A Zoo Story (1176 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by goferforhire <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-07-09 20:57:49 EDT
"Of course I want to go to the zoo," she says. "They have pandas. And Lions... I love lions."
I am nodding my agreement into my cereal. We have excellent cereal in the mornings, supernaturally healthy, whole wheat brimming with blueberries and strawberries, with a tiny speckling of sugar just to make it American. We are exceedingly American; we eat apple pie on Independence day, and we know all of the words to the National Anthem. We are baseball fans. We are excellent liars.
"Alright so zoo, then. We'll go around lunch and maybe it'll be less crowded."
And it will. It will be a perfect day to be at the zoo, and we will have the park to ourselves. As we walk by, the animals will all come out of the little shady nooks and crannies they go to to avoid being seen by lesse tourists. They will make noise and cavort and they will look extremely happy. We will not need to take pictures, because as we leave the zoo will give us autographed pictures of all of the animals we like. She will think the paws are cute and I will not disagree, because we never disagree. We are perfect.
When we arrive at the zoo it is overcast and humid, and we are a step ahead of a group of children who are some kind of swim team. I know they are a swim team because they are singing at the top of their lungs, a gross battlecry which is a blatant rip-off of We Are the Titans. *They* however, are the poolcats. The mighty mighty poolcats. We ignore them, because we are going to the zoo. We are not here to see other humans, much younger than us and significantly happier. We are here to see big cats, gorillas, and exotic squirrels. They have a squirrel rainbow at our zoo- no boring gray ones, but plenty of red and brown and indigo. I am not shitting you. I do not shit people about squirrels, squirrels are serious business.
Leaving the children, who are b-lining for the pandas, we decide to go see the elephants. She loves elepants. The zoo assures as that the elephants will be well taken care of, and we believe them, because zoos do not shit people about elephants. The elephants will have acres of territory to romp. They will have giant haystacks, and trees, and watering holes, and a kind of eden-like sub-saharan savannah, artificially replicated with love and care. Zoos love elephants, everyone loves elephants. We will walk up to the fence, gorgeous and shining in a streak of sunlight designed by the universe for the two of us who do not deserve to walk in the same underdone lighting used for the rest of humanity. The zoo will see this display, and decide we are good people, which we are. They will let us in to the exhibit, because the animals have been lonely and seeing us will make them so much happier. We will get to feed them- they eat only the finest, and we will be jealous of the fine fruits and vegetables they enjoy. Seeing this, the zookeepers will treat us to dinner at a nice sushi place we passed on the way in. They will let us ride the elephants, and it will be a beautiful experience we remember for all of our lives.
We are immediately horrified. We are a Goya painting, the family of Carravagio's beheaded man, the recipients of Van Gogh's severed ear, we are remembering why we haven't been to the zoo in years and we feel foolish. The elephants are kept in something akin to a Walmart loading dock. They are living in sawdust liberally spattered with their own exrement. They are swarming with flies, too despondent to swat them. There are no zookeepers assuring their comfort, or constantly spraying them with blessed water to keep them cool and clean, there are only construction workers piloting loud machines with ironic animal names which seem to scare the gentle giants. There are people behind us, completely oblivious to the display of misery they are staring at. I am momentarily struck by the irony of them- the elephants dead silent in the presence of them, squealing and blowing and acting like idiots. They are disgusted by the elephants need to shit. People do not shit, that is for animals.
I am deciding I hate people. I am deciding animals have a good idea with this shitting thing. I am going to do terrible things. I am going to commit murder, acts of terrorism, mass poisoning, destroy hospitals. I am going to beat that child squealing "ew gross" in the face with a baseball bat until she has no teeth, and then I am going to break her legs and cover her with dust and shit until she has an idea of what she is mocking. I am going to come back here with an ak-47. I am going to put my fingers into that asshole with the Hawaiian shirt's eyes. I am a terrible person. I pray for death.
She is squeezing my hand, mirroring my hatred. We move on, experiencing similar thoughts of genocide at other exhibits. I am taking machetes to Latino children trying to stomp a moth on a bridge, weilding a flamethrower against a child attempting to refer to every species of bird by the color of its feathers, considering feeding every single poolcat to the animals, particularly the little boy who called one of the sea lions "Mr. Whale." My hands are bloody, and I will have to floss my teeth to clear my mouth of tendons. "Why did I do it?" The press will ask me when I am, inevitably, caught in the act of digging a jackhammer into the head of a tall chubby white man with a southern accent laughing at the funny monkey. "Well..." I will respond, but they will not get to hear the rest of the answer. I will be strangling them with the handcuffs.
We are leaving the zoo. We are tired and defeated, sweaty and bitter. We are not perfect. We are beautiful maybe but not perfect. We head the wrong way at first but make up for it by eating at the sushi place the zookeepers forgot to take us to. It is good, but we are distracted by a large woman telling her imaginary friends about the men she has slept with. We dread the subway. We are terrified of it. It haunts our nightmares. We are thinking of walking the 20 miles home.
I wanted to be one of them, I think. I wanted to be an overweight, heavily breathing child whining because he dropped his brandnew digital camera and now he can't take picture of the iguanas which he would have whined about being too bright. I want to be a father desperately banging on the glass trying to make snakes entertain his instantly bored and boring child. I want a slurpie to actually make me feel better. I want to see a polar bear sweating in July weather, or a bird with its wings clipped, or a lion pacing back and forth in the slow and uncomfortably familiar pattern of growing insanity. I want my head not to hurt if I bang it against the concrete while trying to drive thoughts of mass-murder with sharpened bamboo out of my mind. I want to like myself. I want to like you, but unfortunately I don't.
I like her. She gets me and we can love each other while thinking about swimming in bathtubs filled with human blood. We are perfect. We are beautiful. We are going to become famous someday and use our money to exterminate the human race. People are jealous of us. People wish they could be as happy as us. We are Americans. We don't burn the flag on the fourth of July. We don't talk about terrorism in public. We keep our distaste for the president to ourselves and the people we have a modicum of respect for. You are not a part of us. You are probably a bad person.
We will shine eternally, discovering immortality at just the right age, 27 or something like that, and we will travel to every corner of the earth, and you will not get to come. We will pity you. We will send you postcards after a while but we will forget.
"Of course I want to go to the movies," she says. "No one talks at movies."
Shhhhhh.... don't forget to turn your cellphone off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-30 11:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POST SOMETHING, PLEASE.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-11 06:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good, I like the part about killing people.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-07-11 00:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 13:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Out for lunch- http://www.ubersite.com/m/109997
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 12:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
attn: people who liked this- I am ripping off Dave Eggers's style. Read his books.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-10 12:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really, really liked this.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 12:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Occams Razor's first review...
*silently hopes for his first post to be awesome with a name like 'Occam's Razor'*
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-07-10 12:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-10 11:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent Piece...
Submitted by Occams_Razor (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spirited.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, beheading sounds about right
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its ok HBTS ate his scarf once.
Oh and my lady 'friend' made this comment about 'Hot Fuzz', I nearly beheaded her.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will eat my hat. Really. There will be pictures.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who thought it was rubbish??? It was bloody awesome!
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit I have to eat my hat....
Oh well I look terrible in hats
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Hot Fuzz' is so funny but someone told me they thought it was rubbish yesterday!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How's the hat tasting mate?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first die hard movie wasn't that silly... really. The *second* though...
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is quite entertaining. I wouldn't have payed for it, but then I'm a poor college student and I tend to go broke between paychecks buying food.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 15:03:32 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have heard Die Hard 4 is shite, care to give me your expert opinion......
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Not bad thus far. Re: Silliness comment from gofer. Of course it's fuckin' silly dude, it's Die Hard!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have heard Die Hard 4 is shite, care to give me your expert opinion......
I need to smoke but it seems to adversly affect my work.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 10:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He took out a plane with a car. That is silly.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 14:57:15 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be hard for you to agree with me for once!
What you doing today??
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Applying for 'real' jobs. Watching Die Hard 4. Smoking. The usual.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be hard for you to agree with me for once!
What you doing today??
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll join in with that I suppose. B@W
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want this too make most heated.
oh
and
B@W
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 14:44:50 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am covering my hat in Agave Nectar.
Note: Agave Nectar is delicious and (I'm not but if you are, awesome) vegan. It is an ideal sweetener for tea, and it goes well in cooking. It is like honey, only more awesome. Agave Nectar. Remember that.
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I was a vegan for many years, well, around 4 and I've never heard of that. Will seek it out. Is it the same consistency as honey?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am covering my hat in Agave Nectar.
Note: Agave Nectar is delicious and (I'm not but if you are, awesome) vegan. It is an ideal sweetener for tea, and it goes well in cooking. It is like honey, only more awesome. Agave Nectar. Remember that.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hat eating might be on the agenda buddy, you're almost there.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if this makes heated I will eat my hat. Stories don't make heated
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am surprised by the number of people +2ing advocacy of murder
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-07-10 09:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-07-10 08:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The zoo assures as that the elephants will be well taken care of, and we believe them, because zoos do not shit people about elephants.
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Nicely done, and this in particular, made me laugh.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-07-10 08:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-07-10 07:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-10 03:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really, really good.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quick and fun read
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-10 01:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're the best.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-07-10 01:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much different than the zoo story. Eat your heart Albee.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We make up far too many of the reviews on this post.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I like you. Penchant for good hygiene aside, I'm very much not neat, but I always find a place for beautiful things. Like your writing, for example. It fits neatly right here in my computer.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually I don't envision you as being neat... not disorganized either. I picture your house as being full of things you find beautiful, not arranged particularly, just placed to be visible.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get it.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like it. I like you. You are neat and high.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.jasonshogreen.com/shop/prints/600/onlyaman.jpg
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not a mandroid
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am high.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not drunk
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's just lovely.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA Told you Stag.
You read like Tom Waits.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-10 03:01:24 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
What? How old do you think I am?
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No clue mate. But from the way you write I like to picture as a weathered old campaigner. Lean and hungry in the wind.
All that bollocks, knamean?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 22:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What? How old do you think I am?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:56:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not drunk.
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Not YET. Just wait 'til you get all liquored up and start telling people about 'the bad old days'. Then we'll see your true colours sir.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not drunk.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:45:52 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 11:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Staggering Genius
---------
Yes?
=========
Haha, you're just a Staggering Drunk.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-10 11:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Staggering Genius
---------
Yes?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the story isn't actually about elephants at all. It is about going to the zoo, getting angry, and dealing emotionally with a desire to kill.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yeah, Hurt By The Sun, I'm digging into A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now and it is brilliant.
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I've only read that and 'You Shall Know our Velocity'. Hearbreaking work is my favourite though. A real surprise and a touching read.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dave Eggers doesn't write about elephants... well there are probably elephants in "What is the What" but the Eggers thing is a question of style. The repetition is part of his thing... though I think I overdid it a bit... it might also make more sense in novel form.
And yeah, Hurt By The Sun, I'm digging into A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius right now and it is brilliant.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:22:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
who's dave eggers? like i care? why would he write about elephants anyway? i prefer stories about tigers and giraffes. but that's just my preference.
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He's an awesome writer. He doesn't necessarily write about elephants, but he does use repetition as part of his style.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I am taking machetes to Latino children trying to stomp a moth on a bridge" - explain what this has to do with elephants?
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
who's dave eggers? like i care? why would he write about elephants anyway? i prefer stories about tigers and giraffes. but that's just my preference.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:15:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
you mentioned elephants like 10 times in one story. why didn't you just call it elephants and get it over with?
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You missed the bit about Dave Eggers, didn't you.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Because I was making a literary homage to Edward Albee. Elephants do not belong in zoos.
http://www.ashesandsnow.org/
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:15:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
you mentioned elephants like 10 times in one story. why didn't you just call it elephants and get it over with?
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You missed the bit about Dave Eggers, didn't you.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you mentioned elephants like 10 times in one story. why didn't you just call it elephants and get it over with?
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-10 02:13:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you read David Eggers? I am trying his style out to see if it works for me. That is why this is the way it is.
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I think you got pretty close to his style. 'A Heartbreaking Work' is one of the best books I've ever read.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you read David Eggers? I am trying his style out to see if it works for me. That is why this is the way it is.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-09 21:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is wonderful. I am not shitting you. I do not shit you about your stories. Your stories are serious business.
A slurpee really did make me feel better the other day. Maybe because I was drinking. Maybe because I was with a very handsome man much too young for me. Maybe because I haven't had one in a long time and that's what slurpees do. I do not know. But I do know it made me feel better. And I was already feeling pretty damn good.