Rate Your Movie Frachise! (1018 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.77 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-07-10 16:19:50 EDT
The Spiderman movies come and blow, Star Wars went from masterpiece to bowel movement, and The Lord of the Rings was just, well, gay. Come on, you know what I'm talking about. All that thinly-concealed man-love. Pretty boys in long hair and leather getting all sweaty and loquacious. Fuckin Hollywood faggots. And I bet New Zealand is like, a whole island enclave of ass-bandits janking each other off with penguin-oil lubricant.
No, if I'm gonna rate a movie franchise I'm gonna rate the Die Hards, because even when they suck, they are still fun movies, and that is one tough balancing act to pull off. Great. Now that I said 'pull off' all those New Zealand gaylords are getting excited. Fuckin spine-hammering perverts.
Here's how I rate the Die Hard series.
Leave comments, rate your own franchise, or go fuck yourself. Who cares. I'm goin for a smoke.
The Die Hards in order of greatness...
1- Die Hard (I)
The screenplay is awesome (the script is a thing of beauty) and everything from the glib one liners to a hero who talks to himself to McTiernan's direction to Michael Kamen's music had a HUGE influence on action movies for over a decade. And no one will ever, EVER top Alan Rickman as an action movie villain. Ever.
Now I have a machine gun too. Ho-ho-ho.
"Nice suit."
"Mr. Takagi won't be joining us, for the rest of his life."
"What was it you said? Yippy kay yay, muddavucka."
"That was pretty tricky with that accent, Hans. You oughta be on fuckin TV with that accent."
2- Die Hard with a Vengeance (III)
Rabbity Jeremy Irons wasn't bad as the villain, and I believe this was a retread originally intended as a Lethal weapon sequel, but Samuel Jackson's angry and self-sufficient black man brought a nice edge to the movie, and the opening few minutes with a burned out and fucked up McClane entering Harlem wearing a sandwich board bearing politically incorrect speech made for one hell of an attention-grabber.
"My name's not JESUS. The man said, Hey! Zeus!"
3- Live Free or Die Hard (IV)
Not a bad plot, but DULL villains.
The main bad guy looked like he found a stash of William Shatner's eyeliner left over from 1967. McClane's sidekick was an excellent casting choice, that young kid Justin Long who has only done a few flicks (and he's the 'Mac guy' in the Apple ads). He did a good job. The girl playing Lucy McClane was actually okay, considering the plastic vapid bimbos Hollywood has to offer these days.)
My question, why was it rated PG13? For a bigger payday, reeling in the little kids? What the fuck? They've watered down the language and frankly, it sucks.
McClane: Yippy-kay-yay, motherfuEXPLOSIONer
What the Christ? I nearly shit when I heard that. It was like watching fuckin network TV during the family hour.
If motherfuckin parents don't think their little fuckin kids can handle a few fucks shits and pisses without spontaneously fuckin combusting then this country is completely fuckin fucked.
Still, I recommend you go see DH4. It's good old-fashioned fun.
4- Die Hard 2 - Die Harder (II)
The title was retarded, the plot sucked a big sweaty pair of balls, and William Sadler's ass-baring Army Guy villain blew. But lots of stuff blew up. Planes and shit. And there were a few decent lines.
"Just like fuckin IWO JIMA!!!"
"Stack'em, pack'em and rack'em."*
*Spoken by Fred Thompson, yes, THAT Fred Thompson.
User Reviews
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-08-08 06:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Game over, people. GAME OVER!
How the fuck did you miss the Alien franchise? OK, the last two weren't great, and the whole AVP thing was a fucking insult, but the first two movies were simply amazing. Shame on you.
That wasnt going to be my contribution, though.
Planet of the Apes is where it's at.
I'm seriously considering naming my first born Cornelius.
Submitted by hellish (user info) at 2007-07-11 17:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
didn't you actually write fiction once?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-07-11 16:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
REMO WILLIAMS?
with Wilford Brimley and the cutting edge intarwebz computer that watches all the criminals?
That rocked.
**punches hole in finger board**
Chiun: "Find a nail."
I read one of the old "Destroyer" comic books and Chuin tripped a bus that was trying to run him over.
side step
stick out leg
trip a goddamn bus.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-11 15:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-11 15:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jack McCallum was busy taking in the second "Men's Live Sex Show" at "The Crowbar" in the Mission District on Saturday night, so he missed his chance to have Shlongy buy him a couple of those pink, fruity cocktails that he enjoys so, so much.
And yet, I agree with this post.
It's a strange world.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-11 15:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-11 14:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-07-11 14:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should have made another Remo Williams
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HOLY CHRIST.
Although it is a very dated movie now, I love Remo Williams. I thought I was the only one.
Remo: (hanging from the outside of a construction site elevator cage) "JESUS!"
Chiun: "CONCENTRATE! This is no time for prayer!"
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Those fucking bastards, when you name a movie "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins"
You better have "Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues"
or "Remo Williams: The Revenge"
or "Remo Williams: The Adventure Ends"
or "Remo Williams: Something fuckers you came up with 4 sequals to Tremors, 100 to Friday the 13th so you better make something for this"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-11 14:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-07-11 14:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should have made another Remo Williams
--
HOLY CHRIST.
Although it is a very dated movie now, I love Remo Williams. I thought I was the only one.
Remo: (hanging from the outside of a construction site elevator cage) "JESUS!"
Chiun: "CONCENTRATE! This is no time for prayer!"
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-07-11 14:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should have made another Remo Williams
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-07-11 13:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is a blooper in Attack of the Clones where Anakin's head accidentally passes through the top of a doorway he is meant to duck under.
Keep in mind it passes THROUGH. The doorway was COMPUTER GENERATED.
WHY DO YOU NEED TO COMPUTER GENERATE A DOORWAY?
GEORGE LUCAS WENT MADE WITH POWER.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-07-11 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A New Hope
Empire Strikes Back
Return of the Jedi
Revenge of the Sith
Phantom Menace
Attack of the Clones
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-11 13:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe no one's done this yet
Empire Strikes Back
A New Hope
Return of the Jedi
Revenge of the Sith
Attack of the Clones
and...I can't even remember what the fucking terrible episode 1 was called
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-07-11 10:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked LOTR.
How could you miss "It's Alive" and "Island of the Alive" or whatever they were called. Classics all of 'em.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-07-11 09:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-11 07:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dawn of the dead
Night of the dead (I will probably get called a blasphemer for that, but i call them like I see them)
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BLASPHEMER!!!!
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-11 09:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-11 08:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello? McFly?
Back To The Future.
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Damn, I knew I was forgetting one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-11 08:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Predator and Terminator serieses rank up there too.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-11 08:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello? McFly?
Back To The Future.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-11 08:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
indiana jones vs. mad max
mad max comes out on top though, cos in the second one there's rape in it.
after all, this IS Uber.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-11 08:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gremlins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come on who doesnt like Gremlins!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-07-11 07:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-10 21:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Were you out at a movie Saturday night - by yourself, as usual - instead of having drinks on Shlongy at the BV?
What a dumb shit.
I was also there for two hours onS aturday night, too.
============
last time I had drinks at the BV I woke up the next morning in my car parked on geary, a bra hanging from my rear view, and I couldn't find my shoes.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-07-11 07:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dawn of the dead
Night of the dead (I will probably get called a blasphemer for that, but i call them like I see them)
Day of the Dead
Land of the Dead
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-11 07:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 19:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and?
===
you're kidding, right?
while it's hilarious, the depiction of africans is pretty bad.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-11 07:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Indiana Jones Series
X-Men Series
Kill Bill Series
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-07-11 05:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sucks ass.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-11 01:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-10 21:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Were you out at a movie Saturday night - by yourself, as usual - instead of having drinks on Shlongy at the BV?
What a dumb shit.
I was also there for two hours onS aturday night, too.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 19:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I was fed with the prejudices in the bourgeoisie in which i was living in. it was in 1930. i knew of this country only what people said at the time: "niggers are children. fortunately, we're there" - Hergé
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Racist? Ridiculous!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not to mention the rampant poaching
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's pretty racist, that's why u like it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110019
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what?! are you comparing me to the bloggist?
--
No, it was more of a 'You mean like this?' kind of thing.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tintin au Congo still makes me laugh. Hoo-haw!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110019
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what?! are you comparing me to the bloggist?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i had all the Tintins too. i had a shitload of comics as a kid.
they weren't my favorites though. i liked "Leonard" (Da Vinci), "Les Tuniques Bleues" (a corporal and sergeant in the american civil war) and "Bob Morane"
on the other hand, Tintin was interesting for the time periods they were made. the sci-fi in the episodes with the moon landing was very accurate for the info he had.
godamn, i'm a nerd.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Godfather .
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Fuck Coppola.
Scorsese is where it's at, man.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Has anyone else enjoyed the Bourne movies? I always thought Matt Damon (Team America flashback) was as entertaining as a fresh turd, but I really enjoy those flicks. Maybe it's the European locations, I dunno...
I also liked the Jack Ryan movies with Harrison Ford. What the fuck were they thinking with that Ben Affleck (sp? who cares?) one though? Jayzuz.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Godfather .
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mad Max
Road Warrior
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eeew, i had a roomate who read that shit. he talked about it as if it was the bible. picture me sitting on my couch after a shitty day, beer in hand and aggravated because forced to listened to my cousin yap about the smilarillion and how morgoth raped the middle of the earth and how tom bambideer has powers and...ZZZZzZZZZzzzzz
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/110019
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Asterix is okay, but Tintin rocks.
I have the entire Tintin collection. Soft covers, unfortunately, but I HAVE THEM ALL! AHAHAHA!!!
And for Christ's sake, what jackass decided to translate Milou as 'Snowy?'
Why don't they just call Tintin 'Fred' for fuck sake?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i read it because i had read the others.
obsessive thing on my part maybe.
and i was only 15 year old. when you're stoned out of your mind and have nothing to do...eh, why not?
i appreciated it as a work of fiction and for the attention to detail that the guy put into his creation, but that is it. i leave that demented dedication to larpers and such. i haven't even seen any of the movies. are they worth watching at all?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heh...bambi-deer...that was unintended...is name is something like bambodil or bamdolil or...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack probably read the silmarillion too. i know i did. but i think mine wasn't hash so much as just really, really good weed
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eeew, i had a roomate who read that shit. he talked about it as if it was the bible. picture me sitting on my couch after a shitty day, beer in hand and aggravated because forced to listened to my cousin yap about the smilarillion and how morgoth raped the middle of the earth and how tom bambideer has powers and...ZZZZzZZZZzzzzz
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-10 18:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack probably read the silmarillion too. i know i did. but i think mine wasn't hash so much as just really, really good weed
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you managed to read those books!?
wow...congratulations. after the first initial 600 hundred pages or so of presentation about what is a hobbit, and hobbit genealogy and what hobbits eat for breakfast and the hobbit stools color...when my head was just screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SHIRE!" i surrendered and closed the book and went back to reading Asterix like a drooling analphabet.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lotr was not only a bit gay, it was fucking LONG.
_______________________________________
I had the same thought. I watched the full version of the last movie not long ago and it took half my fucking day.
--
I felt the same way when I read the books many years ago. Granted they are great works of entertainment, but holy long-winded fuck.
Then again, I was stoned out of my fucking tree on Moroccan hash when I read those books.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
RETURN OF BRUNO BEAT ALL OF THOSE
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this country is completely fuckin fucked...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol @ tremors
terminator is great.
taxi too.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tremors
Tremors 2
Tremors 3
Tremors 4
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-10 17:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
' And I bet New Zealand is like, a whole island enclave of ass-bandits janking each other off with penguin-oil lubricant.'
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fuck you motherfucking cocksucking cunt.
it's lamb oil.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have never seen a Die Hard movie, and i never will. same goes for Harry Potter books. never read one, never will. THEY ARE BOOKS FOR CHILDREN,PEOPLE.
here's my franchise.
First Blood (Rambo I): Easily one of the best movies of all time. Top five material.
Every other Rambo movie: Shit.
Well, that was quick. I'll do another.
Rocky I: See results for the first Rambo movie
Every other Rocky movie: Entertaining, but not even close to the first one.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lotr was not only a bit gay, it was fucking LONG. the last movie drags on forever with tears and hugs and whatnot...it feels like you wanna leave a christmas party and you have to say bye a hundred thousands times and hug and kiss all your aunts twice.
_______________________________________
I had the same thought. I watched the full version of the last movie not long ago and it took half my fucking day.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(1) Raiders of the lost ark
(2) IJ and the last crusade
(3) temple of doom
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
3.Cube (3)
2.Cube squared
1.Cube
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alan Rickman rocks the face off every role he plays.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3. Evil Dead 2
2. Evil Dead 1
1. Army of Darkness.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the rockys are good too.
rocky IV was fucking awesome propaganda for a kid.
i still like it.
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It may be because i'm female but I didnt enjoy the Die Hard movies. I did like LOTR.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-10 16:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lotr was not only a bit gay, it was fucking LONG. the last movie drags on forever with tears and hugs and whatnot...it feels like you wanna leave a christmas party and you have to say bye a hundred thousands times and hug and kiss all your aunts twice.
i liked die hard 2. except that annoying hobo he finds in the tunnels or something.