How Big My Penis Is (Safe for Work, Photo is linked) (1628 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.18 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rawrg (View user info) at 2007-07-03 05:35:06 EDT
Sorry pervs, this is actually an ongoing humorous story about Zeus, I posted the first half some time ago but to save you lazy fucksticks from having to find it, I included it here. If you were unfortunate enough to have read the first half, I included a convenient marker for chapter 2, see if you can find it. Much love, -Rawrg
--------------------------
"...Scratch that last thought I just had. Problems are subjective, I suppose. I mean, imagine being a citizen of a war torn country whose family and friends were recently gassed to death by marauding warlords and weigh that versus the insecurities of some schmuck who feels unfilled by drowning in the creature comforts of a life that's so simple that actually finding a meaningful choice to make is a daunting task at times."
"I mean, I had this dream the other night where this guy walks up to me on the street. 'Now don't let my appearance fool you.' This concerns me already as he's wearing a pear of grease covered overalls and he's polishing an oil filter for an '87 Nova. 'I'm Zeus, the almighty creator of everything and today I'm going to lay a choice on you brother.' I was floored. All I could think of was how I had not noticed the great golden beard emanating rays of heavenly light before?"
"Why are you polishing an oil filter?' I asked 'You know, you're really not supposed to reuse those things."
"It's just for effect.' He replied as he promptly produced a salt shaker, lightly seasoned it and began to consume it with his mighty jaws."
"Did I win a prize or something? If so, please don't send it certified mail, I'm never home when the postman gets there."
"If you did, I wouldn't waste money on the postage, you'd have to come pick it up at Mount Olympus. Anyways, I'm getting off track here. I'm going to remove one of your legs with a soil-pipe cutter, or I'm going to kill your 80 year old grandmother with a runaway UPS truck. Your call."
"Why would you do either?"
"Nothing good is on cable right now. Frankly, I can't believe I'd actually have to pay for that crap if I were mortal."
"Zeus, I don't feel like this is a fun choice, so I'm going to stop believing in you now."
"Then he vanishes. Weird huh? Still, he sounded like a nice enough guy outside of the whole human suffering for entertainment thing. Also, I've always felt the same way about cable television. It feels mighty fulfilling having something in common with a God, even if Hitler might feel a bit uncomfortable with some of the things he says. Either way, in my future dreams, if I ever needed his advice on something, I'd just start believing in him and then he'd appear before me. We'd chat for a bit, then he'd talk about using some obscure object like that thing that bartenders use to get the rind off of a lemon to skin someone with a really bad sunburn alive. Then I'd have to say a Hail Mary or two to make him go away."
"In a way, it was kind of cool. I mean, I was very self aware of my dreams. Having Zeus as your personal quasi-genie made me feel pretty important, but in the end, when I wake up, I'm still the same asshole with the same outlook on life. Whenever I feel bad about passing up exercise for masturbation and learning for the mind numbing stimuli of our times, I can't help but wish I was living in some Isaac Asimov story and pretty soon somebody would just bust out with a revolutionary movement and we'd all feel good again."
"I guess the curse of today's society is that while everything is so great, no one really feels anything. And if some mouthpiece is running on about how 'important' something is, guys like me are staring at the bar behind him, thinking about how bottles are made so efficiently, and how truly high quality bottles wouldn't have that seem down each side because they'd be hand blown by craftsmen from some Nordic country or something like that. When the guy is finally done yapping, I'll just nod my head and throw in some comment like, 'Yeah, that's the way it goes,' trying my damndest not be the least bit provocative so he'll feel like a rambling asshole if he keeps talking."
"In the case of a rambling asshole, I wonder what a miniature hand-crafted bottle would look like lodged in his windpipe and how Zeus might go about removing that. Later that night when I go to sleep, I ask him. The answer usually makes me laugh, Zeus wants to demonstrate how on me or my grandmother and I have to condemn him to the Barrens of my mind again. Then I wake up, like I do everyday, alone in all of my securities that have become my insecurities. Normally everyday is the same, only today, I wasn't asleep when I talked to Zeus. That's why I came to see you, Zeus made me come here today."
PART 2 BEGINS HERE - PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 BEGINS HERE - PART 2 PART 2 PART 2
The social worker stared ahead inattentively. The story had not impressed him. In fact, it merely rubbed him. He spent a moment scanning his mind for anything from his Intro to Psychology courses in Junior College, but nothing rang a bell. He decided that he was bored and pinched the bridge of his nose softly.
"What are you selling?"
"Oil filters."
"The kind that Gods don't have to salt before they eat?"
"No, I'd wager that Zeus consumed it out of disapproval."
"Do I now have to worry about my civic responsibility of reporting you before you burn down a Christian bookstore by attaching a poorly grounded lightning rod to the roof or something?"
"Nah. I don't think it's making me violent, and yeah, I could be a total nut-job, but I think I'm harmless."
"It's a possibility."
"Ok, assume I got dropped on my head as a kid or my mom drank a lot during pregnancy, what then?"
"Well, I'd probably say you are repressing psychotic rage in the form of what some new-age meditation therapists refer to as a power-animal, or in this case, a power-deity. Zeus, as the case happens to be, is housing all of this rage and the good thing is he seems to be well contained because you can willingly make him go away."
"Yeah, but what about me talking to him when I was awake?"
"Well, how did you get rid of him this morning? Was it anymore difficult than in your dreams?"
"I didn't get rid of him. He's sitting in your waiting room right now. By the way, he says you need to change your magazine subscriptions, or he'll tear your eyes from your head with an obscure tool."
"How obscure?"
"One of those metal things that doctors use during childbirth to open the, you know, canal..."
"Hmm. Did you even try to make him go away?"
"That'd be a big no. I mean, in my dreams, what's he going to do, you know? But he's kind of intimidating in real life."
"I see what you mean. Well, maybe you should try reasoning with him. Has he asked for anything."
"Other than seeing you and changing your magazine subscriptions, no, nothing."
"So then do you think he brought you here to get me to change from Redbook to Sports Illustrated?"
"That'd be a start I'm sure, Redbook is kind of a joke for a man to subscribe to."
"The head psychologist here is a woman, she makes those decisions. I just pay her so I can work under her license. You'll have to take it up with her."
"Hmm, I don't know about that. Zeus doesn't seem to like women in power. He says that he only wants me to deal with men, because women are completely irrational and unpredictable depending on their mood."
"I can't say you sound like a pillar of stability yourself, but he still communicates with you."
"Oh, I think I'm being perfectly reasonable under the circumstances, I mean, I didn't shoot myself, or more appropriately, sacrifice myself on an alter. I simply don't see anything wrong with complying with an Almighty being."
"Ok, seriously, I've had enough of this conversation. You really need to go, because despite the fact that I don't have a patient scheduled right now, I'm really missing out on some quality crossword time."
The social worker got up and escorted the confused gentleman to the door, "If Zeus has anything further to say, have him come in and see me personally. And on the off chance he stops by, American currency only please. I don't want him trying to pay me in Lira or Virgins or some- ... Oh God..."
The social worker looked out into his waiting room, and to his horror every magazine in the place was torn to shreds and scattered throughout the waiting room.
"Are you kidding me? Is this some stupid fraternity thing? Am I on Jackass?"
Dave looked at the social worker and sighed, "See, now you've gone and made him mad. He was going to leave it at 'Get new magazines' but when he doesn't get his way, he just uses his God-powers to leave you without a choice."
"Seriously, who did this?"
"You know who did this, and you should also know that I have to deal with him and his temper when you're gone."
"What difference could I possibly make here? You're a crazy asshole, case closed."
"He's kind of selective about how he acts when people are around, he has a problem with coming off as vulnerable. And as you can see, he's kind of going through a passive aggressive stage right now. I think it goes with all of the idle threats. Maybe you're just the pill for this problem."
The social worker looked over at Dave with a frustrated look, then thought it would be best to simply fool the loon into thinking he couldn't help him so that he wouldn't come back and find new ways to mangle his lobby. He imagined "Zeus" wouldn't like the coffee, the lighting or even the furniture on subsequent visits.
"Umm... look, I don't do group counseling, you'll need to see a specialist for that. I know someone over at Corporate Woods that can help you out with that."
"Impossible. Zeus said it had to be you.
"Give me a specific enough reason as to why no one else can do it?"
"Because you're the last surviving heir of Hercules."
"Ok, now you're just getting ridiculous."
"No, really."
"What, the best you can come up with to convince me that I'm related to a mythical God is 'No really!?"
"Ooo, I'd be careful with the M-word. He says he'd hate to have to teach you a lesson that would leave permanent marks."
"MYTH MYTH MYTH MYTH MYTH. See, there is no Zeus, my crazy asshole diagnoses is supported, now please leave before I call the police."
"Zeus says say the m-word one more time, he dare-"
"Myth." The social worker stated clearly.
"Ah hell. Have it your way." Dave sighed again. Suddenly, a bolt of lighting tore across the sky, through the window melting a hole in the glass and finally coming to rest on the newspaper on the social worker's desk, blasting it into shreds.
Dave looked over to the social worker and shrugged, "Zeus says 'do the crossword now, dick."
The social worker simply stare as the smoldering remains of his newspaper in awe at what had to be the biggest coincidence in all of human history. Then he quickly rushed for a fire extinguisher before the flames spread any further.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-04 11:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ha, thanks for the penis link
Submitted by The_Thinker (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-03 09:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didnt read it but I wanted a penis picture and you didnt deliver.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-07-03 09:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is this rooster faggot?
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay I read it now, cos it'd kinda suck if my previous review ended up being the only one on this post
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-03 06:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0