Junk Mail (956 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-07-03 21:57:39 EDT
Dear Stars,
I'm worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately. You came to dinner drunk last week and threw up in grandma's lap. She wouldn't have been as upset if you hadn't tried to lap it up afterwards. I tried to get you to take a cold shower, but you broke my nose and blacked my eye. I was only trying to help! I thought we were brothers. I thought that meant something.
Well, I quit. I want nothing to do with you. I've packed all my things and I'm moving out. You can have the leather couch, the big screen television and the half dozen cheap hookers asleep in the living room. You paid for them anyways. You'd better watch what you eat though, because pretty soon you'll be too disgusting for even a prostitute to touch. Lay off the McDonald's. I hear their beef is from New Zealand.
I'm cutting the electricity and the cable off tomorrow. Good luck coming up with deposits to get them reconnected. I know you blow all your money on booze and thrills.
Yours in Brotherly Love,
Stripes
Dear Bones,
We'll never hurt you.
Sincerely,
Sticks and Stones
Dear Fork,
I know I should have had the abortion like we talked about, but I couldn't work up the courage to do it. I went to the clinic and sat in the parking lot for an hour, just watching people come and go.
I probably should have called you and let you know, but I wanted you to be happy. We're fine now. I don't need anything from you. Spork will be two tomorrow and we're having a birthday party for him at the house. You're invited, but I'll understand if you don't come.
Love,
Spoon
Dear Triceratops,
I miss you.
Love,
Dodo Bird
Dear Frisbee,
I keep seeing you on the news. I know it's you, because it's sure as hell not me. I'm sure that after the photo-shopping and reprints you thought no one would notice. Well, I noticed!
I think you owe me an apology. I don't impersonate you and I'm not sure why you'd want to pretend to be me.
Sincerely,
U.F.O.
Dear Red,
I think we should be together. We can make beautiful things.
Love,
Blue
Dear Rock,
I would never hurt you. I know I'm the only one that can and that it worries you. You lay awake, waiting for me to come and smother you. I'm not the one you should worry about. Scissors has been waiting for your moment of weakness. That's why I've been around so much. I want you to be safe. I want to protect you. Scissors will prey on you the moment your back is turned. He is waiting for you to stumble. He is waiting for any opportunity to crush you. You must get to him first. He is weaker. Strike now and destroy him.
Your good friend,
Paper
Dear Jesus,
Look freeloader, I can't carry you around anymore. The weight is starting to get to me. "Oh, he saved us," they say. "Oh I worship him," they say. No one ever mentions the fact that I hold your skinny, holey ass up. And as if it wasn't already bad enough, the Catholic Church immortalized us. Honestly, I'd just like to forget what happened between us. You were one of many and I don't get what the big deal is.
No, I'm not calling you next week. No, I don't want to have dinner. Quit fucking calling me.
Love,
The Cross
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-09 12:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-27 20:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ikari_shinji (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2DIE FUCKING BITCH
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 00:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That there is some mighty fancy words you is using... I really like it...
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 19:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bitch Cross already forgot about all the work Jesus did carrying her I see. Well she's probably right anyway. Who am I to judge.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-07-05 18:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The colour purple is beautiful indeed
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-05 17:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-05 15:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-05 12:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-07-05 09:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spork made me laugh heartily.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-05 09:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now this I liked
Submitted by ass123 (user info) at 2007-07-05 07:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weevils are often found in dry foods including nuts and seeds, cereal and grain products. In the domestic setting, they are most likely to be observed when opening a bag of flour although they will happily infest most types of grain including oats, barley and breakfast cereals. If ingested, E. coli infection and other various diseases can be contracted from weevils, depending on their diet.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-04 11:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
à chier, vraiment.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-04 11:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-04 10:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes...
Well, I don't exactly get the "Stars & Stripes" one. Perhaps I'm too dim. Obviously it's metaphorical, but its translations are lost unto me. The rest are quite, quite good. Some are merely amusing while others are simply brilliant in their wit.
I think you excell at this type of abstract, absurd writing. Too often, I think, you confine yourself to the strictest of realism. I disagree with Rob_Berg completely... I've found most of your posts this summer to be astounding. It seemed as if you were getting bogged down in the process of writing far too much during last semester, too concerned with every word choice, grammar and punctuation.
Now, you & I have always disagreed somewhat on these things; I feel writing is an organic, chaotic thing. I believe (perhaps I'm wrong) that you view it more of a science. I dunno, I suppose that's why I enjoy these latest things you've created so much more... this post in particular. It feels alive, with a slight grin of madness, vivid and viscereal. It makes me think you enjoyed writing it...
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-07-04 10:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChairFace (user info) at 2007-07-04 10:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Paper is definitely setting rock up for the fall.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-04 09:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-04 09:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-07-04 01:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaaaaaaaaay. Look what I started!
Bravo!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-04 08:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like Gholas odds on to triumph, we should of had odds and done some illegal betting.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-07-04 08:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of the episto thingy
-----------------------------------------------------------
It hasn't started yet.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-04 07:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Boobs,
Why do you never rub yourself against me anymore.
Missing you,
EI's penis.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-04 07:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Bones,
We'll never hurt you.
Sincerely,
Sticks and Stones
-------
sheer class.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-04 03:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of the episto thingy
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fey below.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-07-04 02:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are great.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-07-04 01:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaaaaaaaaay. Look what I started!
Bravo!!
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-07-04 00:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UFO and Paper
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-04 00:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I bet that cross wouldn't have thought holding Jesus was such a bad gig after some KKK rednecks burnt the bastard in some black family's lawn.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock/Paper on its own was worth the +2.
I liked Triceratops too for some reason. Probably because it's an anagram for "Erotic Parts".
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easily the best thing I've seen from you
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit I haven't been enjoying your submissions of late.
These TOTALLY made up for it.
Kick fucking ass.
So SO good.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ghola, this was just great. Keep it up.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
should go nicely with the expired chocolate
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 I found the good pills.
(Flexeril doesn't *really* become unstable with dangerous side effects after it expires, right?)
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-03 23:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're funny?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, -2 filename
*runs away*
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of these are better than what I turned in.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
paper and rock
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I keep seeing you on the news. I know it's you, because it's sure as hell not me." HAHAHA
and the Jesus one. Ace.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-03 22:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment