Lots of absurdity but no splendid. A tale of Uber. (763 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.51 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-07-03 06:50:40 EDT
More circle Jerkage inspired by:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109801
---
Drogo flicked the butt of his fag out the window, he yelped a bit but enjoyed it really, and then he threw the remains of his cigarette out as well. Breathing out he looked down at his job sheet for the day. Christ it was always the same these days, a few complaints about Oathypoo and his damned alters, the crazy Derkins woman with her 'Intelligence' on the imminent Squirrel attack and of course the old faithful 'Scourge has been nasty to me again'. It never seemed to end these days.
He tried to think back to what it had been like in the beginning but he couldn't, because he wasn't there. He had come much later to the land of Uber. At first he had tried to keep his head down, just throwing out the occasional little bit to try to make friends with strangers he would never meet; it soon became more though, he soon lusted after popularity and fame like some of the others. It was how it affected you eventually. You would come seeking some sort of recognition, but soon you would find yourself sucked into the general debauchery. You would find yourself chuckling at things you would never normally find funny.
He wound up the window and started the car, cursing again the lack of resources to allow him to have an electric window. The car spluttered to life and the radio burst into the silence of the vehicle.
"They are watching us all the time. Just turn everything off in the house and you will hear them creeping around. I have heard them on the other end of the phone brea....."
He turned off Basement radio and tried to find ThornsFm. The Basement guy used to be funny with his crazy theories but was starting to run out of steam and become a bit of a caricature of himself these days. Pulling out Drogo decided to try and find Scourge again and have a brief word with him, why couldn't he just go back to being nice and +2ing everything? If it went on much longer then he would have to have his ratings removed like the Darko fella. That was a sad day, and the repercussions still lived on to this day.
Driving down the front page he noticed the banners and signs pleading with God to give Darko his ratings back. He shook his head knowing the fight would be futile, God just didn't give a shit anymore he had given people free reign to think and do as they pleased but it had been twisted and bastardised.
"Hey Drogo you there?"
Ah the ever cheerful Merlina, a breath of fresh air in an otherwise claustrophobic world.
"Go ahead Merlina. What have you got for me?"
"Oh Goody. Well apart from some job, which I will tell you about later, I have the remains of a Lemon tart that I made for the Bloke. It's yummy I'm sure you will like it. I got talking to Emission yesterday and he came up with some cool recipes too I can't wait to try them out."
"I shall look forward to trying the Tart Merlina. So what's this job then?"
"Bad news I'm afraid. It seems like Kaos is up to his old tricks again."
"You don't mean?"
"Yes he's going to wind people up. I think he has managed to get hold of some Photos of a certain resident and he is going to try blackmail. He is sitting under the uber tree from Christmas last I heard. It might be a good idea if you go over and have a word with him. On the plus side though, my new place is lovely you will have to come over for a few drinks soon."
"Thank you Merlina I will do that, you always manage to keep a positive outlook. I'll let you know what happens."
"Okay bye, and don't forget your Lemon Tart."
Drogo smiled to himself, for the last time that day, Merlina always could make you smile. He spun the car and headed back to the back pages to find the Uber tree and Kaos, trust him to try to hide in the past.
It had been brewing for a while of course. Something had just been sitting lurking waiting to happen. There hadn't been a good flaming for far too long so it was inevitable really. There had been a start last week with Sico putting up nude pics of some woman that broke his heart. That had caused a brief ruckus, but was soon cooled down when Apollo had been banned. Apollo, now there was a problem. A Brit abroad trying to make himself out the hard man, a man determined to bring in class distinctions like 'A list Uberusers' whatever the fuck that meant, who would actually want to be classed as an 'A list Uberuser?'. Like most of the trouble makers he had too much time on his hands and too many alters, still it was what the place had come too really.
Drogo was a noob of course, and he knew it, he hadn't spent years of his life on the site and didn't know the ins and outs like most people. He just bumbled along on his own throwing a comment out here and there in the vain hopes that someone would find it amusing. There was of course the deep routed hope that he would one day throw out a barb of the legendary status of Saint Schlongy, but he was starting to learn his place now.
As he went past he saw Little Monster heading to work in her new Uniform, Beano was following behind trying to take photos but she was moving too fast to get a decent one. Joey of the G waved as he walked along laughing to himself and holding his hung-over head, Drogo caught a whispered 'I'll never drink again on a school night' come to him. Rob_Berg sat on the floor screaming at the sky and waving his fist towards the heavens and mumbling about God. Orgasmo was busy practising some poetry to a tree, with Miss Licious sitting watching. Lungfish picked up his paper and lit a Cigarette before scratching his ass through his long johns and going back inside to search for coffee. Life in Uber Seemed normal.
Drogo knew something was wrong as soon as he turned onto the page, his powers of deduction never ceasing to amaze him. The fact that the tree was blocking the road may have been a big hint though. Exiting his vehicle he approached the scene carefully.
On closer inspection Drogo found blood seeping from underneath a boulder by the fallen tree. A trail of blood led a little distance to the unmistakable mound of the prone form of Kaos. Running to his side Drogo pushed him onto his back.
"Are you okay chap?"
"Ah. .. .. the squirrels....they.....they......oh god no..... I have to warn Inion about the photos.... I...Derkins.....right.....Crap is that a bit of my brain? .....cool.....TTOM ...evil tube of .......shit Redskies....naked.....buy my Book you Scum eating Faggots.....necklace....."
His breath faltered slightly before he passed out again. Drogo held him for a moment before reaching for his radio to call for assistance. He tried to get hold of ForensicGirl, as she was the closest they had to a medic, the fact that she preferred it when they died was by the by; she always looked like she made an effort to save them, which is what counted.
Drogo stood up and looked around. What could have done this? What could have broken the peace of Uber this way? He looked about him and saw the Beady Yellow eyes of a thousand Squirrels looking back at him.
It was going to be a long day, so much for the magical land of Uber.
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-05 02:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey!
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-07-04 16:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, yet another story i didn't make. Like you couldn't have had me carrying a spear or something.
______________________________________________
yeah, and how come I never get included either? I play well with others and I don't run with scizzors!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-04 11:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-04 09:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo smiled to himself, for the last time that day, Merlina always could make you smile
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Awwwww.
*blushes*
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, yet another story i didn't make. Like you couldn't have had me carrying a spear or something.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-03 17:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now, this milieu is more your style, chumley
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-03 16:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep this all going guys, it's fun.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 15:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, see I just realized your good manners made me miss my mention here the first time.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-03 15:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But yes, she'd totally sit and watch.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-03 15:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for suggesting that I practice.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was me, thats what im trying to say.
I AM THE SUPER MONKEY.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, no, no!
Super monkeys ride clouds and have a staff that they whack demons with, and ride around with a pig and a fish and a guy who looks like a girl, but was it a girl playing a guy?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
super monkey below
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By super monkey, I mean one with a cape and zorro mask.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, rob!
you are getting very sleeeeeeepy
you are accepting the gmail innnnnnnvite
oooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-03 13:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOO!
hehe
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-03 12:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
joey below!
ps: next time maybe we can be hungover together. if drogo remembers his fan club president.
*crystle-esque sigh*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-03 12:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm just sterotyped as the hungover alcoholic then, eh?
Oh I am?
Ok. Just checking.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-03 11:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 drogoooooo
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-07-03 11:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
right.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, I'm not COMPLETELY barking mad. Poor Kaos :(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-03 10:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!!! Excellent.
Quite a worthy follow-up...
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-03 09:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it wrong that i recognise some of the things on the uber board from posts?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-07-03 09:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm too easily amused, that first line was apparently awesome in my mind.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ThornsFm is no longer actively broadcasting, but +2 for the shout-out.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hilarity is in future episodes, there is only so much name dropping a man can mannage in one post.
------------
So there Redneck!... get to the back of the queue.
-------------
That's it, where's one of those doctors who has the bombs that don't work?
------------
Australia apparently.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-03 08:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was really, really, really ... Good
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hilarity is in future episodes, there is only so much name dropping a man can mannage in one post.
------------
So there Redneck!... get to the back of the queue.
-------------
That's it, where's one of those doctors who has the bombs that don't work?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I be a monkey in your next story, I would make agood monkey, even a super monkey.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that was a joke btw...
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hilarity is in future episodes, there is only so much name dropping a man can mannage in one post.
------------
So there Redneck!... get to the back of the queue.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-03 06:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only skimmed this.
Not a fan of Ubercentric stuff.
Especially Ubercentric stuff that doesn't mention me.
i.e all of it.
Probably a bad idea to call Merlina a tart.
--
I never called Merlina a Tart my good man, the perils of only skimming yet commenting anyway.
Hilarity is in future episodes, there is only so much name dropping a man can mannage in one post.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time I want to be in it, wrestling the girl from the new die hard movie, in a vat of warm peanut butter....
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call bullshit.
Rob_Berg gets a mention and I don't?! Utter bullshit. Sad panda.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-03 07:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My reciepes are legendary, especially my English toast one.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 06:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
:(
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-03 06:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only skimmed this.
Not a fan of Ubercentric stuff.
Especially Ubercentric stuff that doesn't mention me.
i.e all of it.
Probably a bad idea to call Merlina a tart.