My Juliet (686 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ih8u2man (View user info) at 2007-06-26 16:06:35 EDT
In the morning air.
I can smell her hair.
I can touch her face.
I can hold this embrace.
Because time is wandering.
Passing by.
Emptiness waits for those who die.
But me - I'll live forevermore,
Through her I touch the sky.
Through her I'll never die.
Forbidden love.
I cannot know.
I cannot touch her.
I cannot go.
There's love inside these words I write.
There's something deep I need to fight.
Forbidden love.
I cannot know.
I cannot touch her.
I cannot go.
I wait in darkness, shallow hearts.
Breathing softly as two parts.
Tracing the outline of your soul.
I'm touching you between the folds of sheets on beds that burn with fire.
Burn with passion.
With desire.
Forbidden love.
I cannot know.
I cannot touch her.
I cannot go.
I see you sleeping. Gently there.
Touch your face and smell your hair.
Hold your body close to mine.
Feel my warmth.
Stopping time.
I see the way you look at me.
I see the way we were.
I see the face I knew once then,
And the face that I know now.
I hear your words and touch your soul,
Close your eyes my little girl.
Sleeping close, I hold you tight.
The shadows dance in pale moonlight,
We're safe in here together.
We safe in here forever.
Let's stay inside tonight.
And speak no words at all.
Let's drink our poisons, surrender souls.
Forbidden love.
I cannot know.
I cannot touch her.
I cannot go.
My Juliet.
I am so taken by your presence.
I don't know who you are.
But I do.
I remember you.
You are my Juliet.
User Reviews
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-06-27 18:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks goferforhire. I do appreciate the more constructive critic angle.
I will consider your points, however the lack of "style" as you put it...
is the style...this comes from within me, I am not sure where. But thanks
for taking the time to write all that out for me. Sorry I called you an
obnoxious little troll the other day pal. No hard feelings?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-06-27 16:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know I don't like your work, and we've had our little fusses before, so I won't insult you. I'll just try to give you constructive criticism. If you receive it the way you receive my non-constructive criticism... well that's your right and your funeral.
I'll tell you exactly why I don't like this one, which I think is very representative of your work, though somewhat more formulaic and less 'you' than some of the other ones.
You don't seem to have a 'style' really, which might be because you're experimenting I suppose, but it really shows here. You flip/flop between extremely traditional rhyme patterns (aabb) and something you'd expect from someone more like Coleridge- inventively traditional, as it were, such as in the second stanza and the one with the line that sticks out because it's really long (I'm touching you between the folds of sheets on beds that burn with fire).
Your biggest problem is meter. You're using tetrameter for the most part, which keeps the rhymes too close together and has a tendency to sound hackneyed (well received poems written in this fashion include several mock epics which played on the stiff silliness of the meter to be funny, but you're trying to be serious). It sounds stiff, and you make sacrifices for it, which is unwise. You break out of it on several occasions, but the rest is so strong that it tends to sound lazy.
If you need the rhythm to keep you regular, try pentameter instead of tetrameter. It's not really harder and it works better.
In terms of your images, I won't tell you they're cliched because that's an opinion and you'll simply take offense to it. I'll tell you I've heard them all before and that's how you'll hear it in a poetry workshop. You often establish a refrain for things which is a bizarre image, such as the 'hate gun' motif from previous work, but it often acts as an umbrella for the unoriginality of the rest.
That's what I don't like. I tried to put it in a helpful way. I hope it is.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-27 11:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-06-27 10:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ding-dong the witch is dead
Which old witch? The wicked witch
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-27 10:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-06-27 02:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
got a little bumpy sometimes, but still puts me to shame.
impressive.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-27 01:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
- ee cummings
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-06-27 00:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
So do our minutes hasten to their end;
Each changing place with that which goes before,
In sequent toil all forwards do contend.
Nativity, once in the main of light,
Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crowned,
Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,
And Time that gave doth now his gift confound.
Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth
And delves the parallels in beauty's brow,
Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,
And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:
And yet to times in hope, my verse shall stand
Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.
William Shakespeare, Sonnet LX
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-06-26 23:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fly so high,
in the sky
with a sigh,
I float on by
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-26 21:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fortunes fool,
With a cup too wide and breaches to sturdy,
His love never meant for a girl this dirty.
Oh woe the lovers' cry shall shout,
Her mothers tongue, bitten, with drought.
The shame of one so above her station,
Near wonder her father was of late procreation.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-26 19:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
really meh
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-26 17:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 pretty picture
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-06-26 17:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 pretty poetry
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-06-26 17:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-26 17:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what's with all the poetry ya pansy?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should really record this as a song.
...and that fucking picture couldn't be more perfect.
You know, I think from content to composition - this is one of the finest crafted posts I have ever read on uber. Outstanding, sir.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great pic
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Magic.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I liked that, and I'm pretty sure that isnt the wine talking.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh
Juliet is my first name.
how lovely..
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for the picture.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-26 16:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment