
It seems I may have taken the piss a little more than I should have done.
For the past few years, I've been living on easy street in terms of employment. My job is, to put it simply, completely unnecessary. I get the occasional spell of work that might keep me busy for a few days, but for 90 percent of the time, I don't even need to be here. In fact, because of the electric I use when I am in, they'd be better off sending me home.
I've managed to keep up the pretence of looking busy for a long time, and I've become fucking proud of my routine.
"Joey - I need some numbers for a report I'm working on, could you take a look at these?"
"Uh, sure, I'm a little snowed under right now -" I pause to spread various irrelevant pieces of paper around my desk "- but leave it with me, I'll do it as soon as I get a chance."
The request will happily sit in my in-tray for three days before I finally set aside twenty minutes to do it.
"Thanks Joey, you've saved my ass on this one. What would I do without you, eh?"
My manager gets his figures, and I get to surf the net, safe in the knowledge that he thinks I'm working my ass off for the company.
Everybody's happy.
So why try to and fix what isn't broken?
Last week, he called me into his office.
"I've noticed we've been putting you under a lot of strain recently. I know how hard you've been working and you've done a damn good job. But it's not fair for us to keep expecting you to do it all on your own, so I've arranged for someone to help you out! Isn't that great?"
Fuckfuckfuck........fuck. And double fuck. This is the last thing I need. This is not 'great'. I couldn't think of anything less 'great'. This is about as 'great' as having your balls clapped between two bricks.
"That's great."
"See, I knew you'd be pleased!"
"Look, I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm ok, really, I can cope."
"You shouldn't have to cope all the time, that's my point. Guy like you needs a break once in a while."
Most of my fucking working day is a break, that's what I like about it.
"I'm fine, really!"
"Well, I insist. In fact, I've already chosen who's gonna be working with you. Danny, from the servicing team. He's a good guy. He'll help you out with all your stuff. He starts in a couple of weeks, so you'll need to show him the ropes."
I left the office and contemplated my predicament.
What the hell was I supposed to show Danny?
Well, Danny, here's the only piece of work we have to do this week, so we'll save that until Wednesday when we're really bored. In the mean time, I have some awesome games saved on my computer. Next we'll spend half an hour building a makeshift climbing frame from unfolded paper clips. Lemme see, what else...... oh yeah! Here's this website where we all laugh about rape and make fun of people's baby pictures.
Hmm.
Something needed to be done. What if I didn't have anything to show Danny? Worst of all, what if he actually found some work to do? My whole operation would be compromised, and I would be revealed as the lazy, work shy slob that I am.
I would need to evaluate the situation. I didn't know much about Danny, so I would have to find out what he was like. I would need to check out the competition.
I had seen him about the building loads of times, but didn't know much about him. I took a walk to the servicing department and introduced myself.
"Hi, you're Danny, right?"
"Uh-huh." He looked up from his keyboard. He had a small, pale face that was lumpy from bad acne scars. His thick glasses perched on the end of his nose, and he had a mop of brown hair on his head.
"I'm Joey. Thought I'd introduce myself, seeing as we're gonna be working together."
"Oh. Okay." He turned back to his screen and carried on typing.
Well, aren't you just the little fucking chatterbox. I bet you wow all the girls with banter like that.
"So...... fancy going out for a drink after work? Get to know each other?"
He looked up at me as if I was from another planet.
"Drink? On a week night? I don't know...."
"Ah, c'mon Danny! Live a little. Go crazy. You could even have some crisps as well."
"Oh, alright." He turned back to his screen.
"Good......I'll see you in the Royal Oak just after five."
I finished work and went to the pub, half expecting him not to turn up. But he arrived, entering the bar as if he were going into an arena of wild beasts.
"Hey Danny," I shouted from across the bar. "Over here! What you drinking?" He came over to where I stood at the bar.
"I'll have a gin and tonic, please. With lots of ice. And a slice of lemon. In a tall glass."
"You want an umbrella with that?"
"No! Do you think I'm some sort of girl?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but thought better of it. I got the drinks and we went to a table.
"So, you pleased you got this new job then?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you sound, um..... ecstatic. Good for you. I expect you're saving all your celebrating for when you get back to your bachelor pad, huh?"
"Actually, I still live at home."
"Okaaay...... well, you save on rent I guess. So what do you do for fun?"
"Fun?"
"Yeah. You must like doing stuff."
"Well, I like the internet."
I spent the next hour or so trying to talk to him like this, and it was hard work. But alcohol, the ever faithful advocate for information, was starting to work its magic. A few G & T's were starting to bring Danny out of his shell.
"Well, there was this one time I went out with my roommates from University, and we all got drunk. They tied me to a lamppost."
"Yeah, I've heard about those students. Always playing pranks..."
"Pranks? No, they just tied me up. And left me. By the time I figured out they weren't coming back, it was 4 am and a stray dog had peed on me."
"Oh..... well, what about women? Got your eye on anyone?"
"I don't really have much luck with the ladies."
Really? I'd never have guessed....
"What about Sally. She's pretty hot." At the sound of Sally's name, Danny lifted his head up.
"Oh yeah.... Sally's real nice! I like to..... to.... y'know."
"Like to what? To shag her brains out? To bend her over the desk and fuck her into next week?"
"No! I mean, yeah I would, but y'know, I think about her, when I...when I..."
"When you have a wank?"
Danny blushed.
"Hey, don't worry about it! There's nothing wrong with doing that when you're tucked up in bed........ in your parents house.......alone with your internet connection."
"Oh no! I wouldn't do that at home. What if I got caught?"
I thought about this for a few seconds.
"Well, if you don't do it at home...... then where do you-"
That's when it hit me.
"You spend a lot of time in the toilets at work, don'tcha Danny?"
Danny nodded.
I drank my drink, made an excuse and left.
I went to work the following day, and didn't think much about Danny and his bog break habits. As usual, I went with friends for the customary lunchtime pint, and even had one of the dodgy looking pickled eggs from behind the bar.
I got back to work, and within an hour, my stomach was regretting the egg. I went to the toilet, shut myself in a cubicle, and sat down.
Then, I got back up.
I think about her, when I...when I..."
How exactly does one have a wank in a small toilet cubicle?
There's no room to lie down, so standing up is a certainty. But what about the little details?
Do you just jerk off and fire your load into the toilet bowl? If so, then surely there must be room for error. What if a few pumps went astray and hit the seat? Would the culprit wipe up the offending spunk lumps, or leave them to dry in the humid toilet atmosphere?
Seminal fluid isn't usually top of the list when it comes to 'bodily excretions I would accept near my anus'.
Or do you tug away, and catch the release in some of the tracing paper style toilet roll on offer?
If so, then sticky hands have adorned the little dispensing machine.
I looked around the small cubicle, and claustrophobia kicked in. I was trapped in a semen-like fortress, where every available surface was tainted with the putrid love juice of a geeky loner.
Could I even slide the lock to get out?
There's no water source in here that he could have cleaned his hands with, so even the lock is infected with the bachelor's batch.
In the cubicle next to mine, someone let out a moan.
They may only be taking a shit, but I'm not taking any chances.
I kicked open the cubicle door, and ran screaming from the toilets, collapsing in a heap in the corridor.
I'm never gonna curl a log in this place again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-25 13:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You set up a nice problem for yourself; i.e., the new co-worker's imminent and unwelcome intrusion into your workday routine, but then the story petered out and limped across the finish line with no real climax.
actually sounds as though there've been several... as for tha pitcure... is that a poop breaker propped up on the left side of the bowl?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-25 13:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it in your corporate policy manual that a courtesy seat lift is expected when wanking into the toilet bowl?
Okay, it's not in mine, either. But maybe people would actually READ the damn things if there was useful information like that in the workplace policies.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-25 12:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE ARE YOU JOEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-06-26 14:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-06-26 10:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurtsy+Gentleman=Truth
And blarf@picture.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-06-26 09:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-25 21:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-06-25 18:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, I'd read a novel written like this.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-06-25 18:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-25 16:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait..doesn't everyone diddle at work?
No?
Oh.
Yeah me neither.
--------
Noonie.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-25 17:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uh, sure, I'm a little snowed under right now -" I pause to spread various irrelevant pieces of paper around my desk
------------
I do that all the time. I've also perfected the 'scrunching your face in concentration' whilst looking at the computer, a look that says 'i'm busy AND important'
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-25 16:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The bowl?
What, are you too good to just stroke off and shoot into a urinal??
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-25 16:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait..doesn't everyone diddle at work?
No?
Oh.
Yeah me neither.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, get your bottom down here to entertain me over a beer or eight.
There were a few moments in this that made me retch a bit.....please refrain from making me do that whilst drinking. The results would be spectacular, but not all that pleasent. DEFFINATELY not attractive.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for anything that involves wanking at work...
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You set up a nice problem for yourself; i.e., the new co-worker's imminent and unwelcome intrusion into your workday routine, but then the story petered out and limped across the finish line with no real climax.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Update on the ear ejaculation.
A co-worker has just read the comment over my shoulder. As she knows we are shagging, this is all around the office. The girl in question is not in the office today. She will not be happy when she returns. Mercifully, she has a good sense of humour.
-----
true gentleman...
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-06-25 12:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me, the post was excellent and the responses on par as well.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"and even had one of the dodgy looking pickled eggs from behind the bar. "
fucking RETCH!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'D LOVE TO KNOW WHERE YOU WORK - I JUST REALISED CAPITALS IS ON BUT I'VE GOT THIS FAR....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Update on the ear ejaculation.
A co-worker has just read the comment over my shoulder. As she knows we are shagging, this is all around the office. The girl in question is not in the office today. She will not be happy when she returns. Mercifully, she has a good sense of humour.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
toilets...boards.....your Dad's mug of tea......
Is there anywhere people DON'T come these days?
=====================
I managed to ejaculate into the ear of a fine young lady a couple of nights ago.
Towards the end of a most enjoyable blowjob her roommate knocked on the door. Unfortunately I was at the point of no return and as she turned her head to tell them to fuck off I came straight down her ear canal.
She was not pleased.
I was in hysterics.
------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, as usual. I expect updates on the new assistant as well.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Proxies are a thing of beauty. Auto +2 everything today.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There's nothing wrong with doing that when you're tucked up in bed........ in your parents house.......alone with your internet connection."
HAHAHAHAHAHAAH
between that and the semen fortress....(blaarffffff)
+2+2+2+2
:)
joeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! another weekend's passed.....
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-06-25 11:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi-fucking-larious
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you can get fired for wanking in the workplace?
i didn't see that on the directives.
i know i can't be at work drunk or drugged, but blowing my wad?
how do you prove he's doing this?
fotographic evidence?
hoisting over the privy door and yelling "cheese, ya two fister!"
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:24:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean, he lives at home and does nothing, no point in having him come on board then?
===============
I think the problem is that he's coming on the toilet. The boards are an irrelevance.
------------
toilets...boards.....your Dad's mug of tea......
Is there anywhere people DON'T come these days?
--
You missed the memo?
I'm trying my hand (quite literally) in the park at the moment.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
toilets...boards.....your Dad's mug of tea......
Is there anywhere people DON'T come these days?
=====================
I managed to ejaculate into the ear of a fine young lady a couple of nights ago.
Towards the end of a most enjoyable blowjob her roommate knocked on the door. Unfortunately I was at the point of no return and as she turned her head to tell them to fuck off I came straight down her ear canal.
She was not pleased.
I was in hysterics.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 15:24:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean, he lives at home and does nothing, no point in having him come on board then?
===============
I think the problem is that he's coming on the toilet. The boards are an irrelevance.
------------
toilets...boards.....your Dad's mug of tea......
Is there anywhere people DON'T come these days?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"a semen-like fortress"
That's rank. Another amusing tale though.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean, he lives at home and does nothing, no point in having him come on board then?
===============
I think the problem is that he's coming on the toilet. The boards are an irrelevance.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
get danny fired for wanking...then you're free and clear on the work front.
i mean, he lives at home and does nothing, no point in having him come on board then?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-25 10:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha
nice one, JoeyG
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok spunk lumps... that made me choke.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hate to say it, but compared to your other stories, somewhat lacking.
still bright with your british humour, which shines as always.
i raise my coffee mug to you sir and thank you for your support in killing a few minutes in this office. cheers.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, I reckon we have the same fucking Job! - It's all about the paperclip climbing frames!
I however, split up my long periods of wasting time with the odd work jerk. You just aim the fucker into the bowl, you do hit the rim now and then but nothing a little bug roll wipe won't fix.
Ahhh - Makes you feel like a pornstar.
Imagine that awesome feeling of getting paid to shit at work, multiplied by about 1,000,000!
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've seen better, but much worse also.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:02:26 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:57:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I regularly wank at work. I clean up though.
------------
Glad to hear it.
This country needs more people like you, and less people who piss in the hand soap dispensers.
(I only did that once, I swear)
===============
That has given me a whole host of ideas. I'm only here for another week :)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-25 14:11:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to take your little buddy in hand.
-----------
Literally?
Well, I'm not usually that way inclined, but if that's what it's gonna take......
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And by that I mean Danny. Not 'your' little buddy; not that I know if its little or not, just a euphemism.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanking at work. Christ I have never actually thought of having one at work. I mean work toilets always have that 'Special' smell to them that really doesnt sit well with the whole 'whacking one off the wrist' type of feeling.
You need to take your little buddy in hand.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your company is paying him to jerk off. That almost makes him a porn star.
----------
I never thought of it like that.
you know, I've got a few minutes spare, I might just......
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's honestly never occured to me to wank it at work. Course, I've always worked with unattractive people.
But you do have to give your little buddy credit, your company is paying him to jerk off. That almost makes him a porn star.
Oh, and filename.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, the work jerk....I mean....
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-25 09:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 13:57:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I regularly wank at work. I clean up though.
------------
Glad to hear it.
This country needs more people like you, and less people who piss in the hand soap dispensers.
(I only did that once, I swear)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-06-25 08:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I regularly wank at work. I clean up though.
Submitted by we_die_young (user info) at 2007-06-25 08:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As the rank thing says, this is a kicker of all ass.
"Fuckfuckfuck........fuck. And double fuck. This is the last thing I need. This is not 'great'. I couldn't think of anything less 'great'. This is about as 'great' as having your balls clapped between two bricks."
You are my idol.