RPM - JoeyG's Red Hot Molten Lava Chernobyl-o-Chilli (718 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.55 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-07-09 05:32:37 EDT
Because some like it hot.....
JoeyG's Red Hot Molten Lava Chernobyl-o-Chilli
Serves either 1 fat bastard, 3 Ethiopian families or powers a nuclear plant for a week or two.
Ingredients:
For this you will need....
- 500g minced beef
- A shit load of Scotch Bonnet Chillies (Yeah, I know there are hotter chillies out there, but these are easily available at supermarkets and won't make anyone who you serve this to hate you the following day)
- More Habanero chillies than are really good for you (These are available easily enough from teh intarweb, and WILL make anyone you serve this to hate you the following day)
- 1 large onion
- 4 large tomatoes
- Red kidney beans
- 1 tsp cumin
- 5 tsp Chilli powder
- Worcestershire sauce
- ¼ cup crushed red pepper flakes
- ½ cup beef stock
- 4 tbsp lard (yes lard, motherfucker - none of that healthy olive oil or shit like that)
- 1tsp white pepper
- 1 bottle red wine (to drink whilst cooking)
- Some cold beer (to drink whilst eating)
- Toilet roll (you'll see)
- An anus made of titanium
And, most important of all,
Mad Dog's Revenge hot sauce.
Yeah, I know there are a whole bunch of hot sauces hotter than this, but this is enough. It weighs in at a sweet 1,000,000 scovilles, and once sauce gets this hot, you really can't tell the difference between this and anything hotter.
To put this in perspective, here's how the scoville scale works:
Take 100 mils of sauce, and then keep diluting it with water, until it is impossible to detect any heat with the taste buds. However many litres it takes is the scoville rating.
So, a standard 2 oz bottle of this stuff would take approx 590,000 litres of water to dilute beyond the sensitivity of the human tongue. Over 5 kilos of habaneros are used in the production of each tiny bottle.
Happy now?
Good. Then let's begin.
Method:
1. Heat the lard in a large skillet until melted.
2. Chop the onion. Chop it fine, or chop it rough. I really don't care. Throw it in the skillet and cook for a few minutes until they start to soften.
3. Where's the beef? Got it? Good. Chuck it in and cook until it starts to brown. This can take a few minutes, so now's a good time to open that bottle and pour a large glass of wine.
4. Remove the stems and seeds from all the chillies, and chop them into slithers. Now, go and WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS. Do it. Do it now. And do it good. Do not go for a piss before doing this. Trust me.
5. Chop the tomatoes and add them to the skillet with the chillies and the chilli powder. Just for a minute or so, turn the heat up and give the whole lot a good mix. The extra heat makes the chillies sweat and gives their oil a chance to infuse with the meat (Infuse? WTF?)
6. Turn the heat back down and add a little of the stock, and a tbsp of Mad Dogs Revenge.
7. Add the kidney beans, and a liberal shaking of Worcestershire sauce. Pour another glass of wine.
8. Chuck the cumin, pepper flakes and white pepper into the mix. Add another tbsp of Mad Dog's Revenge. Pour in the rest of the stock and give the whole lot a good stir.
9. Simmer the whole lot for about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally while you drink the rest of the wine straight from the bottle.
10. Now the wine has made you a little bit braver, add a few more tbsps of hot sauce. Give it another stir, and simmer just until all the stock has evaporated and you're left with a nice consistency.
Grab a cold beer from the fridge.
Serve with rice, and caution.
Disclaimer - JoeyG accepts no responsibility for any pain, blindness or death that may occur from eating this product. JoeyG likes his food very hot, and this is just right for him. I'm warning you now, this is hot shit. So don't be all crying and whining like a little bitch, mkay?
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-12 04:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-12 05:41:23 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*gonorrhea*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:22:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
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*Herpes*
This is great. Haven't had a decent game of 'put the name of a sexually transmitted infection in between two asterisks' for ages.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 03:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
-----
I win.
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Damn you, I was rusty.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-12 00:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*gonorrhea*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-02 04:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 08:22:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
-----------
*Herpes*
This is great. Haven't had a decent game of 'put the name of a sexually transmitted infection in between two asterisks' for ages.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-02 03:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*claps*
-----
I win.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-10 11:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll do it!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-09 17:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey... you utter bastard... I have to take this challenge.
But then you knew that didn't you !
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-09 17:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
~AREEEEBA!!!!~
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-09 16:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-09 16:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome recipie, but I'm out of training in the hot department. Give me a few months to warm up for this one and then you can cook me dinner.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-09 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-09 11:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi, JG!
I bet my recipe out-hots your recipe...
:P
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-07-09 11:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"- 4 tbsp lard (yes lard, motherfucker - none of that healthy olive oil or shit like that)"
HA, Love it
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-09 08:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-09 13:34:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's a pretty good recipe. I took a point off because exact amounts on the peppers would be good. Also, I don't even think I could enjoy a meal of this stuff. If something is made just for ridiculous heat then it's no longer about the enjoyment of chili. It becomes some kind of culinary pissing contest where you're making a dish as a novelty and seeing which one of your friends pussies out first and grabs the corn chowder you made "for the ladies".
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I understand what you're saying. But I don't see the point in making something that other people wouldn't enjoy, so you have to tailor it depending on who you make it for. This is how I like it myself, I usually make a load on sunday night and freeze it in little bags to have whenever I fancy it.
But this isn't the sort of thing you'd feed to your diabetic Grandma.
I love my chillies, I love all spicy food. But I also realise other people don't. It's not like I would make it this stregnth if I was making it for other people (unless they're a cunt)
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-09 08:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm envisioning myself on the pot after consuming this and it's not a pretty picture.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-09 08:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-09 07:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck! Is it legal to serve that to minors?
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That's a pretty good recipe. I took a point off because exact amounts on the peppers would be good. Also, I don't even think I could enjoy a meal of this stuff. If something is made just for ridiculous heat then it's no longer about the enjoyment of chili. It becomes some kind of culinary pissing contest where you're making a dish as a novelty and seeing which one of your friends pussies out first and grabs the corn chowder you made "for the ladies".
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-09 08:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Angel loves her some chili. *drools*
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-09 07:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
also after washing hands, wash the counter or area where you chopped the chillies.
never NEVER have sex on that counter for at least two days afterwards.
it burns like shit and it'll leave the little woman blaming and cursing you to hell that it was your fault.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-09 07:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck! Is it legal to serve that to minors?
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-09 06:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this would kill me.
Anyone for a Korma?
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Word
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-07-09 06:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Habaneros...
Man I love those things.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-09 05:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheLightOfSpeed (user info) at 2007-07-09 10:50:15 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't have the anus made of titanium yet... with steel do?
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buns of steel would be an appropriate substitution I guess, just be careful it doesn't melt and fuse your hole shut. That could be, um, interesting...
Submitted by TheLightOfSpeed (user info) at 2007-07-09 05:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't have the anus made of titanium yet... with steel do?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-09 05:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this would kill me.
Anyone for a Korma?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-09 05:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am SO gonna make this now.
MMMmmm I LOVE chillies!