About.com and my Wife Are Conspiring to Kill Me (23521 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Little More Time (View user info) at 2007-07-02 14:36:43 EDT
So a few months ago, the wife and I are in bed, her with some huge text on obscure British literature, me making her look bad with Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson, and she drops the book on her lap and turns to me and offers a suggestion that freezes the blood in my veins:
"We should try to get back into shape."
Now, we're neither of us the unhealthiest people on the planet, but we don't always have the volition to head out and exercise for the hell of it, and our jobs and school eat up enough time that we don't always cook. I smoke like a fiend, too, and I read that working out helps kill the craving, so I nod my head and say, "Sure, why the hell not."
We start with the usual shit; she gets back into aerobics, I hit the gym alongside a horde of high schoolers who look like they could kick The Hulk in the balls then step on his neck, and we do our best to cut the crap out of our diet. Fast food, pop, anything fried, etc. goes out the window. It sucks ass setting aside an hour to cook and eat dinner every night, but we manage. We start to trim up again and we feel better.
Then.
I come home from work one night and Wife is already home, reading something on About.com. My right eyelid twitches involuntarily. I HATE About.com.
Why?
Because every time the little lady jumps on there, I end up involved in some harebrained activity that she wants to try out after reading one damn article written by a bleeding expert that makes it sound as easy as breathing. Don't get me wrong, I love my woman, but she's the impulsive type all the way, so she adores that damn site. We've tried mountain climbing (resulted in: injury to His Majesty's clavicle), traditional Chinese stir fry (resulted in: destruction of a newly-purchased wok, paid for from His Majesty's royal coffers), and sexual positions straight out of the Kama Sutra (resulted in: needing to purchase new sheets for the Royal Bed and a bunch of bananas for potassium after cramping up for three straight hours). I don't NEED to do anything else written about on About.com. I'm fine with how things are now.
She turns to me with a grin on her face, so I know I'm in for some pain. "Check this out," she says excitedly. I look.
It's a page titled, "Detox Diet and Digestive System Cleanse". The eye-twitch goes into overdrive. "What's all this?" I ask.
She explains it. Apparently, you follow this strict diet and supplement regimen for two weeks and it totally flushes your body of impurities. The article uses a lot of terms like "free radicals" that gets my suspicions up and the whole guide is pockmarked with warnings to get a medical consult before trying it, which makes my sphincter tighten, but there're plenty of user-generated testimonials on it, and the Queen's really interested. She's convinced it might improve our long-term health.
I'm worried about how much internal damage I may incur if we go through with it.
In the end, though, she talks me into it; it doesn't help that she's much smarter than I am, and she holds the Power of Sex above me. I relent, and tell her we'll go out and get the necessary supplies in the morning and start come the weekend.
Now, let me preface the next portion of this story with the following: this may sound like something meant for the granola munchers (and it is, to a certain degree), but the warnings and advice some folks gave in their reviews of the program gave me the chills. "Start on the weekend," one person wrote. "You won't want to do anything for the first few days because you'll be in so much pain."
Wait a second. Hold the phone, hit the brakes, professor-can-you-please-repeat-that? "Pain"? I thought this thing was meant to make you feel better, not WORSE. Well, turns out that the pain comes from your body expelling all that crap you've built up. According to what the guide says about what this flushes out of you, I've got so much crap in my body that my pain should be on par with that experienced by chemo patients. After getting t-boned by a semi going 70. Then lit on fire.
I realize, coming home from the fifth health food/supplement store we've visited, that I may be in for a significant amount of bother.
When we get home, I take stock of what we've bought: almost entirely veggies and fruit to eat and seven (SEVEN) separate supplements to take thrice daily, ranging from a multivitamin to iron (no meat allowed. NONE) to probiotics to help break everything down. Then I scan the list to see what we're actually permitted to EAT during this thing.
The short answer is, not fucking much. Rice and other simple starches are but only to a very limited degree. No coffee, tea, or other stimulants (fuck, no ciggies), no crap food obviously, and nothing to drink at all, save for two things:
1. Water (cool! refreshing!)
2. Lemon Water (cool! lemonade!)
Wrong. WRONG. NOT lemonade. Lemon fucking water. Read the fine print, idiot.
How does one make lemon water, you ask? Simple. It took me three minutes while Wifey was putting the supplies away.
Get a lemon, peel it, and squeeze its juice into some water. Stir, chill, drink, enjoy.
No, no. Wait. That last one...that's not right. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah...
VOMIT.
Lemon water is damn disgusting, not because it's sour like you might think, but because it's BITTER. I'm not sure how much sense that makes; when you think "sour", what's the first fucking thing you think of (besides those Crybaby candies back in the nineties)? Yes, thank you. LEMON. And we're supposed to drink five glasses of it a day, along with five more glasses of regular water. According to the guide, the average person participating in this two-week traipse through Hades needs to drink that much per day just so they don't dehydrate.
Okay, okay, WHOA. Back it up, there. TEN glasses of fluid a day or dehydration? I used to do NO fluid in a day back in college, unless you count WHISKEY, and now you're tellin' me to down that much or I'll shrivel up? Christ , next you'll tell me I need to strip naked twice a day and lash myself with a cat 'o nine tails, or wear a coat made of human hair, for as much punishment you're telling me to endure.
All right now, deep breath. Superwife wants to do this, you said you would, so you're in this, thick and thin. Deal with it. What else?
Apart from that, actually, there's only one other thing we're required to consume during this thing: a vegetable broth which, as it turned out after I made some, is fairly tasty. Drink three times a day.
In all, it seemed pretty simple. Lots of prep work to keep all the staples made, but otherwise not so bad. We got started. What follows is a (mostly) shorthand account of the first seven days because after that, things evened out (sort of):
Day One: Feel fine; bit hungry but otherwise hunky-dory. Have to piss a lot, but chalk that up to the supplements and all the liquid. Begin to understand the need for so much fluid.
Day Two: Feeling a bit worse; muscles and joints ache, like having the flu. Laid around, watched Titus on DVD, backed up music collection, bitched to Wife-a-rama while she bitched back to me. Didn't work out today out of lethargy.
Day Three (A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY): All intestinal hell breaks loose, and I'm not kidding. Awoke with horrible stomach cramps and made a run to the toilet, whereupon some substance resembling hundreds of those little green jelly blobs you get in one of those vile bubble teas goes hurtling into the porcelain bowl. There's no muscle contraction required; it just falls out. There is no possible way this is shit; it looks more like some kind of petroleum byproduct. It goes on for almost twenty minutes straight; at minute twelve I consider waking Queen Bee and asking her to contact medical help, but refrain out of humiliation.
I'd rather shit myself to death than have paramedics meet me in the privacy of my own bathroom and fit me with an emergency colostomy bag.
Eventually, it stops, but I stay on for a few more in case I leak out (UGH), then struggle to my feet. I feel as though I haven't eaten a thing for a month; my muscles are rubbery and a five year-old could push me down and sit on me. I crawl back into bed, curl up into a ball, and whimper.
Queenie doesn't pity me because the same thing happens to her fifteen minutes later. Her meek invocations to the Lord for aid and guidance are answered only by my laughter and chanting, "Sucks, don't it?" Had to go to work afterward; contemplated photographing what my body expelled and sending it to my boss with a sick note, complete with frowny-face. Decide to err on the side of better judgment.
At lunchtime, I pull up the guide again and discover that apparently what my rectum gave birth to this morning was a large amount of concentrated impurities being purged from my system. I haven't been able to drive by a fast food joint without feeling that xenomorph-being-birthed-in-my-gut nausea since.
Day Four: Repetition of day three, three times over. I think I should be dead by now. Some greater force must be sustaining me. Shiva, protect me!
Day Five: (blank. I literally don't remember this one. Wifenstein says I mumbled something about meeting my ancestors soon before I left for work. Apparently went through the motions without anyone noticing I was nearly comatose. First thing I recall is waking up for...)
Day Six: Starting to feel better. The ass explosions have ceased, and my aches are fading. Worked out today, but only a little.
Day Seven: Incredibly, I feel better than normal. I leap out of bed when the alarm goes off, and there's a spring in my step and a general alertness about me the whole day. Have one of the best lifting sessions I've ever had, and run a mile afterward.
After that, everything just stayed the same until the detox was over. I felt fucking fantastic; my productivity was through the roof and my fat ass dropped five pounds in two weeks, basically from doing nothing but the above. Marry McWifeWife did better; she lost seven.
Were we happy with the result? You betcha. Will we ever do it again? Not a chance in hell; three days of the most unimaginable war going on inside my body isn't worth any amount of extended life expectancy. It's no longer any surprise to me how drug addicts fucking bite it when they have to detox. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're really that committed to your health.
And, if you are, you may need to be another kind of committed, as well.
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2007-09-08 11:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-09-08 11:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't breathe for a while after reading this. Good shit.
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2007-09-07 19:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried it. I only made it 11 days before caffeine/booze cravings got the better of me, but the day-by-day description of events was remarkably accurate.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-08-15 23:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
I'm going to try this just for the hell of it.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-26 09:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi people reading Bored at Work, my names EI , you may of seen me in such films as 'EI goes to meet the Wizard of moon land' and 'Ei, the tales of a prostitite'
If you click on my user info you will get to read some of the weirdest most pointless stories ever, go ahead, you will regret it for ever more and what's life without regrets hey?? Fucking dull.
Tally ho
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-26 09:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W!!!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-24 01:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, pal.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-07-24 01:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-11 16:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhh yea B@W. who called it first?
Please send me my check
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-07-11 12:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin' hilarious... I wanna give that a shot. I can only imagine the mass of disgustingness that would spew from my bowels.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-07-11 12:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, so that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses
casual sex.
-- Homer Simpson
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-11 12:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another B@W, Congrats.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-07-11 10:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Honey, these Kama Sutra positions I found on about.com really aren't doing the trick. I need you to go down to the shop and buy a big bunch of bananas."
"What for?"
"... Potassium."
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-07-04 13:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-04 12:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two words- OXY POWDER.
i use that shit and it is the most god awful experience of your life. your ass bleeds by day three, sometimes day two. things come out of you that just blow your mind and make you wonder what else could be stuck up in there. when you feel the gurgle, you literally have about 30 seconds to make it to the shitter. don't even THINK about trying to hold it. i have had friends try to hold it when they felt the gurgle, despite my warnings, and they shit themselves.
all in all, you do feel better after your ass stops bleeding.
http://www.oxypowder.com/
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-04 11:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-03 12:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DR NATURA MAKES YOU GO
TILL YOUR INSIDES OVERFLOW
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no impurities.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like lemon water
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. I just got over three days of colon blow, it was horible.
but on the bright side,
I was actualy mentioned in another post look,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 00:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes of course..but it's still quite stunning.
Also author of this post- it's a shame you weren't around for this
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94524
No one could be assed to do it. *rimshot*
------------------------------------------------------------------
one of the posts in that link are MINE..well actualy it takes you to Orgasmatron's review of my first post where he, and everyone else -2's me.
But I was still linked to. I am somebody, I am.....no I'm still nothing.
**cries**
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went through a detox long, long time ago (Alc & Charly) and there was a lot of pain and screaming involved. Luckily that was coming from the others there at the time.
You really wrote this in a great way!!
Still going strong?
Great stuff!
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ikari_shinji (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROX
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just woke up and...
...yup, still great.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As bad as I wanna do whatever it takes to pass my physical, I think I'm okay with my impurities right where they are.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-07-03 06:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get
it over with.
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can
teach us.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-03 03:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 00:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes of course..but it's still quite stunning.
Also author of this post- it's a shame you weren't around for this
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94524
No one could be assed to do it. *rimshot*
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-02 23:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By which I meant not all caps. Clearly it's still not capitalised properly.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-02 23:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-02 20:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even if the post didn't deserve it I would've given you a +2 for getting a properly capitalised review out of Habeeb.
===
*speechless*
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-02 23:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-02 20:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even if the post didn't deserve it I would've given you a +2 for getting a properly capitalised review out of Habeeb.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2007-07-02 19:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HI-larious
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-02 19:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poop posts.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-02 18:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hugs and kisses to Toe
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-02 18:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Tim Tam
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Tim Tams from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Woolworth's cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Here's some advice for you: Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to
achieve
inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked
around my
house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and so, before
leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle
of
Cardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim
Toms ,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the
Chesescke,
some saltins an a bax a cholates.
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-02 18:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking B@W material...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-02 18:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-02 17:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Had to go to work afterward; contemplated photographing what my body expelled and sending it to my boss with a sick note, complete with frowny-face. Decide to err on the side of better judgment.
I died a little today.
This is was B@W sort of stuff.
Good man!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard of this cleansing program.
Heh. Someone I work with went to a colonic irrigation practitioner.
And she talked about it.
At great length.
Instead of using herbs, supplements, and fluids, colonic irrigation entails having a hose stuck up your anus with water blasting out the contents of your intestines.
I guess she loved it and kept giving us brochures.
------------
2 words:
Make New Friends.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard of this cleansing program.
Heh. Someone I work with went to a colonic irrigation practitioner.
And she talked about it.
At great length.
Instead of using herbs, supplements, and fluids, colonic irrigation entails having a hose stuck up your anus with water blasting out the contents of your intestines.
I guess she loved it and kept giving us brochures.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was entertaining, informative, and erotic
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and when you were describing your toilet surprise--i thought of tapioca pudding (the tapioca squishy things) and green food coloring. ewww
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2007-07-02 16:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazingness. Antibacterializing yourself is complete madness. I have the Detox Box, never got the guts to really do it.
your comedic writing makes me smile. thanks for that.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good thing i had pork rinds for lunch
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
told ya...that shit's scary! (literally...the shit is scary.)
tee hee
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FACE THE THING THAT SHOULD NOT BE (NSFW...I guess):
http://www.drnatura.com/colon_cleanse_pictures/colon_cleanse_109.html
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
hey, ALMT: ever seen www.drnatura.com? go...see the horrors.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn. i gotta do that...then again im still young, ill wait till im 30.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn it, it looks like this is worth reading. *sigh*
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a B@W post.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the warning. wow.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-07-02 15:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snow Crash is good, but overrated.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-02 14:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did that once.
Once!
Submitted by ChairFace (user info) at 2007-07-02 14:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Homer: This place is depressing.
Grampa: Hey! I live here.
Homer: Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart vs. Thanksgiving
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-07-02 14:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-07-02 14:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha... I tried one of these detox system things once. it does work, but the horror of what explodes out of your ass complete with tentacles and screaming "CTHULU FGHTAN!" makes me sure to never do it again.