Are you really that stupid? (440 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.83 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AlahAckbar (View user info) at 2007-07-16 16:33:44 EDT
Growing up in the country is a great thing. Unless you live where I do, where the majority of the houses are not occupied by local people. To give you an idea, in my little "neighborhood" of 15 houses, 4 are used by local people. The rest are rented out over the summer.
Going to the golf course is an easy trip. It's about a 3-mile trip. However, driving down these country roads, one often sees many forms of wildlife in the road. Deer, Rabbit, Snakes, Frogs, toads, and turtles. Now I leave most forms of wildlife alone. My days of fucking with things are long past. However, there is one little beastie that I will kill on sight, however.
The snapping turtle.
For those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting one of these mean, dangerous bastards, let me explain. They are mean. They are dangerous. They are bastards. They even LOOK mean. A ridge running along the back of the shell can pop a tire. They literally can bite a finger off. If by unfortunate circumstances you get bitten and it doesn't cleanly take the digit off, it will latch on. Even if you chop the bastard's head off, it will still be there, firmly in place, clamped onto your flesh. I kill every single one of them I come across.
In fact, it is for this reason and this reason I carry a few things in my trunk, along with the first aid kit. I will ALWAYS have a metal rod, and a large knife. Piss the turtle off until it bites the metal rod, and hack it's head off.
So I was traveling on the road, when I see one of the bastards crawling across the street. This is where a dumb ass blonde comes in.
She had stopped her car, and was heading towards the turtle. I stopped on the opposite side of the road, and jumped out of my car. Heading towards the turtle, I watched as Dumbass Blonde started to reach for the bastard.
"Hold up, you don't want to screw with that bastard. He'll take your finger off and not think twice about it."
I went to my trunk and grabbed the necessary implements.
"You're a renter, right? You HAVE TO be careful around here. We don't have many dangerous animals, but you shouldn't be screwing with things you are not familiar with"
Dumb ass Blonde Spoke: "I just couldn't sit by and see a helpless turtle trying to cross the road! I mean, what if it got hit by a car!"
"The car would get a flat tire, and the turtle would be just fine." I said, starting to head towards the turtle. It was at this time that the dumb ass blonde saw my implements of turtle destruction, and she wigged out.
"What are you going to do?!?"
"I'm going to have it bite down on this bar, and then I am going to chop its head off."
"You can't! It didn't do anything to you!"
"Nope, it sure didn't. But they are overpopulated, and they cause all sorts of problems."
"I won't let you!"
She stepped into my way.
"Lady, it's going to bite you in the ankle if you don't move."
She spun around to look at it, and I stepped around her. I placed the metal rod in front of the little bastards face, and he went for it.
"NO!"
And then she did it.
She reached for the snapping turtle. The turtle, seeing that it was about to be picked up, did what it does. It snapped.
I couldn't help but start laughing. How could I not? I just saw a very hot, very sexy, very dumb girl get the top of her left index finger bitten off by a snapping turtle.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed
"BWAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!" I laughed.
"Mwahahahhahhahahahahahhahaha!" The turtle quipped.
It sat there, doing what I only assumed could be chewing up her finger, as she literally ran around like a chicken with its head cut off.
A dumb ass, with her finger bitten off, if you will.
I made quick work of the turtle, and kicked the shell into the weeds. Heading back to my car, I told her "You're going to want to go to the hospital for that. They won't be able to reattach the finger, being that it is now in the turtle's stomach. But they will want to suture you up and what not."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed in reply.
I grabbed my first aid kit, and walked over to where she was now walking in circles, sobbing.
"Come here, your going to be fine. Lemme take a look at it." I said.
"Sob Sob Sob, whine whine whine." She said.
I sat her on the ground, and had her hold out her hand.
"Jesus, he got it right down to the bone, didn't he?" I put on my latex gloves, and started applying first aid. Wrapping her finger with several sterile pads, and sealing it tightly with sterile tape.
"There you go. Just go to the hospital and they will take care of you."
"Did...(sob)...did (sob) didja call an ambulance?"
"Nope. There are only 5 ambulances for the county, and they have more life threatening things to deal with. Just go up here to this stop sign and take a left, then just keep going and follow the signs for the hospital."
"I (sob) I can't drive like this!"
For all accounts and purposes, yes she could. The bleeding wasn't bad. The pain was pretty bad, but the area would go numb rather quickly. I should know, I've had the tips of my fingers taken off numerous times. Then again, I never had a centimeter taken off, and never by a snapping turtle.
"Alright, is there someone who can drive you? Someone I can call for you?"
"No....(sniffle).....My parents went shopping...I just needed a pack of ciggs...so I was going to the gas station.. Do you have one? (Sniffle, Sniffle)"
I handed her a smoke, and pulled one out for myself.
"Alright." I reached into her very nice SUV, and flicked on the emergency blinkers.
"Come on" I said, helping her up. "Let's get you to the hospital."
"O(sniff)K"
I started to take her to my car.
"I want to take my car."
"Nah, we'll just leave that there, and you can call your folks when we get there to come get you and pick your car up. That way when I drop you off at the hospital I can get home."
"But I don't want to leave my car. What happens if someone breaks into it?"
"There isn't a real big market for stolen cars around here. I wouldn't worry too much."
"We're not going unless you take MY car!" She wailed, while literally STOMPING HER FOOT ON THE GROUND. Jesus.
"Alrighty then. Have a good one." I got into my car.
She stood, tears rolling down her pretty little cheeks, a little pout on her lips, her finger held up in the air. Damn she was hot.
"God damn it. You get your way every time with that little pout, don't you? I bet you drive the boys wild."
I got out of the car and flicked on the emergency lights.
Jumping into the driver seat of her SUV, I turned the engine over, and started heading south.
"Where are we going?"
"To the hospital......"
"The city is only an hour away, why can't we go there!?!"
"Because Noyes is only 15 minutes away, and I have things I want to do today."
"FINE!" she said, pouting again.
I ignored it, fully aware that this bitch was quickly ruining my day.
After about 5 minutes of driving, she picked up the cell phone, and the tears started again.
"Daddy? Oh Daddy! I got bit by a turtle and some guy stopped and he's taking me to the hospital and I don't know who he is and I'm scared!"
Jesus Christ, did she just say she was scared of me? The guy who tried to stop her from getting hurt, then applied first aid when her dumbass did get hurt, and is now driving her to the hospital?
"Which hospital are we going to?" she sobbed.
"Noyes in Dansville.
She told him. Shortly thereafter, she handed the phone to me.
"Yeah?"
"Take her to Strong."
"Sir, Strong is an hour away. Where are you right now?"
"Wegmans, why?"
"Ok, your going to want to take a right out of the Wegmans parking lot, then at 390 your going to want to head south. Get off at exit 5, and follow the signs for the hospital."
"I said to take her to Strong god dammit! I don't want her in some god damn hick hospital!"
"East on 20a to 390 South, exit 5, follow the signs for the hospital." Click.
I dialed my buddy's number.
"Uh....Hello?" He said.
"Come get me at Noyes."
"Dude, it's 7:30 in the morning."
"Come. Get. Me. At. Noyes."
"Uh...Ok." Click.
I tossed the phone back to her.
Another 5 minutes goes by.
"I'm getting dizzy....."
I glanced at her bandage. There was a little bit seeping through, but not enough to warrant worry.
"You'll be fine. Just keep it elevated and stop thinking about it."
"Ohhhh....I'm so dizzy!"
"I highly doubt it is due to a lack of blood, you've probably lost about a pint. They take about that when you give blood, so I wouldn't worry about it."
"But I'm dizzy!" Pouty lips. Foot stamp on the floor. Tears and whining.
I lit another smoke.
"Don't smoke in my car! I don't want your nasty smoke smell in my car!" She yelled, tearing up again.
"Jesus Christ!" I muttered, throwing a perfectly good cig out the window.
"Don't you smoke?"
"Yes, but not in my car!"
"Sorry about that."
"You should be, you asshole. I heard what my dad said, he wanted you to take me to Strong and you didn't!"
I sat, stone silent, afraid of what I might say.
"Can't you go any faster, this really fucking hurts."
"No shit it hurts, sweetheart. You got your fucking finger bitten off by a snapping turtle."
"Just go faster god dammit!"
"I'll fucking spin this thing around and take you back to the side of the road you ungrateful....."
"FUCK YOU!" and she fucking hit me. She fucking reached across the vehicle, and hit me in the chest.
I floored it.
"So that's what gets through your thick skull, huh? Violence?"
"Got your seatbelt on?"
"Yes, wh...."
I slammed on the brakes. She launched forward, and was caught rather abruptly by the seatbelt. I slammed on the gas.
"Sit the fuck back and shut the fuck up. I'm not happy to be here either, sweetheart."
"Stop calling me that! I would never date your dumbass in a million years!'
"Too bad. Your gene pool needs some intelligence in it."
We arrived at the hospital. I dropped her at the door, went and parked her car in the empty parking lot, and walked inside. She was sobbing to the nurse on duty about how much of a horrible experience this has been, and how much of an asshole I was, and how much she hated living in the country.
After about 10 minutes, someone spun into the emergency drive, and headed for the door.
I watched through the windows as her parents ran up to her, and she turned on the waterworks again. Turning back to the parking lot, I waited for my buddy.
"You son of a bitch!" Her father said, as he came outside.
"Good to meet you too, sir. No, no, don't thank me for taking time out of my day to do the right thing. It was nothing."
"You Mother Fucker. I should have you arrested!"
"For what?"
"How about Kidnapping! How about Car Theft? How about verbally insulting my daughter?"
"How about you do that. And when you call, be sure to tell them my name. It's M-i-c"
"Don't get smart with me!"
"Now, ya see, that's your daughters problem. She never got smart at all, let alone with you. I tried to keep her from getting bit, but she was retarded and did exactly what I told her NOT to do. I took time from MY day, to bring her down here, and I get insulted for it? Fuck off, buddy. You go ahead and call the cops. I'll get picked up, probably by the guy I play paintball with, or my neighbor from 5 houses down, or one of my buddies from high school, or my cousins husband, or maybe even by the guy I play golf with. They will take me downtown where I will be seen by the judge, who is my best friends lawyer. Then I'll sue the shit out of you for pressing bullshit charges. So unless you've got money for me for taking time out of my day, or at least a fucking "hey thanks for taking my bitch of a daughter to the hospital when her own stupidity got her hurt" go fuck a duck."
He turned around and walked back into the building.
An hour and a half later, my buddy had showed up. Lazy bastard.
They had left the hospital 10 minutes before that. The looks I received were great.
Her mom was kind of hot too.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-18 22:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why thank you.
Submitted by shmack92 (user info) at 2007-07-17 10:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed
"BWAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!" I laughed.
"Mwahahahhahhahahahahahhahaha!" The turtle quipped
---------------------------------------------------
I don't care what people say, this was great.
Dumb bitch deserved it too
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I know where all that is.
Rochester
hoo-ray
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-16 23:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You lose hits on a post when it's off the front page.
Also, telling all of us to keep giving you heat like the 'lemmings' we are isn't working either...with the last post or this one.
So you're getting shit ratings, your stuff's not getting hits, you're not getting heat and it's really all you have left in life. Guess there's always suicide. But you'd probably fuck that up too.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
not read this but pretty sure its a -2
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You just suck.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...or how you pwn noobs.
...or using a 'p' instead of an 'o'
...crap.
THAT made me laugh, littlemonster.
Anyways, seeing as how my workday is almost at and end, I hope you all have enjoyed me being an a-hole for a day.
Let's see how it effects my rating when I write something serious in two days time. hmmm.... think it will?
Let's see, shall we?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*blinks*
You cannot seriously be talking about me?!?!?!
I'm not drunk.....I'm only on my third bottle!
*hick*
Kidding
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hot, smart and drunk below.
(Where is Lungfish?)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nooooooooooooo, you can npot like the post, that's fine.
It's just an aggresice dislike I am seeing that is new.
I'm sure you were being sarcastic, but I just......fuck it. Never mind.
*reaches for more wine*
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - What the fuck? I've never know you so...so....mean.
Sort it out.
Draw a monster before I kick your arse in to The American Adventure.
---
Really?
You think I am being mean?
:(
Fine. I love this post. It's filled with goodness. Yay Ackbar! WOOOO!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOO HOO! Don't -2 me! WAA!
Regardless of if it's on the front page or not. my posts are still getting hits.
---
What are you, 12?
Ratings are just as insignificant as hits - to crave or care about either is lame.
Of course so is bragging about how much money you make.
...or your job.
...or how you pwn noobs.
...or using a 'p' instead of an 'o'
...crap.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo hoo! I'm a mouth breathing mongoloid!
Still nailed your mom.
In the pooper.
Har har, peener.
+2 to me!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 22:35:08 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bobbys really been on the rag lately, whats up Bobby? Come on you can tell us, we wont laugh...well, Caul will...and Shlongy...and the rest of us will as well but only under our breaths.
---
I guess since I have pretty much stopped mindlessly bickering with everybody's favorite ESL ninny, I have more time to wander around this dump which, in turn, exposes me to mouth breathin' gloids like this fella.
And I have cramps.
---------------
GLOIDS IS THE BESTEST WORD EVER!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - What the fuck? I've never know you so...so....mean.
Sort it out.
Draw a monster before I kick your arse in to The American Adventure.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bobbys really been on the rag lately, whats up Bobby? Come on you can tell us, we wont laugh...well, Caul will...and Shlongy...and the rest of us will as well but only under our breaths.
---
I guess since I have pretty much stopped mindlessly bickering with everybody's favorite ESL ninny, I have more time to wander around this dump which, in turn, exposes me to mouth breathin' gloids like this fella.
And I have cramps.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's fair play, but it's also not that great for the shock. To be honest if she's dancing around and screaming like you discribe (it was the circles that got me) it can still be a worry.
Smoking can slow the rate of the healing process, which leaves someone much more open to infection.
As you say though, in a large wound it will make it harder to stop the bleeding.
I quite like this style of writing, but please post new things. It stops me from quizing you on past events.
LM
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Giving someone a cigg while they are injured is a dangerous thing to do if they are seriously bleeding. A small wound that is seeping through a bandage isn't that much of a concern. She wasn't bleeding out her ass for christs' sake.
Besides, this was written three years ago. Long before i was in healthcare
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOO HOO! Don't -2 me! WAA!
Regardless of if it's on the front page or not. my posts are still getting hits.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry love, but for someone who works in a hospital, you should know the last thing you should give someone with an open wound of any kind is a fag.
If you don't know this, you should not be giving first aid.
FG - tell me if I'm wrong?
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
DancingAlter below.
-------------------------
Alter? Nope...
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
DancingAlter below.
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If noone else did, I thought this wasn't a half bad post, even if you did post it 3 years ago...
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Decent post, poor attitude. -2.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bobbys really been on the rag lately, whats up Bobby? Come on you can tell us, we wont laugh...well, Caul will...and Shlongy...and the rest of us will as well but only under our breaths.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 17:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, see - if 'we' all think yer a worthless idiot (which you seem to be going out of your way to prove) there is a new fancy feature that will drop shit from the front page if it stays below a certain rating and gets enough reviews.
So until you can play nice, -2 and no reading.
The fact this is just your own recycled bullshit is even more pathetic, for the record.
Have a nice day.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Compared to most of the boring shit talk posts on here today, this wasn't that bad.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gasp! Oh no! You've found me out!
That's right. I posted something I alredy wrote! Perhaps because I felt like posting something. But hey, thanks for putting up a link that people will surly click on.
And I'll post as much as I like, thank you very much.
Also, what's the point of scoring if you don't read it? I know your puny brains get confused after only a few sentences, so instead of rating it, why not just (and here's an idea)...
NOT rate what you haven't read?
Or are you rating me strictly on my name now? That's always fun. It will only be a few more days of this before you monkeys are going back and rating everything I've ever written!
Let's see if anyone likes it at all.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read a bit of this and thought "Hey, Ive read this before" and you know what, I was right! Cos YOU posted it 3 years ago http://www.ubersite.com/m/40355
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
filth
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1 crappy, pointless post a day.
I also didn't read it.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-16 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.