My War (kinda SPT) (1225 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2007-06-28 13:43:26 EDT
My house is under siege. Neither I, nor any living thing around me are safe. The squirrels in my neighbourhood are on the attack, and I fear for my life.
It started three years ago when I had moved in with The Scotsman. I decided that the outside of the house was a little drab and needed sprucing up, so I went to the local nursery to load up on plants and flowers. I fancied myself quite the gardener at the start. I shortly learned a harsh and increasingly expensive fact: I am the Angel of Death of the horticultural world. A herbicidal maniac, if you will. I'm unable to keep anything but the hardiest plants alive. But, after a lot of trial and error, I figured out what worked for me and all was well. That is until the squirrels began their campaign of terror.
It started almost innocently enough. They would dig holes in the garden and in the planters, supposedly looking for food. I was afraid that they would damage the root systems, but didn't want to harm the cute little critters, so I searched for a humane deterrent. I found "Critter Ridder", a chemical-free animal repellent that smelled strongly of black pepper, in the local nursery. It was supposed to offend their noses, and if they got close enough, their little feet. I sprinkled it around the perimeter of the gardens, in the pots and baskets, and on the deck railing where the box planters were. I thought all was well until the next day. I came out to water the plants and discovered to my horror that all was not well. There had been a massacre, gentle reader, and the carnage was horrific.
Apparently the Critter Ridder had enraged the squirrels and mere digging was no longer satisfactory. They had uprooted all the plants in the box planters and thrown them all over the deck. Anything they couldn't pull up was chewed in half and stomped flat. My Foxgloves looked like they had been through a tornado, their delicate pink tubes in tatters on the grass, their tall stalks broken. The wave petunias in the hanging baskets were shredded...I could go on, but I have something in my eye. I re-planted what I could and reviewed my remaining options: predator excrement from the zoo or blood meal. I opted for blood meal; less mess and it didn't smell half as bad. It attracted an equal amount of flies, but that was temporary and tolerable. It worked! The soil and plants remained untouched. But the story doesn't end here, O my brothers, there is more. My next move would earn me an enemy and my first would-be assassin.
It was a normal looking black squirrel, like the thousands that reside in southern Ontario. I saw him through the window, helping himself to my poor Coleus and what was left of my Salvia. I put on a pair of rubber gloves and balled up a discarded pair of The Scotsman's socks. I opened the back door and whipped the offensive-smelling ball at the squirrel. Unfortunately, I missed because I throw like a girl, and hit the deck railing where he was perched. He looked my way and started to chatter, twitching his tail, gesticulating wildly with his wee paws. I swear I heard him call me a two-dollar whore in his little Chip n Dale voice. He scurried away when I'd fetched the broom.
A few days later, I was in the kitchen when I heard a sharp crack in the living room behind me. I popped my head around the wall and saw nothing. I shrugged and went back to soaking my potatoes in whisky. I heard another thwack, it sounded like something was hitting the windows. I drew back the curtain and saw the same squirrel, perched on top of the barbecue, lobbing acorns at my windows. I fetched the broom again and he was gone. I picked up one of the acorns and noticed that there was a tiny word scrawled on the side. Upon gathering up the rest, I noticed that each one had a word scratched into its surface. I figured the little bastard was delivering a message, and I was meant to solve his little puzzle. I spread the acorns on the table and started moving them around. In a few minutes, I had it solved! As I read, I spat out the celebratory shot I had just tipped back. The acorns read "IRISH BITCH WILL DIE SOON. CHOKE ON YOUR BOOZE, BRAZEN HARLOT."
I took to carrying my broom wherever I went, the only thing that the devil vermin seemed to fear.
A few days later, I pulled into the driveway. I opened the car door, and leaned back to grab something from the back seat. I heard a crash to my left and a high-pitched "BLAST!" I looked on the ground beside the open door and saw a rock the size of my head, split in half and embedded in the asphalt. I carefully poked my head out and saw the squirrel silhouetted against the sun, staring at me from the peak of our garage's roof. He was hurling insults and threats as I coolly drew my broom out from the passenger seat. He scuttled off, promising to return soon.
His last visit was a Saturday morning. I was awoken by a scratching noise above my head. I half opened my eyes and sat up. It was coming from the window. I drew back the curtain and came face to face with that little bugger, clinging to my screen, his black eyes spinning in his head.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed
"YOU GONNA DIE!" he squealed back.
"IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!" I picked up my high-powered Super Soaker off the nightstand and opened fire. The jet of water blew him off the screen and onto the deck below. He lay there, not dead, but only stunned. The commotion attracted Oscar, a grey cat with half a tail who belonged to our elderly neighbour. Licking his chops, he climbed the privacy trellis and leapt upon the dazed squirrel. That was the end of the would-be assassin, and Oscar was treated to belly rubs and as many Temptations as he could eat. After that, the squirrels seemed to steer clear of my house....for a time.
This past spring, I planted a few new flowers and spread some cedar mulch to neaten things up a bit. I admired my work and went inside for some Crown to celebrate a job well done. The next morning as I was leaving for work, I noticed that a few chips of cedar were scattered on the porch. I looked up and saw the front walk covered in soil, mulch and shreds of everything I had planted. The hanging baskets had been brought down, crushing the climbing vines. The squirrels had returned, and I had forgotten the two things I had to protect me: the blood meal and my trusty broom. I looked up just in time to see a hail of gravel being pushed off the roof onto my head. Just before things went black, I heard a little voice squeal "That's for Squeezle, you murdering lush!"
When I regained consciousness, the vermin were gone and there was a note stuck to my forearm. It read, "If you have survived, watch your back."
That is where the story ends for now, friends. I am still at war with the little demon bastards. The blood meal has been spread and I've employed Oscar to patrol when I'm at work, and his brother Tom will patrol at night. It's fairly inexpensive as they work for treats and scratches. I've stashed brooms all around the property as they're quite cumbersome to carry, but some of them have vanished and re-appeared on the front porch in pieces. I suspect that they're getting help from those dastardly raccoons. If I disappear without warning, you will know that the squirrels have succeeded in their mission to eliminate me. Wish me luck.
User Reviews
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-24 10:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well okey-dokey then.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-10-24 09:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-24 09:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh. Missed this first time round.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-24 09:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh. Missed this first time round.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-03 01:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha! rodent infestations are awesome.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-29 16:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Susie, you might need to camwhore again.
I've made a list of outfits you could possibly wear...
... none of which are remotely appropriate.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-29 16:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-06-29 11:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-06-29 08:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words. Pellet. Gun.
Submitted by we_die_young (user info) at 2007-06-29 06:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-06-28 23:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw him through the window, helping himself to my poor Coleus and what was left of my Salvia.
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I think you'll find that once you get rid of the Salvia, the squirrels will stop acting like that, because they will no longer be hallucinating.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-28 20:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't wanna mention the possums in my roof again, but I have possums in my roof.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-28 20:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm..I never rated this today? Weird.
I used to rent a house with friends. For SEVEN YEARS we had squirrels in the crawlspaces and the landlord was so inept we had to live with it.
Once, while I was at work, my roommate saw a squirrel's foot COME THROUGH THE CEILING in the kitchen. Witness accounts state that he ran across the house like a woman.
I used to hear them playing, fucking, birthing, you name it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-06-28 20:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-07 08:36:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Godammit.
The thing is - awesome story, by the way - rating alters' posts is a bit.. I don't know. Futile. Because eventually they turn out to be squattail, who reverts to his shitty behavior, or Method, who says "haha you morons gave me good ratings."
Oh well. Nice story.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-28 18:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Miss Derkins is quite adorable. I've seen many a pictures.
... and she's much nicer to me than Ghola.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-06-28 18:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-06-28 17:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That Squeezle fucker owed me money
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-06-28 17:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Legend
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-06-28 16:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-06-28 16:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrels are evil
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-06-28 16:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah boy
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-28 16:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-06-28 15:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tree-rats
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 15:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RHYMING IS FUNNY
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 15:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like Wonder Woman's lasso, only in my asso.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 15:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep. Susie's real all right.
My fancy, when tickled, makes me go all blammo and tell the truth.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 15:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90785 That one seemed to tickle your fancy, dear poet.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I demand a camwhore of Susie's fingers. It's the only way I'll know for sure.
PUT SUSIE ON THE PHONE, PREDATOR.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agent Smith was an alter. One of Method's I believe.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I feel like I'm in the Matrix - everybody is turning into Agent Smith. And they all think I'm a retard.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, like I said to Miss Berry, there are a few users that I talk to outside the site who know my real name, what I look like and what I take in my tea. You want confirmation, ask them. I'm not going any further than that to prove I'm real.
-------------------------------------------------
Yeah, but how do we know that THEY are not SICO's alters too (or bart's)?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, like I said to Miss Berry, there are a few users that I talk to outside the site who know my real name, what I look like and what I take in my tea. You want confirmation, ask them. I'm not going any further than that to prove I'm real.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and I have seen Ms. Derkins on webcam. I can vouch for her as either being real, or a very advanced 3D animation utility.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrel problem eh...here's what you do:
Take some antifreeze, put it in a pan and leave it outside overnight. In the morning you will find several rodents dead around the pan....the antifreeze is sweet and they will drink it and die.
So I've heard
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"He" doth protests too fucking much.
OK...prove it...
BY SHOWING SHLONGY YOUR HOLE!
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, listen up, I'm only going to say this one more time to the non-believers: I AM NOT AN ALTER, SICOSEMEN'S OR OTHERWISE. I AM A REAL FLESH AND BLOOD HUMAN FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! Honestly, people. I can see how you'd be suspicious as it's hard to tell these days, but I swear on my right eye that I'm not an alter. NOT. AN. ALTER.
===========
Ok now I'm suspicious.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember when I was a kid and saw a squirrel get blasted off of the high-tension wires behind my house.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not an alter either, no one would have me
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, listen up, I'm only going to say this one more time to the non-believers: I AM NOT AN ALTER, SICOSEMEN'S OR OTHERWISE. I AM A REAL FLESH AND BLOOD HUMAN FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! Honestly, people. I can see how you'd be suspicious as it's hard to tell these days, but I swear on my right eye that I'm not an alter. NOT. AN. ALTER.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quiet Bart, I'm flirting with Susie
---------------
Ah fuck it - even IF YOU are Sico. That was funny.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough with the alter crap, jesus...look at the proof people, could sico write this....noooooo
so pull your fucking heads out
oh, good story simon
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forensic - you're on. I'll put our viscious black squirrel up against your brownies any day. But apparently German squirrels are even crazier, I read an article about some dude getting attacked by one and losing part of his hand.
Juls - can I borrow your dog? I haven't seen Oscar lately and fear he may have passed on.
O - interesting theory....very interesting indeed.
Thanks for the B@W noms, I wasn't expecting that.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to be naive or anything - but if this is a Sico alter I'm gonna give this shit up. Uber, I mean. Fuck. If all this time I have been communicating with just one fucking jackass with multiple fucking personalities..... I mean, is bart really just sitting in his parents' basement making up hundreds of alters and having a conversation with himself to attract a little attention from some dolt like me? Tell me it aint so. Please
--
Quiet Bart, I'm flirting with Susie
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to be naive or anything - but if this is a Sico alter I'm gonna give this shit up. Uber, I mean. Fuck. If all this time I have been communicating with just one fucking jackass with multiple fucking personalities..... I mean, is bart really just sitting in his parents' basement making up hundreds of alters and having a conversation with himself to attract a little attention from some dolt like me? Tell me it aint so. Please.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I really have to fucking spell it out. "Flapjacks." This "Derkins" character coming from the land of maple syrup. WHAT GOES BETTER WITH FLAPJACKS THAN MAPLE SYRUP.
Besides blowjobs, I mean.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
B@W, even...
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We didn't have a cap on the top of our chimney so squirrels would make nests above the flue and on some type of ledge in the chimney. Christmas time the squirrel babies would start falling down into the fireplace while it was lit. Ever have Christmas dinner with the sounds of charring baby squirrels screaming their death knolls at supersonic frequencys.
Recently full grown squirrels have made their way down and my dog who rarely moves for anything but food is overcome by his terrier ancestry and destroys them. A few months back I came down in the morning to find squirrel bodies all over the livingroom. And the really messed up part is after cleaning them all up, I was pulling the mop out of a bucket that had been left in the kicthen overnight to unearth a squirrel dead clinging to the mop submerged in the water. My dog is apparently the Patrick Bateman of little fat terriers.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jawsome
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-06-28 14:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU AND POST UNDER YOUR REAL ACCOUNT.............SICOSEMEN
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I heard through the Uber grapevine that you're an alter. True?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have squirells that are always getting on my nuts, so I have them rigged up to a battery and when the little bastards get on them I flip a switch and they leap off.
Actually I havent done it for a while back in a mo.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mmm...incapacitating.
-- Homer Simpson
The Springfield Connection
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha!
B@W!
On a related note, I've heard that Canadian black squirels are fearsome. I propose sending my Missouri brown squirels up your way.
They're gluttons, they don't fear humans....at all....I mean they'll jack you for food! But...since they're gluttons, they're rather fat and relatively slow moving.
So, you up for an exchange?
I'm tired of getting mugged when I come home from the grocery store.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-06-28 13:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Use a bolt-action .22 rifle and cap-only rounds. No louder than a BB gun, won't penetrate wood siding or drywall, kills squirrels D-E-D.