Does Anybody Know Somebody Hiring Bartenders? (1047 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2007-07-01 21:35:48 EDT
As I'm sure none of you have noticed or cared, I haven't been around ubersite much lately. That's because I told the corporate fuck-sticks I work for that they can go fuck themselves. With their own fuck-stick. So now I don't sit in front of a computer all day.
It makes me weep, it does.
LITTLE SALLY: I think I speak for all of ubersite when I say that nobody gives a shit, BLT!
Fuck you, Little Sally. Your posts are fucking garbage.
Anyhow, I have returned to my previous and let me mention mankind's most noble profession; bartending. Or as Jack Nicholson most eloquently put it once; "An idiot pushing the last legal drug." Although I already have a job, I'm always looking for a better place!
I'm an excellent bartender, by the way; if you overlook that I drink on the job, steal, sexually harass the waitresses, abuse the customers, break a lot of glasses, come in late, and let all of my friends drink for free.
Does anybody know somebody who's hiring? Here's my resume, just in case:
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Barthalemew Leopold Tamanizajew
(212) 555-1212
beeltea.at.yahoo.com
OBJECTIVE:
Seeking an opportunity in which somebody will give me money to stand around doing crossword puzzles while drinking free coffee and not be fucking bothered.
RELEVANT SKILLS:
Incredibly poor attitude. Abusive and unnecessarily mean-spirited towards customers. Dishonest. Lazy. Openly racist. Apathetic about learning new skills. Resistant to change. I offer rude, sloppy, inefficient service, and manage to rub all customers and co-workers the wrong way. Seven years New York City bartending experience. Familiar with most computer systems.
EXPERIENCE:
Gus's Bistro and Bar: Manager, Head Bartender.
-Oversaw all front of house service.
-Ran bar and service bar.
-Let my friends drink for free until 8 in the morning after shifts.
-Watched a co-worker get a blow job on the bar.
-In charge of liquor inventory.
-Never did liquor inventory.
-Have some great pics of me guzzling straight from a bottle of Glenlivet 18.
Reason for leaving: Place went out of business.
Comfort: Head Bartender, Day Manager
-Worked in a busy Chelsea restaurant with no surveillance system.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Fucked a hostess in the liquor room.
-Buy some cameras, dumbasses.
Reason for leaving: Got into a fist-fight with the general manager over something to do with lemons.
Tour: Bartender, Cashier
-Ran bar and service bar in a high-volume Chelsea night spot.
-Stole money directly from the register.
-Railed lines of blow in the bathroom stall.
-Candidly spoke out against homosexuality in a gay-friendly neighborhood and commonly referred to the predominantly gay wait staff as: fags, faggots, queers, cum-guzzlers, ass-pounders, rainbow people, chest-waxers, knob gobblers, the pride-ful, rodeo clowns, dick-elongaters, the civilly unionized, and bend-over bennies. (As in, "Hey, would one of you bend-over bennies hand me this champagne flute? It's on the top shelf and I can't reach it.)
Reason for leaving: Fired. Showed up drunk for a shift and accidentally flooded the kitchen, closing the place down for five days.
EDUCATION:
"BRANDT: You never went to college...
THE DUDE: Oh, no I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings... smoking a lot of thai stick... breaking into the ROTC... and bowling. To tell you the truth Brandt, I don't remember most of it."
REFERENCES UPON REQUEST.
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Allright! Make sure to let me know! Oh, and as you can see from my resume, I also have managerial experience.
Your uber pal,
BLT
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-02 12:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just kidding crystle you're cool.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-11-01 00:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know what i hate? I'll bet you didn't want to know. Too late, dickhead. I hate people who say "IRL" for "In Real Life"
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Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone you know IRL see this?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-21 11:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-21 09:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're welcome, have another.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-28 08:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/sicosemen
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
see below.
ahahahahahahaha
*gasp*
ahahahahaha
Someone you know IRL see this?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-27 17:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just so we're clear, let it be known that there isn't a shred of truth to any of this.
For amusement purposes only.
Ha ha.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-19 13:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked tending bar
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-04 21:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-03 20:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hired!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-07-03 19:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-02 13:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-07-02 12:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-02 12:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yes
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-02 12:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-02 10:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seen all of it. Done most of it.
I fucking love being a bartender.
It's the only job I can think of that the nastier you are, and the ruder you are, the more the "clientele", and management, love you. You are the closest thing to a celebrity (without fame and fortune).
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-02 10:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-02 09:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucked a hostess in the liquor room.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey mona, oooh mona
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are cool people on this post and this post is posted by a cool poster.
Thus, +2ing is a formulaic necessity.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-02 07:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're probably more capable then those freaks who serve me my beers during the weekend.
But what can i expect? The places i frequent are 5 levels below the famous 'dive'.
They should drop the term 'bar', and call it 'meat-exchange'...
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-07-02 05:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forwarded your resume on to a child care facility.
They'll call you soon.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*gonorrhea*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:22:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
-----------
*Herpes*
This is great. Haven't had a decent game of 'put the name of a sexually transmitted infection in between two asterisks' for ages.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 03:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2007-07-02 03:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gave my drunk ass a few chuckles.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-07-02 02:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yoiu see
it's magic!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-07-02 02:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-07-02 02:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
beeltea, i have been neutered
my ratings have no effect
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-07-02 01:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-07-02 01:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "openly racist".
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Me too.
You wanna head-up an exclusive club?
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-07-02 01:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "openly racist".
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-07-02 00:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-07-01 23:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Got into a fist-fight with the general manager over something to do with lemons.
haha
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-01 23:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhahahahhahahaha
nice
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-07-01 22:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-01 22:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...how long til this gets linked to your real name, you reckon?
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hahahaha
I can't wait
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-01 22:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "civilly unionized" HAHAHA
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm too scared to leave my job, there is no way i'll ever be able to find another place that lets me do sweet FA all day.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe if I told the truth on my CV all my jobs would have same entrys:
Hid in stock room for 6 hours out of 8 on a good day, dicked about remaining two hours, went home.
Reason for leaving: Sick of it, quit.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...how long til this gets linked to your real name, you reckon?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-07-01 21:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hire you to plant tulips.
On my cockandballs! HAHAHAhahaha... I got nothing. Good luck with all that.