Pornography and Jamaicans: Tale from my Adolescence (1001 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Drunk Debauchery
Rating: 1.68 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sunny "ERTW" G (View user info) at 2007-07-17 09:42:22 EDT
I was fortunate in my life to make some pretty cool friends. In the hormone filled and sexually awkward stage we call 'Middle School', I made a friend for life named 'Levar'.
Let me explain some stuff about Levar. His parents are Jamaican immigrants, and they raised him very strictly. They are your stereotypical Jamaican couple; they administer tough love, they go to church every Sunday, and they have very thick accents. Needless to say, because of all this, his parents had some interesting views on things.
For example:
-One Halloween I went to Levar's house with the intention of pillaging the neighbourhood for candy (we were in grade 7, what do you expect?). However I was greeted by his mother at the door with, "DIS IS DE DEVILS HOLIDAY SONNY! LEVAR WON'T BE COMING OUT!" *SLAMS DOOR*.
-They have a poster of Johnnie Cochran in the house. They readily defend the idea O.J. was set up because everyone hates black people.
-Levar's mom didn't let him out if she had a strange dream/vision about him being hurt.
Yeah, hardcore Jamaican Christians. I lovingly referred to his mom and dad as Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. I don't think they got the reference, but if you can imagine both of those beloved household product icons, that should be a fairly accurate portrayal of what his parents look like.
Being adolescent minorities, Levar and I got into all sorts of trouble.
One day Levar's mom calls me.
Levar's Mom: "Hello, Sonny? Yes, dis is Levar's mom."
Me: *holy shit I'm fucked, she found out about something!* "Oh hi! How are you?"
LM: "I want you to come over and we need to talk, yes?"
Me: *FUCK, WE'RE FUCKING FUCKED! FUCK!* "Yeah sure...can I talk to Levar?"
LM: "When you get 'eere"
Me: *JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE HELL DID SHE FIND OUT ABOUT?!* "Ok, see you soon!"
I hung up the phone and visions of bad and stupid shit we had done came flashing through my mind. What had she found out? Should I just deny everything? Is she going to kick my ass? No. If she wanted to kick my ass, she'd just come over here and do it, shes Jamaican, those people do what they want. For fuck sakes, how can someone whose entire culture revolves around rum and weed be so fucking uptight?
I prepared myself for every scenario, and began walking. I approached the door, and I was nervous. I don't mean 'Final Exam' nervous, I mean 'I'm at the airport and my name has been flagged' nervous.
I walked in and was greeted by Levar's mom. I looked over at Levar, he wasn't even looking at me. God. 'This is going to be bad' I thought to myself.
I took a seat across from his mom, with Levar on my left. She began talking to me about Christian morals, Jesus, and about school. I wasn't really listening, all I could hear was my heart pounding.
There was a definite feeling in the room that day. I wouldn't describe it as 'impending doom', I'd describe it as 'heartbreaking shame'.
"Wait here Sonny", she said. She walked away, and came back with a stack of magazines and videos. She slammed them down on the table.
Porn.
Loads of it.
I'm talking MMF, lesbian, bondage, EVERYTHING. I didn't know what to think. Here I am in this self proclaimed 'Chris-tee-ahn house-hooold', and I'm looking at a magazine that has a girl sticking 3 fingers into her ass.
"What is dis?", she demanded.
I looked at Levar, who was still staring at a spot on the ground.
"Well.....I think it's porn"
"I KNOW WHAT IT EEZ! IT EEZ DISGOSTING! WE ARE CHRIS-TEE-AHNS! HOW DID HE GET IT?"
"I don't know, I suppo-"
"He said they are yours"
At this point I was biting my lip to refrain from laughter. Levar you magnificent bastard, frame me for your porn will ya? Not so fast.
"I've never seen that before!"
I could positively feel Levar's sense of self esteem evaporate in that room. His mom dismissed me, and I was on my way home laughing my balls off. Who the hell hides so many porn mags in their room, and doesn't expect to get caught, and then BLAMES THEIR BEST FRIEND?? Oh Levar, you will never learn. 20 minutes later I called him:
"HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING IDIOT HAHAHAHAHAHA"
"Shut up man, it's not funny"
"HAHAHHAAH, YES, YES IT IS. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'S YOU!"
"Man, why didn't you just say it was yours?"
We're still great friends to this day. I never let him live that incident down, and I could never look at his mom again without bursting into a fit of giggles.
User Reviews
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-23 16:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a lot of porn >_________<
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Oh believe me, it was more than enough for one guy.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a lot of porn >_________<
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamaican saying "bacon" then you are a king amongst men.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think I peed a little.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
short cunt.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy does have fun.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy you really are enjoyable..no really, I'm not being sarcastic here. Rip into me if you will, but you remind me of a funny uncle.
Oh yeah, um, -2die and all that...just to keep up appearances
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Isn't it time for you to go do some curls with pipe cleaners, Atlas?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How did I miss this piece of shit?
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Maybe you should put some cushions under your seat to see the monitor better, assclown.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How did I miss this piece of shit?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great, but...
...there's no way in fucking hell any of my childhood friends' parents would've believed a flat-out "I've never seen any of those before in my life!"-type denial.
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Oh they believed it...they saw me as a good influence on him, for whatever reason.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-18 06:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I for I say this be a good post.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-17 17:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-07-17 16:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-17 16:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-17 15:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOORAY PORN!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can say "beer can" without sounding like a Jamaican saying "bacon" then you are a king amongst men.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aunt jemima...
Submitted by URNVUS (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAMBACLAT! DAT WAS AMAZING MON!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
[insert 'Jamaican me crazy' line here]
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard, I sharted.
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great, but...
...there's no way in fucking hell any of my childhood friends' parents would've believed a flat-out "I've never seen any of those before in my life!"-type denial. I got grilled for FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT once when my best friend's big sister's birth control (which she had tried to keep secret) went missing.
Yeah. Turns out the strumpet had left it IN HER BOYFRIEND'S CAR. Classy, no?
Those five hours were hell, but neither she nor my buddy's parents EVER questioned anything we did again. EVER.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
they do what they want
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha, great story!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, memories of my Jamaican vacation a month ago...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shouldve played along.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why that is such a great story, but it is.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-17 10:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-17 10:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shes Jamaican, those people do what they want
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HAHAHAHA. Good post man!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title alone
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment