Airport Literature: Drawing a Crowd, Black Flaps, Movies vs Real Life (544 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.73 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grownasskid (View user info) at 2007-07-05 13:51:25 EDT
There are a few sure fire ways to dispense of a crowd.
I find the thing that best gets rid of a crowd is gun shots. If you ever find a need to get rid of a bunch of people quickly, your best bet is to fire a few rounds off into the sky. I'm willing to bet that 100 out of 100 times you'll be by yourself on what was once a crowded city street in about 45 seconds. I can't say I've ever done it, but I'd imagine it's almost therapeutic; at least until the cops show up and start asking questions.
There's a lot of ways to draw a crowd too. Things like fights, naked women, and police barriers are guaranteed to draw a crowd. But if you're in an airport, nothing will draw a crowd faster than the baggage claim area. As soon as that red light starts flashing and the conveyor belt starts sliding, begging small children to play on it much to the chagrin of weary mothers and fathers all across America, people will gather with a sense of anticipation that would give Pavlov a boner. And I'd love to say that I'm not a part of the salmon looking to lay their eggs (or in this case, get their luggage) but lord knows when the lights and whistles start going off, I'm jockeying for the spot that's going to get me my luggage the fastest.
There's always the one guy who stands right in front of the part of the conveyor belt where the luggage first comes out. He stands a few inches closer to the belt than anyone else, and he looks at the black flaps with the intensity of a man who just got out of a middle seat on a six hour flight and is not in the mood to fuck around with whatever mystery force lies behind those black flaps; he wants his suitcase, goddamit, and he'll be damned if he doesn't get it first.
I always feel bad for this guy because his suitcase will always come out last, and usually there is a giant slit in the top of it because he forgot to unlock his luggage tags and the airline people had to hack and slash their way in. To make matters worse, his jerk off kid will run off and force him to break concentration, causing him to miss his luggage the minute it comes out; his Hawaiian shirts and dirty boxers on display to the entire world. This, my dear friends and companions, is what you get for daring to engage in a battle of wills with the omnipotent and vengeful forces that lay behind those black flaps.
*****
On every flight I've ever been on, there is always one beautiful fantasy of a woman. She is young enough to still have lift in all the places where it matters, but old enough to carry herself like a woman. She is classy, dressed to the nines in the finest that European fashion has to offer, but she hints at her dirty side, showing you her lower back tattoo and seamless tan that looks too inviting to be unnatural. She is the captain of the cheerleading squad, the valedictorian of Columbia Law School, Housewife of the Year, world renowned chef, and she makes the kind of passionate love that only exists between the pages of romance novels that embarrassed mothers sell at garage sales for 75 cents.
If life were a movie she would sit next to me, this Shakespearian beauty too radiant for me to even begin to fantasize about, and she would turn on her ipod (because a woman like this has all of modern technologies finest advancements). I would ask her what she is listening to, simply to start a conversation. We would have the same taste in music and I would play some songs for her off of my CD player (because a man like me cant afford an ipod). She would love them and we would talk the entire flight. We would leave the gate together and I would carry her bags for her; she, of course, would be oh-so grateful at my chivalry and impressed by my effortless charm and natural charisma. We would share a cab, and at her stop I would take her bag out of the trunk for her. She would ask for my number and kiss me on the check as we parted ways, and I would ride off in anticipation of our inevitable rendezvous: the sky a brilliant imperial violet as the sun sets in approval of this woman's choice in men.
Life, however, is not a movie. Or rather, life is most often a shitty romantic comedy people wouldn't watch without a drinking game attached to it. Because that goddess I was mentioning before is with her boyfriend who looks a few rungs below most of us on the evolutionary ladder. And the goddess is not so much Aphrodite as she is Hera; so high maintenance and catty in her poisons, plastic-tucked beauty that I wouldn't touch her with your dick. And just to add insult to injury, I will be sitting next to Jared from Subway circa 1994 on a 95 degree day where the plane's vents are broken, so sorry for the inconvenience.
It's at these times in my life, when the clichés that plague my existence are more real than I ever feared they could be, when I am standing alone in an airport terminal as life whizzes around me, that I can almost hear the sound of a room full of co-eds taking shots of 10 dollar vodka; getting loaded and laughing and thanking God that life really isn't like that while they worry about their philosophy final next week.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-05 18:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tru dat
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-07-05 18:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought this was terrible.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-07-05 18:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just came back from the airport +2
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2007-07-05 17:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wouldn't touch her with your dick"
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-05 17:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
exceptional bit of writing here....not this...but the post above....I know you know what I'm getting at.....DON'T YOU PULL THAT FACE AT ME.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-07-05 17:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
people will gather with a sense of anticipation that would give Pavlov a boner
Priceless
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-05 16:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, natural flow.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-05 16:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Pavlov's boner +2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-05 15:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-07-05 14:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-07-05 14:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just a couple of short weeks ago I got stuck in the middle seat between a guy who annoyed me by sitting with his knees in two different time zones and a shockingly fat guy who smelled really bad. They guy who smelled bad ordered about a dozen jack and cokes. Every time he moved it would stir up the BO and make me sick. I was squeezed in so tight that I actually had a bruise on my leg where I had my chapstick in my pocket.
It was a 5 hour flight. My therapist says that I'll be up to coming out of my basement in a few months but it will probably be a couple of years before I stop screaming in terror whenever I see a fat guy in an airport.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-05 14:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the amoebic form of your writing and its simple humor.
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-05 14:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This flows very nicely!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-07-05 14:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-05 13:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for this:
I find the thing that best gets rid of a crowd is gun shots