The Toke Bug (532 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.17 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by frankthebear (View user info) at 2007-07-15 15:26:19 EDT
The Toke Bug
Bud sat in his basement with the Toke Bug. Bud had never heard what Toke's real name was, he was just the Toke Bug, the Bug, or Tokey. Tonight they were sharing some of Tokey's special home grown herb, and Bud had never tasted sweeter. At least not that he could remember.
The Bug inhaled deeply, drawing the smoke into his lungs, serving it to his system with relish.
"Damn that's smooth!" he said with a lopsided grin, smoke lazily wafting from first one nostril then the other.
"Pass it back over here, man!" said Bud impatiently.
Tokey passed the pipe back slowly, clearly enjoying the effect it had on his hasty friend. Bud made a grab at it and the Toke Bug pulled it back out of reach. This got them both laughing hysterically.
"You need to loosen up, man," said Tokey after he had managed to get his stoned giggles under control. "I barely took a hit before you started bitching. That and your joints are always too thin, you're too stingy!"
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, now stop Bogarting it!"
"All right, 'Hit it again, Sham!'" said the Bug doing a passable imitation of Bogart. This got them laughing again. Bud tried taking a hit before his own laughter dried up and he ended up coughing it all out again.
They passed the bowl back and forth for a while, telling bar jokes and other amusing anecdotes until they were both roaring with stoned laughter. Finally Bud, his face hurting from smiling so much and his sides sore from the laughter, put down the pipe and stood up.
"You hungry?" he asked the grinning Toke Bug.
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?" was his reply. They made their way to the kitchen trying to suppress a fresh gale of laughter.
In the kitchen, they split up and did a search of the fridge, cupboards, cabinets, and shelves. When they met again at the table, they had between them a pack of Twizzlers, stale crackers, a can of refried beans, taco chips, ham slices, Swiss cheese, a jar of mustard with a large amount of yellow crust around the rim, grinder rolls, chocolate ice cream, half a pack of hot dogs, raspberry popsicles, three cans of cola, two butter knives, one spoon, a pizza cutter, an apple peeler, five bowls, and a banana.
"Looks like the Blue Plate Special for the day is a Jumbo sundae with everything on it!" said Tokey with a grin. "And Heaven help the man who can't stomach this strange concoction from Hell!" They started dividing their spoils into two of the bowls and brought the "food" back into the living room where Bud turned on the tv and flipped around the channels until he found an old re-run of MASH. They ate, pulled each other's fingers, and brought the empty bowls back into the kitchen. They then returned to the living room again.
"So tell me," said Bud, his voice thick and sticky sounding, "Have you got anything new?"
"Well it just so happens I do," said the Bug with a knowing smile. The Bug's reputation was the stuff of legend, he always had the best smoke in the tri-state area, and the idea of the Toke Bug getting busted was laughable.
He reached into his large overcoat and pulled out a small plastic baggie. Bud's eyes boggled, the contents looked like Maui Wowie. "It's Maui Wowie," said the Bug with a grin. "And as you can imagine, it's extremely hard to come by in this part of the country."
"How'd you get it!?" asked Bud, his bleary eyes glued to the bag.
"When they call you The Toke Bug, it's usually for a good reason!" said the Bug cryptically. There was no more explanation than that. "Now do you wanna smoke this shit or not?"
Bud nodded enthusiastically. He had of course seen pictures of Maui in his High Times magazine, but had never seen it in person before. His mouth dried up in anticipation of the exotic smoke to come.
With a fluid grace that only comes from years of loving effort and practice, the Bug separated the weed from the stems and seeds. In the blink of an eye, a perfect joint had been rolled. Uniform thickness and evenly round, the joint was the epitome of a stoner's dream come true.
The Toke Bug handed the joint to Bud, allowing him the honor of lighting it first. With hands that trembled slightly, Bud flicked his Bic and held the flame to the end of the joint. He drew deep and blue smoke filled his lungs with forbidden pleasure from another land.
Bud was a veteran smoker of fifteen years, but he only managed to hold his lungful of smoky joy before coughing and hacking it out, tears streaming down his face.
"Christ! What the hell did you do to me!?" he asked, eyes red and voice husky.
"Lightweight!" Tokey teased lightly as he took the joint and inhaled a massive hit. How many joints had paved they way for that hit? How many thousands of hours had the Bug spent honing his tolerance to this point? If there was anyone besides the Bug who knew the answers to these questions, it wasn't Bud.
Bud watched as the Bug held his hit with ease and felt ashamed of himself, even though his head pounded and his chest felt like it was burning. After the coughing fit had subsided, Bud took back the joint and managed a small hit before passing it back.
They smoked and laughed together for what seemed like hours, passing the joint, finishing it, and starting a fresh one before the ashes of the last one were cold. They discussed religion, politics, economics, the news, anything that came to mind, their conversation turning this way and that like a random train of thought.
Bud looked down at last and saw three roaches in the ash tray. He couldn't remember when the second had ended and the third begun. This was some truly righteous shit!
"So!" said the Bug, "How'd you like the Maui?"
Bud flashed a sheepish grin. "I have to admit, it was a little more surprise than I was ready for!"
"Don't worry Bud, I didn't become the Toke Bug after only one hit." said the Bug sagely.
"So can I buy some of this off you?" asked Bud, sensing that the end of their visit was drawing to a close.
"For you Bud, I think I can part with an ounce." said the Bug with the air of a magnanimous king. He reached into another pocket in his overcoat and pilled out a brick of the Wowie wrapped in saran wrap. From another pocket he produced a scale and another baggie. Bud wondered just how many pockets there were in the Bug's old coat and what wonders they contained.
The Bug measured out an ounce and bagged it. He handed the bag to Bud and Bud took a hundred dollar bill from the pocket of his jeans to pay.
"Well Bud," said the Toke Bug standing up and packing his equipment back into his coat, "It's time for me to move on. A Bug's work is never done."
"Well okay," said Bud, sad as always to see him leave, "When are you coming around this way again?"
"You know better than to ask. I'll be around the next time I come around. The usual rules apply." Bud nodded. The rules were practically carved in stone: You don't know where you got it, and you never heard of anyone called the Toke Bug.
Bud walked the Bug to the door and watched as his strange guest walked down the sidewalk towards his next destination, like some old hippie Santa Clause going from one house to the next to deliver the next little package of weed to all the good little stoners in the town, or the state, or perhaps even the world.
No one knew who he was or where he had come from, but he was always welcome.
He was the Toke Bug, and his business was happiness.
User Reviews
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-07-17 01:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all i can think of is the typewriter from naked lunch
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's a guy who rents a storage area where I have mine. He has a collection of old Honda motorcycles, which he sells to supply his drug habit. His nick is "Powder Monkey".
Submitted by Kurfsec (user info) at 2007-07-16 09:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ounces for $100?! madness
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-07-16 05:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the ACTUAL resident stoner here, I liked this.
Screw you guys. I wanna meet the Tokebug. Is he actually a bug? Like I'm thinking something akin to the creatures out of Antz and a bugs life. A giant ant type creature with a long trenchcoat full of sweet smoking surprises.
Man, why can't the tokebug come to my house? $100 ounces of Maui! That'd be fucking sweet. Not the £130 ($260ish) ounces of shit we get round here.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-15 23:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could contend for that title.
___________
Many people here could, I'm sure. But I *do* have the cool pot-related name.
And Bongzilla isn't around very often.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You mean the toke dork.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-15 17:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm the resident stoner around here and I thought this sucked.
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I could contend for that title.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-16 02:07:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright, here's the thing. You got a plus one because it was about pawt. -1 Because this was overly descriptive.
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What the fuck? Do you read phone-books?
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-15 21:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright, here's the thing. You got a plus one because it was about pawt. -1 Because this was overly descriptive.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-15 20:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-12 03:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just darling when you try to be cool.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-07-15 18:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-07-15 17:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This sucked worse than seeds and stems.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-15 17:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm the resident stoner around here and I thought this sucked.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-15 17:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-07-15 20:51:02 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
you're both partly right. I wrote this story back in high school when I was still farly new to smoking. I recently re-discovered it and polished it up, but the core of the original draft is still there. I just thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone thought it was any good.
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It's well enough written I guess, it's just bland and a bit boring. It's like a description of being stoned with all the true comedy elements taken out. Maybe watch the Big Lebowski and put a bit of life into the piece?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you're both partly right. I wrote this story back in high school when I was still farly new to smoking. I recently re-discovered it and polished it up, but the core of the original draft is still there. I just thought I'd throw it out there and see if anyone thought it was any good.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You've never smoked a day in your life.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-15 15:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was the most generic stoner story I've ever read.