So I spent some time in a psych unit.... (918 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.44 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AlahAckbar (View user info) at 2007-07-15 11:38:34 EDT
I work in a hospital, as some of you might know, and I get paid well... VERY well, to do my job. Especially when you consider the typical workload I get. Rarely do I have a day where I get flustered, or upset, or even discombobulated. Usually, I get days where I sit on my tongue attractor (that would be my ass) for a long, long time.
However, there is one thing about my job that I do not like. Do not like at all. This thing is 99% of the time something simple, like turning a screw (literally) or figuring out why something isn't working correctly.
No, it's not WHAT I have to do; it's WHERE I have to do it. And that place, is the psych unit.
You see, the psych unit at my hospital is the only one in at least a 100-mile radius. We cover a huge area, just absolutely huge. So every nutso, freakshow, pervert, or schitzo in this huge area gets shipped right on up to us.
And our psych unit is BIG because of it. 5 floors with probably 40 beds each. Which means at any given point in time, they can stuff this place full of 200 different wackjobs, all with a different issue or reason that they want to kill themselves.
And I have to deal with them. Not often, but at least once a week.
I got called to the psych unit just to check a piece of equipment out. Now, I try to go there as little as possible, or if I have to go there, try to do it during a lockdown period. But sometimes, I just have to go their ASAP.
This was one of those times.
So I walk through the hospital to the unit, where I meet a female nurse at the door to the elevator. She opens up the door, inserts the key, turns it, and hits level 5.
Up we go, the doors open, and a typical wooden security door greets us. She enters a code, and bam, we're in. I ask what's going on and they say that the faulty equipment is in a back room. They show me where it is, just a small room at the end of a long hallway, in which I suppose the freaks are.
I kneel down, and get to work. Not being absolutely retarded, I keep my back to the wall, and keep a watch on the door. After about 3 minutes of me working, a short, cute blonde steps into the doorway, and leans against the doorjamb. I glance up, notice that she's fairly hot, and wearing light blue scrubs; nurses colors.
"Whatcha doing?" She asks.
"Trying to get this stupid thing working." I reply.
"Oh." She says, standing there. I keep working; she keeps standing there, watching me. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I finish up, stand up, and start to leave.
"Where you going?" she asks.
"Gotta get back to the floors, got patients to take care of and what not...." I smile, my usual "at work" smile, something most healthcare workers have mastered. It says "I'm not happy to be here, please don't make my day difficult."
She stomps her foot. "No. I won't let you leave." She says, standing in the doorway, blocking my way.
It's at this moment that I realize a few things.
1) I'm on the highest security floor of the only psych hospital for a fairly large area.
2) I'm out of sight of the desk, and this isn't a patient's room, so there is no camera or call button.
3) That while in orientation, I was informed not to forget that the patients on level 5 in the psych unit wear light blue jumpers, similar to those worn by the med surg nurses.
4) I had forgotten that the patients on level 5 in the psych unit wear light blue jumpers, similar to those worn by the med surg nurses.
"I won't let you leave me daddy. Not again." This psycho says to me.
"Oh shit...." I say to her.
"Daddy, why are you leaving me...? Why are you leaving me again? Don't you want me? Don't you love me? Daddy don't leave...." She's starting to whimper, but she's still blocking the door...
I'm starting to think more calmly now. I'm a big guy; this is just some girl, maybe 20 years old. She's 5 foot 2, maybe 115 pounds. Worst-case scenario, I defend myself.
"You NEED to get out of my way." I say, as forcefully as I can.
"I'll do anything! I swear it! You can do anything you want to me, I won't tell... you want me daddy, don't you?" Then, she STARTS TAKING OFF HER FUCKING CLOTHES.
"OH SHIT! NEED SOME HELP! Can get some help in here, please?"
At this point, she is pulling down her pants, and coming towards me....
"I'll suck it for you Daddy, Please let me suck it, please... Just don't leave me. After I suck it you can put it in my ass again. Anything, I won't tell, I promise. I'll be a good girl. Just don't leave me... please!"
She is now totally naked, standing in the doorway. She falls to her knees, sobbing, crying, "Please daddy, just fuck me, just fuck me one more time. Please, I want to feel you inside me, I need you inside me daddy, please...."
Now, this might seem highly erotic to some of you: A cute chick, on all fours, naked, begging to be fucked, to be mishandled, to be pounded. Hell, if I wasn't there, I'd think it was pretty damn hot myself.
However, there are a couple of things to consider. She was a patient, I was a caregiver. That's fucking jail time.
Furthermore, the cuts all over her body, most of them quite fresh, many of them stitched up, were definitely detracting from the situation.
"I NEED FUCKING HELP IN HERE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" I yelled, probably louder then I've ever yelled in my life.
"Look, daddy, I shit myself... don't you want to punish me?" she said, as she proceeded to drop a massive duce on the floor, followed up by a nice golden shower. "Spank me Daddy... Spank me then fuck me in the ass, like you used to!" and she started to crawl (through her own shit and piss) towards me.
Alright, it's decision time: I've got a counter to get up on, but that's only a momentary roadblock until this fucking wack job stands up and tries to grab me with her now shit laced hands. I made my decision: no job is worth this. I'll get up on the counter, and if she doesn't back the fuck off, I'm gonna put my size 12's as far up her fucking nose as I they will go, then push a little more. For a brief moment, I wonder if it's possible to kick someone's nose through the back of his or her skull. I decided it would be my job to try to prove that it could be done.
"Oh god damn it! Who let Cindy's Haldone wear off! She's got the guy pinned up against the fucking counter!" Someone yells from the hallway.
"Daddy! The bad men are gonna take me! Save me daddy!" She's now stood up, and is coming for me....
"Get her the fuck off me!" I yell at the guy.
"Just tell her she's been bad, and to sit in the corner, you'll be fine...." He says as his voice fades away, signaling that he was leaving.... I was hoping that he would get the damn drug that made this bitch halfway human. Or halfway dead, hey, whatever.
I had no problem telling her to get the fuck away from me.
"Go sit in the fucking corner you crazy bitch!" I yelled, jumping up onto the counter.
"But daddy, I want you in..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET IN THE FUCKING CORNER!" I screamed at her. "FUCKING GET AWAY FROM ME! GET THE FUCK AWAY! IN THE CORNER YOU FUCKING SKANK!"
I'm now dancing across the counter, trying to get an open shot at the door. If I could get the right angle, I might be able to jump from the counter, avoid her shit smear all over the floor, and make it out the door, back into the normalcy of the real world.
She's stopped chasing me, but now she's crying, rubbing her eyes with her duce stained hands. She pulls her hands down, eyes red from crying. Shit is smeared all around her eyes.
My first thought was "She's a god damn raccoon."
My second thought was "heheheh... brown eye."
She looks at me, and says, "I won't let you go!" and then reaches for me... It's now or never!
I take one final glance at the literal skid mark on the floor, try to gauge the distance and LEAP.........
The foot I landed on cleared the dookie, but landed straight in a nice big yellow puddle. It slipped out from under me, and I started to skid on the floor, sliding sideways. I caught myself on the railing that ran around the room, and sprinted for the door.
WHAM! I Ran directly into a very large nurse, holding a very big needle, filled with some noxious fluid that he was planning on injecting into that psycho's neck. I rebound, and end up on the other side of the room, back against the countertop. I look up, and Shitty McButtslut is right there, reaching, a yearning desire burning in her eyes....
And then they glass over. She goes a bit limp, then starts to fall. The burly intern catches her, the shit smearing harmlessly against his cover gown.
"Yeah, sorry bout that. Should have checked on her. Should have warned you too."
"Ya fucking think?!?!?!?!"
I look down at the deuce pile, and see a trailing footprint, leading up to my own shoe.
I fucking hate the psych unit.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-18 22:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why thank you.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-17 02:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to be fair it was amusing
Submitted by spittle8 (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was some disgusting, hilarious shit. I don't believe it, though. Either A; You made this up or B; She was just talking out of her ass. That's just too ridiculous. Funny though.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 15:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's what she did alright!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-16 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
pile of steaming bullcrap
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-16 13:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god, i'm so fucking horny right now.
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Come to Butthead
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Beavis and Butthead.... ahhhhh, nostalgia....
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-16 13:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no problem...it's not very good either so that -2 should be natural
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110175
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-16 13:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shitty McButtslut"
goddamn thats funny
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 11:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cort, maybe if you wrote something worth reading once in a while, i'd auto -2 it too!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-16 11:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not horrible, not great = worth reading
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-07-16 10:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ZZZzzzZzzzz
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-16 10:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I dont think this is funny at all.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god, i'm so fucking horny right now.
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Come to Butthead
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh. A whole bunch of whiney bitches who hate to see someone being successful. Wah, I still live in my parents house. Wah! I drive a 95 chevy minivan! Wah! I am useless to society! Wah!
Well, kiddies, here you go. I'll give you something to bitch about.
-Alah
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My second thought was "heheheh... brown eye."
excellent
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-07-16 08:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope for your sake, and your job's, that you used fictitious names to recount this story...if not, and your manager ever sees it, you'll be shit out of work faster than she dropped the deuce. HIPPA violations and all that nonsense.
Still, an entertaining read.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2007-07-16 08:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-07-16 06:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been a +2 had it not been for the inappropriate "I get paid loads" line - cocksucker.
From reading this story I see you as the fucking Janitor from Scrubs.
====================
I couldn't have said it better.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-07-16 06:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been a +2 had it not been for the innapropriate "I get paid loads" line - cocksucker.
From reading this story I see you as the fucking Janitor from Scubs.
I mean this in the nicest way - Die.
..... I would have told her "quick, before the bad men take you, go hide in the toilets, I'll meet you in there in 5 mins" - Bam I'd have screwed the shit out of that wackjob. She could call me daddy all she wants!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-16 06:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was going to plus 2 this, but you brought your job into it again. So no.
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I'll bet your user name is airbrushed on a license plate attached to the front of your '94 Honda Civic.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-16 04:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
shitty day at work?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 02:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2007-07-16 01:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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holy fuck,
you must be dusty.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2007-07-16 01:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-16 02:01:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was going to plus 2 this, but you brought your job into it again. So no.
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Are you a total spastic? The whole thing is ABOUT his job.
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was going to plus 2 this, but you brought your job into it again. So no.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-07-15 19:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about those guys. They get pissy if your post isn't presented in exactly the way they think a post should be.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-15 18:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fucked up.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-15 18:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh. Glad those of you who liked it, well, liked it.
I guess.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-15 16:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-15 16:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I work in a hospital, as some of you might know, and I get paid well... VERY well, to do my job
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and thats where you lost me
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-07-15 16:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha nice
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Liar.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I still wanna know what your job title is.
Submitted by watcher (user info) at 2007-07-15 14:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO!! I feel your pain--I've had a few run-ins at the hospital I used to work at too. At least you didn't have to draw blood from them...that's when they usually go into weaver-freak mode.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-07-15 14:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
howling bag of cunt
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-15 14:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
From what I saw in your previous post you earn about £10 per hour, which woulc be good for flipping burgers, but is absolutely terrible for being attacked by people covered in shit.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-15 13:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well that's just fucked up, if it's true. Poor girl.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-15 13:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotcha.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-15 13:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice...
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-15 13:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If your psyche unit alone is five floors with 40 beds on each floor that sounds like a large hospital to me, but I suppose size is relative.
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The psych unit is so large because it covers such a large area. It gets a lot of funding from the state because of this.
The hospital coves a large area, but not nearly as large. Just a typical, small community hospital. 3 floors, a good maternity ward, offices and such on third floor, med/surg icu (8 beds in icu, 36 in med/surg, 1 hospice. on second, and er 8 (beds), materntiy (12 beds) and such on first.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god, i'm so fucking horny right now.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If your psyche unit alone is five floors with 40 beds on each floor that sounds like a large hospital to me, but I suppose size is relative.
Submitted by Geophillyx (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA how come this only got an overall 1? id give it a +10
heh brown eye.....
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This doesn't ring true to me for various reasons, not the least of which is you call yourself a caregiver but you seem to be describing the duties of a maintenance technician.
A caregiver in a large hospital doesn't normally sit on his or her ass all day, either.
If this is fictional it needs more embellishment. If it is based on truth it needs more wit.
WHo says I work in a large hospital?
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck dude. Thats some crazy shit, but zebra's right, you need to go into a little more detail about what your job is for this to sound believable. Also how big was that room you were in?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been wondering where my sister got to.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-15 12:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This doesn't ring true to me for various reasons, not the least of which is you call yourself a caregiver but you seem to be describing the duties of a maintenance technician.
A caregiver in a large hospital doesn't normally sit on his or her ass all day, either.
If this is fictional it needs more embellishment. If it is based on truth it needs more wit.